The two times that we almost lost Rowena

My daughter, Trevor, has 2 pet rats: Salazar and Rowena. Sometimes I call Rowena "Ro." Trevor got Salazar first and then Rowena. Trevor is a huge Harry Potter fan (known as a “Potterhead”) and so Trevor wanted to get 4 rats named after the four founders of the houses of Hogwarts: Salazar Slytherin, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff and Godric Gryffindor. So far, we just have Salazar and Rowena. Rowena is currently 1 ½ years old.

We all love the ratties. Both my husband and I each had a pet rat when we were younger, so a pet rat is not unknown to us. We have all enjoyed their company, their quirks, their curiosities and their personalities. Rowena is certainly different from Salazar, even in the foods he eats! And while Rowena is female in the HP fandom, this Rowena we have is a male.

One of the things we do when the rats are out of their cages is allow them to wander around on the computer desk while someone is working there. They either walk around on the desk or sit on our lap or hang out on our shoulder as we are at work on the computer. There are MANY times I have been at the desk writing while one of the rats was just chilling out near the keyboard or on my shoulder. (They LOVED going into the hood of my hoodie!) We often played classical music for them via Youtube on the computer while we had another window open with whatever we were working on.

This is how it was a few weeks ago, when I was writing on the computer, Beethoven was playing on the speaker, and Rowena was chilling out near the console. But at one point I stopped typing and looked at him. He didn’t look right while he was breathing. I called Trevor over and asked, “Is he supposed to be breathing like that?” He was really struggling to breathe, his whole chest huffing and puffing. Trevor examined him and assumed he was fine. I assumed he was okay, too, but still, I worried.

A few days later, Trevor informed me that she’d made an appointment for Rowena to see the vet. She did say she was concerned about his breathing but he was also acting lethargic, barely eating, barely drinking and not taking interest in anything. So we took Rowena to the vet.

And we got some bad news.

The vet who examined him said that Rowena either had a harsh case of pneumonia or cancer. The pneumonia was treatable, but the cancer? Well, they could try giving him medical care for it, but if it was cancer, it would spread quickly and Rowena would suffer before being cured – if that was even a possibility. (I didn’t know rats could even get cancer!) We could give Rowena antibiotics to treat the pneumonia, but if he wasn’t better in a few days, that meant it was cancer. And if it WAS cancer, it was decided that he would be put down.

We were both very upset about this. We both sat there crying and just trying to process WHY this was happening. Rowena was so young. I DID NOT like the idea of putting him down at such a young age.

So we took Rowena back home and started him on the antibiotics. He refused to drink the water that the medicine was in so I had to hold him while Trevor made him drink the water. She told me that I’d have to do this again tomorrow while she was at school. The plan was to give him the medicine water 4 times a day.

So that’s what we did. And we waited.

Thankfully, the next day, Rowena did not put up a fight when I had to give him the water. In fact, he drank it down greedily. I texted Trevor about this and she started to feel hopeful that that meant he was getting better.

And, well, he WAS – for a while. The only problem was, the breathing problem continued. I guessed it would just take a little while longer for that to clear up.

But the Day of Reckoning came. The day that would determine if Rowena had pneumonia or cancer.

But since we saw an improvement, we surmised it must not be cancer. He WAS getting better. He was moving around AND eating again.

Then sometime after THAT, I found Trevor in her room with a Q-tip in hand and removing stuff from Rowena’s ear. Later, she told me there was pus coming out of Rowena’s ear. It was his right ear. And on the right side of his head was a tiny bump.

Now, I didn’t know about this, but when we were at the vet, the vet DID see the bump and mentioned it to Trevor. They did talk about it but I don’t remember exactly what was said. I am not sure if even “tumor” was brought up here.

But now that it was a topic of discussion again, and I was more aware of it now, we did consider the possibility that the bump was a tumor. And if it was leaking pus, that was Very Bad.

So we were back to keeping a watchful eye on Rowena. Meanwhile, he was still drinking the medicine water — and still having breathing problems. And now, at this point, he was starting to take a turn for the worse. Again. He once again refused to eat, became very weak and he even appeared disoriented.

We started to assume that at this point, the bump must be a tumor and that Rowena likely had cancer. I did think it might’ve been an abscess, but I was not sure if that was possible with pus coming out of his ear.

So it was decided that Rowena would be put down. Trevor called the vet and the appointment was set. We were all really saddened, stressed out and even a little angry. But we mostly kept it together as we made our last days with our little furry friend count.

Today was supposed to be the day that Rowena died. Today would have been the last day that Rowena lived.

It was a pretty sad day for a while there. I mean, the day started out good – even though it was Day 2 that my son was home from school, still sick – but it started good and then the reality of The Day set in and I started feeling pretty sad. I spent some time with Rowena. I was saddened that this was his last day alive and I just prayed for him a lot. Jesse spent time with him, too, since he was at home. We took him outside so he could experience some sunshine and walk around in the grass and explore underneath Trevor’s tree. We took A LOT of pictures. I also set up the paper bag on the table for him so he could hunker inside there (something he always loved to do) and I also let him explore a shelf of one of the bookcases. (He’s always so curious about books!) Then I just sat with him on my chest, petting him and telling him how much we loved him and that we would miss him.

Basically, I just said goodbye to him.

Jesse spent time with him, too. He held Rowena and talked to him. He made a paper heart colored red that said "goodbye" on it. He played some Beethoven music for Ro at the desk and also allowed him to walk along the keys on the keyboard so he could "write" something just like we do. (He wrote a very interesting something!)

Then the time came when Trevor and her dad got home and Trevor got him ready to go to the vet. We spent time with him together giving him cuddles and saying goodbye. We took more pictures, too. It was a very sad time.

After they left, Jesse went to play a game on the computer and I went into the bathroom to cry. (I don’t like crying in front of the kids and I knew I had to be strong for them, especially Trevor, who would hurt the most from this.) Then I came out of the bathroom thinking I was done crying but after I sat on the couch, more tears came to my eyes and I very discreetly cried a little more. I sat there pretending I was watching TV but I was really thinking about Rowena and crying about the situation.

