Closing an old wound

There was something I wanted to write about on my blog yesterday but, unfortunately, by the time I had a chance to write it, I no longer had the strength to do so. I was too exhausted after everything from the day and could not put down into words all of the things that I wanted to say.

And what I wanted to say was something in the way of an apology, of sorts. I discovered something yesterday and I felt terrible about it. And even today, that regret lingers. But I will deal with that regret in my own way, because I am pretty much on my own with this sort of thing. Nobody cares about it except me.

But I feel the need to come clean about it on my blog, because I have posted about it here on my blog in the past. I am talking about this blog post: An old wound.

I know, WHY am I bringing up something from almost 12 years ago?? Why even bother? Nobody gives a shit. Seriously: NOBODY CARES. Everybody has moved on with their lives – including me. And I don't dwell on the past.

But, life doesn't care about any of that. For almost 12 years, life was throwing fireballs at me. For almost 12 years, something in my conscience twinged and it would not rest. I was reminded of it constantly.  But, as my kids will confirm, and as my friends will acknowledge, I can be very stubborn. I can be very bull-headed. So, for a long, long time, I ignored those constant pings from my conscience. I was so convinced that I hadn't done what I had been accused of. Oh, sure, I could have checked. I could have looked. But I didn't.

And, you know, I really should have.

Well, I have done that now. Yesterday, in fact. I did go back to the chats I had saved all those years ago and I read over them.

But why did I do it now? Why, after all this time, was I trying to see for myself what had really happened?

Because my conscience finally won its battle with me. Yesterday morning, I had been thinking about something that happened a long time ago, and how I had struggled for years to forgive this person: My brother. I had severed ties with him after leaving California on account of what happened in the past. And while I was civil with him at my dad's funeral, and I hugged him and expressed my condolences because he too lost a father, I still kept my distance.

But yesterday, I was thinking about that. And I all of a sudden felt pity and compassion for him. Nowadays, he is being punished for another thing he did to his family, and I thought, It is time to stop holding this grudge. He is going through enough suffering now. He has lost everything. It is time to forgive him.

So, I did. Just like that. I no longer felt anger towards him. I no longer hated him. I felt love and compassion for him.

And it's like my conscience grasped this moment of vulnerability and reminded me of some other thing I had to come to terms with: This thing that happened in 2005. And at first, I was like, Why do I have to go over this again?

Because life was not going to let me forget about it, that's why! He was still in my dreams, in my friends' Twitter or Facebook feeds, in the faces of others that I saw, in books I read and movies I watched. Reminders about it and him were EVERYWHERE.

THAT was why.

So I decided yesterday to put all this to rest. I decided to open those online chats I saved from long ago and see for myself EXACTLY what was said.

And, eventually, I did see it. It was right there, plain as day: I had indeed told a lie. I had lied about being divorced.

As I sat there staring at the words, I tried to remember the person I had been back then. I am not that person anymore – although I still AM cautious about what I share with people I talk to on the Internet. I still do not trust people so easily. I still understand that there are posers and predators on the Internet and that you have to be careful with what you share with strangers on the Internet.

But life was different for me at that particular time. I had just moved to Oregon with my husband and daughter. Before leaving California – which I HAD NOT wanted to do because it meant leaving my family – my marriage was being held together by a thread. And I had no friends or family in Eugene. No connections, resources, job or anything here. I was very vulnerable and, in fact, set on leaving Eugene altogether. (These days, I do at least have friends here and I don't want to leave. But that's all that has changed for me.) Things were not going well. In fact, I was planning to get a divorce. At that particular time, my husband was trying to fix things with us, but I was done (or so I thought!). I no longer loved him. I no longer wanted to be his wife (and I had told him as much in California). In my mind, I was no longer married. In my mind, I was no longer someone's wife.

And that was why I had said as much in that chat. For all intents and purposes, I was planning on getting a divorce. I was planning on filing for a divorce – which I did, eventually. At that time, I saw nothing wrong with saying as much, though. At that time, THAT was my plan. It just took me a while because I did not know about the law in Oregon about how new residents had to wait at least 6 months to do such a thing. And during that time I had to wait, my husband and I separated. I moved out and just hoped that the man I had fallen in love with over the Internet would suddenly appear.

Well, he did -- that one night at the bus station. He and his brother were both there. Neither of them said anything to me. And I had ran right past him, in a hurry to get to a bus. I was in such a rush and didn't recognize him – although I DID see him.

But later, back at home alone, I had realized what had happened. And after that, I never saw him again. There was no more contact with him at all. I tried sending an email but it was ignored. And I pretty much accepted that it was over. It broke my heart, because I had loved him, but, alas! ‘Twas not to be!

So I had to move on. I had to fix things for my daughter, who was hurting from the divorce. She had her own heartbreak to deal with and my heart just ached for her. SOMEBODY had to think about her, and that someone was me. I had to step up for her (and to this day I will never again hope another person not related to her will ever care about her enough the way I do to make her happy). I had to make things right for her again and, ultimately, for me, that meant reconciling with her dad. I had to forget about my own feelings and I had to ignore what I wanted and put her first.

And I have been doing that ever since – until now, that is.

But, anyway, yes, I did realize that I had told that lie. I am not happy with myself for doing such a thing, though I do know why I did it. I understand why I had done that thing. And I also understand, too, that I can't go back in time to change anything. I can't make everything right again.


I know it was a mistake to do that. To say that. And I also learned later on that I should NOT have allowed myself to fall in love with someone until AFTER I was actually free to do so! But I know that you really can't control what your heart feels for people. I know my lying about being available was the wrong thing to do. I know this. I really, honestly thought it was okay to say that I was no longer married because that WAS the direction I was going in! But I should not have said that. I learned that lesson the hard way and much later on in life. And I really, really wish I hadn't ended up feeling anything for him because that pain of losing him is something I will never forget. It was something I suffered with for years, even when he had moved on to other people and saying things. I wish I can go back and stop myself from falling for him, but I can't. To think it was okay to feel ANYTHING for anyone while I was going through that mess was a really stupid thing to do. I shouldn't have, but I did. And I have since been judged harshly and wrongly for that. And I was forgotten about.

And, as it is, I am not able to apologize to him for the lie, either. He and I are on different paths in life. He is living his life and I am living mine. I have no communication with him. So I cannot apologize to him directly. I tried via Twitter, though I doubt that would do much good. I mean, it's been almost 12 years. He has moved on. I have moved on – and I will move on from all of this, now. I am filing this part of my past under "Shit happens." 

But, you know, ever since then, I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. I no longer trust my feelings to some stranger on the Internet. I will never again allow myself to feel so much love for someone because it only leads to hurt and disappointment. I know the pain and heartbreak of loving someone in that way, and I don't want to go through that again. Or of the loss again.

Not that I ever will, though. These days, I am putting myself first. Seriously, it's time to be a little selfish and pay more attention to my own self for once instead of putting everybody else's needs and wants over my own. That may have been the old Dawn, but the old Dawn is dead. She is not coming back.

I am not posting all this on my blog to get attention. I am not posting this on my blog with a hope of reopening the lines of communication again. No. I don't give a shit about communicating with anyone anymore or divesting my feelings in anyone anymore. I have been through a shitload of crap ever since then and I have hardened myself since then. I don't hope for or expect anything from anyone. At all.

I am posting about this on my blog to come clean. Yes, I lied, and I'm sorry. I do hope he will forgive me and it would be nice to be forgiven but I am not holding out any hope that that will happen. It doesn't matter, though. I had to post this on my blog in order to tell my story and bring closure to this whole mess. Hopefully from now on, I will no longer be reminded about it or him. This will have to be enough to bring all of that to an end. It is all I can do. And I hope that now my conscience is now clean and I will finally be able put all of this permanently to rest from now on.

And by the way: I know how some people may react to this blog post. Despite my conviction that nobody really cares, I know some people may read this and ask questions. Or wonder about the people involved. And I know the one involved will say I am just a delusional fan (which is not true) and that I am just doing this to get attention (also untrue). I know what position I put myself into by posting about this and I know that I may be setting myself up for public ridicule. But I really don't care. I know what happened. This is my story to tell and to share. And as to what people have to say about it? I honestly ... don't give ... a shit.

