The signing stranger

Because I am deaf, I usually don’t participate in social activities. Of course, I also decline these invitations because I have social anxiety. By nature, I’m a loner. I don’t like being in crowds. Being surrounded by people I don’t know. I prefer to be alone. So I don’t really socialize with people. Or communicate with people. When I am out and about, I say hello to familiar faces. I nod in recognition of others who reach out to me. But I am not attempting to be social with people. I don’t seek new friendships or to commiserate with people.

My son, however, is another story. He does like to talk to people. And while I tolerate communicating with people HE knows through his school, anybody else is pretty much off of my radar.

See, I have had years of experience of people tuning me out because of my deafness. With many, many people, they stop talking to me, or trying to communicate with me, once they learn I am deaf. They pretty much start talking to someone who is with me who can hear. And I am forgotten about.

For this reason, I don’t even TRY to talk to people anymore. I have shut people out. I am not a part of the hearing world and I probably never will be.

And after almost 12 years of living in Oregon, I have had enough exposure to people to know there are not many deaf or hard-of-hearing people in my area. And I know very few who can sign.

And it’s always a surprise when I meet someone who can sign. It’s very rare, but it happens.

It happened not too long ago when I met a Facebook friend IRL (she lives in the neighborhood). And it happened again today.

After Jesse’s gymnastics class was over, I took him to the nearby Dari Mart. I usually do this after his gymnastics class. It’s his weekly treat. Well, while we were there, I noticed Jesse getting into a conversation with someone. I figured this was a person who volunteers at his school, because we often run into such people there, so I didn’t really pay much mind to it. I did, however, keep Jesse close, and kept a watchful eye on him. Not so much on the person he was talking to.

But the person he was talking to was trying to get my attention. Finally, I looked at him, ready with the whole “I’m deaf” announcement and the typical response from him of ignoring me. But when I looked at him and nodded my hello, I was surprised to notice something: He was SIGNING!

What? Had my ignoring him tipped him off that I am deaf? Did it tell him that I had no clue what anybody was saying and therefore didn’t bother to try to keep up?

Whatever it was, he somehow knew I was deaf. I was really surprised that he knew how to sign. All of a sudden, I was interested in communicating with this person. In TALKING with this person. This person knew my language!

This person introduced himself as Erik and he said he knew how to sign because he has a daughter who is deaf. (Where IS this daughter?? How come I haven’t seen her??) Then he talked about his father, grandfather, his son and grandson. I was really intrigued. It was no nice to be able to communicate with someone who I could understand. He was a very nice person, very communicative and knowledgeable in ASL, and very friendly. And as he was leaving, he signed “I love you” to us and then he turned and was gone.

This whole experience made me smile. And it made me think: Maybe I shouldn’t shut out people so much. I always expect the worst. I always expect a person to not care, not want to communicate or anything. But this experience right here was a pleasant eye-opener. It made me realize that maybe I should give people a chance. Who knows? There might be someone out there who can sign – and who actually wants to communicate with me in a way that I can understand.

Don't tell ME "no sign language"!

As a deaf parent, sign language is, of course, a part of how I communicate with my children. My husband also uses sign to understand what our kids are saying to us. We use both sign language and lipreading to communicate with them. We sign every day. It’s just a part of how we talk to each other.

And when Jesse asked me to play a game with him today, I agreed, preparing for another round of communicating with him through sign. As he sat up the game, however, I took some time to read over the rules. My jaw dropped when I saw one rule in particular: “No sign language.”

For real????

I showed this to Jesse and commented how wrong that rule was. I guess the people who put that game together and wrote up the rules decided they didn’t want deaf people to play?

Well, despite that stupid rule, my son and I still communicated with each other through sign language as we played the game. It’s really the major way we communicate with each other: Through sign language! I am profoundly deaf and cannot use hearing aids. I either rely on lipreading or sign language or writing things down to communicate with others. Sometimes my kids sign to me what other people say. So, yeah, I DO need to use sign language for a game that relies on verbal communication.

But the thing about this that really pissed me off was that this was JUST another example of how the hearing people forget about the deaf people in this world. Some hearing people out there don’t realize that there are DEAF PEOPLE – which means WE CANNOT HEAR – out there in the world. We kind of need to use sign language for communication. We also need captioning, subtitles or an ASL interpreter signing to let us know about emergency bulletins and evacuation procedures.

There are hearing people in this world and there are deaf people, too. It would be nice if more hearing people would remember us deaf people and the types of communication accommodations that we need. This includes sign language.

So even if a game says we can’t use sign language, well, that’s too bad. Because as far as me and my family goes, well, we sort of need to use sign language. It’s just one of the ways that we talk to each other.

Front and center

Earlier this year, I lost a writing gig that was supposed to be a “long-term” thing. But that didn’t end up being long-term after all. I was going to give myself some time to find new clients for that line of work and, meanwhile, looking for something more dependable to bring in extra income. At first, I didn’t really put much effort into that. I tried to find a job here and there, but I didn’t really put too much energy into it. I guess I was still holding out hope that I’d find a new ghostwriting client.

Now fast forward to the present. It has been over 6 months since A: I tried to find a new ghostwriting client. And B: I tried to find a more dependable line of work while searching for that client.

