Ladies, be safe and be smart

Today, I read an article in yesterday's newspaper that raised some concern. Yes, I read yesterday's newspaper today. Yesterday was uber busy and I had no time to read the paper. But, I digress.

In the news story, a woman in Eugene was threatened by a man with a knife after she'd gotten into her car. As I read this story, I noticed several safety mistakes that were made.

Number one, she was in a possibly vacant parking lot at 2:00 in the morning. Two, she noticed a suspicious man following her on her way to her car. Three, she went to her car anyway and got inside. Four, she didn't lock her door. The man opened it after she got in and threatened her with a knife, telling her to move over into the passenger's seat.

But the biggest red flag? She was alone.

We talk so much about staying safe, but I realize there are some women out there who think they will be fine. Or, that they are tough enough to handle a situation such as this, just because they have taken self-defense classes. Then there are some who think, "It won't happen to me."

We would all like to tell ourselves that something like THIS won't happen to us. Nobody will ever threaten us with a knife. We'll never be in danger. The world is filled with innocent, caring people.

WRONG!

Ladies, we MUST protect ourselves. It's like I tell my daughter, it's better to be safe than sorry.

And even if we look weak or like cowards for being safe, then that doesn't matter. At least we will be alive!

Fortunately, the woman did get away from this man. She ran back into the store and called 911. He was later found walking along a street and arrested. (Hm, he didn't steal her car. I don't think that was what he was after.)

Now I must point out certain items from that news story that are big safety mistakes:

Going out at night alone. I know that some of us can't avoid being out at night, even at such an hour as 2 a.m. But, for God's sake, if you are a woman who is out and about at night, don't be out and about by yourself! If you can't have someone with you, stay in a public place where there is ample lighting. In the woman's case, she should have asked a store employee to walk out to her car with her. Also, if you DO have to be alone, have your cell phone with you and pepper spray. Bonus points if you have a black belt in karate.

Not thinking twice about anyone suspicious. We get bad vibes from people for a reason. That's our way of picking up on the signal that something's not right. If you don't feel safe around someone or notice someone acting suspiciously around you, DO NOT put yourself in danger. In the woman's case, she should have turned around and walked, or ran, back into the store, not gone to her car where he could get to her without any witnesses.

Not locking the car door. Out of habit, I always lock my car doors after I get in the car. This guy just opened the woman's car door and threatened her. Maybe she didn't have time to lock her door after getting in, maybe not. The story didn't have that information. But, yes, definitely lock your car doors.

On a side note, I have also read that you should keep the key ring around your finger. That way, if you have to punch someone, it'll have an added sting.

I am glad the woman got away from this man and called 911 in the store. That was the smart thing to do. But if she had exercised some other smart safety measures, then she might have avoided such a confrontation altogether.

Always be safe, never be sorry. Even if it means swallowing your pride and not acting so tough or "macho," it's important to exercise safety precautions. It's not worth it to look like you can defend yourself just fine if it means you might lose your life.

Guest blog post: Christina Koenig shares information about the Breast Cancer Network of Strength

Breast Cancer Network of Strength

“You have breast cancer” may be among the most frightening words a patient can hear a doctor utter. Yet in the United States more than 194,000 men and women hear them each year. A diagnosis may leave someone feeling alone, afraid and hopeless. But having information and knowing where to turn for support can help patients regain a sense of hope and control.

“Am I going to die?”
“My wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer. What do we do?”
“How can I make decisions about my treatment when I’m so upset?”

These are common questions among the 47,000 calls and e-mails that Breast Cancer Network of Strength’s 24/7 YourShoes™ Breast Cancer Support Center receives each year.

When breast cancer is the diagnosis, patients, families and friends want to know everything possible about the disease and how it will affect their lives. They need emotional support and crave information about treatment options and details about the disease, but they also need deeper knowledge.

For the newly diagnosed, support is crucial and it helps to talk to someone who has been through the same experience, a “peer.” Peer support is the cornerstone of Breast Cancer Network of Strength® (formerly known as Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization®).

Callers feel immediate emotional relief when they talk to someone who has walked in their shoes--one of our peer counselors--because, as breast cancer survivors, they truly understand what someone may be going through. Since this is such a meaningful concept, we named our peer support services YourShoes™.

“Even though my family is a great support system, I needed to talk to someone who had been in my shoes.”

YourShoes includes the 24/7 breast cancer support center staffed by peer counselors who are breast cancer survivors. Calls are handled in more than 150 languages through real-time interpreters.