Lessons learned in 2013

It may be cliched, but looking back on a year when it comes to an end to see what we’ve accomplished and what we’ve learned is actually a pretty good thing to do. Every time a year comes to an end, I have to ask myself, what did I manage to do this year? How have I made life better? What do I still need to do? How can I grow in the new year? What kind of things did I fail to do this year that I could try to do again in the next?

One question I usually did not ask myself, though, was this: What kind of lessons have I learned this year?

This, above all else, is an important question to ask. And I’ve certainly learned a few lessons this year. They are lessons that are definitely going to have an impact on certain decisions I’ll be making in the new year.

I have learned: It’s important to take care of myself. This year, I certainly DID NOT take care of myself. I have been sad and depressed for quite some time, and I know this sadness comes from certain choices that I regret. But I let that sadness, regret, anger at myself and the depression get to be too bad and I just didn’t take care of myself that well this year. I hated myself and it got to where I wished I was dead. That is how bad it was. So it is a good thing that I had this cancer scare. It made me wake up and realize that I was on a path of self-destruction. I had to be kinder to myself and stop beating myself up over the past. I have to learn to forgive myself and be my own best friend. So I need to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and psychologically. I need to get rid of bad habits and welcome things that will make me a better person. (So far, I have managed to get rid of one bad habit and I feel pretty good about that!)

I have learned: Sometimes we have to be a little bit selfish to get what we want in life. I know I have allowed other people to influence my choices and have too much control over decisions I have made. It’s time to put a stop to that! I can’t let others decide what I should do with my body and my life. Because they are MY body and MY life! I’m the one who has to live it! So I really think it’s time to step back and just be a little bit selfish about certain choices in my life. I need to do that in a really big way. There are some things I KNOW I want in my life, and some people, too. Why keep putting things off? Why keep tolerating being without certain people we WANT in our lives? And those we don’t want? It just doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. And here again we have that cancer scare playing a role. I just realized, you know, why keep putting these things off? Why keep WAITING? Why keep HOPING? Just do it now. All we have is right now, and if it takes being selfish to go after something, then we gotta be selfish. I know certain people may not agree with what I want to do next year and a lot of people won’t like it. But I really think it’s time for me to get back on course for Dawn’s Life, and not other people’s life. People are gonna say what people are gonna say. What’s important is that I keep doing what I WANT to be doing with my life.

I have learned: Change is good. I saw a change in how I was handling my being an author. I also became a publisher. I was scared to death to get into publishing, but I did it and, thanks to the help of my friends along the way, it was a success. And I couldn’t be happier that I got past that fear and got to where I am now. I definitely feel more confident when it comes to publishing books, and that’s going to help a lot given what I plan to do next year. I was scared at first, but I got over that fear and made it. I also saw change in how I managed things with books being self-pubbed this year. I like that change, too.

I have learned: We need to hold onto the people who matter. Hold onto the people who actually care. I have been paying close attention to the people in my life who have been there and who have not. The people who wouldn’t give me the time of day and those who would drop everything to help. I have to be very careful and very selective of who I allow to be in my circle. Who I allow to be my friend. I have been hurt too many times by people I thought I could trust, or was supposed to be able to trust. I have had too many so-called “friends” treat me like crap and only remember me when they needed something. Or people who are judgmental, dishonest and not trustworthy. No more of that! I can’t keep tolerating the fake friends, the people who have thrown potshots my way and the people who constantly have me on “Ignore.” Same goes for people who take my presence for granted. Because, you know what? You’re either for real, or you’re not. And I have noticed the people in my life who are For Real. The ones who are there, who actually talk to me, the ones who call me their friend and act like it. I am not going to waste my time on fake friends or fake people anymore. Life is too short and we need to keep the people who matter within arm’s reach while we live it.

I have learned: We can’t live life indoors. There is too much of the whole wide world out there just waiting for us to explore it! Part of the reason why I stayed home whenever possible was because I was too comfortable being at home. And I’m not comfortable anymore. Yes, I know I have a senior dog with failing health who does not have much time left, but I also know I just gotta get Out There some more. I need to go ride a bike, go hiking, go fishing, take long walks and just Get. Outside. We are not meant to live our lives holed up in our homes and constantly glued to our computers or TVs. We are meant to get out there into the world and live life! Otherwise, how will we meet people? How will we see this beautiful world God created? How will we find out where that path goes? We won’t unless we actually get outside and take that path or travel that road. I know I have a lot going on that requires time at the computer, but I am working something out where I won’t be at the computer 8-10 hours every day 365 days a year. No more of that! It’s time to get out of the house more often and see all the stuff that’s out there. This is one valuable lesson I have learned this year and this lesson, like the others, will definitely have an impact on changes I’ll be making in the new year.

Here’s to a better, happier and wiser 2014!

Snobs suck

There is this picture I once saw on Facebook that says, “I am who I am. Your approval is not needed.” I shared it on my page, but you know what? I want to wear those words on a T-shirt! And I want the WHOLE WORLD to know that even if they do not agree with how I live or work, even if they no longer respect me because of some choices I have made with my life and my work, then all I have to say to those people is this: “I am who I am. Your approval is not needed.”

For some time now, I have been seeing blog posts and newsletter editorials of how certain people I know have thumbed their noses at others just because they are not on the same path as them. Or, they encourage people aspiring to be like them to cut away all the “deadwood” – that deadwood being people who decided to aim lower or accept a lower offer or go indie with their books, or something. Now I respect their opinions, their beliefs and their choices. But when I am a part of this so-called “deadwood” and they are constantly putting out this very same message, I have to wonder if they’re trying get a certain point across to a certain person who is not doing certain things THEY are doing.

Even worse are the kinds of people who are dormant in someone’s life but then, when that person becomes a megaselling success or a superstar or gets a contract offering millions, they all of a sudden pop into your life acting like they’ve been your BFF for YEARS.

I once had the experience of knowing a certain celebrity – or, at least, I THOUGHT this person was a certain celebrity. But at the time that I thought this person was who I thought he was, all of these girls who were fans of his flocked to my email account or my MySpace page wanting to know ALL the details about this person, what he’s like, etc. I mean, I was hearing from one person several times a day. I thought we were friends. Ha! Silly me. When I realized the jig was up and a poser was in my midst, POOF! Almost all of those girls were gone. (That was quite a wake-up call for me, I’ll admit.) Well, all except one. She thought I had been playing her all along, then when she discovered the jig was up, she sent me nasty emails like I had lied to her then cut off communication completely. (Which is probably just as well, anyway.) These people are in a category known as “fake friends.” They love you only because of some reason or another, but not for the person you really are.

I DO want to do well with my writing. I DO want to achieve a certain level of success with my work. And when I do, and ALL of those “invisible” friends I have suddenly reappear in my life acting like we’ve been buddies forever, I will only look at them and ask, “Where were you when I was struggling? Where were you when I was still trying to get to where I am now? Where were you?” They were being SNOBS! They decided they DID NOT want to talk to me or be a friend or anything (a REAL friend) unless and until I became the kind of person they wanted to KNOW.

But you know what? I am not going to waste my time or energy on these people anymore. If someone wants to be in my life, then I welcome them into my life. And they should try TALKING to me once in a while, you know? Otherwise, they are being snobs. If they don’t want to be in my life, then it’s no skin off my back. I can wave goodbye just as easily as I can wave hello. If they don’t want to be my friend but instead want to “pretend” they are only to take what I write, do or say and use it as ammunition to talk down to me or act like a snob around me or create some other kind of drama and get on some high horse, then I’d rather they NOT be in my life at all. In fact, that right there is pretty much a good description of the kind of “deadwood” I should cut away. And, of course, I am paying close attention to who is actually “there” and who is not. I have been lied to, manipulated and taken advantage of so many times in my life (including by certain family members), I have gotten to a point where I am careful with all relationships.

I am not a snob when it comes to who gets to be my friend. Believe me, as someone who has had third degree burn scars on her face nearly her whole life and has had to endure years of bullying and teasing because of it (even from certain family members), I cherish and cling to my friends. The person who is ACTUALLY a friend, that is. Whether that person is rich or poor, fat or thin, famous or unfamous, successful or not successful, Christian or atheist, gay or straight, black or white, tall or short, THAT person will still be my friend. And I will not look down on him or her just because he/she is not on the same path as I am. I have deaf friends and I have hearing friends. I have famous friends and I have unfamous friends. I have rich friends and poor friends. That friendship will stay there as long as they decide they WANT that friendship with me despite everything else. Despite my not marching to the beat of THEIR drum. If they decide we can’t be friends because I’m not a millionaire or I don’t have an agent or I am not published by a big-name publisher, then I guess we’re not really friends after all. And I am better off cutting away the snobs, because I really would rather not stick around as a target for them to poke at with their tripe.