And neither of those things have happened!

So, recently, I made a decision. It was time to say goodbye to ghostwriting. And it was also time to put more focus on finding a new job. That’s the thing that has kept me so preoccupied all week. It was time to put this quest to find a new job front and center. It had to be my COMPLETE and ONLY goal for the time being. I had to REALLY focus on it. After I get a new job, then I can go back to focusing on everything else. But right now, I live, breathe, and eat this one goal: Find. New. Job. 

But then, earlier this week, something came up that sorta threw me off that task. And I got upset and all emotional but then I dealt with it on my own. So after that was over and done with, THEN I got back on track in finding a new job.

At first, I tried looking for work outside of the home, but, recently, I decided that I should not limit myself to that. That decision was reinforced for me in the very early hours of the morning when I woke up at 2 a.m. and, unable to go back to sleep because I was so stressed out about my situation, I decided to just pray. Last night, I had been VERY depressed about this situation. I was upset, disappointed with myself, and feeling pretty worthless. And, now, with it disrupting my sleep, I decided to just give this all to God. Just pray and let God handle it.

After that, I got out of bed (since I couldn’t sleep anyway) and got online to poke around on the Internet. That poking around got me noticing that I was checking out a bunch of writing jobs.

I stopped myself when I realized this. Wait a minute, I thought, what am I doing? Was I really looking for a work-from-home job after I had said goodbye to working from home?

But then I figured, yes, I suppose I was. I suppose this is something I should no longer avoid.

A lot of the jobs outside of the home had all these requirements I could not meet:

Phone or radio communication (no good since I’m deaf)
Prior experience in the field
A degree or certification 
Heavy lifting (no good since my arm injury is not yet healed)
Sign language proficiency (believe it or not, I’m not proficient in ASL because I only have one good hand. I’m a one-handed signer! But one job needed me to sign with two hands. My limitation with sign also limited how much of it I applied myself to learning. As with everything in life, I had to adapt!)

But I have actually had more luck in finding work when I work from home. There’s no communication problems because it’s all through email or private messages or a messaging system through a website. (And even if I had to make phone calls, I use relay.) Plus, I understand that I’m not exactly an attractive person for everybody to see. I have 3rd degree burn scars on my face. I’m not so naïve as to think the world is full of people who accept everyone despite how they look on the outside, because I know for a fact that there are shallow people who only want eye candy instead of an intelligent or loving or compassionate person. I know how it is in the world. I’m no beauty queen. (Which is pretty much why I never want to be on TV and tend to avoid video chats.) But working from home, I can keep my face hidden. Nobody has to see me. Yes, some websites want a photo. Ugh! It’s an annoying thing to deal with. I try to be careful with those. But working from home means I don’t have to deal with anyone who would recoil in horror when seeing my face. And, also, I can make my own hours!

And anyway, there was actually a couple of writing jobs on that website I was qualified for. With one job, I had the experience they wanted applicants to have, and with the other, I had a nice list of clips to share when applying for a position. Alas, they were not looking for writers in Eugene. Darn it!

But I went back to bed thinking about that. And I recalled how a friend of mine shared with me a work-from-home job opportunity this summer. I turned it down because I didn’t want to keep working from home, but now I was actually interested in applying for it. And also, there are ways I could work this job away from the desk and away from home. I could work it on a local level. So I contacted her about it this morning and we’re going to chat more about it this weekend.

But even if it does not work out, at least now I know that it’s okay to look for work-from-home jobs again. And I’d like to think that maybe God guided me to the answer to my prayer.

Lipreading reminders

One thing I knew would happen when having a second child is that I’d have to go through the motions once again of letting my hearing child know that Mommy and Daddy are deaf, what being deaf means, that we use sign language and that things are just a little bit different in our home mainly because the parents can't hear. For example, we look out windows to see who is at the door instead of shouting at an unseen knocker standing on the other side of a thick wall of wood, and we have captioning on our TV set to let us know what people are saying.

I knew I’d have to go through this all over again with Jesse. What I didn’t count on, however, was constantly having to remind him that I need to see his lips if I want to lipread him.

The big difference between my two hearing children is that one of them signs more than the other. Jennifer is the signer. And even though Jesse learned signs a lot quicker than Jennifer did as a toddler, Jesse is rarely signing to us. He hardly ever signs. At all.

So, for the most part, my husband and I have had to rely on lipreading him to understand him. Sometimes he will write things down to the best of his abilities or I’ll employ one of the many tricks I use to understand a non-signing child better (which I talk about in my deaf parenting book), but mostly, with Jesse, it’s all about lipreading.

The downside about that, though, is that, being 5, Jesse sometimes forgets that in order for us to lipread him, we need to see his lips!

I have sounded like a broken record lately because I have had to keep repeating certain reminders to Jesse when it comes to lipreading:

“Jesse, I can’t read your lips when your face is right in front of mine.”

“Jesse, I can’t read your lips if you cover your mouth.”

“Jesse, I can’t read your lips when you are looking away. You need to look at me when you talk.”

And I also tell him I can’t read his lips when he’s talking too fast or when there is food in his mouth.

