Forgiveness and karma

Lately, I have had forgiveness on my mind. Mainly, forgiving others. I was reading a column about the importance to forgive in the newspaper the other day, and it really got me to thinking. Actually, this is a topic I will occasionally revisit, only because I have had a very hard time forgiving someone that did a Very Bad Thing to me long ago. I thought I had forgiven him, but because it still makes me angry, I guess I haven't.

That column I read really touched a nerve. It stressed that carrying around a grudge was unhealthy, and that even if the person who has wronged us does not ask for forgiveness, then we should still try to forgive them all the same. I know this is true, how carrying around a grudge can be unhealthy. But I just haven't been able to bring myself to forgive that person yet. He has never asked for forgiveness. In fact, he acts like he didn't do anything wrong. And even if I did forgive him, he'd laugh about it, thinking he got away with a crime.

In a way, he did....

The other day, I was thinking more on this. I always keep asking myself, "WHY did he do that to me? Why?" But I know the reason why. I KNOW it. The family he is in loves HIM more than any of the other family members, and he knows he could get away with anything because, in his mother's eyes, he could Do No Wrong. Also, he was the "special" one in the family. He was raised to believe he was superior to others. That is why he did what he did. I understand that. But I still get angry. That should NOT have happened.

But it did happen. I can't change the past. I believe that we can learn from the past and draw strength from it. But that has not happened, with this particular incident.

I also know that, because he is not remorseful, he would just do it again to somebody else. That is another reason why it's so hard for me to forgive him.

But I could write a whole book of reasons why I should not forgive him. The bottom line is, they are only excuses.

I don't need to forgive him for him. I need to forgive him for myself. It does trouble me that I have not.

All the same, this has made me think about other people out there who have had worst things visited upon them by bad people. Parents whose child was murdered. A child who was abandoned by a drug-addicted mother. I know there are people who have had worse. And I wonder, have they managed to forgive the wrongdoer?

I think if they can, then so can I.

And, you know, this isn't about vengeance. I don't want revenge. I just want closure on that part of my past. I want to stop getting angry over it. I want to heal that wound.

And as for vengeance, well, I am reminded of a quote from the Bible: "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." When someone does something wrong to one person, something wrong is done to them. It's the law of karma, which I believe in. You get what you give. I have seen this in action. I have done bad things to people in the past, and I have had bad things happen to me in return. Sometimes, it's the exact same thing I did. (I was reminded of this today, in fact. Someone in my family who stiffed me ended up getting stiffed by another family member. What goes around comes around!) And, in fact, the person who did that to me has had bad things happen to him, too. You know, life has a way of balancing things out. An eye for an eye. So I have no interest in seeking vengeance.

Just...forgiveness. Peace. Closure.

I have prayed on this a lot. I will continue to pray on it. Hopefully someday, I will be able to forgive that wrongdoer. That is the one thing I must do before I can find peace. Forgive.

"When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive."-Alan Paton

The third opinion

Today we went to see an eye specialist for a consultation for Jesse. He has had two eye doctors recommend he have corrective surgery on his eye. I have been very nervous about this and praying very hard that his left eye, which is a lazy eye, will get better. So far, we have tried using an eye patch to get his eye better but it hasn't gotten better. So I pretty much relied on prayer for his eye to get better. And feeding him lots of carrots! I've been praying like crazy for him, but to no avail.

The eye specialist definitely recommends that Jesse have the corrective surgery. I asked if there is any alternative and I had to think on this. I was asking the THIRD doctor who recommended surgery if there's an alternative! I think that, by now, if there WAS an alternative to surgery, they would have mentioned it. The paper they gave to me that had an FAQ about the surgery said they would recommend an alternative treatment if surgery could be avoided. We did try using the patch longer but it did not work.

Noticing my discomfort and answering my husband's questions about the procedure, the specialist assured us that she does 50 operations like this a year. She has never had a patient die or lose their sight or have any other problems because of the surgery and/or anesthesia.

Still, I am stressed out and disappointed. Jesse is only 20 months old. In fact, he is the same age I was when I was in the car accident and knocked into a coma. It's like...history repeating itself. (His birth date is on a 25th day, just like mine. And my birth month is "5" where his is "10." Yep, he's definitely a mama's boy. Woot!) This is hard for me to deal with because he's just a baby. I am trying to be strong, though, and hang in there. I still have my faith. Even though my prayers were not answered, I still have my faith. I know that things happen for a reason. There are only so many prayers that can be answered. And no matter how much we pray for something, it still will go the way it is meant to go. What must be will be. And apparently, Jesse MUST have this corrective surgery done. There is no way around it.

