Is there pizza in my future?

Recently, I saw an “On this day” post on Facebook in which I excitedly announced that I FINALLY had a new writing gig. This after months of trying to find a new one. That made me feel sad all over again because that supposed “gig” turned out to be a scam. It was NOT a good thing because I was – and still am – desperate for work. For ANY kind of job, really. I have been trying to get a new job or gig for over 2 years (I think it’s 3 years now?) and I am growing increasingly frustrated with every single rejection. I have applied for jobs and gone to interviews – all for nothing. On Sunday, I applied for two jobs and, on Monday, got an email from HR at one of those jobs to call and arrange for an interview. Because I am deaf, I use Internet relay (through Sprint). So when I called using relay, they said they needed to speak with me directly. I explained that I am deaf and must use relay for phone calls. (Relay involves another person to relay messages back and forth.) They said they’d let the top HR person know and they’d get back to me. They haven’t yet. They probably won't. And last night, I told my husband about this (he is also deaf) and he said they probably won’t be contacting me. I HAD told them I am deaf when I applied for the job – did they miss that note? But he said I would be too much of a liability for them and they’d get sued if something went wrong only because of my being deaf.

So once again, my deafness was a problem for me getting a job. Oh, sure. We’d all like to promote the idea that a deaf person can still be anything they want to be and do anything they want to do despite being deaf, but the reality is that it is Very Hard to get a job in today’s world if you are deaf. I know this so well. One lady told me she would have hired me if I had been able to communicate over the phone.

Discrimination against the deaf is alive and well, people. Especially in the workplace.

And of course, I have always wondered if there were other factors that prevented me from getting a job. Was it because of my limited work experience? (I have spent most of my adult life working from home.) The third degree burn scars on my face and left arm? The limited physical use of my left hand? Or my lack of a college degree? Or because I am only available for part-time work? Or because I’m from California??

Whatever the reasons were, I have not given up in my attempt to get a job. But it has gotten to the point where I feel like I will be filling out job applications for all of eternity! It’s almost a joke now, really. And sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time because I’ll just be told “no” again.

But I am too stubborn to quit. I may have obstacles in my path, but I’m the kind of person to work around obstacles. I don’t run away and cry and go “Boo-hoo! Poor me!” No, I keep going despite the obstacles and find another way to get things done.

But all of this struggling to get a job has made me sometimes wonder if I should just go into business for myself. I have read of other people facing these same exact struggles that I have faced and they found success striking out on their own.

So, maybe I should try doing that, too? Do something on my own? My own business?

I HAVE thought about this a lot for a long time. I have even had several ideas for different things to do. Different careers or different business ideas. Heck, I even thought about becoming an inventor! But all of those ideas eventually got shot down. I would spend time thinking about them, weighing the pros and cons and thinking long-term with these types of jobs and businesses. And nothing really seemed like a right fit.

This morning, though, an idea popped into my head, and the more I thought about it later in the day, the more I began to think maybe it could work.

As I drove my teen to work this morning, an idea for a pizza place popped into my head. That’s right: Pizza! But not just your average pizza. I had ideas for specialty pizzas. Of course, there’d be the standard pizzas: Pepperoni, supreme, and my kids’ favorite, cheese pizza. But I had ideas for different kinds of pizzas made with different kinds of ingredients. And by the time I arrived at my teen’s work, I had an entire menu in my head. As soon as I was parked, I grabbed my phone and started typing it all down. I got ideas for more things to add to that menu on the drive back. (The drive is an hour and fifteen minutes long!)

The thing of it is, though, I’m not much for making pizzas. I have only made one homemade pizza and it didn’t turn out very well. However, I have also made one of these specialty pizzas that I have on my menu, and it was really good.

What I liked about this idea is its uniqueness. If you want to stand out in a competitive market, you HAVE to be unique. You have to offer something new and something that is a personal style.

When I got home, I told my son about this idea and I showed him the menu I had typed up. He thought it was interesting.

At first, though, I thought, Nah, I don’t want to open my own pizza place. I am not good at making pizzas!

