Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Anyway, if I am pregnant, you'll hear about it here first!
After I fed Jesse his breakfast, I got to work on one of the articles I have due on Friday. This one was quite a challenge to write, because it was about something I've never heard of before: Green roofs. And, apparently, they've been around for centuries! *rolls eyes* I can be so clueless sometimes. Well, it was quite educational doing research about them and writing up my article. Unfortunately, my articles can only be a maximum of 500 words. My final word count when I finished the first draft? Almost 1000! GAH! So I had to cut away some stuff. Mainly the parts discussing the pros and cons of having a green roof. I sadly bid it adieu from my article. *sniff, sniff* But later in the day, I came up with an idea. Why not post all my cut material on a new blog?? A blog that shares all the writing I delete from my work. I know some of it won't make sense to readers, even if I throw in an explanation. But if there's stuff I REALLY LIKE that I don't want to throw away or stuff I feel could be helpful to readers, why not?? It's something to think about. Haven't decided yet on if I should do that before or after the final draft of the work gets into print.
The pipes in my kitchen are STILL NOT FIXED (thanks, hubby!), so I'm still going to the darn laundromat to do laundry. I hate going to the laundromat, but especially THIS ONE I usually go to, which is down the street from me. It is very, very dirty, stinky, and has a lot of broken machines. Whoever owns it just doesn't take care of it, which is sad, really. I think if they took good care of it, they would have more paying customers. But also, it's a hangout for transients. Many times I am there, I'll see homeless people sleeping on the chairs and couches inside. With their cans of beer and bagged goods nearby, of course. It makes me really uncomfortable being there. But what happened today was the worst. The minute I stepped into there, a strong smell of marijuana hit my nose. YIKES! I saw someone huddled up on the couch, shaking. I had to wonder if, in addition to smoking weed, he'd shot up some H, too. But I didn't want to know. Shuddering, I turned around and got the heck out of there as fast as I could. I angrily stomped back home. Good thing I didn't have my children with me! I would have had to later, because hubby leaves for work and I won't leave them alone, but NOOO WAY was I taking them there now. I hate druggies. I REALLY hate them! I don't care if it was "just pot." DRUGS ARE BAD!!
We had plans to take the kids to a Disney Playhouse show in Portland this weekend. The problem is, we got mixed up on the dates -- it's on Friday, not Saturday -- and my husband is not able to drive us out there because he has to work. Darn! I know that Jennifer was so excited about going to the show. She has been SOOOO GOOD all week because she knows that show is coming up. (In addition to a science fair on Friday and playing golf on Sunday.) Now we have to tell her we can't go. :( That really stinks. I am NOT looking forward to seeing her all disappointed. It sucks. It really does. But husband said we'll go to the coast this weekend to make up for it. (They call it "the coast" and not "the beach.") Well, we'll see. I'm just really bummed about it. She would've really had a great time.
Well, I had a talk with my husband today. I told him about something that happened to me on Monday morning. I wasn't sure if I SHOULD tell him, but I was so upset about it and just...struggling with it. I guess I just got tired of him asking me "what's wrong?" so much and me shrugging it off because I didn't want to tell him. But I finally told him and he got mad that I thought it was a "ghost thing." He gave me that whole "it's all in your head" lecture and "blah, blah, blah, the mind is more powerful than you think" talk. Whatever! I know what happened. He is a skeptic no matter what kind of stuff will take place. But I wish that, for once, he was right. It was a really confusing thing. Hard to accept especially since it's never happened to me before. Well, I am trying to get to the point where it doesn't bother me so much anymore. I am trying to just...function. (And, Nancy, I WILL tell you about it when I am able to feel like my old self again.)