Sorry, people, but I march to my own drum. I choose to self-publish my poetry books and my children’s because I Want To. I choose to be an independent author because I have received MUCH better treatment AND exposure as an indie author than as a POD author or one published by a traditional press. (I still love those other publishers, though! You guys rock!) This is just me and the way I am doing things and how I am living life. This is my thing. Your approval is not needed.

Dawn's Hubby is (Not) on Facebook

When I first signed up for Facebook, it was for one purpose only: To network with fellow writers. Of course, the fact that I had so much family on there became a plus. Then my presence on Facebook took a big turn. My reasons for being on Facebook got to be a little bit personal. I used it to stay in touch with family and friends.

Still, I worried about having that “author presence” on Facebook, as I know I wanted to have. Didn’t like it so much that the personal stuff AND the author stuff were on the same profile.

The solution? An author page on Facebook! Yay! So I created an author page just for that author stuff and I use my personal profile for family, personal and occasional writing stuff.

Eventually, my husband joined Facebook. He didn’t like Facebook at first and didn’t really see much use for it. But then he saw how it would help create a better connection with family and allow them to stay in touch with him better. So he finally created a profile. Yay! My husband was FINALLY joining me on Facebook!

Or … was he?

I started to notice he didn’t participate so much on Facebook. Sure, he added people and stuff, but he still has not really taken to it just yet.

And I’m going to stop right here and say that, YES, my husband REALLY IS on Facebook. He REALLY exists. I didn’t create a fake profile of his, or anything. And he IS a real person!

And I say all that because, in the time he has had a Facebook account, he doesn’t really use it so much.

And he has not really made his presence known on my profile, either. He has never commented on anything or liked anything on my profile. Ever.

But he really, truly exists! He really, truly has his own Facebook account!

He just doesn’t use it so much.

I asked him today about that. it kinda bugged me that he has NEVER commented on anything on my profile or liked anything. Didn’t he WANT to make himself known on my page? Didn't he want to show that he is there, reading stuff and looking at stuff?

So when I asked him why, he told me he doesn’t really like Facebook. He’s not much of a Facebook user. He hardly ever logs in there. He usually does only if someone messages him. He told me NOT to take it personally, but commenting on things and liking things on Facebook are just not something he wants to do.

Well, I DID take it a little bit personally, because, you know, I don’t want people thinking he doesn’t give a crap about the stuff I put on Facebook or that he Just. Doesn’t. Care. Or that he doesn't really exist!

But, you know, I got over that. If people are gonna think that, then people are gonna think that. And there’s not a darn thing I can do about it.

For the record, my husband and I have a good relationship. We get along. We love each other. We spend time with each other. Etc., etc. And that is true whether or not it’s obvious by what he does (and doesn’t do) on Facebook.

He’s just not much of a Facebook user and that’s all there is to it.

In defense of straight marriages

I recently came across a popular claim made in the gay community. It's one of those sayings that gets recycled based on current events but it goes something like this: "X% of heterosexual couples break up at a rate of X%, children coming from dysfunctional homes are usually in homes with heterosexual spouses, domestic violence and abuse among heterosexual couples is X%. Meanwhile, a low percentage of abuse, violence, family dysfunction and divorce happens among the gay couples in America. Which option looks better to you? Obviously, gay couples are better than straight couples, because we stay together longer!"

In this case, someone was saying how Elizabeth Taylor was looking for Husband #7 and Larry King was having his fourth divorce. Because of these two items, the person said that ALL straight marriages are doomed and ALL gay marriages are perfect.

I beg to differ.

Just because a straight couple are breaking up or divorcing or because a straight person is getting married for a certain number of times, this does not reflect on what kind of sexual orientation is better. In fact, I know of gay people who have broken up with their significant others. I know gay people who have had many on-again and off-again relationship cycles. I know of stories of violence and interpersonal abuse happening between gay couples.

You know what? We're all the same whether we are gay or straight. Nothing lasts forever, not even relationships. Not even marriages. Whether you are gay or straight does NOT make you immune to violence, abuse, infidelity, separation or divorce. It can happen to ANYBODY. And I'm tired of people in the gay community saying "gay is better because our relationships last longer." Bull. I know of straight marriages that have lasted longer than certain gay relationships or gay marriages. One does not negate the other.

And one is definitely not better than the other, either.

What's a girl gotta do for romance?

Despite the fact that I majorly dress in "guy clothes" (jeans and T-shirt), I do like to be girly sometimes. I am, more than anything, a girl. And girls like a little romance every once in a while.

So it was a huge disappointment when, last night, while my daughter was at a sleepover and the baby was asleep, there was NO romance with hubby. At all.

I had hoped we could spend some alone time together. But it didn't happen. Instead, he spent hours playing a computer game. While I was left alone. And when I was trying to get his attention, he didn't notice. I sat there grumbling, "The house could burn down and he wouldn't even notice!"

Our marriage hasn't exactly been great lately. There has not been much physical expression. Just a hug. We don't even hold hands when we go out, if we ever go somewhere together at all. He hardly ever says "I love you" and, if he does, it's because I have to say it first. We've grown emotionally distant and just don't spend any time together. At all.

So last night, eventually, I just opened up to him about it. But in the wrong way: We had an argument. I complained about the lack of intimacy and the lack of emotion between us. I told him I feel like we're roommates and not husband and wife. I kept stressing this WAS NOT about sex (and lack of it); this was about how we are so emotionally distant from each other. There's no closeness.

I also reminded him how he does so much stuff with his friend but nothing with me. We don't have coffee together. We don't "meet for lunch." We don't go to community events together like we used to. We've stopped treating each other like husband and wife and instead act as father and mother.

I also told him how I had hoped we could have a romantic evening together, since we FINALLY had that chance. FINALLY!! That chance to spend time together is finally there...and it never happened. I was so upset.

He said that he was waiting for me to say something. Or do something. And I asked him why he didn't say or do anything, either. I told him, "Don't wait. Just do something!"

Anyway, there came and went our one chance for romance. It bothers me because it has been so long since any romance has been a part of how we relate to each other. I told him I am very unhappy here and very lonely. I doubt it would do much good to even have said that, though.

Sometimes, I feel like he just doesn't care.

It's not exactly the kind of marriage I want to be in. I want my companion. My "other half." My soul mate.

And that is not there.

It really has made me see things differently and think about this marriage differently. Before, it used to be for my child's sake. (Despite this, she told me she's scared of her father.) But now I have to take a look at myself and ask myself if I can continue to live with unhappiness and disappointments. If that's something I want to continue to carry. And even if it's something I want to fix or have the strength to fix.

It's a lot I've been thinking about. Sometimes, we just really need to ask ourselves whose happiness should come first. A lot of the times, it feels like he puts HIS happiness first. Maybe I should do the same for me.

The MIA Daddy

Today I took Jennifer along with me when I went to the grocery store. She wanted to use her allowance money to buy two dinosaur toys. She was a dollar short so I suggested that if she forfeit her allowance for tomorrow, then I would cover the extra. (I don't know if I'll stay true to that deal, though; she went above and beyond in helping me with the housework today. I was so proud of her for being so helpful. But I am trying to teach a lesson here, so maybe I'll keep the deal. But also take her out for ice cream tomorrow!)

Anyway, later in the day, I saw her playing with all of her dinosaur toys. She has five little dinosaurs and now the two big ones. I asked her if the big ones were the mommy and daddy dinosaurs and she said they were.

I asked her, "Is that why you wanted to buy those dinosaurs?"

She answered, "Yes, so that they can have parents now."

Ah, my daughter, the future adoption advocate.

This evening, I started getting dinner ready, unsure of if my husband was going to spend his "lunch break" having dinner with us. Still, I made enough chicken taco stuff for everybody. Unfortunately, he could not join us because he was so busy with his work.

When I informed Jennifer, she looked at Jesse then began to pretend crying like a baby and saying, "Dada. Dada."