I was raised in an oral home, so I don’t mind lipreading. As it is, we use both lipreading and sign language to communicate. But when it’s only lipreading, we have to make sure that the person speaking remembers certain guidelines to follow in order to make lipreading work. For Jesse, we have to repeat these reminders. We had to do the same thing with Jennifer when she was little. Many times, she forgot we can’t lipread her if we can’t see her lips. Eventually, the reminders sunk in. I hope they’ll sink in for Jesse, too. At some point.

A lifeline

For most of the day yesterday, I’d been dealing with chest pain. I didn’t say anything about it, thinking it would go away. It was probably just gas build-up in my chest. So I didn’t worry over it so much.

Later, however, the pain became pretty intense. It got to be so bad, I had to lie down. But as I lied there, flat on the bed (I thought if I lied flat, it would help), the pain only worsened. It grew and grew in intensity. It was pretty bad. I was on hat bed, writhing and in tears, as it felt like something was squeezing my heart and growing bigger by the second.

I tried sitting straight up, up against the pillows against the headboard, but that didn’t help. I tried squatting over the side, lying on my right side, standing up against the wall. Nothing. The pain only got worse.

Then something else happened, something I’d been dreading: I could hardly breathe.

At first, my breathing came out in short gasps of air. I tried to keep that air in my lungs but, soon, I could hardly breathe at all.

“Breathe!” I instructed myself. “Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!”

I struggled for air that was quickly disappearing from my lungs. I started to panic and worry over what to do. I’d tried breathing exercises earlier but that didn’t help. And I was running out of air fast.

At one point, I didn’t even have enough air in my lungs to talk anymore.

I lied across the bed, gasping for air. As I did so, I started to remember a time I had gone through a similar episode. I was alone one evening and, all of a sudden, I wasn’t able to breathe anymore. It’s like my lungs had closed up. I’d struggled for air, even going outside to try to get some fresh air. That is where I passed out on the ground. After I woke up from that, I could breathe okay. But what had happened before then is that I had been up in the stars of the night sky. The stars had been so close that I could almost reach out and touch them. That experience had been very frightening. I shuddered as I remembered it, hoping it would not happen again. What if I didn’t wake up this time?

I started to wish someone in my family was there to help me. Millie, Allison, Elizabeth, Jeanette, Melissa, my mom – even my cousin, Carol. A familiar face. Family. I wished so hard that someone in my family was there to help.

But I was alone in this struggle to breathe. Then I realized, no, I’m not alone. I’m not. I could turn to God. And that’s what I did.

With nothing else to help me breathe again, I started to silently pray for help. I just prayed and prayed for air to return to my lungs.

Soon, the pain in my chest lessened and I could breathe again. Thank God! I sat up, breathing normally now, so thankful for this air in my lungs again. I said a prayer of thanks then got up and left the room. I went to the kitchen and drank some water. I went to check on the kids, who were in the bathroom with hubby, having their bath. I told hubby what happened and he told me to sit down. After I did that, the remaining pain in my chest disappeared.

As I sat there, I started to think of what I should have done to get some help. I know I should have run out to get help from my husband, but I didn’t have the strength. A call to 911 might have been in order – but there is no phone in that room. And, anyway, I’m not exactly 100% sure how a deaf person should call 911. I mean, we were taught in high school to dial 911, wait a few moments, then say we are deaf and what the emergency is. I am not sure if that method would be very effective.

Then I thought, what about my cell phone? What if I could text for help? Would I be able to text for help if I was having another episode of being unable to breathe?? It was still better than nothing.

I thought for a few minutes. I had to think about the very few people I know in Eugene who I text. Finally, I decided on one of the moms of Jennifer’s friends. Jen has had a sleepover at her house before and she and I often send text messages here and there. She’s an awesome lady, about my age, and very friendly. So I got my phone and texted her, asking her if she would be willing to call 911 for me if I ever needed that kind of help. When she replied, she said that she would do it and, actually, she even asked one of her girlfriends the same thing. (Is this some kind of network among friends I am unaware of? Hm.) She also said that if we needed somewhere safe to go, we were welcome at her place.

I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her profusely. Didn’t I say she was awesome?? She rocks! What a huge relief that this is in place, for emergencies.

Now I only hope that that particular kind of emergency doesn’t happen again. This was actually the second time I have had chest pain so bad, but it was not so bad before that I ended up struggling for air. Then again, I had been taken to the ER when I had bad chest pain that lasted for a long time. (They ran all these tests and couldn’t find anything wrong, so they just gave me something for the pain.) This time, even though that latest episode ended, I’ll get it checked out by my doctor. I still have some tightness in my chest this morning, so it might be a good idea to get that checked out.

At least I have someone to reach out to for help if there are any emergencies. Thank goodness for that!

Counting on your fingers

In the adult world, counting on your fingers is supposed to be a sign of less-than-optimal intelligence. But in the deaf and hard-of-hearing world, those who sign use their fingers to show numbers all the time. Just as there are signs for the letters of the alphabet, there are also signs for numbers.

When Jennifer was little, I taught her the alphabet by voice and sign. I would sign and say the letters at the same time. This was repeated when I taught her numbers. We are doing this with Jesse, as well. Just as we sign letters to him, so he knows what the signs are, we also sign how to count on his fingers with each number.