I have to think about how different it is from Jennifer, though. Jennifer also had a lazy eye at birth, and we also used the patch and, later, corrective lenses to help her. They DID help her. They did get her eye better. It's not 100% perfect, but her eye doctor said that her progress ever since is satisfactory. (Granted, she has a different eye doctor now, but I would think he would base his opinion on how her eyes are working at present and not compare this to how they worked before.)

It's just, it was something that could be fixed with Jennifer, but not so with Jesse.

And another thing: When I was filling out the paperwork for the specialist, they asked for the names of ALL doctors who have treated the patient and I had to marvel over the many names of doctors who have seen Jesse ever since he was born. Believe me, there were quite a few! One doctor seeing him for this, another doctor seeing him for that. It was not this way with Jennifer. Jennifer was VERY healthy and, despite a scare during my pregnancy with her, she has been without so many problems. The sickest she ever got was with a flu. She never had measles, an ear infection, croup, or anything.

And with Jesse...well, that's another story!

I look at this experience and I try to draw from it a better understanding of what may lie ahead. Things are so different with Jesse. What else lies down the road? And do I even want to know?

Nevertheless, I will keep praying for him. I will pray that the surgery will go well and that he will have a smooth recovery. I hate the thought of my little baby being poked with needles and having an invasive procedure being done on him. And I can't be with him when they do that!! But I will keep the faith and try to be strong. I guess I should pray for myself, too. To be strong.

One of my sisters has a child who had eye surgery. I am hoping I will be able to talk with her soon and see how it went for her and her child. What to expect and what it was like. Hopefully, she will have some advice or suggestions for me. And I think talking with her might ease some of the stress, too.

Let go and let God

I have known of the saying "Let go and let God" but I never really understood it before. I kept thinking, 'Let God what??'

Yesterday, I found my answer.

We didn't go to church yesterday. I was almost done with a project and I wanted to get it all wrapped up so that I could send it out today. I did finish the project (formatting a manuscript), but my joy was bittersweet.

In fact, I felt more guilt-ridden than I did happy.

Why feel so upset just because I missed church? I've missed church before, when Jennifer was too sick to go or the weather was too bad for me to drive in, so why get upset now? It's not like anybody would notice we weren't there! But I knew why. I was upset because I needed God. I was so ravaged by guilt because, on the day before, I had set a bad example for my daughter. I had just blindly looked the other way when she had done something wrong. Something that she shouldn't have. To be honest, I was feeling too sick to really pay attention to what was going on. My silence was telling her that it was okay to do that bad thing. I should've snapped out of my queasiness, should've stopped being so rushed to get home, and put my foot down about it. She KNEW it was a bad thing, but she didn't say anything about it. If I had corrected the situation, I would be telling her that what she was doing was wrong. But I didn't and I felt terrible about it. I'd made a big mistake as a parent and I was just really beating myself up over it. I'd prayed to God for forgiveness that night, but I still felt bad. I still needed something to help me understand that it was in God's hands now. I shouldn't worry about it anymore.

Later that day, I was trying to read a book but I still felt miserable about what I'd done. So I put down the book and just started praying right there on the couch. I didn't go to some private room. I didn't get on my knees or make the sign of the cross. All I did was put my hands together and pray. My heart was feeling so heavy and burdened and I just had to unburden myself. I had to let it all go. I had to give my pain to God and once again ask His forgiveness.

And after I finished my prayer, I felt better. I really did.

Jennifer had seen me praying and asked me why I just started praying like that. I told her I was upset about something and needed to talk to God about it. She said I could talk to her about it, too, but I told her, "No, Jen. I already prayed to God about it. It's okay. I feel better now. I am going to let God handle it now."

That's when realization struck. "Let God handle it now." Wow. That's it! That's what the saying means! Just let it go and let God handle it. "Let go and let God." That's it!

I'm glad I was able to have that realization. There are so many times things will burden me. Things trouble me or get me upset. But from now on, once I pray about it, once I send it up to God, I'm not going to let those things burden me anymore. God will answer my prayers and He will guide me to the answers that I seek. He has done this for me so many times before. There are so many times I've prayed over things and something would happen -- I'd read the Bible, see a movie, see someone say something -- and my answer will be right there. (This has really happened! I have wondered about things, prayed about them. and later opened the Bible right to a passage telling me an answer.) So, as far as this recent burden is concerned, I know I can't put myself down about it anymore. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. Every parent makes a mistake, too. The important thing is that I realized that mistake, I talked with my daughter about it and I prayed for forgiveness. I just let it go. I let it all go. I let go...and let God.