This THING that happened

This morning, my husband and I had an appointment with the school counselor at my son’s school. During the meeting, we were asked how long we had been married. I was trying to remember the exact length of time it’s been since he and I got back together, and during that time, my husband answered, “Fifteen years.”

I sat there thinking, Wow, has it really been that long? I haven’t lived in Oregon THAT long. Our daughter is fifteen and she was not born here.

But after some thinking more on this later – and checking the calendar – I realized that it’s actually been almost 10 years (it will be 10 years this summer). But did he know that? Or was he doing what some other people I know do, and that is acting like certain things NEVER HAPPENED. Not too long ago, when he and I celebrated our anniversary, the whole mention of the divorce that he and I went through got a whole “we do not speak of this” kinda treatment from some relatives. Like they wanted to pretend the divorce never happened.

Here’s my question: Why? It DID happen. I know it happened. I WAS THERE!

So, yes, the man I am married to now used to be a man I temporarily WAS NOT married to! Once upon a time, he and I were divorced. My daughter may not remember it (she told me later that she blocked it out) and maybe it’s not exactly a favorite topic of discussion with my husband’s family, but, yes, we WERE divorced once!

Why is mentioning it a bad thing? It’s not like mentioning it is gonna make it happen again!

But, maybe mentioning it only brings up bad memories or feelings of disappointment or whatever. Whatever!

But I’m not going to act like it never happened. It DID happen.

I’m just not the kind of person who likes to pretend bad things never happened. Uh, no. Bad things happen in life. THAT’S LIFE! That’s just the way it is. I’m not going to pretend I all of a sudden have amnesia and can’t remember any of them.

Especially this thing. I don’t want to forget this part of my past. I don't want to go back to being the person that I was then or even sometime before then. I want to stay the person THAT experience made me become. Sure, that experience meant struggling to feed my child when it was just her and me living by ourselves in a city where we didn’t know anyone. Those were some very trying, difficult and scary times. I was divorced for seven months, and it was HARD. It was damn hard. But you know what? I am glad I went through it, because it made me stronger. I hated it that I had to work two jobs and even THEN for lousy pay, but I was able to see just how much of myself I could count on to provide for me and my own when we didn’t have anyone else there for us. I was able to see that I WILL step up and do what I need to do to make sure my kid is fed and has what she needs.

I learned some really good lessons during that time of my life. I got to see who was there for us (and I mean you, Jimmy and Melissa!), and just how hard it is to be a single parent struggling to pay for everything, do everything and be everything for a child. I knew what it was like to deal with a child being hungry and only having a box of crackers in the cabinet and I knew what it was like to be afraid, DEAF, and the only person to keep myself and my child safe when there was some crazy person trying to break into the house or some bum at the window demanding we let him in. And because I was on food stamps, I know what that is like, too, and just how much a family RELIES on food stamps to feed themselves with. You know, I’m glad for it, because I have “been there, done that.” I have never since looked down at people who receive food stamps or felt they were just freeloaders looking for handouts, because I know the struggle they go through in trying to provide. And I’ve been more sympathetic to families on the street begging for money or food.

Oh, and, of course, I had SO MUCH FUN learning how to ride a city bus! (Or not, should I say. Ugh!)

So, you know, that is a part of my past that I kinda want to hold onto. I know it was a bad thing to happen and I know that some people got hurt, but that doesn’t mean that I want to erase it from my past. I don’t want to pretend that it never happened. And I certainly will not “erase from existence” the people who came into my life during that particular chapter (shout out to Jimmy, the Grynch guys, Heather, Kathleen, Nicole, Kim and all the folks at the Willamette Christian Center for helping us!). I can’t believe it has been almost 11 years since I walked into that courthouse that one summer and filed those papers. And it’s been nearly 10 years since that decision was overturned. I don’t regret going back to my husband, because my daughter is happier that her dad is in her life, I have a son now who is almost 10 because of it, and my husband now treats me A LOT better than before. Sure, it was hard at first, but we made it. You know? I think on some level, he realized that he shouldn’t take the marriage for granted.