When children use their fingers to count, it usually goes that they would hold up each finger and count to 10 with both hands. But for signing, we only use one hand for all the numbers.

To get an idea of how to sign the numbers with one hand, check out this video:



Anyway, I have been working with him on that. It took some time for him to grasp signing "3" the way it's done in ASL. Holding up the three big fingers for "3" is the same as the letter "W" so, for a signer, we use the middle, index fingers and the thumb for the number "3." (When hubby and I watched the movie Inglorious Basterds, I had to marvel over how a character discovered a spy based on how the bad guy indicated the number "3." He did so using the way the number is signed in ASL. I could only think that a deaf person during that part of history must have been too scared to sign "3" for fear of being accused of being a spy!) But he has finally been able to sign "3" like we do, though occasionally he reverts back to "W" instead. And, for a time, he also forgot the number "4," both verbally and physically (yes, he counted 1-2-3-5 for a while there).

Yesterday, while we were waiting to be called at his doctor appointment, I tried to keep him preoccupied by counting things. He would point at pictures of flowers and count them in each photo. He counted all 10 flowers in one picture. And he counted on his fingers correctly. I praised him and gave him a little cheer for counting to 10 both verbally and physically (the way a signer counts to 10) and he was quite proud of himself. He counted all 10 flowers again before dashing off to study something else in that waiting area.

I am glad he can count to 10 the way a signer does. Now we need to work on getting him to count higher -- both verbally and on just one hand.

"I can't read your lips with that thing in your mouth!"

The plan was to get Jesse off of the pacifier (“binky”) when he turned 3. His third birthday has come and gone…and he is STILL using the binky! But, thankfully, we have managed to get him to understand that binky is for sleep time, not any other time. Of course, he’s so attached to his binky that he STILL tries to use it for every other time of the day. But we have been working with him on that. I just don’t want him to be one of those kids with blistered lips because he’s still sucking on his pacifier when he’s 5 years old.

Certain changes in his life have meant disposing of the binky. For one thing, he has started preschool, so on the days he goes to preschool (two days of the week), I tell him “no binky at school” before we head out the door in the mornings (on weekdays) and he’ll happily spit the pacifier into the sink (I wash them religiously so we have taught him to spit used binkies into the sink).

For another thing, he has gotten pretty talkative now – and I just can’t lipread him when he has the binky in his mouth. I have told him several times, “I can’t read your lips with that thing in your mouth.” Of course, he has continued to try to talk to me with the binky in his mouth. And, for some time, I have been telling him the same thing: “I can’t read your lips with that thing in your mouth!”

He does know some signs, and even as he tries to sign other things, he hasn’t quite mastered it yet. So for things he can’t sign, we rely on lipreading to understand what he is saying.

As often I have tried to get him to understand that I can’t read his lips when he talks to me with the binky, it really never got through to him, because he kept trying to talk to me with that binky in his mouth. I feel that, perhaps, tonight, I have finally made some progress.

After I gave Jesse his bath this evening, I had him on my bed, drying him off. He was trying to talk to me, but he had the binky in his mouth. (I had promised him he could have it back after his bath.) I stopped drying him off, got to his level, and explained in as simple language as I could that I needed to see his mouth when he is talking to me and his dad. I can’t understand him when he talks with the binky in his mouth. Gradually, I coaxed the binky out of his mouth and told him to tell me again what he said. He pointed at his leg then said that he has an owie. (He got a scratch on his leg last week and, ever since, it has been his cross to bear.) I acknowledged his owie and reminded him, as I had before, that it would go away. He got his binky back and I finished toweling him off then dressed him. After we brushed his teeth, he said goodnight to his big sister (who gets to stay up tonight because of no school tomorrow) and I put him to bed.

As I was saying goodnight to him, giving him hugs and kisses and telling him goodnight, he stood still in his crib, looked at me and said something.

“What?” I said. “I can’t read your lips with that thing in your mouth, Jesse.”

I tested his reaction as I gently pulled on the binky. He had no problem letting me remove it from his mouth. "What did you say?" I asked him. He looked at me and said, “I love you.”

I smiled. At least this was something he could sign, even with that thing in his mouth. I told him I love him, too, gave him an extra kiss then gave him back his binky. Then I reminded him that “I love you” is something he could sign. I showed him the sign for “I love you” and he did his best to sign it the normal way, not his way. But it’s close enough, and at least this way I get what he is saying whether or not I can lipread him.

Yakety-yak--ACK!

Normally, I am not a very talkative person. After I lost my hearing, my mom was afraid I'd lose my voice, too, so she was encouraging me to talk A LOT. And quite loud, in fact. And I guess being around so many people to actually talk to, I had no choice but to yak my head off every day. Ever since moving to Eugene, however, that has changed. Sure, I talked with the friends I had (emphasis on "had"), but it's not like we chattered away at all hours. Mostly, I was quiet. And I have grown quieter still, despite writing so much and being a virtual chatterbox on the World Wide Web.

But that's as far as it goes.

