Seven years, without the itch

They say most marriages are doomed to failure because of what’s known as “the seven year itch.” For some reason or another, after seven years of marriage, most folks want to move on to someone else.

But you know what? Not me.

Today is the seventh anniversary I remarried my husband and the truth is, I couldn’t be happier. I have NO regrets! Yes, I lost friends because I went back to him. (So-called “friends.”) And, yes, I got harsh criticism from family members for remarrying him, but today I can say that it was the right choice I made. I did it because I wanted to make things right for my daughter. And while things were hard at first, today, everything’s perfect. My husband treats me like a queen!

The one thing that stood out about my decision to go back to him was this: He was there for me, at my side, when I was pushing him away. After I passed out at the bookstore and got a ride home from a friend, he rushed over to check on me and make sure I was okay. After I walked to a job interview in freezing weather and ended up on his doorstep for a ride home, he made sure I was warm and comfortable again before driving me home.

I divorced this man because our marriage was not what it should be. And I remarried this man because I started to have a little glint of hope that our marriage WILL be what it should be. If only given the chance. And today, after seven years, I can now say that it is. It was not perfect at first but it has gotten better.

This has given me faith in giving second chances. I have given him a second chance and he has NOT made me regret it, at all. He has proved to me that he can be the husband and father he was meant to be. And he IS a good husband and a good father. He has not disrespected me at all, even during the times I was mad at him and being unkind to him. He never treated me wrong. And I knew this was because he loved me. He loved me no matter what happened, and he never let me go.

The bottom line is this: He. Was. There. When no one else was. That’s love. And that’s what I’m feeling for this man more than ever before nowadays.

We celebrated our anniversary both yesterday and today. Today marks seven years. Here’s to seven, and many, years more!

Love day

Today is Valentine’s Day and while we don’t usually make a huge fuss over this day, we do make it a point to show each other we care. And it’s not just me and my husband exchanging Valentines; we ALL exchange Valentines in the family. The parents and the kids give each other something special to show that we all love each other.

And I think “love” is an important message we need more of in this world, especially with all the terrible things going on in it. All of the violence, murders and wars going on. We need some more love in this world!

Recently, I was shocked to learn that a local elementary school had canceled Valentine’s Day. Who on earth would want to cancel a day meant to show love? Especially in a setting where bullying, violence and shootings can happen. We need to teach children to learn how to like, even love, each other, not hate each other or create death lists or want to kill each other. So I thought it was a bad call for this school to do such a thing. (A lot of schoolchildren are still trying to heal from and understand the Sandy Hook school shooting.)

As for Jennifer’s school, I asked her if they were going to cancel Valentine’s Day there, too. She said, “We get to choose.” Basically, everybody at her school could participate in Valentine’s Day activities or not. It was totally an optional thing. I was glad to learn this, but Jennifer was not all that eager to go crazy about Valentine’s Day at her school. She is not exactly into the whole “love” thing. And I told her, well, then just be extra nice today. Be extra kind to everybody. It doesn’t HAVE to be about love; it can be about like. (She ended up making Valentines for her best friends, as well as a teacher’s aide who didn’t get any Valentines from anybody.)

Valentine’s Day was also celebrated at Jesse’s preschool, as well. In fact, they have been doing projects related to Valentine’s Day all week and today they all gave out Valentines. After he came home today, he kept reading and rereading his Valentines with a big smile on his face.

They really DO make people feel special.

As for us, I got my husband a book set as well as chocolate for Valentine’s Day. He got me chocolates and chocolate covered strawberries (which is what I asked for – yummy!). Husband and I also went out to lunch. The kids got me flowers and their dad chocolates. We gave the kids chocolates. And, of course, we all wished each other a Happy Valentine’s Day and told each other “I love you.” (Well, I already tell the kids that every day!)

It was a nice “love day” for all of us but of course we don’t need a special day of the year to remind each other that we love each other. We already do that every day. But getting a lot of chocolate in one day was definitely a nice perk for celebrating Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

The second time around

When I tell people that I reconciled with my husband following our divorce and that we remarried, the first thing they always want to know is this: Are things better this time? Even though things got off to a rocky start at first, I have to answer with a resounding YES. And, now, on this, our second anniversary, my answer is still YES. We still bicker sometimes. We still occasionally drive each other crazy. We still both want different things from the other -- but accept the person we have. And we still do occasionally just want the other to stay VERY. FAR. AWAY. But my answer is still yes. Yes, things are better this time. Yes, things can improve even after a divorce. And, yes, people given a second chance will often not disappoint.

That is the big thing that I think about a lot. How I gave my husband a second chance. I wasn't so willing to do so at first, because my heart was not in the right place. But looking back, I'm glad I made that choice to give him a second chance. I look at how things might have been for me and my daughter and I am especially grateful that I made that choice. I believe it was the right one to make. And my daughter and I are especially grateful, because we got Jesse because of that choice.

