The dream letter

I woke up early this morning from a dream and I couldn't go back to sleep.
In my dream, I got this CUTE new doggy. I've wanted to get a new dog for a long time. LOTS of dogs!! :) But this one, he was the same kind of breed of dog as my nephew's (Blue Nose Pit Bull). He was a puppy. [To the anti-Pit Bull crowd: My nephew's dog is a baby. Seriously, he can play rough (like, oh, pull me up the stairs in a game of tug-of-war), but he's a really lovable dog. I think he would be to the family he's a part of. My daughter LOVED being around him and, LOL, he and I would "sing" (howl) together when my sister played music.]

Anyway!

So, I got a new dog in the dream. And after a while, I named him Boris. He became a BIG HIT with my daughter and family members. Then I was "given" my ex's desk. I know in real life he would never part with his desk but I was HAPPY about it in my dream! Needed help moving it into my place but I was happy, too. FINALLY! A desk! Yay!! I don't have a desk now... *sulks* The computer is on my kitchen table, as it is. And...all of my writing stuff is in either my nightstand or boxes. So, I was HAPPY about getting a desk. (I'd probably cry in real life. haha) I managed to get my old neighbor, Melissa, to help me move the desk into my home. (That's interesting because my younger sister, MELISSA, is planning to move in with me soon.) Then, later on, some family members were visiting with me (wonder of wonders!) and this black guy appeared out of nowhere, holding a puppy. He said "this is for you" (another one??) and I got all excited over ANOTHER dog joining the "family" (though in the dream, I was also secretly worried about affording yet another pet fee to pay). This puppy was a husky mix and the man petted him as I held him, saying, "He's got some bad tooth decay." I said that was ok, I'll give him some TLC.

Next thing in the dream, I was at this Goodwill and I bought this BIG brown coat. I stopped to get some gas and while the attendant put gas in the tank, I was just putting my hands into the pockets and I FELT something! A big clump of something.... I pulled out a bunch of folded up papers that had some money in it (I saw a 10, a five and a bunch of ones). Then I unfolded one of the papers and it looked like a letter. I started reading:

"'I don't want to give up.'"
You already have..."

I realized, as I kept reading, that I knew who wrote this letter. I was shocked! It was a letter written to ME! By an ex-boyfriend. How in the WORLD was it possible I could find that in a jacket I got at the Goodwill???

Small world....

Well, I kept reading the letter. He was talking about how, when I'd get busy working on the books, most of the time he'd just "kick back and let it happen" but other times he worried about the kind of people I was getting involved with. Mainly the publishers I was signing with, to publish my books. He picked one company in particular and started going on and on about how one person working there used to work for a shady business and this guy has some kind of criminal record. I was actually impressed he'd gone so far as to check people out. (I'm not planning to get another book published by this company, though, and my reasons don't have anything to do with who works there.)

I woke up from the dream as I continued to read his letter.

I lied in bed, thinking about it. The first thing that struck me as odd was that this letter was talking about CURRENT events. I have not heard from this man for many years. (Wow. It's been something like....13 years since I last heard from him. I met him when I was 16.) It's strange I'd find a letter he wrote talking about something going on in my life at this point, when I haven't seen him or heard from him for so long. (I haven't SEEN him since I was 16!)

Another thing I thought about was...why did I find a letter from HIM? It's not like there's any chance I'd EVER see him again. And, I haven't even thought about any feelings for him, or anything.

But I HAVE thought about him, from time to time. I mean, we never really got to HAVE much of a relationship. I only saw him once! We pretty much kept in touch by letters and phone while I moved all over and he moved all over. It's just been a long time. I often wonder what he's done with his life. If he ever got married, ever became a father, if he's still living in Florida, etc. (LOL It's SO ironic. I know SO MANY people over in Florida but I have NEVER been there, never visited there.) I don't think I'll ever talk to him again, though. I lost his address long ago and, well, we just fell out of touch. And I figured he's moved on with his life. Well, sure, I have, too. It's not like I mourn "what could have been" or secretly hope he'll just show up on my doorstep and I'll have love in my life again. You know, I don't really think about that stuff ("stuff" being love! LOL). I pretty much figure if he WANTS to contact me, he can get on the Internet and find me quite easily. All it takes is entering my name in Google and my site pops up, my email address pops up. I'm not HARD to find on the Internet! And, really, if he WANTED to find me, that's pretty much something he could manage to do. So, I'm not worried. (Admittedly, I have used the 'Net to "find" him, but I never really followed through on any leads because I was really only curious about whether or not he's still in Florida.)

Finally, I think about what his letter says..... For the longest time, I've known I need to get my books published with a "big" publisher. I've tried to talk myself into "climbing out of the sandbox" and approach the bigger houses for a long time. But, I never really DO it. I just don't. I keep going to the smaller presses, the unknown publishers. I just keep doing that and I really don't know why.

Have I really "given up," as his letter suggests? Have I shortchanged myself? Do I have so little faith in my ability to write a book worthy of getting published by companies like St. Martin's Press, Little, Brown, and Doubleday?

I don't know.....