Me? I don’t take ANYTHING or ANYONE for granted. I appreciate every single thing that has happened in my life – both the good things AND the bad things. I learned so many lessons from all the bad things that there’s no way I would ever pretend they never happened. They all taught me some VERY important lessons in life. And, they have made me stronger.

I still see some places from that part of the past – that little house that Jen and I lived in on West 11th when it was just me and her (and the Grynch guys living next door! And where that lady who often appeared on our lawn with her lawnmower just blissfully mowing away!); the house of the guy, Mark, who lived across the street who we often chatted with; the laundromat Jen and I walked to to wash our clothes; the church we went to; the White Bird clinic to get medical assistance; the bus station; the courthouse. And when I see those places, I remember those particular times from that part of my past.

Some of the people from my past are still in my life (like Jimmy and Tobby), and some of them are not. Some of them walked away, and some of them just disappeared.

I remember ALL of them. Every. Single. One.

I won’t erase them from my past, either. I am not going to pretend I never knew them or they never existed. They did exist, and some of them still exist in my life right now. They are all a part of that chapter in my past. Maybe some of them are still left there, in my past, but they’re not gone completely. They’re in my memories. They’re in my story. And this story is not going to get a rewrite.

Special guest blog post by Sue Chehrenegar

Residents of Nebraska Join the Battle against Breast Cancer

After Tracey Bartlett DuPont failed to win her fight against breast cancer, her husband decided to set up a foundation in her name. He called it the Tracey Bartlett DuPont Foundation. To go online and read about this new breast cancer organization, the Internet viewer should enter this URL:
Tracy Bartlett DuPont Foundation
(http://www.programmerpro.info/Tracy/).

“Tracy’s Angels,” those who have assisted with the establishment of this organization, have chosen to direct their efforts towards progress in three separate areas. They have decided to allocate a part of their Foundation money to the establishment of nursing scholarships. A second portion of the Foundation money will help to fund a new state of the art hospital.

Once a sufficient amount of the Foundation money has supported the creation of nursing scholarships and the building of a new hospital, the remaining money will cover the costs of selected breast cancer research and development programs. At the same time, the Foundation website will continue to post information on the diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer.

Because Tracy’s husband is a programmer, he has organized his website with an eye to the needs of the breast cancer patient and the breast cancer survivor. In fact, his website focuses on delivery of information to those two groups of women. So, do not think that you need to be a programming pro, in order to benefit from visiting this Foundation website.


Sue Chehrenegar became a freelance writer about six years ago, after devoting 30 years to the pursuit of a career in biomedical research. Sue has been writing online content about health related issues since 2004. Sue has also done some grant writing, as well as composing articles for a couple children's magazines.

RIP, John Hughes

I could watch these movies all day, any day:

Home Alone
Planes, Trains & Automobiles
Sixteen Candles
The Breakfast Club
Mr. Mom
She's Having a Baby
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Uncle Buck

I could watch them. And watch them. And rewatch them.

I also enjoy watching some of the movies he produced:

101 Dalmations
The Great Outdoors
Home Alone 2

My thanks and respect to the man who brought us these movies: John Hughes. RIP. His genius and comedic acumen will be missed.

Can we handle the truth?

Yesterday, I saw the movie Iron Man. GOOD MOVIE! I loved it. The ending of this movie really threw me off guard, though. I'm not going to give it away, but I walked away from it thinking, 'Aren't superheroes supposed to keep their identity a secret?' I thought that was the whole part of being a superhero. No one REALLY knows the true identity of the man or woman behind the mask. Save one or two people (but it's usually one). Clark Kent kept his superhero alter ego a secret. So did David Banner and Bruce Wayne. The world at large didn't know who they REALLY were. Except for a couple of people who they felt they could trust.

I can understand wanting at least one person to know the superhero's real identity. Amid all the chaos and craziness, they NEED someone to know the truth. To know who they really are. They need that person to turn to, to lean on, to share things with. But anything more than just one or two people...well, that's really blowing the whole "secret shoulder to lean on" thing out of the picture.

