Closing an old wound

There was something I wanted to write about on my blog yesterday but, unfortunately, by the time I had a chance to write it, I no longer had the strength to do so. I was too exhausted after everything from the day and could not put down into words all of the things that I wanted to say.

And what I wanted to say was something in the way of an apology, of sorts. I discovered something yesterday and I felt terrible about it. And even today, that regret lingers. But I will deal with that regret in my own way, because I am pretty much on my own with this sort of thing. Nobody cares about it except me.

But I feel the need to come clean about it on my blog, because I have posted about it here on my blog in the past. I am talking about this blog post: An old wound.

I know, WHY am I bringing up something from almost 12 years ago?? Why even bother? Nobody gives a shit. Seriously: NOBODY CARES. Everybody has moved on with their lives – including me. And I don't dwell on the past.

But, life doesn't care about any of that. For almost 12 years, life was throwing fireballs at me. For almost 12 years, something in my conscience twinged and it would not rest. I was reminded of it constantly.  But, as my kids will confirm, and as my friends will acknowledge, I can be very stubborn. I can be very bull-headed. So, for a long, long time, I ignored those constant pings from my conscience. I was so convinced that I hadn't done what I had been accused of. Oh, sure, I could have checked. I could have looked. But I didn't.

And, you know, I really should have.

Well, I have done that now. Yesterday, in fact. I did go back to the chats I had saved all those years ago and I read over them.

But why did I do it now? Why, after all this time, was I trying to see for myself what had really happened?

Because my conscience finally won its battle with me. Yesterday morning, I had been thinking about something that happened a long time ago, and how I had struggled for years to forgive this person: My brother. I had severed ties with him after leaving California on account of what happened in the past. And while I was civil with him at my dad's funeral, and I hugged him and expressed my condolences because he too lost a father, I still kept my distance.

But yesterday, I was thinking about that. And I all of a sudden felt pity and compassion for him. Nowadays, he is being punished for another thing he did to his family, and I thought, It is time to stop holding this grudge. He is going through enough suffering now. He has lost everything. It is time to forgive him.

So, I did. Just like that. I no longer felt anger towards him. I no longer hated him. I felt love and compassion for him.

And it's like my conscience grasped this moment of vulnerability and reminded me of some other thing I had to come to terms with: This thing that happened in 2005. And at first, I was like, Why do I have to go over this again?

Because life was not going to let me forget about it, that's why! He was still in my dreams, in my friends' Twitter or Facebook feeds, in the faces of others that I saw, in books I read and movies I watched. Reminders about it and him were EVERYWHERE.

THAT was why.

So I decided yesterday to put all this to rest. I decided to open those online chats I saved from long ago and see for myself EXACTLY what was said.

And, eventually, I did see it. It was right there, plain as day: I had indeed told a lie. I had lied about being divorced.

As I sat there staring at the words, I tried to remember the person I had been back then. I am not that person anymore – although I still AM cautious about what I share with people I talk to on the Internet. I still do not trust people so easily. I still understand that there are posers and predators on the Internet and that you have to be careful with what you share with strangers on the Internet.

But life was different for me at that particular time. I had just moved to Oregon with my husband and daughter. Before leaving California – which I HAD NOT wanted to do because it meant leaving my family – my marriage was being held together by a thread. And I had no friends or family in Eugene. No connections, resources, job or anything here. I was very vulnerable and, in fact, set on leaving Eugene altogether. (These days, I do at least have friends here and I don't want to leave. But that's all that has changed for me.) Things were not going well. In fact, I was planning to get a divorce. At that particular time, my husband was trying to fix things with us, but I was done (or so I thought!). I no longer loved him. I no longer wanted to be his wife (and I had told him as much in California). In my mind, I was no longer married. In my mind, I was no longer someone's wife.

And that was why I had said as much in that chat. For all intents and purposes, I was planning on getting a divorce. I was planning on filing for a divorce – which I did, eventually. At that time, I saw nothing wrong with saying as much, though. At that time, THAT was my plan. It just took me a while because I did not know about the law in Oregon about how new residents had to wait at least 6 months to do such a thing. And during that time I had to wait, my husband and I separated. I moved out and just hoped that the man I had fallen in love with over the Internet would suddenly appear.