Well, maybe I can LEARN?? Maybe I can get training for it?? Maybe if I try making pizzas more often, then I’d get better at it? Especially these kinds of pizzas. Maybe.

Well, it’s something to think about. I really don’t have anything else going on for me work-wise. Maybe starting my own thing is the answer. Maybe that’s what I need to do. It’s something to think about.

At first, I wanted to throw away that menu. It’s probably too crazy of an idea. But now I’m thinking that maybe I should just hold onto it. Just in case. Maybe one day,  this will be the direction that I end up going in.

Singing on the road

Last week was the first official week that my teen started hir first job. It is a summer job, but it’s still a real, official job all the same. The job is located a ways past Blue River, Oregon, but we call the trip out there driving out to Blue River because it’s like only one other city we have to drive into before we get to the official job site. (I’m not really sure on the name. LOL I know, that’s stupid. I know we go into a town called “Rainbow” but then when we get to hir place of employment, the address identifies the city by a different name!) But we use Blue River as the mark for our trip. Trevor starts eating breakfast after we pull into Blue River, so that’s how it is for us with this trip. Blue River is the city we keep an eye out for.


Oh, and it’s over an hour away! Actually, it’s like an hour and fifteen minutes away. We drive through several cities to get there. And we drive up on a mountain. It is a VERY scenic route! I have to take a freeway and a very long highway to get there! I spent some time last week taking pictures while driving to and from there and sharing them on Facebook.


We have to leave for the trip at 5:30 in the morning so that Trevor can get to work on time. Because of this, I had to create a new weekly schedule. The new schedule calls for me getting up at 4 a.m. Monday through Friday. Trevor gets up at 4:30 to get ready for work and the trip.


So, yeah, both of us are pretty tired on the trip. I have a cup of coffee before I leave and fill my travel mug with more coffee. (Trevor drinks hot chocolate.) Trevor sometimes sleeps on the way to hir job. I, on the other hand, cannot sleep. I have to stay awake for the drive there AND the drive home. Even so, I have still been tired and sleepy while doing all of that driving. That COULD be a problem.


I have been trying different things to stay awake for the trip: Rolling down my window, not wearing my jacket (it gets COLD out there!), counting in Spanish (my Spanish is a little rusty so this can be a challenge), slapping my face, blinking rapidly, shaking my head and even driving fast. None of those things were very effective and I didn’t feel too good about that last one. It’s dangerous to drive fast on that highway! There are lots of twists and turns. I don’t want to go flying off the mountain!


Then I tried something else. I remember how, during the many times we were on the road when I was a kid, my siblings and I would sing to pass the time. As I got older and my deafness became more profound (and THEN I couldn’t wear a hearing aid anymore), I started to grow away from my love for music and singing. I stopped singing so often. Sometimes I sang lullabies to my kids, and sometimes when I couldn’t sleep I would lie in bed and silently sing, but that is about it.


So I gave this a try – but I didn’t actually sing at first. What I did first was just play songs in my head. That didn’t work out very well. Then I silently sang songs to myself. That worked better!


Then one day, on the way out there, my son noticed my silent singing. (My son rides with me on the trip to pick Trevor up from work.) He asked what I was doing and I explained to him that I was silently singing songs to myself because it helps me to stay awake. He said I wasn’t singing, I was just mouthing the words. I told him it was LIKE singing for me, because the song was playing in my head and I sang along with it. Then I joked that he really wouldn’t want to hear me actually sing because my voice probably sounds terrible. (I don’t really know how my voice sounds. I can’t hear it! I used to sing at school in chorus and also in Sunday School but I haven’t used my voice for singing for a very long time.)


But I was thinking about what he said. Later, I asked Trevor about it. Was it so terrible to mouth the words to a song?? Trevor told me there’s nothing wrong with it and people do it all the time.


This actually made me feel better. And, hey, I always felt happy when I was silently singing along to a song. I LOVE singing so much. In fact, I used to want to be a singer. My sister, Elizabeth, and I wanted to start our own band when we were teenagers! It just makes me feel good and I enjoy singing.


But I thought even more about it. And, later, I felt brave enough to actually sing in the van as I drove home one day. I had my window down, sure, but I didn’t care if anybody heard me! I was gonna sing!


