LGBT and ... G?

I don’t like labels. There, got that off my chest! Phew! But I realize that we DO live in a world of labels. As unfortunate as it is, every human being on this planet has some kind of label hanging over their heads. “White.” “Black.” “Fat.” “Thin.” “Smart.” “Slow.” “Christian.” “Jew.” And there are lots others: “Rich” and “Handicapped” and “Lesbian” and "Scientist."

We humans use labels on things in order to prevent chaos. It's a way of identifying and socializing with each other. The kind of people who love to organize EVERYTHING with label-makers in order to know where everything is come to mind. In a way, we are all labeled as such in order to be allocated to some mental group or another. “Oh, that’s my gay friend.” “Oh, that’s my Christian friend.” “Oh, that’s my super-hottie friend.” We don’t say these labels out loud but it’s how we recognize other people, because these “invisible labels” are a part of their identity. It is who they are and we must recognize them as such. It is how we know not to expect them to understand a language, a term or an experience because we know they do not speak Japanese, they do not work in the scientific field or they are not a parent. After all, it would be inappropriate to expect a Jewish friend to participate in Christmas activities, right? So, we have these labels to acknowledge a person’s identity and relate to them in due order.

I myself have labels. I am “handicapped” because I am deaf and I have a physical disability on account of my left hand. I am a “stay-at-home mom” because I am currently unemployed. I am a “college dropout” because I didn’t finish college. (And right about here, I’m thinking that at least some labels are not permanent. After all, I was once a Christian – and labeled as much – but I am no longer a Christian.)

Now, all of that said, I began to think about something my daughter has been going through lately. (I’ll talk more about that after I have more information.) And I was struck with a question: Is there a difference between transgender and genderfluid? (Again, totally related to something going on today!)  I spoke about “genderfluid” in a previous blog post so if you’re not sure on what it is, have a read. When I had that question, I started digging around on the Internet to find an answer. I didn’t want to ask one person. I didn’t want to post this question on Facebook hoping to get an answer there. I wanted to poke around on the World Wide Web. I wanted to see what the world at large was saying about that. If there really IS a difference. And if other people are even asking this question, too.

Turns out, they are. And, there is! There is indeed a difference between transgender and genderfluid. (I actually identify as genderfluid and my daughter does too. Heck, I believe that EVERY HUMAN has two genders, but that’s for a whole ‘nother blog post.) Being transgender means going from one gender, the one you are born into, to the other gender, and it’s a permanent change. But with being genderfluid, you can go from male to female and back again. Neither is permanent.

But, sadly, the whole genderfluid thing is not as commonly known about. And it doesn’t seem to be all that widely accepted. I know and very strongly feel that we are all of two genders. I feel that it is a natural part of the human experience to be genderfluid just because of that. Not only do I feel that we should have more awareness about it, but I also feel that it should be right in that mix of letters right there. As in: “LGBTG.” Because being genderfluid is a very real thing and I think it deserves a bit of recognition.

Well, maybe not everyone is going to agree with me on that one. But, yeah, the whole “genderfluid” thing needs to be in the spotlight a little bit more. People need to be talking about it a little bit more. And it’s my hope that, one day in the future, it will be accepted a little bit more.   

Don't call it what you want

I have said it before and I'll say it again: Labels suck!

How damaging can it be when someone is just casually living life, being herself and doing her own thing, only to suddenly have a label planted on her and now all of a sudden she doesn't know who she is anymore? Very damaging, apparently. So damaging that it caused said person to suddenly be so confused about herself that she had to go to counseling.

Said person happens to be my daughter.

For the longest time, my daughter has been a tomboy. TOMBOY. It's a word. We've been using this word for years to describe girls who are not very girly. You know these girls: They dress like boys, they talk like boys, they do "boy stuff" and play with "boy toys" (although, in MY house, we DO NOT have such distinctions!). You know, they prefer guy friends over girl friends. They'd rather play basketball instead of doing their nails.

And for the longest time, girls were cool about being a "tomboy." Even though it's a LA-BEL. But we went with it because that's a pretty accurate and not-so-complicated a description of the kind of person we were. It was a flexible description – and that's why it worked.

And I was a tomboy. I wore jeans and flannels, hung out with guys, played B-ball and all that. I just related to guys better. (I STILL relate to guys better!) So I know all about it.

That's why it didn't bother me at all that my daughter was also a tomboy. I was totally cool with it and I still am.

But, now, all of a sudden, we can't use the word "tomboy" anymore. Now we call such people "gender fluid." And apparently, that's a VERY complicated person to be, because being called "gender fluid" means you are someone who is CONFUSED about yourself, CONFUSED about who you are and CONFUSED about how you are supposed to live life.

I can only shake my head and think, Seriously?

This is why I hate labels. Labels just make life COMPLICATED. I mean, when somebody labels you, all of a sudden you have to fit into this mold and be what the label says you must be. You can't be you, you have to be what this label SAYS you must be. You. Must. Blend in!!

Excuse me while I get up on my soapbox and scream: STOP THE INSANITY!!

WHY do we have to attach labels to people? Why must we look at someone and automatically label them?

"Oh, she's wearing a crucifix. She must be a Christian."

"Oh, he's got his black hair up and all wild. He must be a Goth."

"Oh, she's wearing a Yale sweatshirt. She musta gone to YALE!"

I mean, the labeling thing gets really out of hand. It's like we can't live a certain way anymore, talk a certain way anymore, or dress a certain way anymore without someone coming around and slapping a label on us.

I for one don't buy this whole "gender fluid" thing. I mean, if it's just another way of calling a girl a "tomboy" or a guy "metrosexual," then FINE. But I'm not okay with it if it is going to mess up somebody's life and suddenly make them feel uncomfortable to be who they are just because they don't fit a mold. If they’re gender fluid, then cool! Be okay with that. Embrace that. But don’t let it shatter your world and make you confused about who you are.

I, personally, think that from time to time, the male gender and the female gender will tend to dominate for a while. You know? At the very minimum, we do not have a gender. It's all based on the scientific composition of our bodies. We are born a gender but we’ll feel the opposite on the inside. A guy will act feminine because the female gender is dominant. Or, a girl will act masculine because the male gender is dominant. It's NORMAL. And it's not permanent. It can last a long time, yes, but it's not permanent. And it can suddenly happen at any point in life. It’s normal for this to happen and it’s totally okay.

That is what I feel. That is what I believe.

And that is what I have been trying to explain to my daughter. There's no reason to be confused about your identity. You are 13 and don't have all the answers right now. Just be you. Be yourself. Keep doing your thing and live the way that is comfortable for YOU, and not how other people preaching "gender fluid" say you should be.

Don't try to be someone you are not just because you have been labeled. Don't give up on who you are just for the sake of trying to fit into some mold.

Be true to yourself. Be yourself. And be happy with it. Please.

LATER: Jen and I sat down to a good long talk and I shared with her many of the things I have written here. She seems to feel more certain about herself and a little better. That gives me hope that she'll be okay.