Then I got a text message that stopped my tears. It was from Trevor. The message was in all caps – that’s the first thing I noticed – and there were 4 of them in total. I opened them and started reading. And I started to get excited and crying out with joy.

Apparently, Rowena was examined by another vet, and he DID NOT have cancer! The bump on his head WAS an abscess!! He also had an ear infection, a respiratory infection, AND some kind of skin infection. He was pretty much REALLY sick but not deathly ill. He COULD be treated! HE WOULD LIVE!!

Trevor told me they were draining the abscess and starting Rowena on antibiotics to treat the infections AND help with the pain he was in. And they were going to be sending Rowena back home – ALIVE.

I was just so very, very grateful. I kept saying “Thank you, God!” and I was so relieved and just HAPPY that Rowena would live. There was just so much gratitude and relief and joy I felt at that time.

I was excited to see Rowena again when he was brought home, alive, and looked a lot better now that the bump was gone. He still had breathing trouble, but he was moving around more now. I once again helped when Trevor administered antibiotics and I reminded Trevor to keep tabs on when we had to give him the medicines again and also when he’d received medicine.

But Rowena is still with us. He is still in our family. That is two times that he dodged the bullet. They say “third strike and you’re out” and I hope it will be a very long time before Death comes knocking for a third attempt to take Rowena away. In the meantime, we are going to cherish his presence in our lives even more and appreciate his company. I am so thankful he is still here!

The big scare

 Rowena at the vet

Earlier this week, my daughter asked me to give her a ride so that she could take one of her pet rats, Rowena, to the vet. Before then, I had noticed that Rowena was breathing differently. It really did not look like he was breathing normally. I came to find out he was also lethargic and not really eating so much, either. So I agreed to take Trevor to the vet so that the rat could be examined.

We got bad news from the vet. We were told that Rowena either had a harsh case of pneumonia or cancer. The vet advised that the best thing to do would be to euthanize him if it was cancer because the treatment period would be long and he would suffer from that disease during that time. She also said they had medicine for Rowena to take for the next couple of days to treat the pneumonia – if that was what he was indeed sick with. In the event the medicine did not help him, it meant he had cancer. That would mean putting him down – which is ultimately the choice that Trevor made. She did NOT want Rowena to suffer.

We were pretty upset about this news and crying a little about it. Rowena had only been with us for a year and a half. We got him when he was a baby. It was hard to accept the possibility of losing him so soon.

I convinced Trevor to try the medicine first and see if Rowena got better. So they gave us the medicine and we let them know we would schedule an appointment if we had to go with euthanasia.

That evening, I ran to the pet store to buy more rat food, rat bedding and also rat treats. (I was feeling pretty sad and wanted to spoil Rowena.) Also, Trevor put the medicine in Rowena’s water and we just hoped for the best. Jesse was very upset by this news and we spent the evening huddled around our furry friend.

Now all we could do was wait to see if the medicine worked.

Unfortunately, Rowena would not drink the water. We had to force him to drink it.

The next morning, I was really upset about all this going on. I was sad but also angry. WHY did this have to happen?? Rowena was so young. It wasn’t fair. We were not ready to let him go and we loved him so much.

Later that day, I had to give Rowena the water while Trevor was at school. This time, I did not have to force him to drink the water. He drank the water on his own. He even wanted more water when I tried to move the bottle away. He also ate.

I was very heartened by this and let Trevor know. She was also excited and thought that Rowena was doing better. Indeed, he was. He still had trouble breathing but he was eating and drinking water now and moving around.

Later on in the day, Trevor told me Rowena was doing more better. I was so glad!

Today was the day we would have had to decide whether or not Rowena would be euthanized. Thankfully, we did not have to make that decision; he is recovering, and that means he doesn’t have cancer. He is doing better and the medicine is helping him. Thank God! (And thank you to everyone on FB who prayed for him and sent good vibes!) Still, Trevor wants to take him back to the vet next week to get examined again and just to make sure that Rowena is in the all-clear. I am just relieved he is not as bad as he was before.

We are all relieved Rowena is getting better now. This scare really created a lot of tension, stress and anxiety for us. I was really NOT looking forward to having to say goodbye to our furry friend just yet. I am so very grateful he is getting better and getting his strength back.

I hope the next time we take Rowena to the vet, we will have better news about his health.

Going through a LEEP

Towards the end of last year, my annual Pap revealed that I had cervical dysplasia. This is an accumulation of abnormal cells on the cervix which can, if not treated, lead to cervical cancer. This was a result of my having the HPV (the doctor said I’d probably had HPV for a long time). Treatment for this condition is a called a Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure (LEEP). During this procedure, the doctor removes the abnormal cells from the cervix. There is no guarantee this will prevent a recurrence – in fact, a recurrence of the HPV could happen, and there are alternative treatments available for when that time comes.

After I did my own research on the LEEP, I freaked out because it looked so invasive and even a little painful. I took this situation to Facebook, where my family and friends came together to offer support, encouragement and ideas. Some of them even shared their own stories of similar procedures. This really helped a lot. I went and got a second opinion, as one suggested, and received the same medical advice. I looked into alternative treatments and did A LOT of soul searching on this whole thing. (It’s scary when you have to go through something that LOOKS like it will hurt and you can’t really know what to expect.) I even talked with someone who has gone through this, too. I talked with my husband, as well.

And all the while, I had a reminder hanging over me: If I did not treat this thing, I’ll have cancer. So it was either go through with this thing and face the laser or go through chemotherapy!

I was a little disappointed that going through with the LEEP meant that I could not have more children all too soon (I had hoped to have at least one more), but I let that go in the end. I am just grateful for the two children I DO have. (My doctor said it takes 2 years for the cervix to heal completely from a LEEP. Future pregnancies are not advised because the cervix would not be able to close all the way and the baby would likely end up being born pre-term.) 

So I decided to go through with it. Just get it over with.