It also includes e-mail-based support, match programs, and survivor-facilitated support groups. All questions are answered by peer counselors who are rigorously screened, trained and certified to help callers by giving emotional support and information about breast cancer procedures and treatment options.

Here are actual comments from callers:

“I didn’t know who to call, I needed to talk, I was frightened and I needed information. Thank you for being there for me.”

“I was feeling very vulnerable, sad and in shock. It was late at night and I found support through your service.”

“Your counselor was most helpful—compassionate, soft spoke and got me through a difficult night.”

“You are wonderful. You have been there from the first day I was diagnosed ‘til now.”

Peer counselors coach callers on how to communicate effectively with their doctors, and encourage them to be the key players on their health care teams. In addition, callers can be paired with match peer counselors who share similar diagnoses, ages or experiences.

Breast Cancer Network of Strength does not endorse specific treatment options or protocols and peer counselors do not give medical advice. They do, however, replace fear with facts and help patients understand how to weigh their options to make more personalized treatment decisions.

Since breast cancer affects not just the patient but the whole family and circle of friends, anyone touched by breast cancer or who is concerned about breast health can use the Network of Strength’s confidential and free services.

For breast cancer support or information including publications and newsletters, visit Breast Cancer Network of Strength or call 1-800-221-2141 (English, with interpreters available in 150 languages).

Special guest blog post by Carolyn Howard-Johnson

F I R S T P E R S O N

From: Carolyn Howard-Johnson

HOJONEWS@aol.com

Beating Time At Its Own Game

Life Begins With Cancer

The day after my biopsy, my husband and I drove to Las Vegas on a business trip, never thinking about possibilities. We stopped at the state line for a ride on the giant Ferris wheel. We shelled giant prawns for lunch at the Stardust buffet. We slid quarters into a slot machine—the old fashioned kind I like with spinning cherries that will surely triple my money and spill the winnings into a silver trough.

That was not a bad approach at the time. There is no reason to assume the worst, to project abject possibilities that may never come to pass onto the present. Denial is sometimes very useful. On the other hand, it often keeps one from examining one’s own behavior, one’s own motivations. I share this anecdote because it illustrates how thoroughly denial had become entrenched in my life.

I was raised in times that were not easy for women. Most of the barriers I faced were ones that couldn’t be seen nor acknowledged because I didn’t know they were there. They crept up silently on padded feet and, if I sensed them at all, I choose not to turn and face them.

This faculty for denial was intact and very healthy when I was diagnosed with cancer. By 3 p.m. that day, the picture was not so jolly. We had to return home so I could begin autogenous blood donations. The risk of AIDS in the blood supply was still high; my doctor believed that we should have my own blood on hand in case it was needed.

My first reaction was true to pattern. I reassured myself that everything was going to be just fine, that I wasn’t nervous, that cancer was not a terrifying word. Unfortunately, my doctor had not sounded especially positive when he demanded that we set a surgery date in that moment, over the phone.

My husband was also up to the task. “We won’t work today. We’ll just take off, have some fun and drive back tonight.” We were two peas in a pod. We’d both try anything other than just saying, “Gee, I’m scared.”

I almost went along with that plan. Instead, I used the time on the open road to meditate. In that time, I realized—sort of knew at a cellular level —that I had to do more than donate blood to myself and that cancer doesn’t just happen.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe those of us who have it are being punished but I do believe that it follows those of us who haven’t taken care of our own needs. The way we relate to ourselves, more than the way we relate to the world, is a factor in our illness, or for that matter in our health. When I tried to excuse myself out of those thoughts, that was only another indication that I needed to look through the glass in my kaleidoscope one more time—at its fragmentation as well as its beauty—and to make sense of the patterns I saw there.

I began to read. At first I chose books that helped me deal with my fears. My favorite is Love, Medicine and Miracles, by Bernie Siegel, M.D. I also liked some of the practical skills offered by Louise Hayes in her books. I read books on how to deal with grief. Even though most of them explored grief that follows death, the understanding of it and the coming to terms with it are the same whether we are grieving for a lost parent or pet or career or health.

As I began my recovery, I utilized some hatha yoga I had done in my youth and continued with a vitamin regimen (with the permission of my doctor) that I started when I first found little chicken scratches in the skin around my eyes. I used vitamin E oil on my incisions.

“You’re healing so quickly,” my doctor said. “What are you doing?”

“Yoga and snake oil.”

He just shook his head.