Today I was asking Jennifer about what kind of movies she wanted to see while I was logged in at Netflix. I was so disheartened when she asked me to remove a bunch of "kiddie" movies I had in my queue for her. Sigh. My baby is growing up! Instead of Blue's Clues and Oswald, she's watching Pokemon and iCarly. Well, Jesse will be into those kiddie shows soon enough. But as I was logged in at Netflix, I had to ask myself, you know, WHEN am I going to even watch these movies??? Seriously, I have had The Dark Knight for 3 weeks! Every night I tell myself I am going to watch that movie and I end up falling asleep before I can even turn it on! (And if you are a Netflix subscriber WAITING for this movie, now you know who to blame for the hold-up!) (Sowwy!) I actually considered putting a hold on my subscription, to wait until things slowed down and I actually have the time to watch a movie already. But I honestly don't even know if a time like that will come about soon!
Jesse's appetite has been ravenous. My husband is always saying "he's too fat" or "we shouldn't feed him so much." Well, it's not like we are constantly shoving food down his mouth! He's just hungry a lot. I am shocked. His appetite is a lot bigger than Jennifer's was at 15 months of age! I say, he's a baby. You know? He'll grow out of the baby fat. He's just a growing boy with a growing appetite! Males always have bigger appetites. Sometimes I'll watch my husband scarf down a ton of food in one sitting and it just boggles my mind on how he has room for it all! Well after I fed Jesse his dinner, he wanted some of OUR dinner. We all took turns giving him tiny bites of beans as well as a few low-salt crackers.
While we were eating dinner, he kept walking around the dining and living room. It was cute watching him take a bite and chew the food as he walked around. But sometimes, he bumped his head into my chair. Which kind of...got me nervous. I joked to Jennifer that I'll need to put a helmet on him. She joked that he'd need the whole football padding on the rest of his body! It worried me when he bonked his head but he seemed unconcerned about it. He'd just keep walking on by like nothing happened. (Maybe he's used to the occasional bonk of the head by now.)
But I think a helmet would have been a good idea because he had a bit of an accident shortly after I made that little joke. Jennifer kept running around with Jesse, playing with him. I kept telling her to slow down, stop chasing him, and just keep the calm. Of course she didn't listen. When she was chasing Jesse in the living room, he lost his balance and fell face-first against the bottom of the couch. I jumped up from my chair and ran to him. Jennifer had him in her arms and blood was dripping from his mouth. BLOOD! REAL BLOOD!! I started to panic as I ran to get my husband to help. I prayed he didn't lose a tooth or something worse than that. When my husband got him into the kitchen and started cleaning him up, stopping the bleeding, he examined him. Fortunately, Jesse stopped crying. He started to become curious of this room he was in. My husband told me he'd just bit his lip. THANK GOD! Thank God he hadn't lost or broken a tooth. I turned to see Jennifer standing behind us, in tears. She was so upset and bawling about how it was her fault he got hurt. We both hugged her and assured her it wasn't her fault. It was just an accident. And Jesse was okay.
Thank God he was okay.
But all that blood on his shirt is eerie. It is NOT a good thing to see on a baby's clothes!
What's weird, though, is that one of the blood stains looked like a heart. I was really surprised by it. I even took a picture and posted it on my picture blog: Heart-shaped blood stain
I debated over whether we should take him to the ER but husband assured me he'll be okay. I'll just keep a close eye on him, though. Just in case he has pain or discomfort.
All in all, it was an eventful day. Some bad things, some interesting things, some scary things. Wonder what tomorrow will bring -- or do I even want to know???
Monday, January 26, 2009
Are you angry yet???
Here is the worst part: Authorities are saying they can't seek the death penalty against the couple, only because they can't prove they are a future danger.
How in God's name could ANYONE take what those monsters did and not see it as only the beginning of what horrors they could do to a child?? Do they need to beat and kill another child before people realize that these two murderers ARE INDEED a danger??!!
Any man who would willingly beat his child, even his stepchild, will likely beat that child again. And, he will beat other children he has living in his home. I know all about the patterns of abusers. Once an abuser, always an abuser. There is no way around that.
I am so outraged that any sane person would look at what they did and think, "Well, gosh, might as well let them walk free as a bird because they won't hurt anybody else from now on." I cannot believe it. Not a danger? NOT A DANGER???
These animals do not deserve to be free. They killed a 2-year-old child. They beat her and murdered her. They never did anything a caring parent would do after Baby Grace was dead. You know what they did instead? They stored her body in a shed for two months. Then they tossed the storage bin they'd hidden her in into the bay. They just tossed her into the water like she was some piece of luggage.