These days, I don't have friends to hang out with or family to talk to in person every day, so I really don't feel so compelled to talk so much. I guess I'm trying to salvage the kind of silence I could not have during my teen years. But because I have small children to care for, silence is darn near impossible. There are many times I have to talk with my children ... A LOT!

I suppose I should be grateful my kids want to engage in so much conversation with their parents so much (even the baby, who will be 3 in October). After all, they'll be teenagers before we know it, and they would rather talk with their friends instead of their parents. But all of this yakking can get frustrating, especially when I am trying to drive and I have to keep my eyes on the road and NOT on my daughter's face to read her lips. These are the times I'll announce "Driving!" when she tries to tell me something, and she'll know she'll have to wait until we get to a red light or when I can stop briefly to turn around and read her lips. (She is learning she can't take these small windows of time to sit there and go "uuummmmm....").

It's also frustrating when I just want to STOP talking so much. As it is, my throat hurts if I have to talk so much, even if I drink water while I am speaking. So sometimes, you know, I just have to tell the kids, "Give me 5 minutes of peace!" OR..."Eat your food and stop talking so much!"

This evening is a perfect example. At dinnertime, the kids just yakked and yakked. My husband and I are not big talkers when we sit down to eat, so both of us tend to get a bit rattled by the kids constantly getting our attention to tell us something or ask questions. Or, as often happens, to go over words in sign language. (And, yes, he does speak, just as I do.) At one point, I had to tell Jennifer to wait before telling me something YET AGAIN because I had to run to the baby, who was getting into something.

Then, when putting the baby to bed, we spent time together in his room as he pointed out things and I had to say what had to go to sleep now, because ALL of us had to go to sleep now. So I kept having to say "Caterpillar has to go sleepy...fan has to go sleepy....chair has to go sleepy....night light has to go sleepy....backpack has to go sleepy..." And just on and on.

Then, finally, after a while, my throat was hurting from talking so much, so I just calmly sat there nodding and saying "mm-hmm" every time he said something to me from his crib. (Heh. What if his baby talk translated to "Mom, there are aliens outside my window"?? Mm-hmm.)

Then Jennifer showed up, asking me to read them a story. I was tired, wanted to STOP talking, but how could I turn away a child who wants to be read to? So I read them a story. Afterwards, Jennifer went back to bed. Eventually, the baby fell asleep. And I could once again fall silent without any need to talk again.

At least....until tomorrow comes.

Changes, and fears, are in the wind

As the start of the new school year approaches, we've been preparing for some big changes at home. For one thing, we're working on getting back to the "school year schedule." For another, I have started potty training Jesse, because I'm making arrangements for him to attend preschool in the fall.

As for me? My changes are getting back into an exercise routine and getting out of the house for a job!

Admittedly, I have the same old reservations about saying goodbye to being a stay-at-home mom. What if my kids need me and I can't be there for them? What should I do if the kids are sick and can't go to school? (I don't think hubby will be working the night shift forever.) How am I going to handle being apart from them? (It's hard enough being apart from Jennifer during her whole school day!) As to the last concern, I think if I make the transition slowly, then that would work best. This is part of the reason why I like Kim's schedule so much. It's only for a few hours for 4 days a week. Not 5 or 6 hours! EEK!

But aside from those usual concerns, I have some others, too. What if something happens at the workplace that puts me in jeopardy? What if someone tries to assault or kill me? (I am trying to get into a self-defense class, so I think that would help alleviate that fear.) What if I get hurt? What if I get into a car accident on my way to work, which would NOT have happened if I had NOT been on my way to a job??

I'm sure there are a lot of moms out there who have had to cope with these very same fears. I know I COULD just continue to be a SAHM and happily stay in my comfort zone. After all, hubby keeps telling me he's cool with it either way -- job or no job.

But I am doing this for me, first thing, and for my children, second thing.

I know it would help me a lot to just get out of the house for a while. It would also help improve my social skills, if not my communication skills (thereby opening me to new communication challenges I will face as a deaf person and challenging me to find a way to resolve those hurdles). I wouldn't be so isolated, and it would open me up to new experiences. Most of all, it would be a great opportunity to get new ideas for things to write about (like this transition, for example?).

My children would benefit because they would see me, a woman, going against the traditional expectations set in place for women. I keep telling my daughter that the whole idea of "a woman's place is in the home" is just so oppressive, archaic and out of fashion these days. Well, I think it's time to step up and practice what I preach! No, I don't believe a woman's place is in the home, and I also believe that housework/cooking/childcare should be split between parents on a 50-50 level. Not 25-75 or 10-90. So this is partly why I want to join the workforce. I grew up watching my mother bear children, cook, clean and take care of us kids (sometimes while in a wheelchair) while my dad just worked and didn't do much else (besides enforce discipline). I grew up thinking this is what women do. Now, at 36, I no longer subscribe to that belief. No way! A woman can work just as a man can. And a man can do housework just as a woman can. (Hubby actually cooks and cleans better than I do!) So seeing this message in action will only reinforce my teaching both of my kids that they should not expect one gender to be better than the other and that some traditional roles and ideas no longer hold as much weight in society as they used to.

