"Jesse is missing"

If there is one thing I hope to never experience again as a parent, it is to have my child missing. For some time tonight, that is what I went through. Of course there were many times in the past when I couldn’t find either of my kids, but they always were found at some point and it was not long that they were gone. This time, it was different.

Earlier this evening, Jesse asked if he could go play at a friend’s house. This friend lives down the street. I said that he could and he took off on his bike for her house. Then he came back a little bit later saying that nobody was home. Since he had had an unpleasant experience while playing with another neighborhood kid, who was currently playing with our neighbor’s son, I told him he was not allowed to go play with them this time. He had not behaved very well and we were still trying to resolve what had happened. So I told him to just ride his bike outside. I had gone over the rules with him – no bothering the neighbors, no riding his bike on a stranger’s driveway, watch out for cars, stay on the street, STAY WHERE I CAN SEE HIM and no going up to peoples’ houses and knocking on their doors. Once that was clear, I told him he was free to go ride his bike. I kept tabs on him while he was out there and at one point we chatted briefly about school stuff. He was upset about some school news I had just received on my phone and I suggested to him that he think about a solution while he was riding his bike. I watched him ride off then ran into the house to grab the hamper, hoping I could throw in a load of laundry before it got to be too late. My plan was to go into the garage, where the washer and dryer are, and open the garage door to check on Jesse and also to watch him while I was taking care of laundry.

But when I was back in the kitchen with the hamper, I looked out the window and saw two neighborhood kids on my front lawn. They were the kids who had been playing outside at my neighbor’s house.

I went outside to ask them what was up and they asked about Jesse and I explained why he was not able to play with them right now. I also said, “He’s out riding his bike around.” As they trudged off, I looked up to see down the street. I didn’t see Jesse. So I looked the other way. And Jesse wasn’t there, either.

Apparently, he WASN’T “out riding his bike around" in this neighborhood! But just to be sure, I ran to the corner and checked up and down the cross street. No sign of him.

Hm, I didn’t like this.

I ran back to my house and grabbed my phone. I already had my keys in my pocket. I locked my front door on my way out and walked down the street to the little girl’s house, just in case Jesse had gone back there to see if anybody was home, and for me to see if he was there if anybody WAS home, but he wasn’t there. His bike wasn’t there. No one was there. I turned around and walked all the way to the park down the other street, asking the neighborhood boy if he had seen Jesse. He shook his head. When I got to the park, I looked around – for Jesse, for his bike, even his coat. Just, anything of his. Nothing. He wasn’t there, either.

Now I was starting to worry.

I kept looking up and down streets as I walked back home then I went into the house and looked everywhere for Jesse, calling out his name. I know I had left the door locked, but Jen was there and she might’ve let him in. Or, he might’ve already been there before I left and I hadn’t noticed. But he wasn’t in the house! Shit!

Now I was REALLY worried!

I went back outside, grabbing my jacket on the way, and started checking the cross streets. A girl we know was outside spray-painting her Halloween costume and I asked her if she’d seen Jesse. She said she did, down the street the OTHER way. I confirmed with her the direction then thanked her and headed off. But I didn’t find Jesse that way, either.

I did some more looking around before I decided it was time to look for him by car. I went back in the house, telling Jen that Jesse was missing and that we’d have to leave to go looking for him. “Let’s go!” she said. She grabbed her phone and we left. As we were leaving, I saw our neighbors outside, looking around.

We drove around the neighborhood looking for Jesse. We couldn’t find him anywhere. Jen texted her dad and told him what was going on. She also texted her BFF about the situation and they said they were on their way to help.

The more we drove around with no sign of Jesse, the more worried I started to get. I started crying and praying he would be found. I started to mentally apologize to Jesse for every single bad thing that had happened in his life, every rough moment we had been through, all the times I had to tell him bad news and all the times I had punished him for one thing or another. I started feeling guilty for that, too. I started feeling horrible that he might miss the party with his friends tomorrow. That he might not be with us for Thanksgiving dinner. That he might not be able to open the Christmas presents he’d have waiting for him under the Christmas tree in December. It was just making me feel miserable. I was so scared that he might be hurt or afraid or…worse. That he was all alone or that he was terrified of some stranger who had snatched him. I started muttering “I can’t lose him” as I drove and I just hoped to God that he was okay.

