The signing stranger

Because I am deaf, I usually don’t participate in social activities. Of course, I also decline these invitations because I have social anxiety. By nature, I’m a loner. I don’t like being in crowds. Being surrounded by people I don’t know. I prefer to be alone. So I don’t really socialize with people. Or communicate with people. When I am out and about, I say hello to familiar faces. I nod in recognition of others who reach out to me. But I am not attempting to be social with people. I don’t seek new friendships or to commiserate with people.

My son, however, is another story. He does like to talk to people. And while I tolerate communicating with people HE knows through his school, anybody else is pretty much off of my radar.

See, I have had years of experience of people tuning me out because of my deafness. With many, many people, they stop talking to me, or trying to communicate with me, once they learn I am deaf. They pretty much start talking to someone who is with me who can hear. And I am forgotten about.

For this reason, I don’t even TRY to talk to people anymore. I have shut people out. I am not a part of the hearing world and I probably never will be.

And after almost 12 years of living in Oregon, I have had enough exposure to people to know there are not many deaf or hard-of-hearing people in my area. And I know very few who can sign.

And it’s always a surprise when I meet someone who can sign. It’s very rare, but it happens.

It happened not too long ago when I met a Facebook friend IRL (she lives in the neighborhood). And it happened again today.

After Jesse’s gymnastics class was over, I took him to the nearby Dari Mart. I usually do this after his gymnastics class. It’s his weekly treat. Well, while we were there, I noticed Jesse getting into a conversation with someone. I figured this was a person who volunteers at his school, because we often run into such people there, so I didn’t really pay much mind to it. I did, however, keep Jesse close, and kept a watchful eye on him. Not so much on the person he was talking to.

But the person he was talking to was trying to get my attention. Finally, I looked at him, ready with the whole “I’m deaf” announcement and the typical response from him of ignoring me. But when I looked at him and nodded my hello, I was surprised to notice something: He was SIGNING!

What? Had my ignoring him tipped him off that I am deaf? Did it tell him that I had no clue what anybody was saying and therefore didn’t bother to try to keep up?

Whatever it was, he somehow knew I was deaf. I was really surprised that he knew how to sign. All of a sudden, I was interested in communicating with this person. In TALKING with this person. This person knew my language!

This person introduced himself as Erik and he said he knew how to sign because he has a daughter who is deaf. (Where IS this daughter?? How come I haven’t seen her??) Then he talked about his father, grandfather, his son and grandson. I was really intrigued. It was no nice to be able to communicate with someone who I could understand. He was a very nice person, very communicative and knowledgeable in ASL, and very friendly. And as he was leaving, he signed “I love you” to us and then he turned and was gone.

This whole experience made me smile. And it made me think: Maybe I shouldn’t shut out people so much. I always expect the worst. I always expect a person to not care, not want to communicate or anything. But this experience right here was a pleasant eye-opener. It made me realize that maybe I should give people a chance. Who knows? There might be someone out there who can sign – and who actually wants to communicate with me in a way that I can understand.

Front and center

Earlier this year, I lost a writing gig that was supposed to be a “long-term” thing. But that didn’t end up being long-term after all. I was going to give myself some time to find new clients for that line of work and, meanwhile, looking for something more dependable to bring in extra income. At first, I didn’t really put much effort into that. I tried to find a job here and there, but I didn’t really put too much energy into it. I guess I was still holding out hope that I’d find a new ghostwriting client.

Now fast forward to the present. It has been over 6 months since A: I tried to find a new ghostwriting client. And B: I tried to find a more dependable line of work while searching for that client.

And neither of those things have happened!

So, recently, I made a decision. It was time to say goodbye to ghostwriting. And it was also time to put more focus on finding a new job. That’s the thing that has kept me so preoccupied all week. It was time to put this quest to find a new job front and center. It had to be my COMPLETE and ONLY goal for the time being. I had to REALLY focus on it. After I get a new job, then I can go back to focusing on everything else. But right now, I live, breathe, and eat this one goal: Find. New. Job. 