During the week of the procedure, however, I was starting to stress out. I was really nervous, stressed and just really uncomfortable about it. I tried to distract myself with wrapping up some last-minute business but was not able to get some things done in time. So I spent the rest of the week just enjoying things and connecting with people. Watching movies, playing with the kids and reading. But as the day drew closer, I got REALLY stressed all over again. And again, I hit Facebook. Again, friends and family offered their support and encouragement. One of them even brought a bit of humor to the table.
(Thank you so much, guys! You are awesome! Love you all!) On the day of the procedure, I was actually in a good mood. I totally had a “let’s DO this!” attitude about what lay ahead. (I really believe the Facebook purge is what did it. I had to get that stuff OUT of my system. Thank God I have such understanding and supportive family and friends!! Their comments really helped a lot.) I guess it helped that something funny happened that morning and I kept chuckling about it later on. It just lightened the mood!

At my appointment, the interpreter, nurse and doctor were in a preppy mood, too. The doctor even made a joke about the machine she would be using.

Now, I had thought all this time that the procedure would hurt. But you know what? It didn’t. The procedure itself DID NOT HURT. It was when the doc used the speculum on me and gave me the shot for the local anesthetic that hurt. (Well, in the first instance, she readjusted it and it was just uncomfortable.) But it did not hurt at all. It actually felt a little strange. The anesthetic made me a little dazed and shaky, but other than that, it was not entirely terrible.

After it was over with, though, THAT was the ordeal. I was a little shaky until the anesthetic wore off (and I’m glad my husband was able to drive me home). I was also a little clumsy if I tried to walk around or do things. It was better for me to just stay in bed and rest. There was some pain, but Tylenol helped take care of that pain. The next day I was a little disoriented and slow (I had this whole ‘My God, what HAPPENED to me??’ kinda feeling), but the pain was not as severe.

And today, two days after the procedure, I feel normal again. Well, mostly normal. I still need to take it easy for a couple of weeks and go slow until the area they worked on is completely healed (2 weeks), but other than that, I am coherent and have more energy again. I still have this whole “I survived a LEEP! Yay!” kinda feeling, and the Very Big Thing is that I feel soooo much better that I don’t have to worry about cervical cancer anymore. Well, for now, anyway. That is such a huge weight off of my shoulders. If there is a recurrence, we’ll deal with it in that time. But for now, I’m celebrating missing the Cancer Bullet.

Doctor, impossible

Today, it finally happened: I FINALLY got to talk to my doctor! After over a month of getting the runaround and NOT getting any answers about a medical situation I am in, I finally, FINALLY had a sit-down with my doc to talk about the situation. To ask her all of my questions and express to her all of my concerns. I had some complications because of the last medical procedure I went through, and these complications lasted for over a month. In fact, I was finally pain-free on Christmas Day. (That was certainly a nice Christmas present!) But, you know, it scared me, and I was frustrated because I could NOT talk to my doctor over the phone about what was going on. That was just aggravating!

So I told her that today. I also told her that I was stressed out by this other procedure she wants me to have. I told her that I looked this thing up on Google and saw these pictures of what happens AFTER the procedure and those were NOT nice pictures. I told her when I saw those pictures, that “it freaked me out!” I even had a panic attack – and I don’t have those very often. Every time I called to speak to her about it, though, I was given a nurse to talk to instead. I talked to 3 nurses and they each told me “the doctor says you need to have this procedure” and nothing more. I got a second opinion; was told the same thing.

None of this seemed to concern my doctor, though. She just didn’t care about the anxiety or stress that threw me into. She only said that my “disability,” my deafness, makes it hard for her to communicate with me, and that in-person contact was better.

How hard is it to pick up the phone and answer a few questions????

Now, I did not blow up at her about the whole “I can’t talk to you over the phone because you are deaf” thing (I do use relay), but I have been stewing over it since. Everybody else at that place talked to me on the phone. Why couldn’t she?? I mean, she’s my DOCTOR! A doctor should be THERE when a patient really needs her! And she’s been my doctor over 5 years. It’s not like she doesn’t know me at all.

I am just glad I was able to express all of my concerns to her at my appointment today. I am also glad I FINALLY got answers to my questions. I am still a little angry that her avoidance of talking to me at all put me through all that stress, but I know I need to let that go. I’m going to let it go because I don’t want her to be my doctor anymore. I want a doctor I can actually COMMUNICATE with. We have relay to ensure a deaf person can talk with a hearing person over the phone. You know, it’s not all that hard. But she didn’t even TRY.

All the same, I decided to go through with the procedure. My doctor said, “You’re 39. You’re healthy. You don’t smoke. There’s no reason not to do this.”

If I don’t do this, it will lead to cancer. That’s a guarantee. So I have to go through with it. Just get it over with.

I was stressed about it because I’ve never been through it before, but the good news is that my ASL interpreter at the appointment has. She HAS been through this. I am sooooo grateful she was there and that she took the time to tell me what it’s like and talk to me about it. That helped me feel a lot better. She definitely talked all about it and told me what I can expect from it. She echoed my doctor’s sentiment that it was a small thing and not as big of a procedure as I made it out to be. I’ll be out of there in 45 minutes. She said, “You've had two kids. If you can get through giving birth to a baby, you can get through this. This is nothing.”

I joked that I guess after a woman has given birth to a baby, she can do anything. We had a good laugh over that. (She’s had four!)

Well, I feel much better now and I am grateful that all of that stress, anxiety, confusion and frustration have permanently been quashed. I know I have some changes to make soon. I just hope I can find another doctor that is a little more deaf-friendly.

Lessons learned in 2013

It may be cliched, but looking back on a year when it comes to an end to see what we’ve accomplished and what we’ve learned is actually a pretty good thing to do. Every time a year comes to an end, I have to ask myself, what did I manage to do this year? How have I made life better? What do I still need to do? How can I grow in the new year? What kind of things did I fail to do this year that I could try to do again in the next?

One question I usually did not ask myself, though, was this: What kind of lessons have I learned this year?

This, above all else, is an important question to ask. And I’ve certainly learned a few lessons this year. They are lessons that are definitely going to have an impact on certain decisions I’ll be making in the new year.