We never found him on our drive. When we got back to the house, there were a bunch of people near the driveway. Jennifer stuck out of the window and asked if anyone had seen Jesse and they all said no.

By this time, over an hour had passed since I’d last seen him.

Jennifer looked at me and said we needed to call the police. I told her to go ahead and do that and she was on the phone with the Eugene Police Department as I parked the van. I got out and talked to the newcomers. They were neighbors who had joined the search for Jesse. One person suggested that Jesse might have gone to a nearby bike path where there is a bridge and that is currently under construction so we decided to check there. Some others held back to keep searching other areas. Jen went with me on the way to the bike path, still on the phone with the police. I noticed the father of the little girl living down the street climb out of his car in front of his house and I asked him if he’d seen Jesse. He had not. He also said he’d just got home. I explained that Jesse had been there earlier hoping to play with his daughter and he said nobody had been there. He also said he’d let me know if he saw Jesse. At this point, Jennifer wanted to go back to the house for something and I gave her the keys.

At the bike path, we didn’t find Jesse there either. I talked with the two women who had been there looking for him and went over the details of what Jesse looked like and what he was wearing. I checked down another street on my way back and asked a neighborhood girl if she’d seen him and she said no. She started looking for him, too. When I got out to my street, I looked up to see a police car at my house. It was parked near the corner with headlights on. (My house is on a corner.) I ran up to it thinking I should talk to the police officer but as I got closer, I saw someone sitting on his bike. It was JESSE!! I ran faster and as I got nearer to him, one of the neighbors, who had been there with Jesse, turned to smile at me and say there he is. There’s Jesse. I hugged Jesse, thanking God that I was able to hug my little boy again, and then turned to see the police officer standing there. I talked with him and thanked him for helping us. The situation was explained to him and then he talked to Jesse. This was when Jennifer came back out to us and she was relieved to see Jesse.

The police officer spoke briefly with Jesse. He told Jesse that he should tell his parents or his big sister where he is going before he goes there. Otherwise, people would get scared and start looking for him. (That’s what Jen later told me he said.) Then he said to me that he was glad that Jesse had been found. When I was done talking to him, I turned and all I could do was hug my little boy again. I just hugged him so tight and then I started crying. I don’t know why I cried – HE WAS HOME SAFE! But I couldn’t help it. I guess because I had been so scared or because I was just so thankful he was home.

Then I asked Jesse where he had been. He had been at a neighbor’s house the whole time – INSIDE the house! We didn’t know these people and Jesse does not usually go there. I reminded him he’s not allowed to go into the houses of people we don’t know. I could tell my kids safety rules a million bazillion times and they’d STILL do something that was against the rules! That’s why I usually go over the rules before he takes off on his bike. But I guess he forgot this one.

My daughter’s BFF and her dad arrived and we stood together hugging and talking. (They are like family to us.) The dad talked with Jesse a bit. They were glad that he was safely back home, too.

I am so glad that my son was safe and that he’s back home. I am so very grateful he is back with us and unharmed! I definitely gave him extra hugs tonight and kept telling him that I loved him. I don’t know what I would do if I lost him. I am so glad that we didn’t lose him and that he is okay.

I am also grateful to our friends and neighbors and the Eugene Police Department for their help! A missing child is a very scary experience to go through. I know there are many cases where a child is not found and my heart goes out to the parents who never end up having their child safely at home again. I am glad that this time, mine was back at home where he belonged.

Never be nice to a stranger

This morning, I was alarmed to read that an 8-year-old girl was kidnapped and sexually assaulted by a man who succeeded in luring her to his truck. A nearby adult who saw this shouted out to them and the man grabbed the girl and sped off with her. Thankfully, she was rescued by someone who recognized the abductor's vehicle from an Amber Alert, but not before a horrible thing had been done to her. Sexual assault can mean many things -- exhibitionism, fondling, sexual harassment and exposing a child to pornography, among them -- but the fact remains that this man put this child into a situation that was considered to be "sexual assault" and whatever it is that happened to her is something she will have to live with. It's so horrible the perverse things that monsters do to children in this world.

I keep thinking about how he managed to lure this child to his truck. I've gone over the "stranger danger" conversation with Jennifer many times. I have explained to her some of the tricks strangers use to lure children away from a safe area. One of them, such as asking a child to help them look for a dog, is one that actually happened (and which I saw for myself) but thankfully Jennifer was smart enough to tell him no. But even after that, I still had this conversation with her again later on.