But then, earlier this week, something came up that sorta threw me off that task. And I got upset and all emotional but then I dealt with it on my own. So after that was over and done with, THEN I got back on track in finding a new job.

At first, I tried looking for work outside of the home, but, recently, I decided that I should not limit myself to that. That decision was reinforced for me in the very early hours of the morning when I woke up at 2 a.m. and, unable to go back to sleep because I was so stressed out about my situation, I decided to just pray. Last night, I had been VERY depressed about this situation. I was upset, disappointed with myself, and feeling pretty worthless. And, now, with it disrupting my sleep, I decided to just give this all to God. Just pray and let God handle it.

After that, I got out of bed (since I couldn’t sleep anyway) and got online to poke around on the Internet. That poking around got me noticing that I was checking out a bunch of writing jobs.

I stopped myself when I realized this. Wait a minute, I thought, what am I doing? Was I really looking for a work-from-home job after I had said goodbye to working from home?

But then I figured, yes, I suppose I was. I suppose this is something I should no longer avoid.

A lot of the jobs outside of the home had all these requirements I could not meet:

Phone or radio communication (no good since I’m deaf)
Prior experience in the field
A degree or certification 
Heavy lifting (no good since my arm injury is not yet healed)
Sign language proficiency (believe it or not, I’m not proficient in ASL because I only have one good hand. I’m a one-handed signer! But one job needed me to sign with two hands. My limitation with sign also limited how much of it I applied myself to learning. As with everything in life, I had to adapt!)

But I have actually had more luck in finding work when I work from home. There’s no communication problems because it’s all through email or private messages or a messaging system through a website. (And even if I had to make phone calls, I use relay.) Plus, I understand that I’m not exactly an attractive person for everybody to see. I have 3rd degree burn scars on my face. I’m not so naïve as to think the world is full of people who accept everyone despite how they look on the outside, because I know for a fact that there are shallow people who only want eye candy instead of an intelligent or loving or compassionate person. I know how it is in the world. I’m no beauty queen. (Which is pretty much why I never want to be on TV and tend to avoid video chats.) But working from home, I can keep my face hidden. Nobody has to see me. Yes, some websites want a photo. Ugh! It’s an annoying thing to deal with. I try to be careful with those. But working from home means I don’t have to deal with anyone who would recoil in horror when seeing my face. And, also, I can make my own hours!

And anyway, there was actually a couple of writing jobs on that website I was qualified for. With one job, I had the experience they wanted applicants to have, and with the other, I had a nice list of clips to share when applying for a position. Alas, they were not looking for writers in Eugene. Darn it!

But I went back to bed thinking about that. And I recalled how a friend of mine shared with me a work-from-home job opportunity this summer. I turned it down because I didn’t want to keep working from home, but now I was actually interested in applying for it. And also, there are ways I could work this job away from the desk and away from home. I could work it on a local level. So I contacted her about it this morning and we’re going to chat more about it this weekend.

But even if it does not work out, at least now I know that it’s okay to look for work-from-home jobs again. And I’d like to think that maybe God guided me to the answer to my prayer.

Counting on your fingers

In the adult world, counting on your fingers is supposed to be a sign of less-than-optimal intelligence. But in the deaf and hard-of-hearing world, those who sign use their fingers to show numbers all the time. Just as there are signs for the letters of the alphabet, there are also signs for numbers.

When Jennifer was little, I taught her the alphabet by voice and sign. I would sign and say the letters at the same time. This was repeated when I taught her numbers. We are doing this with Jesse, as well. Just as we sign letters to him, so he knows what the signs are, we also sign how to count on his fingers with each number.

When children use their fingers to count, it usually goes that they would hold up each finger and count to 10 with both hands. But for signing, we only use one hand for all the numbers.