I have learned: It’s important to take care of myself. This year, I certainly DID NOT take care of myself. I have been sad and depressed for quite some time, and I know this sadness comes from certain choices that I regret. But I let that sadness, regret, anger at myself and the depression get to be too bad and I just didn’t take care of myself that well this year. I hated myself and it got to where I wished I was dead. That is how bad it was. So it is a good thing that I had this cancer scare. It made me wake up and realize that I was on a path of self-destruction. I had to be kinder to myself and stop beating myself up over the past. I have to learn to forgive myself and be my own best friend. So I need to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and psychologically. I need to get rid of bad habits and welcome things that will make me a better person. (So far, I have managed to get rid of one bad habit and I feel pretty good about that!)

I have learned: Sometimes we have to be a little bit selfish to get what we want in life. I know I have allowed other people to influence my choices and have too much control over decisions I have made. It’s time to put a stop to that! I can’t let others decide what I should do with my body and my life. Because they are MY body and MY life! I’m the one who has to live it! So I really think it’s time to step back and just be a little bit selfish about certain choices in my life. I need to do that in a really big way. There are some things I KNOW I want in my life, and some people, too. Why keep putting things off? Why keep tolerating being without certain people we WANT in our lives? And those we don’t want? It just doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. And here again we have that cancer scare playing a role. I just realized, you know, why keep putting these things off? Why keep WAITING? Why keep HOPING? Just do it now. All we have is right now, and if it takes being selfish to go after something, then we gotta be selfish. I know certain people may not agree with what I want to do next year and a lot of people won’t like it. But I really think it’s time for me to get back on course for Dawn’s Life, and not other people’s life. People are gonna say what people are gonna say. What’s important is that I keep doing what I WANT to be doing with my life.

I have learned: Change is good. I saw a change in how I was handling my being an author. I also became a publisher. I was scared to death to get into publishing, but I did it and, thanks to the help of my friends along the way, it was a success. And I couldn’t be happier that I got past that fear and got to where I am now. I definitely feel more confident when it comes to publishing books, and that’s going to help a lot given what I plan to do next year. I was scared at first, but I got over that fear and made it. I also saw change in how I managed things with books being self-pubbed this year. I like that change, too.

I have learned: We need to hold onto the people who matter. Hold onto the people who actually care. I have been paying close attention to the people in my life who have been there and who have not. The people who wouldn’t give me the time of day and those who would drop everything to help. I have to be very careful and very selective of who I allow to be in my circle. Who I allow to be my friend. I have been hurt too many times by people I thought I could trust, or was supposed to be able to trust. I have had too many so-called “friends” treat me like crap and only remember me when they needed something. Or people who are judgmental, dishonest and not trustworthy. No more of that! I can’t keep tolerating the fake friends, the people who have thrown potshots my way and the people who constantly have me on “Ignore.” Same goes for people who take my presence for granted. Because, you know what? You’re either for real, or you’re not. And I have noticed the people in my life who are For Real. The ones who are there, who actually talk to me, the ones who call me their friend and act like it. I am not going to waste my time on fake friends or fake people anymore. Life is too short and we need to keep the people who matter within arm’s reach while we live it.

I have learned: We can’t live life indoors. There is too much of the whole wide world out there just waiting for us to explore it! Part of the reason why I stayed home whenever possible was because I was too comfortable being at home. And I’m not comfortable anymore. Yes, I know I have a senior dog with failing health who does not have much time left, but I also know I just gotta get Out There some more. I need to go ride a bike, go hiking, go fishing, take long walks and just Get. Outside. We are not meant to live our lives holed up in our homes and constantly glued to our computers or TVs. We are meant to get out there into the world and live life! Otherwise, how will we meet people? How will we see this beautiful world God created? How will we find out where that path goes? We won’t unless we actually get outside and take that path or travel that road. I know I have a lot going on that requires time at the computer, but I am working something out where I won’t be at the computer 8-10 hours every day 365 days a year. No more of that! It’s time to get out of the house more often and see all the stuff that’s out there. This is one valuable lesson I have learned this year and this lesson, like the others, will definitely have an impact on changes I’ll be making in the new year.

Here’s to a better, happier and wiser 2014!

It's time to focus on Christmas again

Sometimes in life, we go about our day like all is right with the world. We never expect for life to throw a curve ball or for something to come around and knock us off our feet. That’s pretty much what happened with me recently. For the past several weeks, I have been asking myself one question: Do I have cancer?

It started out with an annual exam gone wrong. It got worse when I had to go through a procedure and my doctor was saying she didn’t like what she saw. Unfortunately, my doctor did not explain much else. She did answer some questions, but she didn’t tell me exactly what was wrong. And I kind of needed to know exactly what was wrong. Thing of it is, there is a “cancer cloud” hanging over my family. My mom had cancer twice – though it was not cancer that took her life in the end. So we in the family are aware that cancer might strike one of us again. It did actually strike one of my sisters. Some of my cousins and aunts have had or are currently fighting some kind of cancer right now. So we know it is THERE.

And that’s why I was freaking out, stressing out and literally panicking over the possibility that I might have cancer.

What made the situation worse was that my doctor was NOT telling me anything. She was not communicating with me at all. She just said “you need to get this done” and that was it. I had to find out on my own what exactly it is I am dealing with, and the heck of it is that it took me a long time to figure it out. I didn’t know what to even look for!

And that was pretty stressful, right there. Every day I woke up I wondered, Am I going to get sick today? I started asking that question an awful lot when I finally learned what it is that I have and that it CAN lead to cancer. But apparently not anytime soon since my doctor thinks it's okay to have this procedure next month instead of next week. But I still wondered and it was a scary thought to carry around.

Thankfully, I have some wonderfully supportive and amazing friends and family who have been there for me during this whole mess. They are awesome! Everyone has been sharing their experiences, offering advice, being a shoulder to lean on and just being there to talk to about all this. I am so grateful to them all.