Even so, she has sometimes forgotten safety rules and did things she was not allowed to do. One thing, for example, was reaching into a truck to pet a man's dog. The man was sitting there without a shirt on, for crying out loud! He could've grabbed her arm and pulled her inside. (She is lightweight so it could happen.) Afterwards, I lectured her AGAIN about tricks strangers use to get to kids but I don't think I'll ever need to ease up on that. As it is, I give her the "don't talk to strangers" warning every single time she goes out to ride her bike. I have also told her if a stranger tries to get to her, scream and run away. I told her if she screamed, it would attract attention.

But another warning about strangers I have given her is that she should never, EVER be nice to a stranger. Of course she knows she must be polite and respectful around grown-ups, but I have told her that when it comes to a stranger, don't be polite or respectful.

In fact, be rude.

Don't talk to strangers. Don't sit next to a stranger who asks her to sit with them. Don't help a stranger.

I know that this makes it seem like I am telling Jennifer to be selfish or disrespectful, but actually I'm trying to teach her yet another way to stay safe. We live in a world much, much too dangerous for children to be nice to everybody. Being nice to strangers, helping them find or move something and showing them where something is (such as her home) are all ways she could get kidnapped.

I remember a story my grandmother told me long ago. Once, as a young woman, when her husband was away for the night, she was awakened by a phone call by a man who asked her how to get into her house. "You don't," she answered, then hung up the phone and unplugged it. That story reminds me of how we DO need to be rude to strangers. I mean, why be nice to somebody who is planning to hurt us or do something terrible to us? I am the same way myself. I have taken many walks alone and men who try to talk to me are ignored or I just steer clear of them. I don't trust people I don't know well enough to trust -- and that right there is another important safety lesson a child should be taught.

Ladies, be safe and be smart

Today, I read an article in yesterday's newspaper that raised some concern. Yes, I read yesterday's newspaper today. Yesterday was uber busy and I had no time to read the paper. But, I digress.

In the news story, a woman in Eugene was threatened by a man with a knife after she'd gotten into her car. As I read this story, I noticed several safety mistakes that were made.

Number one, she was in a possibly vacant parking lot at 2:00 in the morning. Two, she noticed a suspicious man following her on her way to her car. Three, she went to her car anyway and got inside. Four, she didn't lock her door. The man opened it after she got in and threatened her with a knife, telling her to move over into the passenger's seat.

But the biggest red flag? She was alone.

We talk so much about staying safe, but I realize there are some women out there who think they will be fine. Or, that they are tough enough to handle a situation such as this, just because they have taken self-defense classes. Then there are some who think, "It won't happen to me."

We would all like to tell ourselves that something like THIS won't happen to us. Nobody will ever threaten us with a knife. We'll never be in danger. The world is filled with innocent, caring people.

WRONG!

Ladies, we MUST protect ourselves. It's like I tell my daughter, it's better to be safe than sorry.

And even if we look weak or like cowards for being safe, then that doesn't matter. At least we will be alive!

Fortunately, the woman did get away from this man. She ran back into the store and called 911. He was later found walking along a street and arrested. (Hm, he didn't steal her car. I don't think that was what he was after.)

Now I must point out certain items from that news story that are big safety mistakes:

Going out at night alone. I know that some of us can't avoid being out at night, even at such an hour as 2 a.m. But, for God's sake, if you are a woman who is out and about at night, don't be out and about by yourself! If you can't have someone with you, stay in a public place where there is ample lighting. In the woman's case, she should have asked a store employee to walk out to her car with her. Also, if you DO have to be alone, have your cell phone with you and pepper spray. Bonus points if you have a black belt in karate.

Not thinking twice about anyone suspicious. We get bad vibes from people for a reason. That's our way of picking up on the signal that something's not right. If you don't feel safe around someone or notice someone acting suspiciously around you, DO NOT put yourself in danger. In the woman's case, she should have turned around and walked, or ran, back into the store, not gone to her car where he could get to her without any witnesses.

Not locking the car door. Out of habit, I always lock my car doors after I get in the car. This guy just opened the woman's car door and threatened her. Maybe she didn't have time to lock her door after getting in, maybe not. The story didn't have that information. But, yes, definitely lock your car doors.