So, with this goal in mind, I set to work researching the best job options for me. During the time I was signed up for Workers Rehab, my counselor went over several job options with me. I even had a doctor do a physical to see what kind of job environment would be best suitable for me. However, that was then, this is now. I am not in the same physical shape I used to be in (though I am trying to fix this problem, as well, if I can ever figure out how to get my hip and foot to cooperate!).

I started my research anew.

At first, I thought maybe I could work with herbs, since I grew up with a father entrenched in herbal remedies and who often shared with me insights on certain herbs to use for certain ailments, but after some thought, I decided not to pursue that avenue. Biggest worry? That I might accidentally kill somebody! (There are some real toxic herbs out there.) I don't think I could handle something like that. So I crossed that off my list.

Then I thought, childcare? Maybe I could work at a daycare center. After all, I could be close to Jesse. But the truth is, I have a short fuse. (Yes! I'll admit it!) I just don't have the patience to have that kind of job. (I am trying to resolve that problem, as well, but it's slow going and very hard to break away from. I know I must eventually deal with all the anger I carry around inside. I am angry about a lot of things. I know I must resolve those issues and not let the anger weigh me down anymore.)

I then thought of working as a freelance editor. This is still a possibility, but I need to go to school for that. And I have no way to pay for school at this time. And, anyway, that thing is iffy and better suited for my own home-based business thing. Not as a career. I need a career. (Technically, I consider being an author my "career," but that's apples and oranges.) So, I'm saving that for later. After I can go to school for that, THAT can be something I can do from home. (A Plan B, I guess. LOL) And, actually, I have worked as an editor before -- for magazines and even a few books -- but I would feel MUCH better about making that a home-based business only after I have educational training to back me up on it. At least so far, I have experience! Yay!

Next, I thought landscaping could be in my future. After all, I DO make a fuss over a yard looking nice. And I DO have ideas for making up a yard. Also, it's so embarrassing that I'm married to someone who thinks all you need to do is mow a lawn or trim some hedges to take care of a yard. (No offense to hubby, but there's so much more you can do with a yard besides mowing it! That's the creative in me, ayup.) But then I thought...naahhh. Don't wanna be working outside day after day after day after day. Plus, I want a job where I could wear something nice. Not work clothes; office clothes.

Hmm. Office. I know I'd probably go batty having to work in a cubicle or at a desk all the time. But maybe I will find a way to make it survivable?

So I thought and thought. Eventually, I recalled reading a blog post on Karen Putz's blog, on a profile she did of a deaf medical coder. So I thought, medical coding? Could I DO that?? I checked this job out on the Web, reading up on what's required, what the job calls for, the kind of person it would be best for. The job DOES involve calling up people, but after thinking of how one deaf lady worked around that, I think I, too, can work around that. After all, the people at the business would KNOW I am deaf, right? It's not like they'd put a gun to my head and force me to use the telephone! I mean, surely, they would make exceptions? The big part of this job is using a computer and working with forms. I could do that! I also liked how this job does not require you to work on weekends, which I'd definitely want to spend with my kids.

I contacted someone via email who teaches classes on medical coding and hope there will be a response. If not, I'll keep trying to find somebody who can get me started on that path. As mentioned, the funds available to pay for this is scarce, so I'm hoping I can get a job that will help me to pay for that, so that I can then start my training for that desired job.

And all this time, I'm thinking, wow. Job. Up until now, I've only done side jobs and the regular teen jobs. Babysitting, housecleaning, office cleaning, petsitting and I was even someone's personal driver (though minus the big black hat. Haha). This will be my FIRST REAL JOB! I will actually be joining the workforce for the first time. Wow. But as excited as I am about that, I'm also nervous. I mean, I AM 36 years old. How many 36-year-olds do you see flipping burgers? (I have actually seen some 30-somethings working in fast food places, but usually as a manager.) It's embarrassing. More embarrassing that I won't know what I am doing or that I have to learn stuff 20-somethings have already mastered.

But...this is just the way it is. Thems the breaks. This is what happens when a stay-at-home mom joins the workforce for the first time. As nervous as I am, I should also be grateful. Because, bottom line, this is not an experience everybody has. This is MY experience, sure, but it's also one that is not so widely common. Also, at least this way, my getting through this experience will teach me how to help my own daughter should she go through this very same transition later in life. And, on top of that, it's just one more thing I'll get to write about.

Just give me a book to read -- a REGULAR book!

Today, I came across an article about how a certain famous author's book is being "amplified" with spiffy videos and audio features one would not normally find in a regular book. In fact, these features will be more useful for an electronic version of a book, such as an iPad or iPhone.

After reading that article, I had to just shake my head over the whole thing. Apparently, a regular book to read just doesn't cut it anymore. Nowadays, publishers want to spiffy up a book with videos and audio and all that other techie stuff.

Granted, I realize that publishers are trying to target the tech crowd, attract young readers more receptive to the latest technological trends and grab hold of readers who prefer eye candy over using their brain. But when this kind of thing needs to be done at all in order to attract readers to a book, one can't help but ponder the sorry state of Americans' appreciation of good old-fashioned literature in a regular book.

