What drives me

While chatting with my best friend, Mark, I debated whether or not I should post personal stuff in this blog tonight, as I feel compelled to do. He wanted to know WHAT KIND of personal stuff. To which I replied, "Loneliness drives me tonight." I ended up dumping a bunch of "I'm so lonely" angst onto his shoulders this evening, which I later regretted because I don't like letting that part of myself show. I try to keep a positive attitude. An "all is well" environment about me.

But that can only last for so long.

It's true, I AM lonely. I am not going to whine about that here. But I will say that I have been out of the dating scene for far too long; I have NO IDEA how to meet someone new. Really, I don't. And I'm SO not going to rely on the Internet for THAT sort of thing. While the Internet can be a convenient way of "meeting" people in the area and stuff, I will never again trust anyone on the Internet with my heart. No, thank you. The last time I did that, I ended up suffering crippling heartache. That pain lingers even still.... but, no. Not anymore. The Internet is just an illusion. I need people. REAL people.

I DID try an online dating site once, though. I got messages from too many weirdos and it just scared me. I deleted my account with that site and I'm never using anything like it again. No, I have left my love life in the hands of God. In the hands of...Fate. The universe, really. I suppose if I am to meet with someone to share my life with, it will happen in due time.

All the same, I know I just can't sit around and WAIT for it. But I honestly don't know how to meet anyone new. I've tried...going to the bookstore. The coffee places. The library. Nothing. Oh, some guys DID chat with me, but it never resulted in anything more than just talking. I don't go to bars or clubs. NO WAY. But...I don't know. I tried Parents Without Partners, but there isn't one in my area.

My deafness is something I think about, too. I don't know any other deaf people locally. YET. And as much as it would be nice to be with someone who is deaf, just as I am, I REALLY prefer someone who can hear. I know, it would make things difficult for us. I mean, I wouldn't be able to dance with them. We couldn't see non-captioned movies together. Stuff like that. But, I really do prefer a guy who can hear. And I think....well, that's a problem, too. So far, I have chatted with guys who can hear, and the conversations went down JUST FINE. But I keep thinking...what if the communication troubles spring up? Yeah. It could happen. That pretty much keeps me from initiating conversation with a guy. (They usually initiate it with ME!)

But it's not just....the "loneliness" loneliness that bothers me tonight. It's...the loneliness of not being around people. As I've told Mark before, in one of my "letting my guard down" moments, "I'm sick of being alone." And, this is true. I really am tired of it. On days my daughter is with her dad, I am COMPLETELY alone. With the dog. LOL I have no one to talk to, unless I get online. Then sometimes there's Mark or Ash or Jon or Angel. (I LOVE chatting with Angel. LOL) Those are the only people I actually talk with, really. "Virtual people." People who aren't there. I used to talk with my neighbor, Darrell, a lot. Now we hardly ever talk. And lots of times, I'll see another neighbor, Jeremy. And, of course, my daughter is here and her friends are here, who I end up refereeing (and sometimes feeding LOL). But, that's about it. I don't see my friends very often. Sometimes I'll see them if I get to church. (Since the car died, that's a BIG IF!!) But...we don't go anywhere. We don't meet for coffee, or anything. And, it's frustrating.

I keep thinking....when I get a job, I'll make friends. (IF I get a job! *sigh*) When I go back to college...if I can even get the student loan! I'll make some friends. Friends to hang out with and stuff. Maybe even a new guy to be with. Wow, THAT would be nice!

Basically, I'm a very private person. But, I don't want to isolate myself from the world. If I do, I'm left to battle my own demons. And, I just don't want to do that. There's just too much out there in the world to see....

Plus...how can I write realistic stories with realistic people...if I'm not living out there in the world? I don't want to be out of touch with the world. I want to be a part of it.

I'm also thinking about what I have accomplished so far in life. And haven't accomplished. I mean, I've got five books published...another one getting published...still another getting fixed for another publisher. But, I just haven't achieved the kind of success I want to have as an author. Maybe I need to get an agent. Maybe I need to sign contracts with the bigger houses. Maybe I need to take some writing courses. Or maybe this "author" deal just isn't what I'm cut out for in this world, after all.