I know a lot of people who think that once you divorce someone, you should NOT go back to them. You should move forward, not backward. But I believe that sometimes, a marriage to someone could be like a "starter marriage." And that by going back to them and giving them another chance, recognizing the mistakes made that led to the divorce and the time away from each other to analyze feelings and reexamine priorities are the building blocks of what could make the marriage work the second time around. I don't agree that when we divorce someone, we should write them out of our lives forever. Well, in SOME cases, that is definitely a smart thing to do. If the divorced spouse is an abusive or violent person, if there is too much danger in staying together or if there is a line crossed that cannot be forgiven, then, yes, I agree that they should be permanently written out of a person's life. But other than that...you know, the heart is very resilient. Love finds a way to make things work. And that's exactly what happened for us. Love found a way.

As I stated, the beginning was a little rocky for us. I made it VERY CLEAR to my husband that we were NOT going to repeat the same mistakes made in our first marriage. This time, things would be different, and we would NOT do a repeat of the way things were with us in our first marriage. I was NOT going to allow him to treat me the way he did the first time, which led to our divorce. As his wife, I demand respect from him. I expect to be treated fairly and to retain my connections with family, even if he didn't like that. I also made it clear that if I ended up making more money than him, he would have to accept that. It's OUR money, anyway. Not mine, not his. It's ALL ours. And that's another thing, too. Everything is not "yours and mine." It's OURS. We're a team, we work together and we share together. We keep no secrets from each other and we are honest with each other about our feelings, even if those feelings hurt. And we talk about things, instead of bottling them up.

It took some time but things HAVE improved for us. In fact, he has spoiled me, and I smile when I think about all that he does for us and our family. He works really hard and he tries to make our lives as comfortable as it can be. I think about all the factors that contributed to our problems before and I am grateful they no longer exist. I am grateful for how things have improved, changed and developed between all of us. Sure he and I are still different -- we're like apples and oranges -- but the common ground we share is what brought us back together. And it's what keeps us together, too.

What's a girl gotta do for romance?

Despite the fact that I majorly dress in "guy clothes" (jeans and T-shirt), I do like to be girly sometimes. I am, more than anything, a girl. And girls like a little romance every once in a while.

So it was a huge disappointment when, last night, while my daughter was at a sleepover and the baby was asleep, there was NO romance with hubby. At all.

I had hoped we could spend some alone time together. But it didn't happen. Instead, he spent hours playing a computer game. While I was left alone. And when I was trying to get his attention, he didn't notice. I sat there grumbling, "The house could burn down and he wouldn't even notice!"

Our marriage hasn't exactly been great lately. There has not been much physical expression. Just a hug. We don't even hold hands when we go out, if we ever go somewhere together at all. He hardly ever says "I love you" and, if he does, it's because I have to say it first. We've grown emotionally distant and just don't spend any time together. At all.

So last night, eventually, I just opened up to him about it. But in the wrong way: We had an argument. I complained about the lack of intimacy and the lack of emotion between us. I told him I feel like we're roommates and not husband and wife. I kept stressing this WAS NOT about sex (and lack of it); this was about how we are so emotionally distant from each other. There's no closeness.

I also reminded him how he does so much stuff with his friend but nothing with me. We don't have coffee together. We don't "meet for lunch." We don't go to community events together like we used to. We've stopped treating each other like husband and wife and instead act as father and mother.

I also told him how I had hoped we could have a romantic evening together, since we FINALLY had that chance. FINALLY!! That chance to spend time together is finally there...and it never happened. I was so upset.

He said that he was waiting for me to say something. Or do something. And I asked him why he didn't say or do anything, either. I told him, "Don't wait. Just do something!"

Anyway, there came and went our one chance for romance. It bothers me because it has been so long since any romance has been a part of how we relate to each other. I told him I am very unhappy here and very lonely. I doubt it would do much good to even have said that, though.

Sometimes, I feel like he just doesn't care.

It's not exactly the kind of marriage I want to be in. I want my companion. My "other half." My soul mate.

And that is not there.

It really has made me see things differently and think about this marriage differently. Before, it used to be for my child's sake. (Despite this, she told me she's scared of her father.) But now I have to take a look at myself and ask myself if I can continue to live with unhappiness and disappointments. If that's something I want to continue to carry. And even if it's something I want to fix or have the strength to fix.

It's a lot I've been thinking about. Sometimes, we just really need to ask ourselves whose happiness should come first. A lot of the times, it feels like he puts HIS happiness first. Maybe I should do the same for me.

Broken heart

Sometimes I wish there was no such thing as "love." Or that, at least, I couldn't feel it. That I could just close my heart up and NEVER feel love for anyone. The romantic kind of love, anyway. Life would be so much more simpler....

There are some things I need to fix, as far as my heart is concerned.