On a side note, I have also read that you should keep the key ring around your finger. That way, if you have to punch someone, it'll have an added sting.

I am glad the woman got away from this man and called 911 in the store. That was the smart thing to do. But if she had exercised some other smart safety measures, then she might have avoided such a confrontation altogether.

Always be safe, never be sorry. Even if it means swallowing your pride and not acting so tough or "macho," it's important to exercise safety precautions. It's not worth it to look like you can defend yourself just fine if it means you might lose your life.

"It was an accident."

If there's one thing parents are going to hear a lot from their kids, it's the line, "It was an accident." Sometimes, their defense is warranted. Sometimes, accidents DO happen. But I feel there is a fine line between what an accident REALLY is, and that children should be able to tell the difference. If it's an accident, you say you are sorry. You try to clean up the mess. You DO something instead of just walk off! Otherwise, when they say it was an accident, then it's either a lie or just an excuse to get out of trouble.

Take, for example, the following incident.

This morning at my daughter's school, as I followed her and a group of children through the hall to their classrooms, I noticed that one boy in my daughter's class was acting moody. My daughter tried to talk to him but he just waved her off. So as we walked through the hallway, I saw one boy in the group the other boy was in come falling to the side and fall to the ground. On his way down, he hit his head on the metal leg of a nearby table.

And Mr. Moody just kept walking.

I suspected the moody child was the one who pushed the boy, but I had not actually seen it. All I saw was the other little boy come falling to the ground. I saw him fall. I saw him hit his head on that metal table leg. And I saw him crumpled up on the floor, clutching his head and crying. I was too stunned to move. I kept seeing him fall again and again in my mind. I was so upset by the whole thing. It's terrifying when kids hit their heads on something. Head injuries can be very serious in children. I was too shocked to move, only explain to concerned parents what had happened.

Jennifer was also stunned. She, too, had seen it. She looked at me, not knowing what to do. I told her, "Go get your teacher."

One parent tried to comfort the boy as he cried. Then another teacher came over to where we were and started to help him. I think she asked him what happened because he was pointing and talking. The whole left side of his head was red and it just scared me even more. I was standing there thinking, "God, please, I hope he doesn't go deaf." (Well, he probably won't, of course. But that's what ran through my mind. Other head injuries could result from that kind of thing.)

The teacher helped the little boy up and led him to the office. I went into Jennifer's class and asked her what had happened. "Did someone push him?" I asked.

She nodded. "XXXXXXXXXX did it, but he said it was an accident."

"How can you accidentally push someone!" I incredulously cried.

I didn't like this. I didn't like it one bit! If it HAD been an accident, he would have helped that little boy up. He would've apologized. NOT WALK AWAY!!

I was so upset. I went over to the office to ask if the little boy was okay. I was told they were looking at his head and indicated where exactly he had gotten hurt. The lady I spoke with said, "He's fine."

I had to wonder over that. How could a child fall and hit his head on a metal table leg and be "fine"?? Maybe he was really hurt. That's what I worry about. What if something happens later on? What if he just falls into unconsciousness while standing in the lunch line? Or starts having a ringing in his left ear?? FINE!!??

I told her that it scared me. You don't know what could happen when it comes to kids and hitting their head. I know kids tend to bump their head all the time, but that was a pretty nasty bump this time.

I had to calm myself down. I was shocked, sad and angry all rolled up into one. I really had to fight back tears after I left the school. I wanted to rant about it on a MySpace bulletin. I wanted to call my sister and talk to her about it. I wanted to send an email to the teacher and ask her if she could please calmly discuss this matter with the child herself. I know I have no authority to step in on this. I have no place telling the child I feel that he should REALLY have said he was sorry. I don't know if doing one or ANY of those things would have helped me to feel better.

The blogging helps, though. At least I can get my thoughts about this off my chest and not keep them all bottled up.

UPDATE: Some time after I made this blog post, I had to drop something off at my daughter's school. While I was there, I talked with the teacher about this and expressed my concerns. She said that after I left, she talked to the students involved. The little boy is okay and thank God for that! The one who did the pushing apologized for it and everything is A-OK once again. Boys will just be boys sometimes. (I'm going to have to remember that now that I have a boy myself!) I guess I overreacted to the whole thing but it was an alarming thing to see. I love children and don't want to see them getting hurt like that. The school IS a good school and I adore the staff. This blog post in no way is meant to reflect anything otherwise.