Well, he did -- that one night at the bus station. He and his brother were both there. Neither of them said anything to me. And I had ran right past him, in a hurry to get to a bus. I was in such a rush and didn't recognize him – although I DID see him.

But later, back at home alone, I had realized what had happened. And after that, I never saw him again. There was no more contact with him at all. I tried sending an email but it was ignored. And I pretty much accepted that it was over. It broke my heart, because I had loved him, but, alas! ‘Twas not to be!

So I had to move on. I had to fix things for my daughter, who was hurting from the divorce. She had her own heartbreak to deal with and my heart just ached for her. SOMEBODY had to think about her, and that someone was me. I had to step up for her (and to this day I will never again hope another person not related to her will ever care about her enough the way I do to make her happy). I had to make things right for her again and, ultimately, for me, that meant reconciling with her dad. I had to forget about my own feelings and I had to ignore what I wanted and put her first.

And I have been doing that ever since – until now, that is.

But, anyway, yes, I did realize that I had told that lie. I am not happy with myself for doing such a thing, though I do know why I did it. I understand why I had done that thing. And I also understand, too, that I can't go back in time to change anything. I can't make everything right again.


I know it was a mistake to do that. To say that. And I also learned later on that I should NOT have allowed myself to fall in love with someone until AFTER I was actually free to do so! But I know that you really can't control what your heart feels for people. I know my lying about being available was the wrong thing to do. I know this. I really, honestly thought it was okay to say that I was no longer married because that WAS the direction I was going in! But I should not have said that. I learned that lesson the hard way and much later on in life. And I really, really wish I hadn't ended up feeling anything for him because that pain of losing him is something I will never forget. It was something I suffered with for years, even when he had moved on to other people and saying things. I wish I can go back and stop myself from falling for him, but I can't. To think it was okay to feel ANYTHING for anyone while I was going through that mess was a really stupid thing to do. I shouldn't have, but I did. And I have since been judged harshly and wrongly for that. And I was forgotten about.

And, as it is, I am not able to apologize to him for the lie, either. He and I are on different paths in life. He is living his life and I am living mine. I have no communication with him. So I cannot apologize to him directly. I tried via Twitter, though I doubt that would do much good. I mean, it's been almost 12 years. He has moved on. I have moved on – and I will move on from all of this, now. I am filing this part of my past under "Shit happens." 

But, you know, ever since then, I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. I no longer trust my feelings to some stranger on the Internet. I will never again allow myself to feel so much love for someone because it only leads to hurt and disappointment. I know the pain and heartbreak of loving someone in that way, and I don't want to go through that again. Or of the loss again.

Not that I ever will, though. These days, I am putting myself first. Seriously, it's time to be a little selfish and pay more attention to my own self for once instead of putting everybody else's needs and wants over my own. That may have been the old Dawn, but the old Dawn is dead. She is not coming back.

I am not posting all this on my blog to get attention. I am not posting this on my blog with a hope of reopening the lines of communication again. No. I don't give a shit about communicating with anyone anymore or divesting my feelings in anyone anymore. I have been through a shitload of crap ever since then and I have hardened myself since then. I don't hope for or expect anything from anyone. At all.

I am posting about this on my blog to come clean. Yes, I lied, and I'm sorry. I do hope he will forgive me and it would be nice to be forgiven but I am not holding out any hope that that will happen. It doesn't matter, though. I had to post this on my blog in order to tell my story and bring closure to this whole mess. Hopefully from now on, I will no longer be reminded about it or him. This will have to be enough to bring all of that to an end. It is all I can do. And I hope that now my conscience is now clean and I will finally be able put all of this permanently to rest from now on.

And by the way: I know how some people may react to this blog post. Despite my conviction that nobody really cares, I know some people may read this and ask questions. Or wonder about the people involved. And I know the one involved will say I am just a delusional fan (which is not true) and that I am just doing this to get attention (also untrue). I know what position I put myself into by posting about this and I know that I may be setting myself up for public ridicule. But I really don't care. I know what happened. This is my story to tell and to share. And as to what people have to say about it? I honestly ... don't give ... a shit.

Giving time to forgive

This is something that I typed today:

“If you did something that hurt someone, and you apologized but they won't forgive you, have cut off communication with you and don't want anything to do with you anymore, would you give them more time to forgive you? Or would you just say "Ok, you won't forgive me now or ever, so we are done"? I am giving this person priority because she is family, but if she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want me in her life anymore, I have to figure out how to respond to that. Because I don't know what else to do. I have really been struggling with this for a while. It bothers me. I know I need to figure this out so that I can focus my energy on more positive things.”