This has actually worked even better in keeping me awake for these long drives.


But in the afternoons, when I’m driving there and back to pick Trevor up, I’m not brave enough to sing in front of my kids. I have not gotten to that point yet. And anyway, maybe it’s better that I don’t. I sing old songs. Not new songs, though my kids have TRIED to introduce me to them, but old songs. Songs I grew up hearing and singing. Songs I know the words and music to.


Songs I knew before I became deaf.


In a way, singing these songs, and playing them in my head, has helped me to remember them. I can’t listen to them anymore, so I have to rely on my memory on what kind of tune a song had, what kind of music it had, and what the lyrics were. Sometimes I have to go back to read the lyrics to help me remember a song again, but if I can’t remember the music for it, it’s very hard to remember the song itself if I only know the lyrics. I have to know the WHOLE sing. Remember all of it.


That said, these are the songs I sing on the road or that I’ll be mouthing or have playing in my head that I remember the words and music to:


“Heaven” by Bryan Adams

“Sister Christian” by Night Ranger

“It’s a Long Road” by Dan Hill

“Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor

“The Search is Over” by Survivor

“What About Love?” by Heart

“These Dreams” by Heart

“Bad Moon Rising” by Creedence Clearwater Revival

“Jack and Diane” John Cougar Mellencamp

“Under the Bridge” by Red Hot Chilli Peppers

“Soul to Squeeze” by RHCP

“Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon

“In My Dreams” by REO Speedwagon

“All Through the Night” by Cyndi Lauper

“Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper

“Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler

"Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship

"We Built This City" by Starship

"Sara" by Starship

"Beat It" by Michael Jackson

"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson

"Thriller" by Michael Jackson

“Inside” by Ronnie Milsap

“Any Day Now” by Ronnie Milsap

“In the Still of the Night” by Ronnie Milsap

“It Was Almost Like a Song” by Ronnie Milsap

“I Love Rock N Roll” by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts


These are the songs I’d sing or have playing in my head IF I remembered the words and music (some I know from when I had a hearing aid):


“Unforgiven” by Metallica

“Sad But True” by Metallica

“Enter Sandman” by Metallica

“St. Elmo’s Fire” by John Parr

"Come As You Are" by Nirvana

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana

"Lithium" by Nirvana

"We Will Rock You" by Queen

"Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen

"Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

"Born in the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteen

"Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen

"Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister

“We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel

“Never Surrender” by Corey Hart

“Take On Me” by A-Ha

“Free Fallin’” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

“Queen of Hearts” by Juice Newton


It may be unusual for a deaf person to be singing, but I wasn’t born deaf. I have a voice and I did hear songs before I lost my hearing (I became deaf from meningitis). And, well, I’m an unusual kind of person. I don’t fit into any mold. So maybe it’s not so terrible for a deaf person to be singing. Used to be I got to a point where I shunned music and everything associated with it because “I’m deaf” and it’s not part of my world. But it’s a part of my past. It’s the person I used to be. And I have realized that it’s okay to let this person who sang and loves music out of her shell every once in a while. Even if I get criticism from the Deaf community for using my voice and not signing and indulging in something that “you need to be able to hear” to be a part of. Well, I’m doing this in my own way. And if the Deaf community hates on me for that, screw ‘em! I am used to having haters. Haters ain’t gonna stop me from doing what I have to do in life and what I WANT to do in life. Haters gonna hate! Let them hate. I don’t care. 


And, hey, if this is something that helps me to stay awake while I’m driving on a long road, it works for me. And I’ll do it.

The signing stranger

Because I am deaf, I usually don’t participate in social activities. Of course, I also decline these invitations because I have social anxiety. By nature, I’m a loner. I don’t like being in crowds. Being surrounded by people I don’t know. I prefer to be alone. So I don’t really socialize with people. Or communicate with people. When I am out and about, I say hello to familiar faces. I nod in recognition of others who reach out to me. But I am not attempting to be social with people. I don’t seek new friendships or to commiserate with people.

My son, however, is another story. He does like to talk to people. And while I tolerate communicating with people HE knows through his school, anybody else is pretty much off of my radar.