To get an idea of how to sign the numbers with one hand, check out this video:



Anyway, I have been working with him on that. It took some time for him to grasp signing "3" the way it's done in ASL. Holding up the three big fingers for "3" is the same as the letter "W" so, for a signer, we use the middle, index fingers and the thumb for the number "3." (When hubby and I watched the movie Inglorious Basterds, I had to marvel over how a character discovered a spy based on how the bad guy indicated the number "3." He did so using the way the number is signed in ASL. I could only think that a deaf person during that part of history must have been too scared to sign "3" for fear of being accused of being a spy!) But he has finally been able to sign "3" like we do, though occasionally he reverts back to "W" instead. And, for a time, he also forgot the number "4," both verbally and physically (yes, he counted 1-2-3-5 for a while there).

Yesterday, while we were waiting to be called at his doctor appointment, I tried to keep him preoccupied by counting things. He would point at pictures of flowers and count them in each photo. He counted all 10 flowers in one picture. And he counted on his fingers correctly. I praised him and gave him a little cheer for counting to 10 both verbally and physically (the way a signer counts to 10) and he was quite proud of himself. He counted all 10 flowers again before dashing off to study something else in that waiting area.

I am glad he can count to 10 the way a signer does. Now we need to work on getting him to count higher -- both verbally and on just one hand.

More, please

When it comes to teaching a baby ASL (American Sign Language), I always think the better way to do it is to follow the advice, "Less is more." In other words, don't push up. Don't be on their case about learning the sign for something. Go easy with it.

That is the approach I took with Jennifer. And that probably explains why it took her a while to learn even basic signs (let alone come up with her own home signs, which she doesn't even use anymore now that her hands are more nimble). Her dad was not involved in trying to teach her any signs.

However, he has made it a point to be involved in teaching Jesse signs. We have been working with him in teaching him signs here and there, like "mother," "father," "all done" and "sleep." He pretty much picks up on the audible cues instead of the physical ones. If I sign "sleep," for example, he does not get that. But if I say "Baby want to go sleepy?" he will run for the bedroom. (Sometimes, I can't tell if he is tired enough for a nap or just to sleep, so if I say that and he runs to the bedroom, that's a big clue he's tired!)

Today, my husband was on a mission to teach Jesse how to sign "more." It was during lunchtime and he kept holding our son's sippy cup and signing "more?" to him. He kept doing this for some time and I started to wonder if he was overdoing it. If it was just taking too long and Jesse didn't understand him.

But, eventually, he did sign "more." Yay!

Here is "more" in ASL:

http://www.aslpro.com/cgi-bin/aslpro/aslpro.cgi
(You might have to click on "M" then "More")


At first, he would not sign it if he knew he was being watched. But, eventually, he got around to signing it on his own. (Well, I'm not surprised; his father was holding his sippy cup hostage!) Then, when his dad was walking away with the empty sippy cup, he looked up at him and signed "more" to indicate he wanted more milk. I was so happy about that.

Later, at dinnertime, Jennifer decided to become The Pickiest Eater in the World and count off how she didn't like the cheese in her manicotti, she didn't like her breadsticks and she didn't like her spinach.

I said, "PLEASE try to eat your spinach. Don't you want to grow up to be big and strong like Popeye?"

She gave me a VERY serious look and said, "That cartoon is not real."

Oh, no! Now I can't use Popeye as an example of why you should eat your spinach anymore! I debated going on about how it was all symbolic, about how the immediate strength Popeye got from his spinach only represented how spinach will help you to "be strong" in some other way, but I knew all that would be lost on her.

Well, at least she ate her salad. She kept going on about how she LOVES salad. (Heh, that's my California girl!)

But Jesse had a problem with dinner, too. In fact, a BIG problem. He ended up throwing almost all of it on the floor. (He did eat some of the bread.) When he was finished, I looked down at the mess and sighed, "Oh, Son."

He innocently beamed at everybody and signed "more."

I laughed and said, "I think it's the wrong time to ask for more!"

And speaking of babies who sign, I found this really cute video. SOOOO CUTE!!!!