But still, I’ve been upset I wasn’t getting answers. I got a second opinion, as many suggested, and was told the same thing. I have considered getting another doctor because this lack of communication is not altogether something I am okay with. But, finally, in the end, I decided to make ONE last attempt to try to get through to my doctor and make my concerns known. I told them straight out today that I am not going to just blindly go through something just because the doctor says I should. I said I would NOT talk to a nurse – I’ve already talked to THREE nurses and they were NO HELP – and I was frustrated because everybody was just brushing off my concerns. But finally, they said, okay, you can come in and have a sit-down with the doctor. And I made sure this appointment was scheduled before the procedure my doctor wants me to go through.

It’s not that I don’t trust my doctor, I just want to know what’s going on. I also want to know why she isn’t telling me what’s going on. And since I had complications after the last medical procedure, I needed to make this VERY CLEAR to her that I don’t think I am healing properly and I am concerned that I’ll drop dead, or something.

So I feel that I really need to do this. I am glad I will be able to do this, but it won’t happen until after New Year’s.

That’s okay. I’m fine with that. I am so done with all of this stress, this worry and confusion. I don’t want that anymore. It’s Christmas, for God’s sakes! A time to be happy and not so stressed out.

So since I won’t see the doc until AFTER Christmas, I have decided I’ll just put this situation away for a little while. No more stress, no more worry. I’m going to just enjoy Christmas and have fun baking with my children, opening presents with my children and ringing in the new year with my children. I will just push all that business away for a while and start focusing on Christmas again.

It only comes once a year, you know.

This thing I am going through, this medical situation, it won’t really have anything happen until after Christmas. So I think I’m going to just get on with my life and live like there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, and enjoy these wintry holidays.

Just because I'm happy doesn't mean I don't care

They say you should never assume something, because then you end up “making an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.” But still, people assume. It seems like people can’t stop assuming things, especially about people. What’s tragic is that they tend to believe their assumptions are true. Never mind trying to see if it is true. They’re gonna go ahead and believe it is true! This has happened so many times with me. People have made assumptions about me. I hate it when people make assumptions about me. But what I hate even more is when they believe those assumptions.

Case in point: This situation with my mother. She has had cancer for a long time, and lately, it has gotten worse. Thing of it is, I have not seen my mother for YEARS. I thought it was four years. But now I think it’s been three years. Anyway, it’s been a long time. And with her cancer getting worse, her health deteriorating and things not looking so good, the pressure is on EVERYONE – all seven of her children – to see her before she goes. To be there with her.

I have no argument with that. In fact, I agree with it.

The problem is that it seems like one of my sisters thinks that I don’t. Somehow or another, she thinks that just because I don’t jump into a car or onto a plane to go out to Illinois from Oregon, I don’t give a crap that my mother is dying.

Or the fact that I’m apparently “happy” with life. So happy that I can continue to work as if I don’t have a care in the world. Or take care of my children. Write books. LIVE MY LIFE.

Excuse me, when did it become law that EVERYONE is supposed to stop living their lives just because their mother is dying?

And I may not act all sad or dramatic or cry all the time. But that’s just because I decided one day I’m NOT going to live like that anymore. I have already been there, already done that. I won't go back to that. I decided one day, you know, I’m not going to be sad anymore.

But then I went from being sad to being ANGRY. Whoa, was I angry! I was screaming a lot. Stomping around a lot. Wearing a bitter look on my face all the time. Drinking really bad, too.

That was a path of self-destruction. The anger was just tearing me apart. I was angry because my mother has cancer, that the cancer is obviously winning the battle, angry I couldn’t see her and even angrier that I might not see her before she dies.

That anger was just really tearing me apart. It made me into a bad person. I didn’t like that person, either. I CHOSE to be happy instead of angry. I’m done with being sad. And I’m done with being angry.

I choose to be happy, right here and right now. Even as my mother is slowly slipping away from all of us and I can’t see her. I won’t put my life on hold for that. I have seen what letting that get to me does. It hurt me and it hurt the children. All of that sadness – walking around the house crying and being depressed all the time – and all of that anger – the screaming and stomping around – it was making life miserable for all of us.

So I said, no more. No more of that. I want to be happy. And I want my children to be happy.

But because I have made this decision, now people are thinking, “Gee, Dawn’s mother is dying, and she just doesn’t seem to care anymore.”

WRONG!!!

I DO care. I DO give a shit, contrary to what one of my sister’s thinks, who said in a message to me yesterday, “I ASSUME you give a shit.” I’m just tired of people talking to me like I DON’T.

I CANNOT let this thing with my mother get to me that way anymore. I CAN. NOT!

YES, I AM trying to get enough money together so we can go see her. You people will have to accept the fact that I won’t travel to my mother without the children. If I go, they go. That. Is. That.

YES, I care about what is going on with my mother. I DO CARE! So don’t you people dare treat me like I don’t. I DO!! I just have my own way of showing it.

I pray for her every day. I support her and her fight against this killer disease. I love her more than any words could ever say. I DO make an effort to call her as often as I can – if by some miracle, my calls get through over there. Or somebody answers the damn phone. And if by some miracle I have a CHANCE to call her. You know, life can get pretty dang busy for me on my end. Some people just don’t get it how much work I do taking care of the kids, the house, running errands and TRYING to write all in one day. I have responsibilities, people. I can’t sit at the computer 24/7. I call when I can.

And unlike some people, I don’t have the luxury of grabbing the children and jumping into the car to drive back and forth from Oregon and Illinois. I am not blessed with the gift to snap my fingers and make enough money for travel to magically appear in my hand. You do know it takes money to travel, right???

I DO care about what is going on with my mother. But I will NOT allow this to tear my life apart. I am NOT going to act like my mother is dead NOW – because she is NOT dead! She is ALIVE! I am going to live as though she is alive, because she IS alive!

And while she is alive, I will be happy that she is alive. I will thank God Almighty that another day is here that my mother is alive. I won’t live as though she is dead. I want to be happy. And I want my children to be happy, too. I want us ALL to be happy and enjoy the fact that Carol Colclasure is living for another day! Instead of us all being sad with this…”cancer cloud” hanging over our heads.

