So long, SAHM

Well, I gave it my best shot. But given that I've got more financial responsibilities heaped on my shoulders since my divorce, it's time I've realized that I just can't be a stay-at-home mom anymore. I am responsible for all of my bills, all of the rent, and everything else involved in providing food and shelter for my child. The child support I receive every month helps, but it doesn't bring my total monthly income to where I can wing it. With that income, it's JUST enough to get by, with no room for error. This month, there is error. I have to renew the registration on my car and pay double my car insurance since I couldn't afford it last month (everything I had went towards moving). I've done my budget for the month and I'm $350 in the hole.

But my decision to go out and find a job isn't so much based on being able to have a little extra money left over for "extra necessities" like gas or DMV stuff or even doctor appointments (and, no, there's NOTHING available for even that!). It's a little more than that. I don't have certain pieces of furniture that I'm used to having -- like a couch and a desk -- and where I'm living needs some fixing up. Like landscaping. I can't meet those needs. I mean, sure, they're not REALLY needs. I could live with being a kitchen table writer and having a yard nearly run over with dead grass. But it makes me ask myself, you know: What kind of home am I providing for my child? And that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

This is why I have decided it is time for me to join the work force. Or should I say....rejoin it. In any event, I have to get a job outside of home. I just can't bring in enough as a writer; believe me, I've TRIED. I can't break into the better-paying markets. I can't get my resume-writing business set up, either. I just can't do it. The fantasy is that I could be soooo determined and keep at it and keep at it until I'm FINALLY awarded with a large book contract or a spot in a big paying magazine. But the reality is, I have a child to support. And when there is a child in the picture, your dreams get thrown out the window. You have to earn a living even if you hate the job you're earning a living at.

I have NOTHING against getting a job. What I am against is being a working mom. I'm not going to judge other working moms. It's just that I STRONGLY believe in being there for your children. That's just me. That's my traditional side. The mother is at home with her children. The father is the breadwinner. That's the way I see it. But now because there's A: No "father in the home" and B: No other younger children requiring extra care, I have to push that traditional side of myself aside and do what needs to be done. I have to be the mother AND the father. Thankfully, my child is older. She's starting kindergarten in the Fall. Plus, she's not a difficult child to take care of. So that makes me feel a LITTLE bit better about the prospect of having to work. I already have a friend who said she'd be happy to babysit my daughter for me; I really should find out if there are 2 others I can ask because my friend starts college soon so she will have a compromised schedule.

I just HOPE I am successful in finding a job. I really NEED one. I heard that people who need a job fast usually go through a temp agency. I also have another friend who knows of a place I can go to that will help me get a job. They'll also help out with daycare (she has 3 kids -- and she said the daycare was $500 a month!! OHMYGOD!!). So, I'm going to look into that, too.

I realize that one other financial burden will come into play because of this: The outrageous cost of gas. I've always been grateful about being a stay-at-home mom and not have to drive around sooo much and pay an arm and a leg to afford the gas for a commute. But getting a job will mean that I'll have to -- UNLESS I can find one close to home I can just walk to. I don't know how the deaf fare on the bus; it's something else to look into.

I think it will be hard for my daughter, though, if I start working. I mean, she IS used to having her mommy around 24/7. And I get SOOO upset if I'm apart from her after so long. :( We're both attached to each other, so I might have some separation anxiety on my hands. But, like I said, she's starting school soon, so that'll hopefully make this change a little less painful. For both of us.