This THING that happened

This morning, my husband and I had an appointment with the school counselor at my son’s school. During the meeting, we were asked how long we had been married. I was trying to remember the exact length of time it’s been since he and I got back together, and during that time, my husband answered, “Fifteen years.”

I sat there thinking, Wow, has it really been that long? I haven’t lived in Oregon THAT long. Our daughter is fifteen and she was not born here.

But after some thinking more on this later – and checking the calendar – I realized that it’s actually been almost 10 years (it will be 10 years this summer). But did he know that? Or was he doing what some other people I know do, and that is acting like certain things NEVER HAPPENED. Not too long ago, when he and I celebrated our anniversary, the whole mention of the divorce that he and I went through got a whole “we do not speak of this” kinda treatment from some relatives. Like they wanted to pretend the divorce never happened.

Here’s my question: Why? It DID happen. I know it happened. I WAS THERE!

So, yes, the man I am married to now used to be a man I temporarily WAS NOT married to! Once upon a time, he and I were divorced. My daughter may not remember it (she told me later that she blocked it out) and maybe it’s not exactly a favorite topic of discussion with my husband’s family, but, yes, we WERE divorced once!

Why is mentioning it a bad thing? It’s not like mentioning it is gonna make it happen again!

But, maybe mentioning it only brings up bad memories or feelings of disappointment or whatever. Whatever!

But I’m not going to act like it never happened. It DID happen.

I’m just not the kind of person who likes to pretend bad things never happened. Uh, no. Bad things happen in life. THAT’S LIFE! That’s just the way it is. I’m not going to pretend I all of a sudden have amnesia and can’t remember any of them.

Especially this thing. I don’t want to forget this part of my past. I don't want to go back to being the person that I was then or even sometime before then. I want to stay the person THAT experience made me become. Sure, that experience meant struggling to feed my child when it was just her and me living by ourselves in a city where we didn’t know anyone. Those were some very trying, difficult and scary times. I was divorced for seven months, and it was HARD. It was damn hard. But you know what? I am glad I went through it, because it made me stronger. I hated it that I had to work two jobs and even THEN for lousy pay, but I was able to see just how much of myself I could count on to provide for me and my own when we didn’t have anyone else there for us. I was able to see that I WILL step up and do what I need to do to make sure my kid is fed and has what she needs.

I learned some really good lessons during that time of my life. I got to see who was there for us (and I mean you, Jimmy and Melissa!), and just how hard it is to be a single parent struggling to pay for everything, do everything and be everything for a child. I knew what it was like to deal with a child being hungry and only having a box of crackers in the cabinet and I knew what it was like to be afraid, DEAF, and the only person to keep myself and my child safe when there was some crazy person trying to break into the house or some bum at the window demanding we let him in. And because I was on food stamps, I know what that is like, too, and just how much a family RELIES on food stamps to feed themselves with. You know, I’m glad for it, because I have “been there, done that.” I have never since looked down at people who receive food stamps or felt they were just freeloaders looking for handouts, because I know the struggle they go through in trying to provide. And I’ve been more sympathetic to families on the street begging for money or food.

Oh, and, of course, I had SO MUCH FUN learning how to ride a city bus! (Or not, should I say. Ugh!)

So, you know, that is a part of my past that I kinda want to hold onto. I know it was a bad thing to happen and I know that some people got hurt, but that doesn’t mean that I want to erase it from my past. I don’t want to pretend that it never happened. And I certainly will not “erase from existence” the people who came into my life during that particular chapter (shout out to Jimmy, the Grynch guys, Heather, Kathleen, Nicole, Kim and all the folks at the Willamette Christian Center for helping us!). I can’t believe it has been almost 11 years since I walked into that courthouse that one summer and filed those papers. And it’s been nearly 10 years since that decision was overturned. I don’t regret going back to my husband, because my daughter is happier that her dad is in her life, I have a son now who is almost 10 because of it, and my husband now treats me A LOT better than before. Sure, it was hard at first, but we made it. You know? I think on some level, he realized that he shouldn’t take the marriage for granted.

Me? I don’t take ANYTHING or ANYONE for granted. I appreciate every single thing that has happened in my life – both the good things AND the bad things. I learned so many lessons from all the bad things that there’s no way I would ever pretend they never happened. They all taught me some VERY important lessons in life. And, they have made me stronger.

I still see some places from that part of the past – that little house that Jen and I lived in on West 11th when it was just me and her (and the Grynch guys living next door! And where that lady who often appeared on our lawn with her lawnmower just blissfully mowing away!); the house of the guy, Mark, who lived across the street who we often chatted with; the laundromat Jen and I walked to to wash our clothes; the church we went to; the White Bird clinic to get medical assistance; the bus station; the courthouse. And when I see those places, I remember those particular times from that part of my past.

