Embracing the Deaf World

I got my audiological report today. It was...kind of depressing. I guess I was disappointed. Apparently, my ability to comprehend what people are saying, even WITH a hearing device, was only at 48%. And that was WITH visual cues.

Darn. :(

I guess I got my hopes up too high. I wanted to believe I could have a problem-free conversation with others even if I wear a hearing aid. But I guess....short of a "miracle hearing aid" or something like that, I guess it can't happen.

I also guess on some level, I didn't want to believe I was THAT deaf. So I guess the proof is in the pudding now: I am SERIOUSLY, profoundly deaf.

I'm not ashamed of being deaf. But...I guess in some way, a part of me still wants to be in the hearing world. Wants to be a part of the hearing world. I was born into that world and it was a world which I embraced.

I guess losing some parts of that world are what hurt the most. Like music. It’s so hard living without music. Really hard. But, I deal with it.

And I know I must accept it. I haven’t yet, of course. I have just been hoping, on SOME level, I could hear music again. Enough to sing to it. Dance with it. Enjoy it! But, no. That can’t happen.

That’s stuff in the hearing world. Not in the deaf world.

It is the deaf world which I belong in. The deaf world that is my own.

It’s true the deafness happened many years ago. When I was 13. I’m 32 now. And it just...really was something that was never really easy to accept on a 100% level. But now I will, all the way.

A movie quote comes to mind here. The one from Elizabethtown, when Claire says: "You have 5 minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it, embrace it, discard it ... and proceed."

I will proceed.