I frowned at her, thinking she was trying to get him wanting his "Dada." And I said, "Jennifer, I don't think that's going to make him do anything."

Then she REALLY started to cry and say, "I want my dad!"

My heart just broke right then and there. At first I went back in time to when I was divorced and she would cry for him and say "I want my Daddy!" and he was not "there" there for her. And now she's crying for him again, when he COULD be here for her, but wasn't. By choice.

I calmed her down and explained to her that her dad had A LOT of work to do and could not have dinner with us. I was upset with hubby for not having dinner with his family and putting work first instead. I know I should be grateful he HAS work. That he has a job and everything. But he misses out on so much downtime stuff with Jennifer, like reading her a bedtime story.

I was also mentally kicking myself for opening my big fat mouth about it. I shouldn't have said anything.

Later, Jennifer brought the "daddy" dinosaur to me and said I could have it. I jokingly grinned and asked, "Are you trying to get your money back?"

She said no.

Then I said, "Are you giving that to me because that one's the daddy?"

She nodded. "I wish daddy would spend more time with me."

I told her to keep the dinosaur and don't worry about it. I comforted her and told her I would talk to her dad about this. (Just the other night, she was crying about how he hardly ever spends time with her. We were watching a show on TV and this father was fishing with his daughter. She started to really tear up over that. She is a Daddy's girl without the Daddy.)

I am trying to get my husband to actually spend that time with her. So far, I've managed to get him to take her to the park to fly her kite and I've also suggested he take her along when he goes on his outings. (He rarely does.) I will keep trying but I think I will also need to talk to him about this, too. It's been bothering his daughter for some time and he should be reminded that it's important he spend some quality time with her every once in a while.

When a reality show becomes my reality

Even though I enjoy watching reality shows like How Clean Is Your House? and Trading Spouses, I know that these reality shows are NOT reality. They are just shows for entertainment. ALL TV shows are meant for entertainment, and not to document actual reality. I am well aware that the people participating in these shows are coached by the producers to say things and act a certain way. (C'mon, people. Reality is not REALLY all that interesting enough for TV!) I still like to watch them, because, with shows like Nanny 911, there is still some takeaway value to be had. There is still some THING about these shows that make me think or get me motivated.

That said, I need to back up a little bit. Last night, while my hubby and I were chatting, he noted how I was not being very communicative and not responding to a text he sent and asked me what was wrong. If I was mad at him and if something was bothering me.

At first, I just shrugged it all off, like I normally do. I said I was just grouchy from the heat (which is true!!) and also busy with housework. But then, I just let it all out. I decided to just speak my mind and tell him what has been nagging at me lately: The fact that he spends all day watching TV or playing computer games while I'm doing the housework. How he promises to help out with the housework before he leaves for work or after he gets home, but he never does. How I felt unappreciated by him because he complains about the housework or how it was never "good enough." And how I felt like the MAID....and I didn't like that feeling.

I told him this is why I hardly do anything on the weekends when he's home all day. I pretty much relegate everything to HIM on weekends, but even then, he does nothing. No dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting. He will bathe the children and put them to bed (he doesn't get to do that M-F because he works at night), but not much else. Then on Monday, when it's my "shift" again, I have a whole crapload of mess to clean up from the weekend.

I also wanted to tell him that I don't even feel like his wife anymore, because of things going on between us, but decided to save THAT argument for another time.

He told me he refuses to do any work in this heat (yet I have to???) and that he is just tired.

Well, despite his excuses, I was glad to get that off my chest. I wanted to tell him that for some time but just never said anything. I AM sick and tired of being the maid in this family. And being taken for granted. That probably adds to my grouchiness these days.

Well, today, I was watching Wife Swap. Hubby decided he wanted to watch TV, too, then whined about why I was watching this show. I gave him "the look" and told him, "I want to watch this show." (I normally only get to watch ONE TV program a day!) Then he just sat there and watched it, too.

And something weird happened. On the show, one of the wives in the swap was named Dawn...and she is in the same boat I am in! (Or was, actually.) Doing all the housework while her husband didn't lift a finger. Granted, her husband worked a full-time job, but he could still at least clear the dinner table or do the dishes after dinner. The thing blocking him from helping?? The tired idea that the housework is "women's work." Even the wife was saying it's the woman's job to do the housework while the man works outside of the home.

My opinion? Bullcrap!

I am TIRED of these couples with these REALLY outdated ideas that a woman's place is in the home. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP and it's not the man doing this or the woman doing that. EVERYONE in the family should help out. EVERYONE participates. It's not "you do this and I do that." EVERYBODY DOES EVERYTHING! If somebody sees trash on the floor, pick it up! If there's a dirty cup on the counter, put it in the sink! Don't wait around for a "woman" to do it.

That's just....my opinion, anyway.

And I was sitting there, stewing over that. I was also stewing over how this poor woman had to work TWO full-time jobs (one as a mom and one as a medical transcriptionist) and STILL be expected to do all of the housework AND survive on 4 hours of sleep each night???

Um....no!

That picture was ALL wrong and I thought the wife was nuts to put ALL of that weight on herself. I think that sometimes, women are just too hard on themselves.

First of all, if she's a full-time mom, she should NOT be expected to also work a full-time job. That is just craziness. Even though she works from home, it's chaotic trying to balance the two. You're either a stay-at-home mom with traditional ideas or a work-at-home mom with MODERN ideas that include a bit of help and childcare! (Oh, but it's a double-edged sword. If you are JUST a stay-at-home mom who does not work at all and relies on the husband to support the family, then society decides to call that wife "lazy" and a "moocher." Gotta love all of those negative stereotypes traditionalists like to pile onto women.)

Anyway, while I was sitting on the couch, stewing over ALL of that, I noticed that huibby was not so disinterested in the show anymore. In fact, he seemed to be paying a bit of attention to how that life mirrored our life (though I do not work a full-time job). It was strange how Dawn said she felt like a maid...and how I said those same words just last night. And how she said she didn't feel appreciated as a wife. And how I said that I didn't feel appreciated, either. (I kinda left out that whole "wife" part.)

Needless to say, during the show, he got up to help me get lunch on the table. I was surprised by this sudden interest in helping me in the kitchen, but glad for it. I can only hope that show left a lasting impression on him. That he will SEE just where I'm coming from, and how I really feel about the way that things are.

And wouldn't you know it, today even my daughter decided to help out around the house, too. She ACTUALLY vacuumed! Hey, maybe these reality shows aren't all that bad after all.

Still a stranger

Today is my nephew's birthday. So, allow me to take a moment to say, Happy Birthday, Timmy! Yea! We love you and miss you very much!

As my other nephew, his brother, said in a text to me, hard to believe Timmy is 15. Gosh, I still remember when he was a little kid. And coming at me with a steak knife on a night I was babysitting him and he got mad at me. (Oh, I can laugh about that now, but it freaked me out then!)

It's hard to believe that everybody is growing up so fast. It's been ages since I've seen so many people in my family. I feel bad on missing out on all the birthdays and everything. (One of my other nephews is getting married next month. I don't know yet if we'll be going to his wedding.) My nieces and nephews are all growing up, getting married, welcoming babies, etc., and I'm not there to see any of it. Sigh.

We used to be a REALLY close family. But, like one of my sisters keeps saying, it's like we're all spread out now. It used to be we were ALL in one state: California. Now we're in California, Oregon, and Illinois. (Pretty soon, we'll be adding Maine to that list!) I think that no matter where we all live, California will be "home." I have often thought of moving back to California (and I even TRIED to make that happen, after the divorce), but even if I don't ever return to the Golden State, I think it will always be "home" in some way or another. At least for me, anyway. I often like to say I left my heart in California. I will definitely always be a California girl at heart!

Oregon has been a big adjustment. As of May 11th of this year, we have been in Oregon for 4 years. (Or is it 5???) Eugene has been VERY good for the children. They receive satisfactory medical care and Jennifer is a student at a GREAT school with GREAT people. Eugene has been good for me in that I have been able to receive an ASL interpreter at my appointments when I never had that available in California. And...that's about it, really. I have been trying to make something of myself here in Eugene, or Oregon, but that has not happened yet. Or try to belong to something, anyway. I just don't feel like I belong. The church affiliation has not worked out well. Jen isn't fond of the church anymore and I've grown weary of attending without an interpreter to let me know what is being said. I haven't had any luck in getting a job here, I haven't been able to find a group to be a part of and I've tried to make friends to have some kind of social life with but that hasn't worked out, either.