I showed it to two people, seeking advice on what I should do. Both people suggested I give her more time.

To be honest, I was ready to walk away. But that didn’t feel like the right thing to do. A part of me felt that that would be a mistake.

And, you know, I probably wouldn’t have been able to walk away from her, anyway. To write her out of my life as I have with other people. Because I love her and she means a lot to me. Even if she no longer loves me anymore, I still love her. We have a history and I cherish those memories.

And this is why I sought advice on what to do now. Because the truth is, after four months of no answer, I didn’t know what to do now. How to respond to something like this.

I am grateful to the people in my life who have forgiven me for some thing or another. As I have forgiven them for some thing or another. I value my relationship with them too much to NOT forgive and throw away everything that we have been through and shared.

But I understand that not everybody forgives. And I also understand that you really can’t put an expiration date on forgiveness. You can’t say “You must forgive me by April 25, 2016 or else we are finished.” No. Just like with the grieving period, you CANNOT put an expiration date on forgiveness.

I have learned that we must give people time to forgive. We must allow someone the chance to have to have their own time to work through their feelings, do some soul-searching, and figure out the best route for them to take.

I have said before that I am willing to forgive people and give them another chance. This can only go so far, yes, but I see now that I must also allow a person TIME for forgiveness. That is all that they need. Just time.

So I will just go about my business. I’ll keep my distance, as that is what the person wants right now, but if she ever comes back into my life saying she will forgive me and want to communicate again, then I will grant as much. I will allow her back in my life, rather than keeping her out of it. I know now that I must give her some time to forgive and just hope that one day we will fix this rift between us and just talk to each other again. I have extended my peace offering and asked for her forgiveness. The ball is in her court now.

The struggle to forgive

Yesterday was Global Forgiveness Day. The subject of forgiveness is one that I have struggled with for a long time. Being able to forgive others for wrongs done to me, being able to forgive myself for hurting others or making mistakes (sometimes by accident) that hurt or upset others. I have also been thinking about how some people try to use some sort of reason or another to explain why somebody did something to them and so this makes it easier to forgive them.

And for some very interesting reason, I have seen a lot of pins on Pinterest of quotes on forgiveness.

All of these things are issues I have struggled with in coming to terms on whether or not I can forgive certain people in my life – and those who are not in my life anymore.

For one thing, I kept asking myself this: Why was I able to forgive some people but not others? On one hand, I would say to myself, ‘well, that was just a bad person who MEANT to hurt me and that’s why I can’t forgive that person.’ But, you know, most people change, so I can’t think that thought for the rest of my life. The person may be sorry. Or, not. That person could have changed, or not. So that reason really doesn’t hold any merit.

The pain of what happened with those people stayed with me for a long time. And in some cases, I had nightmares. But I recently decided that, you know what? There is no point in dwelling on a wrong a person has done to me. It was done and it’s all over with. I’m on a new chapter in my life. Carrying that burden around will only hurt me, so there’s no point in allowing it to continue to exist. Grudges are uncool. So I had to let it all go. The lies, the manipulations, the betrayals, the physical harm, the hurt and anger. I just had to let it all go. This is the story of my life. Those things happened because, at that particular time, that is how it was supposed to happen. Those people who have hurt me in the past and are not exactly seeking forgiveness for it are not in my life anymore and they won’t ever be in my life anymore because I know for a fact that those particular people have not changed. And I had this belief that I cannot forgive them unless they ask to be forgiven. I have not actually SEEN them make right what was made wrong. There’s no communication or anything. So maybe that’s why I could not forgive them. They’re not exactly asking to be forgiven.

And, really, all they DO need to do is ASK to be forgiven. If someone apologizes to me for a wrong, I’ll forgive it. I’ll wipe the slate clean. You know, it takes a really big person to admit they made a mistake and even more so to say they are sorry. So, you know, I feel totally fine in forgiving them.

And I thought that, having said that, I could move on. But it bothered me that there were people out there holding grudges against me, refusing to forgive me and hating me for the rest of their lives because of mistakes I made, my personal security methods or because of something I meant to do – At That Time. (I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.) So, when I have prayed, I asked God if he would help those people to come to terms with what happened and find it in their hearts to forgive me, to stop hating me.