I need to start trusting my heart to the man I've remarried. I DO feel love for him (of course! he's the father of my children), but...I just can't trust him with all of my heart. A fact he has recently discovered. Some part of me is afraid. Afraid that he will hurt me again. And my heart is just so....guarded with him. Like it has all of these walls around it. I never saw this coming. Seriously! I never saw something like THIS happening. But, there it is. And as far as trying to fix THAT problem is concerned....well, I really think counseling would help. At first I thought "time" was the answer. But there are issues we need to work past. That I need to work past. It's not easy when someone ELSE in the past was abusive to me. And in some regard, I think that right there influences my relationship with my husband. So I think that, in this case, counseling is the answer.

I need to forget about someone in my past. When I say someone had hurt me, boy, do I mean it. Yes, someone had hurt me very badly. Someone playing a mean trick. And sometimes...I'll catch myself remembering it. Remembering things this person said to me. And wishing it had been true. That's when my heart starts to ache for that person...who wasn't really that person at all. Just someone playing head games with me. That's when I'll reign in my heart and say, "No. Don't be sad. Don't feel any kind of love for him. That wasn't even him. You want to love an impostor!" Those are the moments when I just have to tell my heart, "Stop." I have no idea how to fix THAT problem. I don't know, maybe with time? Maybe if I met/knew the REAL person and was friends with him, that would help me to just GRASP that it was all just a charade? I don't know. I want to understand how I can fix that problem my heart struggles with. That is something I need to work on.

And, finally, the other problem that I need to fix with my heart is learning to let go. Let go of my dream man. I now know why those dreams came back: Because I wanted them to. After the first dream, I was so riddled with sadness and guilt. Jonathan had killed himself in my dream because he thought I didn't love him. But I HAD! In the dream, I HAD felt that love for him! He thought he had NO ONE but he was wrong. And I wanted to set things right. That's why the dream came back. And it lasted for so long because I WANTED them to. There were times in my life when it was I who had no one. No friends, no one to love, and I had such a troubled atmosphere at home.... So it's natural that the dreams continued. My mind was giving me what my subconscious wanted. The kind of love I had in those dreams was REAL. It was TRUE LOVE. It was the kind of love that lasted over the years, the kind of love that was blind to how I looked, the kind of love that was NEVER destroyed no matter what. And I wanted that kind of love so bad. Even if it was only in my dreams. But now I know....it was not real. It was what my mind created for me, especially during the troubled times in my life. Those dreams were my therapy. And, sometimes, it was the love in those dreams, HIS love for me, that gave me strength to go on. And it was that kind of love that inspired me, too, in its own ways. But now I must let that love go....because the fact that it's NOT REAL and...not here in my life is just too painful for me to bear. I can't explain how I dreamed about someone who ended up looking like a real person, before I even KNEW about him. I can't explain that. It's just one of those...."common face" situations, I guess. But, in any event, I know I must forget all of that now. I must let it go and STOP my heart from keeping that love alive, because that love is not real and it never will be. As much as I want it to be. I can live with not knowing, but I can't live with not having....

These are the issues that I struggle with. Which my heart is struggling with. They are issues which no heart surgeon in the world could ever fix. Only me. And I may not have all the answers, I may not know who to talk to about these things, but I will do what I must to try to fix them. My heart is broken and it needs to be fixed. So I will fix it.

Lessons in Love

There's something I have been wrestling with lately: The fact that I am not completely in love with my husband. I DO love him, this I know. I mean, I had children with him. I MARRIED him. There is a love there, and it will always be there.

But it's just not the kind of love that I want it to be. I don't love him the way I did before. I would like to. I would really like to have a marriage in which there is 100% love, 100% trust, 100% devotion. But that is not a part of this marriage. Probably because of how the first marriage was destroyed, when that love and trust were destroyed.

But I don't like things like this....being so guarded and "on the alert" in case the past comes up again or in case he hurts me again.

I have been reading this book called "The Purpose-Driven Life." It is an AMAZING book written by Rick Warren. And I recently came across a passage on forgiveness. How we can forgive people right away, as God does, but we can't trust them again right away. We are expected by God to forgive right away, but not expected to trust them again right away. That trust needs to be rebuilt over time.

So maybe over time, I will be able to trust my husband with my whole heart again. Not just half of my heart or most of my heart. All of it. It's not right that I'm on the alert in case my husband, the man I am SUPPOSED to be able to trust, turns around and hurts me again.

Ever since I opened my heart to Jesus and made religion a priority in my life, I have learned so much about love and forgiveness in my faith and worship. God has just taught me so much and I put my complete trust in Him. Hopefully this will help me to come to terms with my ability to trust my husband.

I know marriage is no paradise. I know that a relationship takes work. That it takes time. And I guess time is what we both need to fully heal from our wounds of the past. I've already let go of it. Now I just have to wait and see if I will ever be able to live with the certainty that it won't come back.