Some of the people from my past are still in my life (like Jimmy and Tobby), and some of them are not. Some of them walked away, and some of them just disappeared.

I remember ALL of them. Every. Single. One.

I won’t erase them from my past, either. I am not going to pretend I never knew them or they never existed. They did exist, and some of them still exist in my life right now. They are all a part of that chapter in my past. Maybe some of them are still left there, in my past, but they’re not gone completely. They’re in my memories. They’re in my story. And this story is not going to get a rewrite.

Gypsies, tramps and thieves

A couple of days ago, I came face-to-face with a sad reality of my past: I was very, very irresponsible with my credit. This is one topic that has been weighing heavily on me lately, mainly because I have begun to wish I could have a nice house my children can grow up in. My credit is really bad and I wish I knew how to fix it.

And what a mess it is to fix.

It's not just unpaid medical bills that have accumulated. It's also things I "bought" but never paid for. It's also that huge stain on my credit report that came about because my parents were irresponsible for paying mortgages and they took that money to the casinos instead. (WHY I never did anything to change that, I will never know. I was naive. Everybody in the family laughed about it but I certainly never laughed about it then and certainly not now.)

I don't know why I was that way. Seeing those piles of unpaid bills and notices was certainly very depressing and I just felt terribly guilty. I felt ashamed of myself, really.

My parents took money that was for medical reasons and bought houses, cars and expensive gifts instead. They also had a gambling problem. They were just throwing that money into the wind, you know? It was seriously mishandled and I was so stupid and naive to sign those forms they put in front of me or let them use my name to get loans or my name and address for their utility bills.

It angers me and it frustrates me. WHY DIDN'T I DO SOMETHING?? Why didn't I say "Look, this is wrong"?

Well, I wasn't the only one in the family who was living dishonestly. Believe me, lies, manipulation, greed, immorality and betrayal go way, way, waaayyy back in my family. (It's no joke that I used to refer to my family as "the mafia.") Nobody said this stuff was bad. Everybody thought it was okay. Avoiding the law became a joke among all of us and having a bad rap was something every single one of us was known for.

Including me...

But I know now that stuff was just wrong. I should have been more vigorous in protecting my credit. Seriously, I should have REALIZED that one day I would want to be able to own a home my children can grow up in, and that I'll need a good credit report to get there. I should have realized I'd feel guilty if I didn't pay for that knickknack I ordered through the mail or if I didn't take care of a doctor's bill IMMEDIATELY. Heck, why didn't I get it that I could ask to pay huge bills in increments??

There's just so much I didn't "get" and didn't understand.

But I am older now. And wiser. Nowadays, I'm more protective about what goes on as far as that stuff is concerned.

These days, I KNOW I have to have good credit. I know how important it is. And I am stronger now, strong enough to stand up for myself and to avoid being in a position where people can use me and use my name to get what they want (usually money). (Unfortunately, I can talk til I'm blue in the face with some people. I have a "friend" who keeps using my name and even my address to get things. Cell phone service, utility service, etc. I have told her REPEATEDLY to STOP USING MY NAME and stop using my address, too. I don't know yet if she has stopped. But she HAS received collection notices at my address. Sigh.)

I have been very depressed and guilty about this. I don't even know if half of what family members have told me about the notices are true. (Mostly, it's a "don't worry about it" response. But I worry!) When I saw those stacks of bills, I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. That right there was proof of my irresponsibility. That right there was proof that I was not being smart about what was going on and what I was doing. I didn't see the bad habits I was imitating from family members but my eyes are wide open now. I am not that person anymore and I have no plans at all to ever be that person again.

I want to lead an honest, trustworthy and charitable life. But how can I do that with that paper trail saying I cannot be trusted?

It's a horrible ache and I've been praying really hard about it. I have asked God for forgiveness but also for what to do. How can I make things right again? What do I need to do to clear away the bad things I did?

I am still hoping that God will lead me to my answer. It all seems so overwhelming. My husband said to just shred all of it then when I pay a bill, the old ones will start to come in. I don't know if that is true, because some of them are REALLY old. And I don't know anything about how the whole "credit industry" works. I'm very clueless about these things.

Except for the fact that I DO need to come clean. On ALL of it. I have to make right what was made wrong.

Part of the reason I am trying so hard to "make it big" with the writing is so that I can make that happen. There's so many old debts incurred, so many current bills to pay, it's like an ongoing process of trying to keep it all in check with what amount I can manage to dole out for it each month.

But the important thing is that the people who contributed to this mess are not in control anymore. I am. So from now on, instead of rolling my eyes and saying "thank you, Mom and Dad" whenever I see "LIEN" or "BANKRUPTCY" on my credit report, I will instead see it as a matter that must be resolved. It hurts that this is a burden I have to carry, but at least I now have control over whether it gets better or worse. And at least I see now the bad habits that contributed to it, and that all of those bad habits must never happen again.