But then I read this one quote on Pinterest and it really made me think. The quote went like this: “Forgiveness does not make the other person right. It makes you free.”

That quote made me realize that I had to accept that those people may not forgive me and they may not be sorry for what was done. But I had to be okay with this because if I was not going to be okay with this and let it bug me, then I would only continue to carry around the pain they inflicted or this grudge they still have against me. By accepting that they are not sorry or that they won’t forgive me, but I forgive them, then I can break free of all that. I’m not gonna be on good terms with EVERYBODY in the whole world.

Still, I wondered, was there something I could do to encourage them to forgive me? I have said I was sorry and tried to reconnect with them (even when there was no response to my reaching out). I have tried to make things right with those people. Was there something I could DO to fix things? Bring about their forgiveness? I have been reading this book for research. It is called How to Pray Without Being Religious by Janell Moon. (Side note: I am not exactly a religious person anymore, but mainly spiritual.) Today I read something that really affected me. It was this: “She wants to be free of this guilt and be better friends with her sister, but she is pushing the river by wanting her sister to forgive her. That is not her business. … Her sister will forgive her if and when she can.” (Page 130) So I realized that if there was someone out there unable to forgive me for a past wrong (my dad, maybe??), I have to let them decide on their own if they want to forgive me. If they chose to forgive me, that had to happen on its own.

The best way to do that was to step out of their lives for good. Just don’t communicate with them, don’t try to get messages to them through other people and just “disappear” from their lives. Leave them to live this journey their life is on right now. Stay silent. In time, they might remember me. They might be able to forgive me or stop holding this grudge against me. (Whatever it is!) And I have to just let that happen in its own time.

Meanwhile, maybe I could finally start to forgive myself? There have been MANY times I reflected on those instances and think, WHY did I do that?? Or, I was such an IDIOT! Or, I’m a terrible person. (I counter this with, I was a terrible person THEN. But not anymore. I don’t like to talk too much about what life was like for me growing up and why I was the way I was in my 20s and early 30s. But I know better now because my life is better now.) Well, I usually know WHY. I jumped to conclusions. I was afraid. I felt I could not trust people. I was overly cautious. I was mad. I was drunk. I was distracted or tired. I was influenced by others. Etc., etc. The key word is “was.” As in, not that anymore. That was all in the past so there’s no point in dwelling on THAT part of the situation, either. This, ultimately, helped me to forgive myself. It is true it can be so hard to forgive oneself but I knew I could not completely move on unless I did. That’s just the way it was at the time. The way I was at the time. I have to accept that and forgive myself for playing that unfortunate role in that unfortunate experience.

Of course, these do not explain away everything wrong or bad that has happened in my life. They are reasons, yes, but that does not make the bad stuff better. It does not make it easier for me to forgive or seek forgiveness. All it does is help me understand the why. By understanding that, I can make peace with it. I can find closure and move on. I prefer to live in the now, for today. Yesterday is over with and gone. All that matters now is moving forward. Being able to forgive everyone and everything, and accept that forgiveness may not accepted or returned, will make it easier for me to do that.

Choosing to forgive

For some time now, I have been carrying around some unnecessary baggage. There are a couple of people from my past who have hurt me, one person in a VERY big way, and I have spent so much time and energy being angry at them and hating them. Most of all, I have been unable to forgive them. One person did apologize to me at the time things went bad, but at that time, I was too angry to forgive her. I was just so hurt and it was hard to deal with.

And I had carried that baggage with me ever since. And I keep asking myself, why? Why is it so hard for me to forgive these people? I have forgiven my father for wrongs in the past – though he probably doesn’t know it since we don’t talk. (I hope someday to change that.) So why can’t I forgive these two people?

First, the question: Why is it a big deal whether or not I forgive them? I think it is a big deal because carrying that stuff around is like carrying around unnecessary weight – baggage, really. It’s like a weight on my shoulders. “These people did me wrong." “I have these memories haunting me.” “I have this pain in my heart.”

And it got to be too much. All that anger and hatred and AVOIDANCE. It was just too exhausting for me to keep carrying it. It was a real burden.

Every time I was asked if I have forgiven everyone of wrongdoing, I would always answer, “I’m working on it.”