The one thing that bothered me about this is how all of that fancy-shmancy audio stuff would be worthless to someone who is profoundly deaf. And I mean "deaf" as in "deaf as a post." I wouldn't be able to enjoy any of that audio stuff the same way a hearing person could, so what good would that do me?

Another thing about this was troubling: The fact that there were videos showing what characters look like and what the setting looks like. Excuse me if I take a little offense to this, but isn't that the author's job? If a writer writes well enough, describing a character or describing a setting, then I should be able to get a pretty good picture of everything in my head. And on that note, what's wrong with my own imagination? I mean, give me credit for being a little creative myself. I can imagine what a character looks like or how a character's voice sounds without somebody else telling me or making that decision for me.

Part of the attraction of reading a novel is to escape to that story world, but also to be able to imagine the whole thing as I read. Therein is how our imagination is strengthened: By reading a story with good description and good detail, so that we can process this information to develop a picture of the story in our head. So when a publisher decides to take care of all that for a reader, eliminating the need to be creative and use our imagination, then there goes our ability to have our imagination grow just from reading a good story! Excuse me for getting the shade of a character's hair wrong -- my bad!

The other thing that attracts readers to a novel, particularly a deaf reader, is that you don't need to be able to hear to enjoy a book. That's one reason why I have always loved books: You don't need to hear to enjoy them! The same goes for someone who is blind, because there are audiobooks and books available in Braille.

That said, I only hope, and pray, that the old fashioned print books will never be replaced by those spiffied-up techie books. If it's one way to get the younger generation to read, fine. But please leave print books and regular ebooks in the picture, too, so that the rest of us can continue to enjoy them.

Deaf character in One Missed Call: Final

Some time back, one of my sisters texted me about the One Missed Call movie franchise. She told me she was watching the third installment in this Japanese film trilogy and encouraged me to see it, too. I added the movies to my queue on Netflix, along with the American version of One Missed Call, and pretty much forgot about it. Then I recently went over my sister's old blog posts (sorry for falling behind on your blog posts, Sis!) and read about how she thought she had a haunted cell phone, because her phone was going off even while she was charging it, even when it was off, and even when it had no more minutes on it! She talked about how odd this was. I know my own cell phone has acted strangely in the past, but never anything like that! Anyway, it reminded me of the movies, so I moved them up in my queue and recently saw all three of them.

I thought the movies were interesting. The second one was just too confusing. It was like thirty different plots thrown into one movie and all that confusion just didn't make any sense.

Then I watched the third one. Even though many reviewers on Netflix trashed this movie, I thought that, after surviving the madness of what was One Missed Call 2, I could get through this last film in the series. But what especially had me interested was that there is a deaf character in this movie. I wanted to see just what kind of role he played in a movie about a haunted cell phone. (And I must say, it was good to see creepy Mimiko in this movie again. She is just so scary!) Also, one reviewer said that it was nice to see a deaf character in a prominent role, so I was encouraged by this.

So I watched the movie, with extra attention focused on the deaf character (actually, he is a deaf-mute), and I had mixed feelings.

First off, I couldn't tell if the character was using Japanese Sign Language (since this is a Japanese film) or Korean Sign Language. Even though the boy (and actor Jang Geun-seok) is Korean and living in Korea, a little checking confirmed he was using Japanese Sign Language. I still had to wonder: Is there such a thing as Korean Sign Language? There actually is: this link and this link were interesting links to check out about Korean Sign Language. I thought it interesting how the person who wanted to learn about Korean Sign Language (KSL) noted the fact that people all over the world do not sign the same as "we" do. I have noted this in my comparison of British Sign Language (BSL) with American Sign Language (ASL). There is also SEE.

And speaking of, I noticed how some of the JSL signs were similar to their ASL counterparts. Words like "school," "group" and "email" were similar to how they are signed in ASL. All the same, I also noticed how he kept using the same sign for different words. I had to wonder if this is the norm in Japanese Sign Language. It's something to think about.

Finally, even though the actor playing Jinu can hear, I really thought he was deaf in real life. He so acted like a deaf/HOH person would around people, studying their faces closely when reading lips and not reacting to sound like everybody else does. On the first note, I have to add that I kind of thought it was funny how he practically had to strain his neck so that he could lipread Emiri (who kept looking away as she was speaking -- to herself or to him, who knows). I mean, the girl knows he is deaf and most of the time, she DID look at him as she spoke. But it reminded me of how people "talking to me" often turn away as they speak or look down and I have to try to get a view of their face again to continue lipreading them. On that other note, I at first wondered why Jinu reacted to what seemed like noise when he and Emiri are looking for another character. But I noticed how he was the one to turn first and Emiri reacted fearfully like there was something behind them, when there was not. I realized he was just being careful, something a deaf/HOH person would do in that situation. I constantly have to remember to look around and take notice of things since I can't hear footsteps or the breathing of someone behind me so we are told to be careful like that and look around. It's possible Jinu was acting that way as a defensive reaction, just in case there WAS something there behind them.