Well, hopefully, I can become part of something in which I would feel like I "belong" here or in which I feel like I'm "needed" here. It's hard and, after 4 years, I still feel like a "stranger in a strange land." I left all those friends and connections and networks behind in California. Maybe I just need more time to build that up here in Oregon? Four more years!

But I think no matter where we all are, what state we all live in, the family connection is still there. Maybe not as strong as it used to be, but I think it still exists in some way and some form.

He said, she said

I haven't blogged much lately because I've been working on my books. Trying to get those deadlines met. I am nervous about being able to meet them, because if I don't, then it will show that I don't have what it takes to be a successful author. But I'm trying to stay positive and have faith that I will meet them.

So, anyway. Stuff gets cut back when I'm working on deadline. That includes blogging.

And today, I was planning to get some more work done on the current ghost book. There are people I have been TRYING to find the time to call, but I haven't been able to because I have also been so busy with the kids and the house. (I do the bulk of the housework during the week.) So I thought I would FINALLY be able to make those overdue phone calls today, since hubby was home to watch the kids.

Didn't happen. Actually, I couldn't get ANY work done on that book.

This morning, while I made the kids breakfast, the power went out in the kitchen. I woke up hubby and informed him of this. He got up to flip the breaker switches and turn that power back on. So I continued making breakfast. Again the power went out. Hubby asked what I was doing. I said I was microwaving food, using the toaster and the coffeemaker all at the same time. And they are ALL on one outlet.

That's when he snapped at me about it and said I shouldn't do that. That's why the power kept going out. Then he was talking about how that was why he didn't want the coffeemaker plugged into the same outlet as the microwave and toaster.

I pointed out to him that he never said that. He insisted that he did. He became angry and acted really irritated with me as we kept going back and forth over how he didn't say something he thought he said. He kept repeating he said it, I kept repeating that he hadn't said it. All he said at the time was, "That's too much." I indicated he didn't even point at the outlet at the time he was setting the coffeemaker up over there.

Well, if he HAD said that, and if I had understood him, I would've said, " Oh. Okay. Yeah, go ahead and put it somewhere else."

But I tell you for a fact that he never set it straight with me that plugging the coffeemaker in at the same outlet as the microwave and toaster was going to overflood the circuits. And if it was so important, why didn't he just move it and somehow explain it to me why it shouldn't be there?? I just didn't know that was a bad idea!

His reasoning as to why I didn't get him saying all that is because I misunderstand him a lot, which is true, and that I have bad eyesight. That is true, as well, but, geez, I'm not blind! And I was wearing my glasses at the time, anyway.

Well, the argument was pretty bad. I kept trying to be calm but he kept getting angrier and angrier. It got to the point where he would ignore me when I tried to say something. And later, when I had totally moved past the argument, he was still bitchy and angry at me and kept bringing it up. I asked him why he was being so bitchy and he said he was still mad because of the argument. I told him that you can't be angry about something ALL day. You need to get over it at some point, you know? But he started saying I was always like that, too; angry about something all day. I corrected this. Yes, I have been angry at him about certain things, but not ALL day. I get over it! I cool off and just move past it. But he was taking a long time to cool off.

And he didn't want me around, either. After I told him I would go to the bookstore, because it was obvious that my even being there made him angrier, he couldn't get me out of the house fast enough. At one point, I wanted to eat a late lunch before I left, and while I was waiting for it to get done baking, he looked at me and asked, "Why are you still here?" (I started to wonder the same thing.)

When I did finally get out of the house, I was really upset. I was literally fighting back tears that he was so angry at me, he didn't want me there. I wanted to be with my children. I wanted to spend the day with them. But instead, I had to leave.

At the bookstore, I attacked a box of books that were on sale for $1. Then I went inside and did research for my Revisions book. That took a loooong time! And I was surrounded by 14 different books on one topic! But I was satisfied I got my work done and notes needed for 3 chapters. Yay! (Not so satisfied when I was leaving; I realized I forgot to look up one other piece of information. Gah! Oh, well. There's always Google. And my sources.)

After I left the bookstore, it was 7:30ish. Driving along Coburg Road, I had to wonder: Is it safe to even go home? I was DYING to see my babies. I missed them so much. But I didn't want to go home and get yelled at. (I can feel voice vibrations when someone yells at me. And, yes, hubby does yell at me sometimes!) So instead I went to Albertsons and I got Jen a comic book. I saw a friend there and I joked, "I got kicked out of the house!" Well, not literally, but, you know...

My friend commented that it was hot today. I was all, "Pfffft. It's not THAT hot!" Which is true. It was NICE today! Despite the circumstances, I was still grateful to be outside and soaking up some sun. Those sun rays coming down on me felt GREAT! It was really nice today. If it weren't for my burn scars, I'd be a big sunbather! Well, as I was leaving, my friend asked, "Are you going home?"

I smiled and said, "I'm gonna try! I don't know if he'll let me in."

My friend laughed and I guess I had to laugh about it, too. Ah, marriage! I laughed even more as I went to my car, thinking about the irony of buying the comic book when I was trying to get back home. It was like, "Plllleeeeassse let me in. I have a present for our daughter. Let me in to give it to her, pllllleeeeaasssseee?"

Well, when I did get home, after 8, everything was peaceful. My kids were playing and hubby was on the couch watching TV. When I saw my kids, I hugged them really tight, kissed them and told them that I missed them. Jesse came running up to me, smiling, and I thought that was just so cute. The house was clean, too. Thankfully. I asked him, "Are we okay?"

He said, "I'm okay."

I quietly made dinner and everything seemed fine while we ate. He gave the baby a bath and I've got dish duty tonight.

But I still wonder if there is still some kind of resentment or tension in the air.

It's now after 11:30 p.m., and we have not yet hugged or kissed. That hasn't happened all day. I don't understand why he got so angry about something that happened a long time ago. Why he just won't let it go. But maybe if I give him more time to get over it, things will be back to normal again. We'll see.

I am a Seven of Clubs!

One of my sisters recently did a reading for me, using Destiny Cards. I stressed to her that I don't believe in that stuff. Astrology, crystals, Tarot, etc. I'm not into New Age stuff (used to be, but not anymore). Just the paranormal stuff. (Haha, OF COURSE!) And I also don't believe in destiny or fate. I believe we create our own destiny. You know? We create our own futures. (Gee, that really leaves a lot to wonder about the reasons behind why I do things I don't want to do at this point in time. Hmm.)

Anyway, so, I told her to "go for it" and "might be fun." I agreed to the reading purely for entertainment value, nothing more. Here is what she came up with:

The Seven of Clubs Person

Seven of Clubs often have an enlightened mind that is capable of some amazing feats. At the same time, they can be critical and negative minded to the extent that it is no fun to be around them. One of their challenges in life is to transform their negative thinking into inspiration. They like money, and especially like to spend it. Money represents recognition and power to them, both things that they desire in a big way.

The Seven of Clubs will want to 'shine' somehow in their work. A pat on the back is an important motivator for them. But beyond this, they will likely be drawn to roles where they can be in front of others, such as teaching or giving presentations. They can be very entertaining and enlightening in such roles.

This is one of the power cards and they usually want to get their way. There is always the possibility that they can move to the dark side of their card, which is dishonesty and wanting to get their way regardless of the means. This is not the norm, but should be watched for. Sometimes there will be power struggles with superiors or co-workers. And the dishonesty factor can show up in a variety of ways. They are gifted actors in a sense so they could fool others if they wanted to.

They usually will not be fulfilled until they are doing something that allows them a lot of recognition and reward. They want to 'shine' and be seen.

Some of the Seven of Clubs Issues Concerning Relationships
The Seven of Clubs person gets along with others well in any situation. Only when a power struggle arises are there any problems. But this is relatively rare.

And here is my interpretation of that:

"They can be critical and negative minded to the extent that it is no fun to be around them."

