Bottled up

I am ACTUALLY updating my blog. Wow.

I haven't had much time for blogging stuff. I've been insanely busy with the writing, taking care of the kids, running errands and keeping house. On top of this, my baby has been sick with a cold, and there were days I was a zombie because I barely got any sleep. (He's going to the doctor tomorrow.)

A lot has been on my mind.

I'm really, really missing my mom. I have tried to call her (she lives in another state), but can't get through. I've been saying lots and lots of prayers for her. She stays at a cancer treatment center Monday-Friday so it's hard to figure out when I can call her then. I try on weekends but not having much luck. I am putting 100% faith in God that she will continue to improve. (She's having chemo, radiation and surgery.) She's REALLY fighting this thing. It's hard for her to talk on the phone because she doesn't feel so great but I REALLY feel so proud of her for fighting the cancer this time around. (I don't think cancer can ever REALLY go away, even if you remove a tumor or something.) My mother is a VERY strong woman and I have faith she will get through it this time.

Other than that, well....I've been stressing out with the writing. I'm doing the second draft on my MG novel. And...I am in panic mode. I don't know WHY but I'm just freaking out and thinking, "I can't do this!" It's a freaking MIRACLE I wrote the first draft! Well, actually, I kind of just breezed right through it. Because the story was so ALIVE in my head. And I just wrote it all down. Now instead of creating, I am fixing. I am improving. I am trying to make the writing and the story better. Fix up loose ends. Add descriptions. That sort of thing. That's ALL it is! So why am I panicking?? I fixed the first chapter and I thought it was good. But every time I try to hit the second chapter, I freeze up. Sigh. This SAME THING happened when I was writing the first draft. I froze up and didn't write for days. I KNEW why that happened, but I don't know why THIS is happening....

ETA: I haven't really talked too much about what my mom has been going through because I just didn't want to "deal" with it, you know? I felt like talking about it might make it worse or maybe something bad will happen. I just kept eerything all bottled up.

When my husband recently asked me what kind of care she was receiving in St. Louis, I marvelled over just how calmly I told him, "She's having radiation and chemotherapy being done. And they did surgery." I might as well have been talking about the weather! But strangely enough, I started asking myself just HOW I am dealing with it. I don't know if praying for her and occasionally calling her up is enough.

But maybe because I haven't talked much about it, I am freezing up with the writing. There's so much inner turmoil I've got going on -- anger, regret, sadness -- that maybe it's just all "clogged up" inside and I need to work through it.

I AM very proud of my mother. She's fighting the good fight! I could never imagine what she must be going through. Maybe talking about it will help. Not talking about it to be sad, or anything. Maybe talking about it to understand things better and deal with certain fears.

One thing I've learned is that cancer really changes people, inside and out. I hear about what my mom is going through and I've started to look at the life she has lived so far. All of the things she got to do and didn't get to do. How we, her children, have treated her as adults. What she has taught us.

I'm not ready to let go of my mother. There's not any time in my life that I'll ever be prepared to let go of her. And I think that while she is once again fighting this, I will stand by her and offer her my ongoing support, and my undying love.