Then I consider this: Maybe it's more a matter of being honest, being truthful. Maybe it's honesty that would compel someone, even a superhero, to reveal who they truly are.

When it was discovered that our president made some false allegations to get the war in Iraq started, it made a whole lot of people furious. Outraged protestors took to the street and it wasn't long before we started seeing bumper stickers reading "Bush lied" and angry diatribes in the newspapers speaking out against him. But this started a whole 'nother revolution. We didn't want to be lied to anymore. We didn't trust everything we were told so easily anymore. People started outing politicians who had lied, too. (Gee, a lying politician. How novel!) They started to reveal politicians who had been caught fibbing to the public. Then broadcasters started being called on their lies. Movie stars, journalists, musicians, writers, law enforcement officials and just about anyone else in the public spotlight with a sounding board -- ALL of them started to be called on their little mistruths.

People just weren't comfortable living in denial anymore. People didn't want little white lies, false assumptions or even fantasies just because the truth was too much for them to deal with. THEY WANTED THE TRUTH! The people have spoken. Their message is clear: GIVE US THE TRUTH!

And, apparently, we CAN handle the truth. You know why? Because the truth is better. Telling the truth, coming clean, stepping up and being honest is what we want and how we want it. We don't want to live in bubbles anymore. We want the facts. We want the truth.

And there's a lot to be said about people who embrace telling the truth. Who embrace being honest and have the courage of admitting to something.

I recently read an article in People magazine, in which new dad, Clay Aiken, admitted he is gay. He said he is telling the whole world the truth about his sexual orientation because he doesn't want his son to grow up "living a lie." But you know what? I think he did this more than just to protect his son's moral standing. I think he did this because, as a father, he realizes he is a role model now. How he lives his life is an example to his child on how his child should live life. Being honest with people is just one character he wants to instill in his child. I was shocked that he did this. You know, he has a lot to lose just because some IGNORANT people have a problem with someone who is gay. (My opinion, though, is that his personal life is REALLY none of anybody's business.) But at the same time, I had respect for him for doing this. Now I don't know this man and I have NEVER met him. I DON'T KNOW HIM! Don't send me any mail to give to him, or anything! But I respected the courage he had in doing this, in coming forward to be so honest about something so private.

And that kind of respect is deserving of someone who does step forward to tell the truth, no matter what is on the line. No matter what that person stands to lose. It is better to be honest and trustworthy, no matter how things have been done in the past. Because from now on, things are going to be done differently. That includes refusing to live a lie, refusing to indulge in fantasy, and stepping up to tell the truth.

Fixing people

When I was doing research for my novel, I read that many women in abusive relationships think that they can "fix" their abusive partner. Like something is wrong with him/her, so they take it upon themselves to try to "change" that person or "fix" that person. Then everybody will live happily ever after. The end.

"Fixing" someone is just one VERY common (and unfortunate) misconception many people have. You hear so many women complaining about how men have that whole "fix it" attitude with their problems, when they just want to talk about their problems. But that whole "fix it" attitude can often be taken to the extreme. Sometimes people get all "martyr-like" and make it their mission to change others. If they're unhappy with their friends, family members, partners, spouses, kids, etc., they try to change them. Fix them. Make them into a whole nother person.

But that kind of thing just can't happen. Believe me, I know! During my first marriage to hubby, I thought the same thing. "Maybe I can change him." It's true he was in the wrong to put me through that emotional abuse, but I was in the wrong to think that I could make him better. I was in the wrong to think that it was MY job to "fix" him. It wasn't. Because I have learned that people need to fix themselves. It's good that there's a friend or spouse there as a means of support and encouragement, but that friend or spouse cannot change a person.

That person has to change themselves.

How sad that, so many times, so many people still think that it is up to them to change someone. It's not. You can't really "change" someone. You can't "fix" them, either. Depending on the situation, you can either just be their friend, or, if it's a situation in which your life is endangered, your sanity is endangered, your kids are endangered, etc., you can do something that is just as effective as trying to change that person: walk away.