Things that go bang in the night

Lately, I've been dealing with insomnia. After I'd finish the writing for the evening and be able to go to bed, I would not be able to sleep. Chalk it up to stress, I suppose. But last night was different. Last night, I was up late working on my proposal. I'd been working on it all week, in addition to brainstorming for a new subtitle, and I was finally getting it all wrapped up. When that was finished, I FINALLY went to bed, very sleepy and relieved I could finally get some sleep.

That's what I thought until I suddenly felt a big "BANG!" against the wall behind my bed. It was so strong, it shook the whole bed!

I jumped out of bed, suddenly alert and looking around. I kept telling myself that because I didn't feel that with my hand against the wall, I couldn't be too certain it was coming from the carport that was located next to my bedroom. But my body KNEW what it was. Years of complete deafness has attuned my body to be sure of these kinds of vibrations. I KNEW what I had felt. It was definetely, unmistakably a bang coming from the carport. It had definitely been against that part of the wall. There was no doubt.

I was alone with the children because my husband was working. (He works the night shift.) So it was up to me to make sure we were safe. And even though I was frightened, I knew I had to buck up because the children were relying on me to protect them.

I went to my window and, as inconspicuously as possible, peered out through the curtains. I didn't see anyone. I looked everywhere on one side. Nothing. Then I went to another side. Still nothing. I kept looking, just to be sure. For once, I was grateful we live on a busy street. My neighbor is in the process of moving and he had left some furniture and this big living room lamp out on the driveway, next to the carports. I used the light from the headlights reflected on the lamp to determine if there could be anyone over there and I saw the silhouettes of two human shadows.

I bit my lip and grabbed my phone. I texted my husband and told him he needs to check out the carport when he gets home. I knew he was due back in 25 minutes and I'd have to use that time to ensure our safety. I told him I had felt a bang on the wall. While I waited for his response, I checked on the kids. They were fine. Peacefully asleep. But then I noticed a light flashing on a speaker that picks up noises, which is part of the Baby Cryer we use for when the baby is crying for us. It activates a vibrating rod under the mattress. When the light is blinking, that means it's picking up noise. I looked at my infant son, peacefully asleep and not even moving. 'Oh, no,' I thought. What KIND of noise was it detecting?? Was the noise so loud it would wake up and frighten my children?

My husband texted back saying "OK" and I sent the following message: "Hurry. The sound sensor's going off and the baby's asleep." (Well, he wasn't asleep for long. Soon enough, he started moving around and fussing in his sleep.) He texted back that I should turn on all the lights. So I walked out of the room to turn on ALL the lights in the house. Well, except for my daughter's bedroom light... That thing is BRIGHT and would wake her up. Still, she has a bright nightlight on in there. I thought it was sufficient. After I turned on the lights, I let my dog out of the crate. He walked around the house before settling back onto his pillow that we keep in the crate. I noted he didn't bark but he did have his ears up as he lied there. I kept an eye on him while I waited for my husband to get home, to see if he started barking. I kept checking on the kids every 5 minutes and took inventory of what I had to fight with if someone broke in. There was nothing in the entrance room except a desk lamp; it would have to do if I needed to use it against an intruder.

Finally, I looked out the peephole on the door and saw my husband park his car in the driveway and go up to the carport. He spent a while in there before going back to his car to move it to his usual parking space. At this point, I didn't see ANYTHING out of the usual. When he came inside, he wanted to know why my neighbor had some of his stuff in our carport and that I needed to tell him he'll have to move it elsewhere after 8 p.m. I didn't ask if he'd noticed anything missing. I mean, how would HE know?? So I made it a point to see if my neighbor noticed anything different the next morning.

I'd always hated the fact that we didn't have a normal garage to close stuff in at that carport. My neighbor's son once stored his bike in there and the bike was later stolen. I've had stuff the old residents left behind in that carport end up being stolen, too. So I guess I'm not surprised that extra stuff in there had attracted some unwanted company. I had warned my neighbor his stuff might get stolen if he put it in there. Now I know that we shouldn't even HAVE that temptation out there. The children's safety is too important for that risk.

UPDATE: I found out who it was. It was my new neighbor's daughter and her friend. I was pretty steamed they were out there making a racket at almost 2 a.m.! GRR! Nevertheless, my decision still stands.