Angels among us

As someone who is dealing with grief, there are times that I will just retreat into a corner and feel a little sad. Or I’ll see someone that reminds me of a lost loved one and it makes me cry a little or remember them fondly. The other night, I was thinking about an aunt, and something that she was asking me about when she missed the ending of Rocky II after seeing it for the first time. Then the other day I was thinking about how I stayed up really late one night just talking and hanging out with a friend – who passed away almost 4 years ago. I know this is something that everyone who deals with grief goes through.

The death of my parents has been the hardest, though. And it’s been almost a year since my dad died. So last night I was thinking about him and really missing him. I was sad because I missed him so much. After a rough night of dealing with that, I went to bed, hoping that maybe I wouldn’t be feeling that sadness so much tomorrow. Before I’d gone to bed, though, I chatted with my older sister. We got to talking about our dad and she wondered if he’d made it to Heaven. I told her that I thought he did. In my heart, I believed that he did. We had forgiven him and I’d spent a lot of time at his funeral praying he would be allowed into Heaven and asking God to accept our forgiveness for our dad.

But the pain last night was too much so I decided to go to bed earlier than normal. It would seem I was not going to have a good night’s sleep.

I was awakened during a dream I was having. I literally felt a hand gently shake my shoulder to get me to wake up. After I woke up, I sat up in my bed and the first thing I did was look out my bedroom door. I saw the retreating figure of someone walking through my hallway. This figure had dark-colored hair (dark brown or black) and wore a white shirt. I didn’t see the rest of the clothing. Then I looked at the time. It was 3:11 a.m. I was alone in the room.

At first, I thought the person I’d seen was my daughter (she has dark brown hair and a pixie haircut), even though she hadn’t worn white when she’d gone to bed. I also thought maybe it was someone in the house. I knew it wasn’t my husband. He doesn’t wear a white shirt. So I got out of bed to investigate. My daughter was sleeping. My husband was both on the computer and watching Supernatural. And there was no one else in the house. The house was secure.

It was then that I knew a certain “visitor” had woken me up and had been who I had seen walking away in the hallway.

I checked on my 8-year-old son and found him halfway off his bed. I went into his room, put him all the way back onto his bed, moved him over a little so he wouldn’t roll off the covered him with his blanket. I figured this must’ve been why I’d been awakened. I wasn’t surprised I’d been alerted to something about him. This has happened in the past. There are ghosts in my house and many of them have woken me up several times in the past.

But had it been an angel that had woken me up this time? I keep wondering because of the white clothing. I first saw an angel after I moved into this house. I knew that the being I saw was an angel: He/she did not have wings (not that I could see!) but he/she wore a white gown and shown with a brilliant light all around him/her. The being had shoulder-length blond hair. I couldn’t tell if it was male or female (do angels even have genders??) because this figure was retreating down my hallway with its back turned to me.

Just like the being I had just seen earlier.

I would like to think that it had been my dad checking in on us. Seriously, he fits the description. (My dad had black hair.) And I would like to think my dad is indeed an angel now. I’d like to believe that he went to where my mom is. So I’d like to think that the being I saw was my dad.

This would not have been an unusual thing for us. I have seen my lost loved ones before. And I know that my parents have been here in spirit a time or two. My family has a sensitivity to this type of thing and we all believe that our lost loved ones can visit us in spirit form or in our dreams. My children believe the same thing, too. They have also seen ghosts.

And my son thinks that his grandma was once in a room with him. He can still remember the day that he had been jumping on my bed and he took a huge leap to the floor. Suddenly, he was caught in mid-air then gently lowered to the floor. He told me he thinks that his grandma caught him. I think so, too.

For a long time, I was a little disappointed that I didn’t see any angels. I saw ghosts just like everyone else in my family and I was able to sense when there’s someone in a room, and I have also “heard” ghosts, but I hadn’t seen any angels. But now I have. And with my parents being among the angels, it is comforting to know that I can see them every once in a while, too. It was certainly comforting to know that my dad knew I was missing him last night and maybe decided to pay us a visit. I hope I’ll see him again soon. I know I’ll be seeing him again in my dreams – and my mom, too – and those are the kinds of dreams that I cherish.