And meanwhile, we, on this end, are doing what we can to make arrangements to go be with her before she is gone. Believe me, it IS on the “to do” list. It IS a priority. I KNOW we need to go see her. We WILL go see her. It’s going to happen.

So please don’t treat me like I don’t care. Because I do.

Peace out!


UPDATE: As of today, the doctors have revealed that my mother's cancer is GONE!! SHE IS NOW OFFICIALLY CANCER-FREE!!!! Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!! Praise God! All of our prayers have been answered!!!!!

Allison and her Nana

When I learned that family member, Allison, had a story to share about breast cancer, I put together the following questions. Her grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer when Allison was at a young age. Her story helped me to see how her parents handled the situation with her being so young and what kinds of feelings and concerns she must have felt at such an age.

Like Allison, I was young when I heard that a relative was diagnosed with breast cancer, and the updates on this relative's progress were filtered by my mother as she talked with the relative's mother on the phone. I remember being scared and wishing I knew more about what was going on. My mother did not go into detail about my relative's treatment. Thankfully, this relative survived.

As a parent, I understand the need to be careful with how much is told to a child when a close relative is battling such a life-threatening disease. A lot of breast cancer information spread around can imply that it is not a disease many survive and this can be scary to a child. This can cause the child to be fearful of the outcome when someone they love is diagnosed.

Fortunately, Allison's story has a happy ending. Her grandmother survived breast cancer. She and her grandmother are closer because of this experience. Not only was it an educational experience for the both of them, but also a life-changing one.

Below are Allison's answers to my questions.


1. How old were you when you learned of your grandmother's diagnosis of breast cancer? How did you handle the news?

I was about 8 years old when I got the call and found everything out.
I was very educated and mature for that age, so I knew what it meant.


2. What do you know about the kind of treatment she received? Either during the early stages or later stages.

The treatment that I know about was that she qualified for the removal
of her whole left breast because the cancer hadn't spread anywhere
else. Back then, the new law hadn't passed yet about breast
reconstruction being something doctors were obligated to offer and
fulfill if the patient desired. What I know that she was offered was a
prosthetic breast which she did take. I just know that it was very
heavy and she moved on to a cloth prosthetic.


3. How were you able to support her and be there for her while she was receiving treatment?

At first, I didn't support her. I was so young and I was instantly
afraid of her possible death, because to me hearing that someone had
cancer, it meant they were dying. It was all over shortly, and she had
recovered fine, so I was just happy for her that she survived.


4. In what way did you and your family connect on an emotional level while your grandmother was battling breast cancer? In what ways did you cope?

I wasn't told much because I was too young, and though I am sure my parents were afraid, they wanted to protect me and didn't tell me when she was going in for surgery. It wasn't until she had her second cancer (in her chin) that I knew when she was going in for surgery, and we all took it as "she'll be fine, it won't kill her, she's too strong." Plus, the doctor had already made her feel assured, so she assured us.


5. On what other levels (spiritual, intellectual, etc.) did you
experience growth and/or empowerment during this difficult time?

I've grown in my ways of viewing cancer as something that IS beatable, and you DON'T have to go through chemo and all these horrible things in all cancer cases. It's made me feel confident that if I one day got cancer, I would probably be able to beat it.


6. What was your biggest source of support in trying to cope with this experience? Is it still a source of support in other ways?

Her words of assurance that she would be fine, and that if anything DID happen to her, she's lived a happy life. She is such an amazing person, and when she's not scared, it makes me feel like I don't have to be scared.


7. In what ways was your grandmother inspiring to you during her fight with breast cancer?

Her light-hearted humor about her prosthetic, and about how she didn't have a left breast anymore. She poked fun at herself, and it made it all very easy to deal with. She inspired me to laugh at life's challenges when you beat them, and just smile.


8. What is one memory that stands out from this time?

When she showed me her scar tissue on her chest, and her explanation of what it feels like and how she felt about it. And probably...me wearing her prosthetic breasts around the house because she thought it was funny.


9. Is there a major or national charity that really made a difference for your grandmother during this time? Please explain.

Not that I know of, actually.


10. How has your relationship with your grandmother improved or been changed ever since she became a breast cancer survivor?

We've always been close and had a very special connection. I know that I admire her more knowing she's battled cancer twice, and she has such a positive outlook about it all. She's so inspiring and such an amazing person. I think anyone who is suffering with cancer would benefit from her company.

Breast cancer and the mobility impaired

Any woman who is used to walking and standing may understand the rigors of trying to get a mammogram, or even what's involved in receiving chemotherapy during treatment. However, if you are bound to a wheelchair, then being able to stand to receive a mammogram or move into a recliner for chemotherapy can be a struggle. Being helped to stand as well as carried around can be humiliating for someone already burdened with the stress of a possible breast cancer diagnosis. The problem is that there are not many handicap-accessible machines to accommodate the mobility impaired patients who must use them.

The good news is, more medical establishments and health care professionals are finally paying attention to the needs of the mobility impaired. Physicians and staff are being trained to accommodate the physical limitations of patients who require a mammogram or chemotherapy.

The first step is to discuss these limitations with your doctor. More and more medical facilities are becoming handicap-accessible and steps are being taken to include this accessibility inside of the buildings. If the arms of your wheelchair can be lowered, this will make it easier to receive a mammogram while in your wheelchair. If you are not able to sit up for the duration of your mammogram, a Velcro apparatus will be used to help you.

It's a good idea to ask someone to come with you to your appointments. A friend, sibling or caregiver is likely willing to assist you if needed so that you can receive your mammogram or be comfortable while receiving chemotherapy treatments.

Before your visit, ask if you can see the imaging center first. Ask questions about what sort of accommodations are in place for patients who are mobility impaired. If this is not provided, then talk to your doctor about finding a facility which is more helpful to the needs of disabled patients.