The next step was healing my life. At first my family wasn’t crazy about the changes in me. Families are a bit like mobiles—little works of art that are delicately balanced. I read When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D., Mother Daughter Revolution by Elizabeth DeBold, Marie Wilson and Idelisse Malavé, and The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D.

Therapy was also a good support system for me during the changes I was making in my life.

With another book, Deepak Chopra’s Ageless Body, Timeless Mind, I was ready for my epiphany. Actually I wasn’t all that taken with the entire book for it seemed he wasn’t saying much I hadn’t already learned, but I did keep reading to the part where he said that those who live until they are fifty in these times may very likely see their hundredth year. Honestly, it was like a sunrise, all pink and aqua, in my brain. To think that I might have another entire lifetime before me—plenty of time to do whatever I wanted, in spite of the fact that I had thrown a very important part of that away by ignoring my call to write, in spite of the fact that I had experienced cancer. I suddenly knew right down to my toes that women in their 50s—and that was me—might have even more time for their second life because they won’t have to spend the first twenty years preparing for adulthood.

That is where the real story of my recovery begins. I sat down and began to write the “Great Utah Novel" I had always wanted to write. Much of what I wrote about is my own story. If my novel were a tapestry, the warp would be real but the woof would be the stuff of imagination—real fiction. For me it was more therapy, but this time in my own ink, not someone else’s. I also know that novel and what I have written since is just the beginning. I know that. In my heart, in my head, in my bones.

I believe that cancer was a lesson. It taught me to live in the moment. It also taught me to be aware of those moments, not to resist them but to nurture what was in each one so I could learn from them, to do that without participating in the patterns of denial I had learned as a child. This process allows me to ignore what I choose to ignore and embrace what I choose to have in my life.

Cancer was the first step of a staircase. It led me to new levels of understanding about nutrition, career, spirituality. I have even written a poem about a beautiful black crow—the image of death—who sits on my shoulder and reminds me that each day is beautiful, each day is to be lived. For me, cancer was a gift. I intend to keep learning from its presence.

-------

Carolyn Howard-Johnson’s novel, This Is The Place, was published by AmErica House

exactly ten years after she was diagnosed with cancer. The book explores intolerance and is still available used at http://www.amazon.com/This-Place-Carolyn-Howard-Johnson/dp/1588513521/ . She is also the author of award-winninng chapbook of poetry and a book of creative nonfiction short stories (www.budurlcom/CarolynsAmazProfile ). Learn more at www.carolynhoward-johnson.com.

Personal message from Dawn: Happy Birthday, Jennifer! You came into my life eight years ago today and I am grateful for every single day you are there! I love you more than words will every say, sweetheart.

Breast cancer risk factors

Women at high risk include those who:

• Have a known BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation

• Have a first-degree relative (mother, father, brother, sister, or child) with a BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation, and have not had genetic testing themselves

• Have a lifetime risk of breast cancer of approximately 20%-25% or greater, according to risk assessment tools that are based mainly on family history

• Had radiation therapy to the chest when they were between the ages of 10 and 30 years

• Have Li-Fraumeni syndrome, Cowden syndrome, or Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome, or have a firstdegree relative with one of these syndromes

Women at moderately increased risk include those who:

• Have a lifetime risk of breast cancer of 15%-20%, according to risk assessment tools that are based mainly on family history

• Have a personal history of breast cancer, ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), lobular carcinoma in situ (LCIS), atypical ductal hyperplasia (ADH), or atypical lobular hyperplasia (ALH)

• Have extremely dense breasts or unevenly dense breasts when viewed by mammograms. Although the American Cancer Society no longer recommends that all women perform monthly breast selfexams (BSE), women should be informed about the potential benefits and limitations associated with BSE.

Research has shown that self awareness is more effective for detecting breast cancer than structured BSE. Women who detect their own breast cancer usually find it outside of a structured breast self-exam while bathing or getting dressed. A woman who wishes to perform periodic BSE should receive instruction from her health care provider and/or have her technique reviewed periodically.


Source: American Cancer Society

When a reality show becomes my reality

Even though I enjoy watching reality shows like How Clean Is Your House? and Trading Spouses, I know that these reality shows are NOT reality. They are just shows for entertainment. ALL TV shows are meant for entertainment, and not to document actual reality. I am well aware that the people participating in these shows are coached by the producers to say things and act a certain way. (C'mon, people. Reality is not REALLY all that interesting enough for TV!) I still like to watch them, because, with shows like Nanny 911, there is still some takeaway value to be had. There is still some THING about these shows that make me think or get me motivated.