Actually, this used to be true. I used to be a HUGE drama queen and be negative a lot of times. These days, I know better. I know all that worry and anxiety and drama is just all in my head. And that if you keep feeding that drama and negativity, it will only keep growing and growing. I read an article the other day in which a psychologist suggested that if you REALLY NEED TO vent or cry or get into that whole "woe is me" act, do it for only 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, STOP and move on. (That's a pretty good idea, actually. It's not healthy to bottle stuff up.) On the other hand, I am grateful to some of my friends who looked past that drama act and offered advice and suggestions. Which was what I REALLY needed. And, later, my sister was able to do that, too. Just look past the drama and offer advice. THAT is the best way to act when someone is having a "pity me party." Not calling them a drama queen. (Yeesh.)


"One of their challenges in life is to transform their negative thinking into inspiration."

Oh, yes. DEFINITELY true of me. I have recently decided NOT to be negative anymore. Instead, I embrace positivity. One of my concerns was that people would look at this attitude and say things like, "You know, life isn't always so flowery." Or, "In real life, people don't smile all of the time." But, you know what? I am not going to agree with that crowd anymore. I have realized that those critical, negative people are trapped in their negative thinking. They think reality is too harsh for any room to be positive. I don't think so. Yes, reality is harsh. Yes, the world is painful. And people can be cruel. But I have decided that, as far as my thinking goes, as far as my emotional world goes, as far as my own personal space goes, I'm not going to add to that harshness. The world has enough negativity. I don't want that negativity in my mind or in my home. So instead of letting the negativity fester, I work with it to turn it into something else. Instead of going "woe is me, I can't afford to go back to college," I'm looking into what programs and payment plans there are so that I can finish school and get a degree. (That's just one of my goals.)

"They like money, and especially like to spend it. Money represents recognition and power to them, both things that they desire in a big way."

Ah, yes. Here's another truism about me. But I like to EARN my money, not mooch off of other people. It's just that if I don't earn any money, either from my monthly income or from writing, I don't feel very good about myself. I feel like I AM mooching off of other people (that "people" being my husband. He likes to be the breadwinner and earn more money than me, but I like earning money, too, because I feel like I am making a contribution if I do). I do like to shop, that is true. (AAH! BOOKS!!! LOL STARBUCKS! MOVIES!!) And I do like earning money from my writing. I don't know if this sounds bad to say or not, but I like being a paid writer. (And as it is, I start my new shift next week, which means I'll be earning MORE!) Even if I wasn't paid to write, I'd still write. (The OTHER things I'm not paid to write, right??) But I am paid for my writing and that's a great feeling. More like a sense that I'm good at what I do than anything else.

"The Seven of Clubs will want to 'shine' somehow in their work."

True! And it's always nice to get a good review of my work. :)

"They will likely be drawn to roles where they can be in front of others, such as teaching or giving presentations."

Wow. I've actually wanted to be a teacher for a long time. When my sister was little, we played "school" a lot and I was the teacher. I also briefly homeschooled my daughter. And I really think that all parents play a teaching role in their children's lives, somehow.

"This is one of the power cards and they usually want to get their way. There is always the possibility that they can move to the dark side of their card, which is dishonesty and wanting to get their way regardless of the means. This is not the norm, but should be watched for."

I had to laugh when I read this. I was all, "Oooh, beware the dark side, Luke!" Haha. But, seriously, this reminded me of how I USED to be. I USED to lie to get my way or to avoid a confrontation. (Well, what do you expect?? I was raised in a family where people lied all the time! Haha, I should call my memoir Lies My Family Told Me. LOL) But I am not like that anymore. I went through a very painful experience after I got caught up in being dishonest. I regret that to this day but I know I am not like that anymore. I changed my life to be more religion-focused and won't be dishonest or lie anymore. No matter what the cost, honesty is the way to go. And, yes, that temptation to lie WILL crop up. But I remember that experience and how much pain it put me through and I don't give in to that temptation.

"They are gifted actors in a sense so they could fool others if they wanted to."

Hey, I'm a writer! It's easy for me to get into a character's head, 'cause that's what I DO! But this is pretty much reserved for when I do actor imitations. I'll never know if I get the voices right, but I do them, anyway. Allllll righty, then!

"They usually will not be fulfilled until they are doing something that allows them a lot of recognition and reward. They want to 'shine' and be seen."

Yep. Already got that with the writing. Woot!! (But I have YET to write ALL of the stuff I want to write in this lifetime. Heck, if I die tomorrow, there's STILL more stuff I'll want to be writing! Maybe I'll pull a Hemingway and come back as a ghost writer.) (Ghost writer! OMG!!)

"Only when a power struggle arises are there any problems."

Ah, yeah. I really think this touches on the financial aspect of my marriage. See, it's true. Hubby DOES like to earn more than me. And I have always had this underlying fear or anxiety of landing a huge book deal or getting paid thousands for an article, because then that'll be more than what my husband earns. It feels like some kind of a trap! Maybe on a subconscious level, I don't try hard enough to earn those millions other authors earn, because it will cause a financial imbalance in my marriage. I truly feel that this what caused our problems the first time we were married. I made more than him, and he resented that. Now it's the opposite situation. He has in Oregon what I had in California. So maybe that is something for me to look into further.

Well, anyway. Interesting stuff to read. It's given me a lot to think about! Turned out to be something more than just a "fun diversion" than I thought it would be.

This is the site my sister got this info from: Destiny Cards

It can't always rain

Last week gave us a huge amount of rain. It rained and rained and rained. whenever Jennifer complains about the rain, I shrug and tell her, "That's life in the Northwest!" But I was aggravated by the rain, too. It's been 4 years since we have moved to Oregon yet even still I miss enjoying sunny weather and clear, blue skies. I don't like the gray skies that Oregon, and other parts of the Northwest, are known for.

But another thing it's known for are the days when it doesn't rain. There's a sense of wonder and renewed joy as people get back outside to enjoy the sun when it shines again. There's that eagerness to DO things and tackle unfinished projects and neglected gardens.

Those are the days that we have come to look forward to. Despite my telling Jennifer that rain is only water (a fact she has reminded me of on the many occasions she wants to go outside to play when it's raining), we pretty much remain indoors and do indoor stuff during the rainy days.

And when it's not a rainy day, when the sky is blue again and the sun is shining, I'm reminded of the quote from the movie, The Crow: "It can't always rain."

Even when the pouring rain seems endless. Even when the cold, gray weather is going on day after day after day. Even when ALL THERE IS IS RAIN! The sunny days that follow those rainy days always, always come back to us. And those sunny days remind us that it can't always rain. Even when the rain seems to go on and on, it can't go on forever.

I was especially reminded of that quote at the end of the week. When the rains miraculously stopped. The sun came out, the gray clouds disappeared, the weather was right again. No more rain.

To celebrate the great, rain-free weather, I took the kids to the park on Friday. We went to a small park that is near our home. Here they are enjoying the swings:



I was planning to take them both to a bigger park on Saturday, but instead we did a HUGE cleaning job in the house. Got things organized, put away, cleaned up and thrown out. Jennifer got to help her dad with the yardwork, and she was really excited about doing yardwork for the very first time. I wish I had the chance to take a picture of her smiling and holding up the shears, but I was doing double-duty watching the baby while he ate in his highchair and washing dishes in the sink. It was cute to watch her act all excited about doing yardwork. She felt like SUCH a big girl.

So today was the day we went to the big park. Only, we didn't get to bring Jesse along. My husband and I agreed to leave him at home and I had Jennifer grab her stuff and we headed out the door. She had fun playing on the tire swing (it's her favorite kind of swing!) and also playing with other children. I sat on the bench, enjoying the sunny, mid-70's weather. It was REALLY NICE weather!!! Not surprisingly, the park was packed with families and dogs romping about and having picnics.

While at the park, Jennifer and I practiced playing catch with her mitt and ball. She'll be starting softball soon, so she tries to get in some practice on throwing and catching when she can. She got frustrated when she didn't catch the ball that much, so she was real surprised when she finally did catch it:




We also played Frisbee. She kept hiding behind the trees the minute I turned my back to pick up the baseball or the Frisbee, so I had to keep looking for her.

We had some good times enjoying the great weather. We're prepared if there's more endless rain coming next week, because we know that the rain will eventually stop. The sun will shine again and we'll get to go out to play again.

It can't always rain.

So there's no point in being down or frustrated when it does. And the same quote can be applied to motherhood, too. That was something else that I was grateful for. Being reminded of that quote on Mother's Day. There are times when the "rain" of moodiness, negativity, drama and troubles seem to go on and on. But it can't go on forever. It can't always rain. Sooner or later, the rain will stop, the sun will shine again and everybody will be their old selves again.