The MayoClinic understands the rights and needs of a patient who is stuck in a wheelchair. They have created three facilities specially equipped to assist such patients:

The Breast Clinic in Arizona

The Breast Center in Florida

The Breast Diagnostic Clinic in Minnesota

Finally, a free guide for disabled women is available for review on the Internet:

Breast Self-Examination: A Handbook for Women with disAbilities

If you are mobility-challenged and must have a mammogram or chemotherapy treatment, don't resign yourself to the delusion that all disabled patients must "put up" with using equipment not accessible to the disabled or being discriminated against by physicians. Ask questions, speak up. Talk to a medical professional you trust. If you feel your medical needs are not being sufficiently met or that you are being discriminated against, find another physician. Don't accept discrimination from a physician, who is obligated to treat ALL patients regardless of race, ethnicity, social stature, religion, financial situation AND disability. Know your rights but, more importantly, know what kind of accommodations and services are available to you as a patient. Every person, disabled and abled, has the right to receive competent and thorough care for breast cancer and it's important to make sure that care is given to you. Medical treatment of breast cancer is important. Receiving proper medical care for breast cancer could mean the difference between life or death.

Organization spotlight: Bright Pink

Bright Pink is a national nonprofit organization devoted to helping women who are fighting both breast and ovarian cancer. Their goal in offering education and support is to "arm young women with knowledge, options and a great attitude, and offer companionship and empathy during their journey. We empower them to take control of their breast and ovarian health and in turn, grant them the freedom and peace of mind to live a beautiful and fulfilling life."

Part of the work they do is partnering with companies to create products that promote breast cancer awareness, mainly during September and October. As an example, the specially-created pink Bubblemint Orbit White Gum means 10% of sales of this gum will go towards supporting this organization.

Their Little Bright Book series, which medical professionals can obtain for free from the site, provides information about breast and ovarian cancer. Titles include "A Young Woman’s Guide to Breast and Ovarian Cancer Risk and How to Be Proactive with Your Health” and the breast/ovarian cancer fighter/survivor's edition “For Our Mothers and the Women We Love: A Guide to Being Proactive and Protecting Your Family’s Health."

The site also provides a wealth of information about breast and ovarian cancer, all written by a team of medical professionals who understand the needs and concerns of those who are at risk of either cancer.

Also, anyone looking to connect with another cancer fighter/survivor can check out the PinkPals program. This will pair you with someone similar to your own situation who you can talk with and turn to for support via phone or email. You may even be able to meet your PinkPal in person.

The organization also emails or texts monthly reminders to "make time for the girls," offer information about a physical outreach group in your area, and visitors may even submit questions to genetic counselors ready to answer your questions and address your concerns.

They also offer educational workshops and conferences.

For more information: Bright Pink

Five Myths and Misconceptions about Breast Cancer

1. Only women get breast cancer.

This is probably the most common misconception about breast cancer. Surprise! Men can be diagnosed with breast cancer, as well. Men have breast tissue and their breast duct cells are just as vulnerable to developing cancer as a woman's. However, because women have many more breast duct cells and hormones attacking those cells than men do, breast cancer is more prevalent in women.

2. Breastfeeding will prevent a woman from developing breast cancer.

While various medical reports and physicians will attest that women who breastfeed have indeed a decreased chance of developing breast cancer, it is not the "cure" for breast cancer. Some women who breastfed their babies have developed breast cancer later in life. While breastfeeding is a good preventative measure against developing breast cancer, it won't guarantee a block against it.

3. Mammograms are dangerous because of radiation exposure.

In the 1970's, the risk of harmful radiation exposure from mammograms was a growing concern in the medical community. This debate over radiation exposure from a mammogram, however, remains very strong and rampant. Still, mammograms are definitely useful in detecting tumors which might otherwise go undetected. Today's technology has improved the performance and safety of equipment used during a mammogram.

4. The breast-self-exam (BSE) is sufficient in detecting a tumor.

There are two things wrong with this myth. One is that not every female knows how to perform the BSE correctly. A young woman should consult with her doctor about the proper way to perform a BSE. The second thing is that relying on BSE to detect any tumors or suspicious lumps is not the best way for finding any. A tumor or lump on the breast can be undetected and hard to locate. By the time a tumor is detected, it is very large and has been festering in that area for some time. As a measure of caution, a yearly mammogram or yearly breast exam performed by a physician is advisable.

5. If I have no family history of breast cancer, I can't get it.

This is also another popular myth about breast cancer. Anyone with a first-degree family member (such as parent or sibling) with breast cancer has the highest risk of obtaining the disease. The next highest risk is anyone with a second-degree family member (such as anyone on the mother or father's side) who has had the disease. However, people with no known family history of breast cancer have also developed the disease. According to the book, Mammography and Breast Imaging: Just the Facts by Olive Peart, "Over 90 percent of women who develop breast cancer have no family history of the disease."

Understanding Early Stage Breast Cancer

Once a tumor is detected in the breast, it is advisable to seek medical assistance as early as possible. The soonest medical intervention occurs, the greater the chances of having the cancer removed from the area and for the patient to start recovering or obtain further medical assistance. The moment the tumor is detected is known as the early stage of breast cancer. Understanding the early stage of breast cancer can help a patient to feel more at ease about receiving treatment.

Early stage breast cancer has four stages: Stage I, II (A or B), III (A, B, or C) or IV. The size of the tumor and whether or not the cancer has spread is what determines the category of the cancer. Not all stages of the tumor are considered "early-stage." The only ones which are "early-stage" are Stages I, IIA, IIB and IIIA.

There are no other unique characteristics associated with the tumor which will designate which stage it is. Only the size and its capacity for spreading are what result in the type of stage it is classified as.

Treatment for early-stage breast cancer usually involves surgery. The surgical procedures used for early-stage breast cancer are as follows:

The first type of surgery is called "breast-sparing surgery." In other words, a surgical procedure in which all or most of the breast is spared from removal. The surgeon will either remove the tumor and surrounding tissue involved (perform a "lumpectomy") or remove a part of the breast that includes the tumor (perform a "partial mastectomy"). Usually, with this type of surgery, some lymph nodes from under the arm will also be removed. This type of surgery is also known as "breast-conserving surgery." The affected breast may look exactly the same or mostly the same following this type of surgery. After breast-sparing surgery, the patient normally undergoes radiation therapy.