See, I have had years of experience of people tuning me out because of my deafness. With many, many people, they stop talking to me, or trying to communicate with me, once they learn I am deaf. They pretty much start talking to someone who is with me who can hear. And I am forgotten about.

For this reason, I don’t even TRY to talk to people anymore. I have shut people out. I am not a part of the hearing world and I probably never will be.

And after almost 12 years of living in Oregon, I have had enough exposure to people to know there are not many deaf or hard-of-hearing people in my area. And I know very few who can sign.

And it’s always a surprise when I meet someone who can sign. It’s very rare, but it happens.

It happened not too long ago when I met a Facebook friend IRL (she lives in the neighborhood). And it happened again today.

After Jesse’s gymnastics class was over, I took him to the nearby Dari Mart. I usually do this after his gymnastics class. It’s his weekly treat. Well, while we were there, I noticed Jesse getting into a conversation with someone. I figured this was a person who volunteers at his school, because we often run into such people there, so I didn’t really pay much mind to it. I did, however, keep Jesse close, and kept a watchful eye on him. Not so much on the person he was talking to.

But the person he was talking to was trying to get my attention. Finally, I looked at him, ready with the whole “I’m deaf” announcement and the typical response from him of ignoring me. But when I looked at him and nodded my hello, I was surprised to notice something: He was SIGNING!

What? Had my ignoring him tipped him off that I am deaf? Did it tell him that I had no clue what anybody was saying and therefore didn’t bother to try to keep up?

Whatever it was, he somehow knew I was deaf. I was really surprised that he knew how to sign. All of a sudden, I was interested in communicating with this person. In TALKING with this person. This person knew my language!

This person introduced himself as Erik and he said he knew how to sign because he has a daughter who is deaf. (Where IS this daughter?? How come I haven’t seen her??) Then he talked about his father, grandfather, his son and grandson. I was really intrigued. It was no nice to be able to communicate with someone who I could understand. He was a very nice person, very communicative and knowledgeable in ASL, and very friendly. And as he was leaving, he signed “I love you” to us and then he turned and was gone.

This whole experience made me smile. And it made me think: Maybe I shouldn’t shut out people so much. I always expect the worst. I always expect a person to not care, not want to communicate or anything. But this experience right here was a pleasant eye-opener. It made me realize that maybe I should give people a chance. Who knows? There might be someone out there who can sign – and who actually wants to communicate with me in a way that I can understand.

Don't tell ME "no sign language"!

As a deaf parent, sign language is, of course, a part of how I communicate with my children. My husband also uses sign to understand what our kids are saying to us. We use both sign language and lipreading to communicate with them. We sign every day. It’s just a part of how we talk to each other.

And when Jesse asked me to play a game with him today, I agreed, preparing for another round of communicating with him through sign. As he sat up the game, however, I took some time to read over the rules. My jaw dropped when I saw one rule in particular: “No sign language.”

For real????

I showed this to Jesse and commented how wrong that rule was. I guess the people who put that game together and wrote up the rules decided they didn’t want deaf people to play?

Well, despite that stupid rule, my son and I still communicated with each other through sign language as we played the game. It’s really the major way we communicate with each other: Through sign language! I am profoundly deaf and cannot use hearing aids. I either rely on lipreading or sign language or writing things down to communicate with others. Sometimes my kids sign to me what other people say. So, yeah, I DO need to use sign language for a game that relies on verbal communication.

But the thing about this that really pissed me off was that this was JUST another example of how the hearing people forget about the deaf people in this world. Some hearing people out there don’t realize that there are DEAF PEOPLE – which means WE CANNOT HEAR – out there in the world. We kind of need to use sign language for communication. We also need captioning, subtitles or an ASL interpreter signing to let us know about emergency bulletins and evacuation procedures.

There are hearing people in this world and there are deaf people, too. It would be nice if more hearing people would remember us deaf people and the types of communication accommodations that we need. This includes sign language.

So even if a game says we can’t use sign language, well, that’s too bad. Because as far as me and my family goes, well, we sort of need to use sign language. It’s just one of the ways that we talk to each other.