A very blessed Christmas

I was dreading the approach of Christmas, let alone Christmas Eve. Sure, we were all excited about Christmas coming up, but it’s so hard to get through the holidays with my mom being gone. I keep telling myself that I can STILL “talk” to my mom on Christmas; it’ll just have to be with my heart. But that doesn’t make it any easier. And the fact that I had an emotional breakdown over the weekend and just cried my heart out because I miss my mom so much did not help, either.

But here we are, at Christmas. And I’ve managed okay so far. It has definitely been a big help to have some wonderful friends around who have offered comfort and support. I’m so glad we got to see them in the days leading up to Christmas. Seeing these dear friends again just warmed my heart and it was good to have a shoulder to lean on, too. They are awesome friends and I am so grateful they are in our lives!

I ended up waking up at 4 a.m. today. I ALWAYS wake up first on Christmas, which is a good thing because I usually have extra little gifties to slip into stockings. But the reason why I woke up so early was because I was really thirsty. I got up to get a glass of water, let the dog out and to put the stocking stuffers into their designated stockings. After all that, I went back to bed, hoping to get some more sleep. But a sadness came over my heart as I lied in my darkened bedroom. I whispered to the darkness, “Merry Christmas, Mom.” I stayed still just for a bit, thinking of how much I wished I could hug her, then just as I looked down, I was surprised to see the back of someone walking past my open door! At first, I thought it was Jennifer, because this was a female with short brown hair, but the thing of it was ... this “person” was all white and transparent! A lit-up kind of person! Like an angel.

No way, I thought. It’s Jennifer. Jennifer is awake. That’s it.

I climbed out of bed and walked out of my room. I hurriedly went through the hall and saw no one in the family or living room. I went through the kitchen, the entry way and the other rooms. No one was there.

I went back to bed, thinking this over. Had I really just seen what I thought I’d seen? And had it been who I thought it was?

Well, I liked to think so. That was a nice thought.

Eventually, I did go back to sleep. I had a very disturbing dream, though. I dreamed I walked out to the Christmas tree and saw a woman’s face in one of the ornaments. Her face was very transparent, almost like a ghost. She had short light-colored hair. The image faded then I was back in my room. I was in bed trying to sleep but a strange sensation came over me that kept shaking me. Like something was possessing me. When I awoke from that dream, I saw a red bar on my wall.

Now, I must confess, I have been nervous about the Christmas tree suddenly catching on fire the whole time it’s been there. So I was alarmed when I saw that red light on my wall, thinking that was a reflection from a fire down the hallway! I raced out of my room to look around the house but, thankfully, there was no fire. Phew! Then I thought maybe there was a fire at my neighbor’s house. I opened the blinds to look out the window, but no, no fire! I was relieved but really puzzled. I went back to bed, back to sleep.
 

When I awoke again, I decided I’d gotten enough sleep so I got out of bed for good. And, wouldn’t you know, that was the same time Jesse woke up! We wished each other a Merry Christmas then woke Jennifer up. Then we woke their father up. We all trudged out to the living room (well, Jesse RAN out to the living room!), sat down and decided who would play Santa this year. That decision made, we all proceeded to open our gifts.

If I had any ounce of sadness left, it disappeared as I watched my children open their gifts. There was just so much joy and happiness among us all during that time. We were all excited and happy with our gifts. Jesse got a new bike and Jennifer got a bunch of Doctor Who stuff. I got an espresso machine, JCPenney gift card, chocolates, a wolf picture, new purse and the movie Argo. I was bummed that I didn't get any books or a gift card for books, but later I got free ebooks via Smashwords and that made me happy. Thank you, Smashwords!

After the gift thing and thanking people for our gifts, I made breakfast of bacon and cinnamon rolls. Then I took Jesse next door to give his friend a Christmas gift as well as a tin of cookies to our friends. After that, Jennifer left with her dad to hand out cookies she baked for the homeless.

Last night, Jen and her dad baked a cake for our Christmas dessert, and it’s back to the kitchen for me to make our Christmas dinner of ham, potatoes, corn and dinner rolls. We can’t wait to watch the Doctor Who Christmas special tonight, and I’ll be drinking a delicious espresso while I watch it.


Today turned out to be a good one, filled with family, friends and a little bit of Christmas magic. I am also glad my 20-year-old Chihuahua was able to spend just one more Christmas with us.

Merry Christmas!