The second type of surgery is called a "mastectomy." There are two types of mastectomies: "Simple" or "total" mastectomy, and "modified radical mastectomy." The simple or total mastectomy involves removing the entire breast and possibly some lymph nodes located under the arm. With modified radical mastectomy, the entire breast is removed as well as some lymph nodes under the arm, the lining over the chest muscles and possibly part of the chest wall muscles.

The reason for removal of lymph nodes is to help the treating doctors detect if the cancer is spreading. If they detect cancer in the removed lymph nodes, they may need to remove more in order to prevent the cancer from spreading to other parts of the body (to metastasize). From here, the patient may or may not be advised to receive adjuvant therapy, depending on the results.


Reference: Early Stage Breast Cancer Frequently Asked Questions

The Breast Cancer Site "Click to give" for October

The Breast Cancer Site is partnered with the non-profit organization, the National Breast Cancer Foundation. For the month of October, they are holding a "click to give" program which will help women receive a free mammogram. For every click on their pink button, a sponsor will pay for a mammogram that will help a low-income woman who may not otherwise have been able to receive one.

The Breast Cancer Site is affiliated with CharityUSA.com, which also owns and operates sites such as The Hunger Site, The Child Health Site, The Literacy Site, The Rainforest Site and The Animal Rescue Site. All of these sites have a "click to give" program. One click will mean a sponsor contributes to the designated cause.

To help a woman receive a free mammogram, please visit The Breast Cancer Site today and "click to give."

The Breast Cancer Site

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure T-shirt Design Contest

Do you have an artistic side?

The Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation is holding a contest! They are soliciting submissions of designs for their newest T-shirt, which will be worn by hundreds of participants in next year's Race For the Cure. The deadline to enter is November 8, 2009.

Read all about it here: It's All About the Shirt!

Businesses supporting breast cancer research and NBCAM

The following is a list of just some businesses and corporations which are taking steps to support breast cancer awareness and breast cancer research as part of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I will include more later.

For the entire month of October, Hungry Howie's Pizza will be using pink boxes for their pizzas, complete with a pink ribbon on each box. And for every pizza ordered, they will make a donation to the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc. This will take place at every Hungry Howie's Pizza location. You can find a location of a Hungry Howie's Pizza at their Web site: Hungry Howie's Pizza



Breath of the Dragon, which creates unique and custom wood burning designs, has an inventory of breast cancer awareness items specifically created in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. A portion of the sales will be donated to a local women's resource center. You can check it all out here: Breath of the Dragon



For the month of October, Target is selling pink ribbons in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. For every ribbon sold, they are donating to breast cancer charities. Likewise, a New York-based Target is all pink for October, donating 100% of proceeds from sales to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. There are other merchandise available specifically for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You can buy from them in stores or at their Web site: Breast Cancer Awareness items



Bornstein Seafoods is selling pink salmon decorated in pink cans and wrappings in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The seafood company's co-owner, Sharyn Bornstein, is a breast cancer survivor. For every can sold, they will donate $1 to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. Find a location on their Web site: Bornstein Seafoods



Olive Juice, a company that sells children's clothing, is also donating to the cause. The company's founder, Maryellen Kane, knows the pain associated with breast cancer: She watched her mother battle breast cancer for years. For Breast Cancer Awareness Month, they are donating $1 for every purchase made to Cuddle My Kids, a company that helps families affected by cancer. Visit them on the Web here: Olive Juice



The company Exygon Health and Fitness teamed up with CYBEX International by installing pink treadmills in their offices. for every mile ran on the treadmills, they are donating 10 cents to breast cancer research organizations. Here is their site: SETCHomepage.com



When you buy a Hobo International pink clutch bag, the company will donate 25% of proceeds to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Find out more here: Hobo International Jolie Cosmetics Bag

Types of breast cancer

Common types of breast cancer

The most common types of breast cancer begin either in your breast's milk ducts (ductal carcinoma) or in the milk-producing glands (lobular carcinoma). The point of origin is determined by the appearance of the cancer cells under a microscope.

In situ breast cancer
In situ (noninvasive) breast cancer refers to cancer in which the cells have remained within their place of origin — they haven't spread to breast tissue around the duct or lobule. The most common type of noninvasive breast cancer is ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), which is confined to the lining of the milk ducts. The abnormal cells haven't spread through the duct walls into surrounding breast tissue. With appropriate treatment, DCIS has an excellent prognosis.

Invasive breast cancer
Invasive (infiltrating) breast cancers spread outside the membrane that lines a duct or lobule, invading the surrounding tissues. The cancer cells can then travel to other parts of your body, such as the lymph nodes.

* Invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC). IDC accounts for about 70 percent of all breast cancers. The cancer cells form in the lining of your milk duct, then break through the ductal wall and invade nearby breast tissue. The cancer cells may remain localized — staying near the site of origin — or spread (metastasize) throughout your body, carried by your bloodstream or lymphatic system.
* Invasive lobular carcinoma (ILC). Although less common than IDC, this type of breast cancer invades in a similar way, starting in the milk-producing lobules and then breaking into the surrounding breast tissue. ILC can also spread to more distant parts of your body. With this type of cancer, you typically won't feel a distinct, firm lump but rather a fullness or area of thickening.



Less common types of breast cancer

Not all types of breast cancer begin in a duct or lobule. Less common types of breast cancer may arise from the breast's supporting tissue, including the fibrous connective tissue, blood vessels and lymphatic system. In addition, some tumors don't actually begin in the breast but represent a different type of cancer that has spread (metastasized) from another part of the body, such as the lymphatic system (non-Hodgkin's lymphoma), skin (melanoma), colon or lungs. These are not called breast cancer but are referred to as cancer from where it started, now metastatic to the breast.

Unusual types of breast cancer include inflammatory breast cancer, phyllodes tumor, angiosarcoma, osteosarcoma, metaplastic breast cancer, adenoid cystic carcinoma and Paget's disease of the breast. There are also rare subtypes of invasive ductal carcinoma — tubular, mucinous, medullary and papillary.



Read more: Types of breast cancer