And I know that forgiveness is a big deal because God is willing to forgive ME of my mistakes and my sins. I think I should extend the same courtesy to the people I share this world with. We are all connected, on a spiritual level. I truly believe this. So I think it’s important to be able to forgive. Nobody is perfect. We are ALL human. And humans make mistakes.

So, you know, I think I should try to find it within myself to forgive. To just let it all go. Drop that baggage, wipe the slate clean and start over.

That is what I chose to do today. I no longer want to carry around that baggage, that weight. I no longer want these past grievances to be in my present, or even in my future. I don’t want them around anymore. So the best way to get rid of those painful memories is to make peace with them, make peace with the people involved, and move past them.

I am going to forgive. I am going to forgive and forget – and, by doing so, push away EVERYTHING those two people did to me and just focus on the here and now. I will not be a member of the “hate club” anymore. I am going to be a member of the “forgiveness club.” Whether or not a person involved in something or another will forgive me too is entirely up to them, but I am going to forgive.

So I let those two people know that I am forgiving them. I let them know that I am wiping the slate clean and welcoming their friendship again. I don't know yet where we will go from here, but at least it's a start.

And you know what? I feel a whole lot better after I did that today. I feel that weight off of my shoulders and I feel happier. It’s a great thing to forgive. I think I’ll be doing it more often.

Forgiveness and karma

Lately, I have had forgiveness on my mind. Mainly, forgiving others. I was reading a column about the importance to forgive in the newspaper the other day, and it really got me to thinking. Actually, this is a topic I will occasionally revisit, only because I have had a very hard time forgiving someone that did a Very Bad Thing to me long ago. I thought I had forgiven him, but because it still makes me angry, I guess I haven't.

That column I read really touched a nerve. It stressed that carrying around a grudge was unhealthy, and that even if the person who has wronged us does not ask for forgiveness, then we should still try to forgive them all the same. I know this is true, how carrying around a grudge can be unhealthy. But I just haven't been able to bring myself to forgive that person yet. He has never asked for forgiveness. In fact, he acts like he didn't do anything wrong. And even if I did forgive him, he'd laugh about it, thinking he got away with a crime.

In a way, he did....

The other day, I was thinking more on this. I always keep asking myself, "WHY did he do that to me? Why?" But I know the reason why. I KNOW it. The family he is in loves HIM more than any of the other family members, and he knows he could get away with anything because, in his mother's eyes, he could Do No Wrong. Also, he was the "special" one in the family. He was raised to believe he was superior to others. That is why he did what he did. I understand that. But I still get angry. That should NOT have happened.

But it did happen. I can't change the past. I believe that we can learn from the past and draw strength from it. But that has not happened, with this particular incident.

I also know that, because he is not remorseful, he would just do it again to somebody else. That is another reason why it's so hard for me to forgive him.

But I could write a whole book of reasons why I should not forgive him. The bottom line is, they are only excuses.

I don't need to forgive him for him. I need to forgive him for myself. It does trouble me that I have not.

All the same, this has made me think about other people out there who have had worst things visited upon them by bad people. Parents whose child was murdered. A child who was abandoned by a drug-addicted mother. I know there are people who have had worse. And I wonder, have they managed to forgive the wrongdoer?

I think if they can, then so can I.

And, you know, this isn't about vengeance. I don't want revenge. I just want closure on that part of my past. I want to stop getting angry over it. I want to heal that wound.

And as for vengeance, well, I am reminded of a quote from the Bible: "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." When someone does something wrong to one person, something wrong is done to them. It's the law of karma, which I believe in. You get what you give. I have seen this in action. I have done bad things to people in the past, and I have had bad things happen to me in return. Sometimes, it's the exact same thing I did. (I was reminded of this today, in fact. Someone in my family who stiffed me ended up getting stiffed by another family member. What goes around comes around!) And, in fact, the person who did that to me has had bad things happen to him, too. You know, life has a way of balancing things out. An eye for an eye. So I have no interest in seeking vengeance.

Just...forgiveness. Peace. Closure.

I have prayed on this a lot. I will continue to pray on it. Hopefully someday, I will be able to forgive that wrongdoer. That is the one thing I must do before I can find peace. Forgive.

"When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive."-Alan Paton

Let go and let God

I have known of the saying "Let go and let God" but I never really understood it before. I kept thinking, 'Let God what??'

Yesterday, I found my answer.