That said, I need to back up a little bit. Last night, while my hubby and I were chatting, he noted how I was not being very communicative and not responding to a text he sent and asked me what was wrong. If I was mad at him and if something was bothering me.

At first, I just shrugged it all off, like I normally do. I said I was just grouchy from the heat (which is true!!) and also busy with housework. But then, I just let it all out. I decided to just speak my mind and tell him what has been nagging at me lately: The fact that he spends all day watching TV or playing computer games while I'm doing the housework. How he promises to help out with the housework before he leaves for work or after he gets home, but he never does. How I felt unappreciated by him because he complains about the housework or how it was never "good enough." And how I felt like the MAID....and I didn't like that feeling.

I told him this is why I hardly do anything on the weekends when he's home all day. I pretty much relegate everything to HIM on weekends, but even then, he does nothing. No dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting. He will bathe the children and put them to bed (he doesn't get to do that M-F because he works at night), but not much else. Then on Monday, when it's my "shift" again, I have a whole crapload of mess to clean up from the weekend.

I also wanted to tell him that I don't even feel like his wife anymore, because of things going on between us, but decided to save THAT argument for another time.

He told me he refuses to do any work in this heat (yet I have to???) and that he is just tired.

Well, despite his excuses, I was glad to get that off my chest. I wanted to tell him that for some time but just never said anything. I AM sick and tired of being the maid in this family. And being taken for granted. That probably adds to my grouchiness these days.

Well, today, I was watching Wife Swap. Hubby decided he wanted to watch TV, too, then whined about why I was watching this show. I gave him "the look" and told him, "I want to watch this show." (I normally only get to watch ONE TV program a day!) Then he just sat there and watched it, too.

And something weird happened. On the show, one of the wives in the swap was named Dawn...and she is in the same boat I am in! (Or was, actually.) Doing all the housework while her husband didn't lift a finger. Granted, her husband worked a full-time job, but he could still at least clear the dinner table or do the dishes after dinner. The thing blocking him from helping?? The tired idea that the housework is "women's work." Even the wife was saying it's the woman's job to do the housework while the man works outside of the home.

My opinion? Bullcrap!

I am TIRED of these couples with these REALLY outdated ideas that a woman's place is in the home. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP and it's not the man doing this or the woman doing that. EVERYONE in the family should help out. EVERYONE participates. It's not "you do this and I do that." EVERYBODY DOES EVERYTHING! If somebody sees trash on the floor, pick it up! If there's a dirty cup on the counter, put it in the sink! Don't wait around for a "woman" to do it.

That's just....my opinion, anyway.

And I was sitting there, stewing over that. I was also stewing over how this poor woman had to work TWO full-time jobs (one as a mom and one as a medical transcriptionist) and STILL be expected to do all of the housework AND survive on 4 hours of sleep each night???

Um....no!

That picture was ALL wrong and I thought the wife was nuts to put ALL of that weight on herself. I think that sometimes, women are just too hard on themselves.

First of all, if she's a full-time mom, she should NOT be expected to also work a full-time job. That is just craziness. Even though she works from home, it's chaotic trying to balance the two. You're either a stay-at-home mom with traditional ideas or a work-at-home mom with MODERN ideas that include a bit of help and childcare! (Oh, but it's a double-edged sword. If you are JUST a stay-at-home mom who does not work at all and relies on the husband to support the family, then society decides to call that wife "lazy" and a "moocher." Gotta love all of those negative stereotypes traditionalists like to pile onto women.)

Anyway, while I was sitting on the couch, stewing over ALL of that, I noticed that huibby was not so disinterested in the show anymore. In fact, he seemed to be paying a bit of attention to how that life mirrored our life (though I do not work a full-time job). It was strange how Dawn said she felt like a maid...and how I said those same words just last night. And how she said she didn't feel appreciated as a wife. And how I said that I didn't feel appreciated, either. (I kinda left out that whole "wife" part.)

Needless to say, during the show, he got up to help me get lunch on the table. I was surprised by this sudden interest in helping me in the kitchen, but glad for it. I can only hope that show left a lasting impression on him. That he will SEE just where I'm coming from, and how I really feel about the way that things are.

And wouldn't you know it, today even my daughter decided to help out around the house, too. She ACTUALLY vacuumed! Hey, maybe these reality shows aren't all that bad after all.