Living in a DEAF home

As deaf parents of hearing children, life at home involves the blending of two worlds. Our world is the deaf world, while our children’s is the hearing world. But in some way, we don’t really see it as the merging of two worlds. In fact, it is just one, where there is both hearing and deaf. At the same time, my deafness does play a prominent role in our lives, mainly because it changes the norm. We’ve found a way to turn this dual-world home into one DEAF world.

D: Deafness.

We often talk about deafness and what it means to be deaf. We answer our child’s questions about deafness and the deaf world and she shares with us her thoughts and feelings about having deaf parents. We ask her about the kids at school and what questions they might have, and we discuss any outside concerns from others.

E: Encouragement.

Just as we encourage discussion about all things deaf, we also encourage our child to indulge in her hearing world. We are all too happy to buy music CD’s, speakers for the computer, musical toys and books. We encourage her to explore her sense of sound, to listen to the crunch of Fall leaves or the clatter of pots and pans. We sing together, dance together and play games together. At the same time, we encourage her to learn sign language and communicate through sign.

A: Action.

There has to be participation in a healthy deaf/hearing family. This is what I believe. Participation in school meetings and activities, participation in sign language classes, participation in extracurricular activities and family outings. Just because I can’t hear anything, it doesn’t mean I have to live isolated from the world. If I must attend a school meeting that isn't one-on-one, I’ll ask for an interpreter first and be all too happy to attend. If my child wants to go see a movie or go to the fair, we get up and go. Having action in the family helps us learn together, work together and be a family together.

F: Fun.

Deafness is not the end of having fun in life. Yes, it is sad that we can’t communicate with each other like other hearing families can, but it’s essential to maintain a positive and happy environment in the home despite this. Being unable to hear should not bring on a cloud of negativity over the family or make everybody all depressed. Deafness is just a part of life. It’s the way it is. We can’t allow it to "rain on our parade" and put the brakes on enjoying life. Life is only lived once. It’s pointless to live in a depressed state and a waste of time groveling over being deaf. Additionally, I have to keep in mind that a positive, happy attitude in life will show my child that a deaf person CAN be a happy person.

Living in a DEAF home may be different for all of us, but ultimately, it has made life more rewarding. Through Deafness, Encouragement, Action and Fun, we’ve found a way to combine both the deaf and hearing worlds to make one. The DEAF world.

Keeping ASL in the Deaf/Hearing home

I was doing research on the Internet for my deaf parenting book. I came across a certain blog post and it really hit home.

Here is the link:http://medeafyes.com/?p=13

The reason why this hit home?

Because, lately, Jennifer has reported she can't remember how to sign certain letters and words. My fault because, for a long time, we have not used sign language as often as we used to.

In fact, we hardly use it with her AT ALL anymore. And she's remembering the signs less and less every day that she doesn't use them.

I realized this while working on the edits for that book. One essay talks about how we ALWAYS use ASL in communicating with her. Our child MAY be hearing but she DOES need to know how to sign, because she has deaf parents. She will need to know how to sign so that she can communicate with us without trouble. And as I read that essay, I realized we don't use it as much anymore. But we should. We really should use sign language as much as possible again. Because, obviously, she will forget how to sign if we don't keep it up.

When I read that blog post, along with some of the comments, I called Jennifer over to me and asked her to sign the alphabet.

She got stuck on the letter "B." Now how sad IS that??

So I signed to her the alphabet and asked her to show me again. This time, she signed it without trouble. But how well will she remember those signs tomorrow or the next day? I know I have to reintegrate ASL into our communication with Jennifer and KEEP AT IT. Just as I learned ASL better when it was used more frequently with others at my school, my child can learn it the same way. I may not be able to sign all the signs so well on account of my hand injury, but I'll figure something out.

At least now I know how important it is to keep ASL a part of our everyday communication. I guess I just went back to relying on lipreading because I took it for granted that she can hear. She'll benefit immensely if she'll know how to sign to communicate with her deaf Mom and Dad. We all will.