Leaving him

This morning, I planned to take Jesse with us to church. I wanted to wait until he's 6 months old before I would take him with us to church. Now that he is 6 months old, today was the day he'd go to the nursery at church for the very first time!

But he almost didn't.

Right at the last minute, right before we were going to leave, I started feeling nervous. I didn't like the idea of leaving him in the nursery while I attended services. (The parents usually aren't allowed to hang around.) I just didn't like the thought at all. I talked to my husband about it. He was not going with us to church (he doesn't attend) and I said, "I want to leave him with you."

But my husband couldn't watch the baby while we attended church. He had too much yardwork to get done today. So, I had to take him with us. But first he wanted to know WHO would be watching the babies in the nursery. I explained there'd be 2 or 3 volunteers in there. He wanted to know what kind of volunteers and I said, "Members of the church."

"Do they take just anyone?" he asked.

And I said, no, the volunteers have to go through a background check first. I know because I once received paperwork from the church shortly after joining, inviting me to volunteer in the Children's Ministry. Part of that paperwork was a form I had to sign agreeing to a background check. (It was A LOT of paperwork! With A LOT of questions.) Next he wanted to know where the nursery was located and if it was in the same room as the older children. Satisfied with my answers, he shrugged and said, "He'll be okay."

We COULD have stayed home today, but I didn't want to. I HAD to go to church. I felt a strong need to go. And apparently, I had to take the baby with us, too.

So when we got to church, I dropped Jennifer off at her classroom. Then I took Jesse to the nursery. I signed him in there, explained that he'd already has his bottle and cereal, and said that he'd probably just take his nap. I watched them carry him to a part of the nursery. They left him in his car seat and sat it in an area where a volunteer was sitting, holding another baby.

So I walked out the door, determined. I looked down to see that someone had lost their calling slip. Each child is given a number, which is written on a calling slip. The parents keep the slips with them. There is a screen in the sanctuary where a number will flash. That number is for the parent who is needed in the Children's Ministry. I looked down and saw the name "Josiah" written on it. I picked it up and took it back into the nursery and told the volunteer that someone had dropped it. When I walked back out again, I froze. All of a sudden, my strength and determination just left me.

I could not leave.

I lingered outside of the nursery, by the door. I tried to walk farther away, but I couldn't. I just felt so scared to leave the baby in there. I knew he wasn't alone. I knew he was clean, fed, comfortable and in a calm atmosphere. So why was I so nervous to leave him? I'm so darn attached to my baby! Even with my best friend Jimmy, who has babysat Jennifer for me in the past, has volunteered to babysit Jesse, I COULD NOT leave him! Not even now...

So I did the only thing I could think to do. I started to pray. I just stood there and prayed to God for strength and to please, PLEASE protect my baby. Keep him safe and watch over him for me. I would only be gone for 2 hours. No longer than that. And after I prayed, I felt better. I felt safe trusting in God to watch over him.

So I went into the sanctuary to attend the adult church service. You would think I'd STILL have my confidence, but it instantly disappeared again. Maybe because I sat ALL the way on the other side of the room, farther away from the nursery. I could barely breathe. I was nervous, fidgeting and unable to focus on my surroundings. So I just kept praying. I sat there, silently praying to God to protect my son. Keep him safe. After a while, I was able to breathe okay and sort of focus on the sermon. But mostly I just prayed through the whole thing and kept my eye on the call screen. (Well, they were mostly talking about missionary work, anyway! It was one of THOSE sermons.)

At one point, though, I DID go back to the nursery to check on Jesse. On my way there, I saw Houston at one of the doors. We exchanged smiles and waves. I remembered how, after I met him, I asked a friend, "Is he the one everybody goes to if they have a problem?" I started hoping there wasn't a problem this time. At the nursery, the volunteer assured me that the baby was fine. He took a nap and now he was awake and just calmly looking around. So I went back to the services and tried to distract myself by reading the book of hymns.

Interestingly enough, that helped calm me even more.

When it was time to leave, I went back to the nursery to pick Jesse up. They were all very happy he had been there and said there was no trouble at all. I was SO RELIEVED. When I had him in front of me again, I gave him hugs and kisses and started talking to him. His smile to me just melted my heart. I was so thankful all had gone well.

I went to the classroom where the older children were. After I picked up Jennifer, we were on our way out when I saw Evie, another friend at the church. We smiled at each other, hugged and wished each other a good Sunday. (It was nice to get a hug from a friend! It sure helped ease my anxieties.) So we went out to the car and when we got out there, I said another silent prayer. A prayer of gratitude.

Later, I looked up who Josiah was on the Internet. Just out of interest. I came across this link: http://www.keyway.ca/htm2003/20030620.htm The name "Josiah" means "The Lord will support." Amen.