Pausing

I hardly got any writing done today. I got some editing work done on the manuscript, but that's about it. When I got the baby down for a nap, the mail was here and I received a letter from my doctor that left me shocked and just...speechless.

Apparently, a test they'd done on me recently revealed that there might be a cancerous growth on my cervix. They want me to come in for a biopsy. If it is cancer, they noted, there is treatment I can receive that will remove the growth.

All I could say after I read the letter? "Oh, my God." After that, I just silently sat in the chair, a whirlwind of emotions raging within me. I was shocked, really shocked. Kinda scared, kinda angry. I am only 34 years old! Still, one of my sisters, who is younger than me, is also dealing with a type of cancer. And my mother has been battling another type of cancer since before I was born.

Then again, I was reminded of something: Cancer knows no age. Anyone, at any age, can get it.

I don't know if it even is cancer, though. The last time I had this test done, we got the same results. The doctor said "cancer" last time. Then she said, "Well, maybe it's not cancer." Then she said "We'll test again and see." So I had to wait, and here we are. Same test results and same possibility.

Wow.

I am going to stay strong, though. even if it is cancer, I am going to hang in there. Thousands of women have had to deal with this. They have survived. I will, too.

And, at least they caught this early.

As I sat in the chair, trying to process all of this, I started to think about everything going on in life. Something like this really puts things into perspective. I mean, if it is indeed cancer, then that sort of has my days numbered, doesn't it? And there's so much I still want to do in life. So much that I still want to see. I have always believed that we must embrace the day, live life to the fullest and go after our dreams. But I had to ask myself, just how much have I been holding true to that belief? Sure I'm going after my dreams with writing, but what about the other things? Why don't I try to find some way to get a hearing aid that won't hurt when I wear it? Why haven't I tried to learn how to swim or how to fence or how to build a web site? Why did I give up on so much? Give in to so much? Let go of so much?

I mean, really. What have I NOT done in life that I REALLY WANT TO DO?

I just sat there, thinking about all that.

I look at people running and wish I could go running, too.

Well, why don't I?

I look at all of these nice houses people own and wish I owned a house, too. And I'm not even TRYING to improve my credit or get savings put away to make that happen.

Well, why don't I?

The point is, that whole letter just really made me take stock of everything. It just really made me pause and think about everything. Even if it turns out that it's NOT cancer, I still have to look at the things I have done and the things I haven't done. The things I want to do. Deep in my heart, I want to have more children. My heart aches for more children and to have a large family. If the biopsy is positive, that won't be able to happen now. But if it's negative, well....I guess you could say that it's either now or never!

I am not happy with certain choices I have made in life and I know that because of those choices, I can't make everything right again. But this has definitely been an eye-opener for me and made me think, you know, time is running out. Why spend the rest of my life being miserable? Why spend it just...wishing for things but never trying to make them happen? Why do I constantly put up with a living situation that makes me feel less than good?

I mean, really. Why do that to yourself? Who wins in the end?

But something else happened today that also made me pause. Well, I paused after a good dose of yelling and crying.

After I got back from the laundromat, I was standing there next to the door, trying to hold it in since I'd had to go to the bathroom for the past ten minutes, and I was holding out a basket to my husband to take from me. I still had to close the door and the door and the baby was right there in front of me. I had previously held out something for him to take because I had to go back out the door but he didn't so I sat it on the table myself. Instead of taking the basket, he got busy doing something else. (He said he didn't see me holding the basket out.) I sighed in frustration, looking away as I lowered it. He noticed my reaction and angrily grabbed the basket from me and took it to another room. Then he stormed back and said he was sick of my "attitude" towards him.

WHAT ATTITUDE?? I was only expressing my frustration! That's not "attitude."

I was SOOO ANGRY at him for what he did and I'm still angry at him now. It definitely made me rethink my relationship with him. Let's just say it added to my whole episode of taking stock of things in life so far. Some people may see this and think it's not a big deal that a husband angrily grabs something from his wife. Well, you know what? It's a big deal to me. Wanna know why? I grew up in a violent home, where people physically reacted to their anger every day! Now slamming doors, screaming into a pillow and just slamming your fist on a table is one thing, as far as physically reacting to your anger goes. But when you let that physical reaction be directed at a person...that's just crossing the line. YOU DO NOT PHYSICALLY DIRECT YOUR ANGER TO A PERSON. In my family, there were people slapping, hitting, punching, physically attacking, throwing, pushing and throwing things. (Which is why I hate violence. I can't stand it and WILL NOT allow violence in my home.) If he's going to physically react to his anger towards me or anyone else, it can only get worse. Allowing him to angrily grab something from me can lead to something worse. It can lead to pushing or hitting. It's disrespectful. I will not tolerate that kind of disrespect from a man I am married to. I told him, "I don't care how angry you are. You DO NOT do that with me." He might hurt me or one of the children. (He DOES have that in his past, which is why I have never been able to completely and unconditionally love him despite remarrying him. But that's a whole nother story for a whole nother blog post.) I can't allow for him, or anyone in this house, to lose that sense of self-control over their anger. (At least he doesn't drink, in contrast to certain family members who did.)

For this reason, I have been doing a lot of reflecting today. I'm trying hard to avoid being depressed or scared or filled with anxiety. One day at a time. One day at a time. I will keep my faith in God, keep praying that God will watch over us, and see what the future will bring.

Thank you, and a rant

First off, I want to thank some of the family members who took the time to look at the preliminary web site put together for the haunted houses book. I am REALLY excited about this book coming out. This is a REALLY big thing for me!! Finally, after ALL of those years of work, research and e-mail tagging, the book will FINALLY be published. I will FINALLY hold this book in my hands!! It really means a lot to me and I know it means a lot to my co-author, too. So thank you, family, for all of your support about this book.

You. Guys. Rock!

Now I need to rant a bit. Sorry, but I REALLY need to get something off of my chest.

While people in the family are checking out the site, my husband is not. Yep, my own husband doesn't give a crap about it. He doesn't ask about the book or anything. You know? And it hurts my feelings.

Well, some other issue gets me upset about this. See, he is SOOOO devoted to a friend of his out here. The same guy who got him the job that he moved us out here for. He spends HOURS at this guy's house, with this guy's family -- even on weekends. Leaving us alone. I try asking him, why can't we go, too? How come we're not invited? And he says we just wouldn't like it there or that we'll get bored.

Hey, at least we'd all be together! Right??

But the thing about this is, he's doing work with this guy. And of course, that means literally more hours away from us. He's been creating web sites for this friend of his and working ALL of the time to do what his friend wants. First thing he does when he gets up in the morning? He checks his phone for messages! Sometimes, it's like he even forgets we are even there....

So he's doing all that and ALWAYS checking his emails for emails from his friend...but there's nothing with us. And, you know, he hasn't bothered to look at the site yet.

I guess I'm really starting to feel resentful. I started feeling neglected and unloved a LONG time ago. Especially after he spent weeks not sleeping in the same bed as me. And even still, even when not doing some other job for this guy, he falls asleep on the couch. And I've been sleeping alone.

So I'm just really upset about this. I wanna say things like "well, maybe if I asked (the friend) to send you the link, you'd look at it!" or "I guess you just don't care!" I just really want to blow up at him about it.

This friend has my husband by the balls and he doesn't even know it! Maybe that's why hubby is so against us moving back to California. He wants to stay here in Oregon, close to his good buddy. (And just for the record, this friend is NOT my good buddy.) Maybe it's NOT a money thing or "life is better here" kind of thing. You know? He could be offered a job in Florida that pays him a million bucks a year and I bet he'd turn it down!

I was watching Trading Spouses today and it had Palm Springs in it. My heart just ached. God, I miss Palm Springs!! How I long to go back to that area. Just to live there again. Enjoy that beautiful sunshine, see those beautiful mountains. I miss my mountains. *sniff* I swear, if I was able to, I would move to Palm Springs in a heartbeat. And STAY THERE. At least we could visit with Millie and Allison again....and I wouldn't feel so lonely for company.

OK, so I just needed to get that off my chest. I just needed to rant. I'll get over it. I have had to get over a whole lot of things lately. But don't be surprised if you hear about us seeing a marriage counselor or something like that later on down the road.