We didn't go to church yesterday. I was almost done with a project and I wanted to get it all wrapped up so that I could send it out today. I did finish the project (formatting a manuscript), but my joy was bittersweet.

In fact, I felt more guilt-ridden than I did happy.

Why feel so upset just because I missed church? I've missed church before, when Jennifer was too sick to go or the weather was too bad for me to drive in, so why get upset now? It's not like anybody would notice we weren't there! But I knew why. I was upset because I needed God. I was so ravaged by guilt because, on the day before, I had set a bad example for my daughter. I had just blindly looked the other way when she had done something wrong. Something that she shouldn't have. To be honest, I was feeling too sick to really pay attention to what was going on. My silence was telling her that it was okay to do that bad thing. I should've snapped out of my queasiness, should've stopped being so rushed to get home, and put my foot down about it. She KNEW it was a bad thing, but she didn't say anything about it. If I had corrected the situation, I would be telling her that what she was doing was wrong. But I didn't and I felt terrible about it. I'd made a big mistake as a parent and I was just really beating myself up over it. I'd prayed to God for forgiveness that night, but I still felt bad. I still needed something to help me understand that it was in God's hands now. I shouldn't worry about it anymore.

Later that day, I was trying to read a book but I still felt miserable about what I'd done. So I put down the book and just started praying right there on the couch. I didn't go to some private room. I didn't get on my knees or make the sign of the cross. All I did was put my hands together and pray. My heart was feeling so heavy and burdened and I just had to unburden myself. I had to let it all go. I had to give my pain to God and once again ask His forgiveness.

And after I finished my prayer, I felt better. I really did.

Jennifer had seen me praying and asked me why I just started praying like that. I told her I was upset about something and needed to talk to God about it. She said I could talk to her about it, too, but I told her, "No, Jen. I already prayed to God about it. It's okay. I feel better now. I am going to let God handle it now."

That's when realization struck. "Let God handle it now." Wow. That's it! That's what the saying means! Just let it go and let God handle it. "Let go and let God." That's it!

I'm glad I was able to have that realization. There are so many times things will burden me. Things trouble me or get me upset. But from now on, once I pray about it, once I send it up to God, I'm not going to let those things burden me anymore. God will answer my prayers and He will guide me to the answers that I seek. He has done this for me so many times before. There are so many times I've prayed over things and something would happen -- I'd read the Bible, see a movie, see someone say something -- and my answer will be right there. (This has really happened! I have wondered about things, prayed about them. and later opened the Bible right to a passage telling me an answer.) So, as far as this recent burden is concerned, I know I can't put myself down about it anymore. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. Every parent makes a mistake, too. The important thing is that I realized that mistake, I talked with my daughter about it and I prayed for forgiveness. I just let it go. I let it all go. I let go...and let God.

Lessons in Love

There's something I have been wrestling with lately: The fact that I am not completely in love with my husband. I DO love him, this I know. I mean, I had children with him. I MARRIED him. There is a love there, and it will always be there.

But it's just not the kind of love that I want it to be. I don't love him the way I did before. I would like to. I would really like to have a marriage in which there is 100% love, 100% trust, 100% devotion. But that is not a part of this marriage. Probably because of how the first marriage was destroyed, when that love and trust were destroyed.

But I don't like things like this....being so guarded and "on the alert" in case the past comes up again or in case he hurts me again.

I have been reading this book called "The Purpose-Driven Life." It is an AMAZING book written by Rick Warren. And I recently came across a passage on forgiveness. How we can forgive people right away, as God does, but we can't trust them again right away. We are expected by God to forgive right away, but not expected to trust them again right away. That trust needs to be rebuilt over time.

So maybe over time, I will be able to trust my husband with my whole heart again. Not just half of my heart or most of my heart. All of it. It's not right that I'm on the alert in case my husband, the man I am SUPPOSED to be able to trust, turns around and hurts me again.

Ever since I opened my heart to Jesus and made religion a priority in my life, I have learned so much about love and forgiveness in my faith and worship. God has just taught me so much and I put my complete trust in Him. Hopefully this will help me to come to terms with my ability to trust my husband.

I know marriage is no paradise. I know that a relationship takes work. That it takes time. And I guess time is what we both need to fully heal from our wounds of the past. I've already let go of it. Now I just have to wait and see if I will ever be able to live with the certainty that it won't come back.