Finally, at the end of the movie, I was curious about what Jinu means when he tells Emiri "I heard what you said." This is confusing. Did he mean "I heard about" what she said? (This reminds me of the many times friends and classmates have poked fun every time I said "I heard about" after I became deaf, because, um, I wasn't able to hear, so they took the whole "hearing" about something thing literally and teased me about it.) This part of the movie doesn't make sense, especially since Jinu is nowhere near Emiri at that particular point in time he is referring to. He might be referring to some kind of hallucination or something that happened at that time. As far as I know, Emiri was mysteriously transported back to Japan from Korea, and not Jinu. Then again, it could be something lost in translation when the person responsible for making the subtitles tried to match something in English with something signed in Japanese Sign Language.

Overall, though, I was still satisfied with how this deaf character was portrayed. Kudos for including a deaf character in such a major role and kudos to Jang Geun-seok for portraying a deaf character so impressively.

Hang-ups

As a deaf person, I am all too familiar with a hearing person unacquainted with the motions of a relay call hanging up on me. This has happened several times. A hearing person who does not know what a relay call is, or that relay is used by the deaf and hard-of-hearing to make a phone call with, often are surrounded by so many stories of phone scams, telemarketers and relay being used to con unsuspecting people out of money, etc., and so they automatically avoid receiving a relay call.

That said, on a personal level, it is extremely frustrating when I am trying to contact a company for their services or contact someone at a place of interest, only to have them say things like "this sounds like a scam" or "I don't have time for this" and they hang up. How sad they "don't have the time" to address a deaf person over the phone. I have ever since avoided these places and businesses (they have lost a prospective customer thanks to their paranoia and ignorance). However, when it is a family member who KNOWS that it is me calling (since I'm the only deaf person in my family and they know I must use relay for phone calls), it is downright offensive and hurtful when they hang up on me.

The most common situation in which this happens is at my mother's house. My younger brother and his four children live with my parents. For months, even years, trying to contact my mom by phone has stretched my patience thin. My brother has been known to answer the phone, give some remark ("I'm busy right now" or "there's nobody here") then hang up the phone without allowing me the chance to say a single word. Or, his kids will answer the phone, and since none of them are aware of what a relay call is, they hang up (that actually happened yesterday). Apparently, nobody over there has taken the time to teach those children proper phone manners. They just don't say anything after the relay operator announces the call and just hang up. Hey, guess what, kid? You just hung up on your deaf aunt!

But I never get to say a word. My ability to speak to them is cut off, because they have cut it off. They have decided they "don't have the time" to take a call from me, they don't want me speaking to my mother over the phone or they just want me to STOP CALLING. (One aunt I tried to call using relay kept hanging up on me, as well. Her husband finally answered the phone, screamed into the receiver "stop calling!" then hung up. I was deeply hurt, but you can bet I never called over there again. And, I never will. How sad even they don't understand that a deaf person in this family is trying to make a phone call using the only way she can do so: With a relay service.)

Trying to call back after being hung up on is useless. Nobody answers the phone. Not at all.

Today, I did get a chance to talk with my mother -- for all of 5 minutes. Then my dad got upset over her water being spilled on his papers, so she told me to call back in an hour while she cleaned it up and weathered another one of his fitful storms. I called back but when the phone was answered by my brother, he hung it up after learning it was a relay call. I called back, asking the operator to ask for my mom. My brother answered again and said he was busy right now, then hung up on me AGAIN. I called back a third time. This time, a woman answered the phone. After the operator asked for my mom, this mysterious female said "she's not here" and hung up.

So, I got to talk to my mom for 5 minutes today. That's it. Didn't get a chance to tell her to PLEASE explain to my stupid brother's children what a relay call is, and to give her the phone when they get a relay call. Not to hang the phone up! That is just rude. Just give the phone to her and say, "Grandma, Dawn's on the phone." Is that so hard?

But this whole thing is not just about manners. It also screams "discrimination" and "rejection." It's like they are saying, "If you can't call me like a normal hearing person with your voice on the phone, don't bother calling at all." Seriously, this is just one more thing certain members of my family reject about my deaf world. Plain and simple. It's just another slap in the face.

After yesterday's incident, I angrily decided not to call over there anymore. So why did I call over there again? Am I really that desperate for their kind of rejection and mistreatment? Am I a sadist for punishment? No. I called over there again because I desperately want to talk to my mother. My mother does not have email. She is not on the Internet. She has no cell phone, either. And writing letters would be useless; I doubt anyone over there would give them to her. Or if she can even mail back a reply. So phone calls are my only way to reach my mother.

And, unfortunately, nobody else over there seems to want me to call on the phone. They just hang up on me without giving me a chance to say a single word.

My mother lives in Illinois. I live in Oregon. I have not seen my mother for 3 years and what makes it even worse is that the cancer she has been fighting for decades is just getting worse and worse. Some days are good for her. Other days, not so good.

Would be so nice if I could maintain just one connection with her. Let me talk to her. Please, let me talk to my mother.

Mom, I love you very much. I didn't get a chance to say that on the phone today. I cry so many times because I can't see you and I am sad and angry I can't see you and that my attempts to call you are met with such rudeness from so-called "family." You will have a special place in my heart forever and I promise to come visit you as soon as I can. But even in spirit, please know that me and the kids are there with you. We miss you terribly and hope you will hang on until we can come and see you in person. I will always love you, Mom. Even if I can't ever say that to you again.