People who like to pass judgments on others

If there's one constant I have in my life, it's that there are people out there, including certain members of my family, who like to get up on their high horse and pass judgments against me. They think they've got me ALL FIGURED OUT through their little detective work, without any input from me, and decide to cast me as this horrible, heartless, bitter, evil person. I have tried for the longest time to shrug this off, but the more it keeps happening, the more annoying it gets. And it seems people who don't even know me, have never met me in person and only know me through Internet activity, take everything they read and draw some kind of conclusion about the kind of person that I am.

Here is a little tip for people doing that: STOP doing that. You won't know the REAL ME through the Internet. Not ever.

I wish some people would get it into their heads that you can't just pass judgment over someone without getting the FACTS from them first. I guess they decide to be closed-minded or paranoid. I guess they want to live in their shells while pointing fingers at everyone. How sad. What a lonely world they must live in. I guess they are too afraid to REALLY know people and so they use their WRONG judgments and delusions of others as some kind of a security blanket. They use this to tell themselves that ALL kinds of these people are BAD and they are GOOD.

Talk about being delusional.

You may think that there can't really be people like this, but I know for a fact that there are. I know them and have interacted with them. It's painful when this kind of treatment comes from people I care about (or should I say, USED to care about). I have gotten to the point where I don't want to waste my time with people who are like this anymore. It is too painful to put up with constantly or always being judged by others who don't even know me or know where I am coming from. I would love to just say "if you've got something to say to me, say it" or "stop hiding behind your delusions about me and get to know me instead!" But I really doubt such efforts would produce any change from them. Because, like I said, these people prefer to get up on their high horse and decide what kind of person that I am (even when they don't know me) no matter what I say or do. And always that judgment is going to be negative.

I have no room in my life for these kinds of people, nor will I make any room.

Perhaps this blog post is dramatic. Perhaps it is a whine. But I'm tired of having to deal with people like this, and I need to come forward and say, "You know what? I'm done with you." I am not a stickler for taking this kind of grief from others. They won't hurt me anymore.

I needed to say all of this and now it has been said.

Red flags

One of my sisters lives in Illinois, as do my parents and one of my brothers. Because of the distance, I have not seen them since March of last year. There's been talk on both sides of visits, but it never happened. Meanwhile, most of us have stayed connected with each other via MySpace. (It used to be through AOL, but not all of us use AOL anymore.) By doing so, we were able to get bits and pieces of what was going on with everyone, as well as passing on any news or information.

For some time, the sister who lives in Illinois has been involved with someone. Someone most of my family knows about from when living in the California desert, though I don't really remember him very well. (Them saying "you know, the one with the guitar?" doesn't really help jog my memory.) Needless to say, the ones who know him better have shared with me their views about my sister getting involved with him again. Apparently, he moved to Illinois just to be with her. And I've heard a thing or two some siblings have had to say about him.

Things that are not very...nice.

When I first heard about all this and saw their pictures, I got some bad vibes about it. I know I don't know this guy, but something about this whole situation just rubbed me the wrong way. I just didn't get a good feeling about it.

Then, out of the blue, I find out they're getting married. (Yes, that fast.) Then my sister posted a bulletin saying they're changing their phone service so they'll be offline for a few days, and she'll let us know the new phone number.

So far, I haven't gotten her new phone number. Something was definitely wrong here.

From this point, other things happened that had the sirens going off. My sister decides to let this guy she's with use her MySpace, and she turns it into a profile they share. I'm starting to wonder if Mr. Wonderful has been erasing messages I send to my sister on there, because I never get an answer. I am also concerned over how this guy is suddenly more important to my sister than her own son. Until they got together, her 7-year-old little boy was her world. Now she refers to him as "the kid" and doesn't talk much about him anymore. But she's all lovey-dovey with her S.O. (OK, I don't know for sure if that qualifies as a "red flag." I mean, maybe that's just ME. I ALWAYS put my kids first, even before my own husband! Even before me!) Then she announces they have plans to move out of state. This I don't understand. My sister has a great job, her own place to live and she's close to our mother. And she SHOULD be close to family! (I sure wish we were.)

I am just really starting to feel concerned that she is involved with a controlling and/or manipulative "significant other." Given my experience with my husband and given what I learned in ALL of those books and websites I read about controlling boyfriends/partners/spouses, I'm seeing these things going on with my sister and it just doesn't look right. At all.

I just hope that, eventually, I will find a way to get in touch with my sister. Maybe someday she will answer one of my emails or I will get her new phone number and call her up. Or I'll get her address and write to her. (With discretion, of course.) I just hope I'm wrong. I hope that these things going on are just...glitches or forgetfulness. I want to believe I am wrong to think this guy's she's with is controlling, and that I shouldn't worry about anything. But those red flags and sirens going off are just a little hard to ignore.

Broken heart

Sometimes I wish there was no such thing as "love." Or that, at least, I couldn't feel it. That I could just close my heart up and NEVER feel love for anyone. The romantic kind of love, anyway. Life would be so much more simpler....

There are some things I need to fix, as far as my heart is concerned.

I need to start trusting my heart to the man I've remarried. I DO feel love for him (of course! he's the father of my children), but...I just can't trust him with all of my heart. A fact he has recently discovered. Some part of me is afraid. Afraid that he will hurt me again. And my heart is just so....guarded with him. Like it has all of these walls around it. I never saw this coming. Seriously! I never saw something like THIS happening. But, there it is. And as far as trying to fix THAT problem is concerned....well, I really think counseling would help. At first I thought "time" was the answer. But there are issues we need to work past. That I need to work past. It's not easy when someone ELSE in the past was abusive to me. And in some regard, I think that right there influences my relationship with my husband. So I think that, in this case, counseling is the answer.

I need to forget about someone in my past. When I say someone had hurt me, boy, do I mean it. Yes, someone had hurt me very badly. Someone playing a mean trick. And sometimes...I'll catch myself remembering it. Remembering things this person said to me. And wishing it had been true. That's when my heart starts to ache for that person...who wasn't really that person at all. Just someone playing head games with me. That's when I'll reign in my heart and say, "No. Don't be sad. Don't feel any kind of love for him. That wasn't even him. You want to love an impostor!" Those are the moments when I just have to tell my heart, "Stop." I have no idea how to fix THAT problem. I don't know, maybe with time? Maybe if I met/knew the REAL person and was friends with him, that would help me to just GRASP that it was all just a charade? I don't know. I want to understand how I can fix that problem my heart struggles with. That is something I need to work on.

And, finally, the other problem that I need to fix with my heart is learning to let go. Let go of my dream man. I now know why those dreams came back: Because I wanted them to. After the first dream, I was so riddled with sadness and guilt. Jonathan had killed himself in my dream because he thought I didn't love him. But I HAD! In the dream, I HAD felt that love for him! He thought he had NO ONE but he was wrong. And I wanted to set things right. That's why the dream came back. And it lasted for so long because I WANTED them to. There were times in my life when it was I who had no one. No friends, no one to love, and I had such a troubled atmosphere at home.... So it's natural that the dreams continued. My mind was giving me what my subconscious wanted. The kind of love I had in those dreams was REAL. It was TRUE LOVE. It was the kind of love that lasted over the years, the kind of love that was blind to how I looked, the kind of love that was NEVER destroyed no matter what. And I wanted that kind of love so bad. Even if it was only in my dreams. But now I know....it was not real. It was what my mind created for me, especially during the troubled times in my life. Those dreams were my therapy. And, sometimes, it was the love in those dreams, HIS love for me, that gave me strength to go on. And it was that kind of love that inspired me, too, in its own ways. But now I must let that love go....because the fact that it's NOT REAL and...not here in my life is just too painful for me to bear. I can't explain how I dreamed about someone who ended up looking like a real person, before I even KNEW about him. I can't explain that. It's just one of those...."common face" situations, I guess. But, in any event, I know I must forget all of that now. I must let it go and STOP my heart from keeping that love alive, because that love is not real and it never will be. As much as I want it to be. I can live with not knowing, but I can't live with not having....

These are the issues that I struggle with. Which my heart is struggling with. They are issues which no heart surgeon in the world could ever fix. Only me. And I may not have all the answers, I may not know who to talk to about these things, but I will do what I must to try to fix them. My heart is broken and it needs to be fixed. So I will fix it.