I was heartbroken to learn about what happened to young Riley. I wish to God it never did. I wish she had been living with her father instead. Her father and grandmother, people who LOVED her and WANTED her. My heart goes out to that family and I have nothing but anger towards that so-called "mother" who tortured her own flesh and blood.
"Baby Grace" is in Heaven now. Her soul is set free from the cruel world that was her home. My heart goes out to that baby and I send all my prayers out to her. Rest in peace, little angel.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
As many Eugeneans know, David Minor is the man who died tragically when riding his bike and being struck by a car. I have a friend who was friends with David and he came to me in tears about this most unfortunate death. Not long after my friend was here, I read the story in the local paper, the Register-Guard. It's not available to read free on the 'Net but you can read this posting about David:http://www.ghostbikes.org/eugene/david-minor
On another note, you can read this post:http://eyeoneugene.blogspot.com/2008/07/women-advocates-for-bike-helmets.html
So moved was I by my friend's grief and the story of what happened to David, I wrote a poem in his memory. That poem is here: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=48150085&blogID=405121086
This, I feel, is an appropriate way to remember someone who is lost. Pretending to be his ghost, however, and asking that his memorial be taken down is, I feel, not appropriate.
In fact, my opinion is that it is downright disrespectful.
While I understand that there are some people who wish to remain anonymous, saying they are the ghost of someone is not the proper way to go about it. First of all, how do they even KNOW that David would not want a memorial site? Unless they are psychic or have proof that he told them, by spirit communication, that he does not, they don't know it.
All the same, perhaps this person is fearful for even speaking out about the memorial site. I mean, maybe people appreciate it and even feel grateful that the city of Eugene will allow them to have something to remember David by. So by listing themselves as "Anonymous," they may not feel safe even then. What if someone finds out who they are? (Just listing yourself as "Anonymous" is enough to stir a little suspicion.) I realize that there are some people who might be tired of seeing the memorial day after day after day. Maybe they don't think it's appropriate.
Myself, I have been moved every time I saw the site of where he died. I am touched that the city of Eugene actually has a heart and actually WANTS to remember this young man by having a memorial set up for him. So touched was I that I even wanted to write about it. About how Eugene remembers those lost tragically.
Nevertheless, I feel that anyone who tries to impersonate the ghost of someone is acting in a way that is disrespectful to that person's memory, if not those who knew that person.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Yup, you read that right. A day to appreciate...squirrels.
Don't believe me? Take a gander at this link:
Squirrel Appreciation Day
When I saw that, I was, like, "Seriously?? A special day for....squirrels???"
Even when I told my husband about it, he was surprised, too. "Who the (bleep) started THAT up??"
I have nothing personal against squirrels, mind you. As long as they don't get all rabid and try to attack me, or something. As long as they don't attack my kids, hurt my dogs or tear up my yard. We're A-OK as long as they STAY AWAY from us! But I really don't see how....WHY...squirrels should get a special "appreciation day." I mean, that's just weird.
If ANY animal deserves a day of appreciation, it's wolves! Or...horses! Ferrets! Whales!
Today's special critter made me remember a movie clip from one of my favorite Christmas movies:
(P.S.: For me, it doesn't NEED to be closed-captioned, because I've seen the movie a million times and know what everybody's saying.)
I love that whole "SQUIRREL!!!!" part. LOL I could play that one part over and over. Sometimes, I do that when I see squirrels. Just shout "Squirrel!!!!"
And FYI: It is also National Hugging Day!
National Hugging Day
Now get out there and hug someone. Maybe you can even try to hug a squirrel.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Part of Dr. King's dream is finally a reality.
The famous "I Have a Dream" speech came at a time in America when the civil rights movement tried to show to the world the injustices and horrors visited upon African Americans. This country may not be in the same situation it was back then, but unfortunately, racial prejudices and discrimination still abound. It is an unfortunate part of our history, an unfortunate part of our present, but I hope it won't be an unfortunate part of our future.
It was Dr. King's mission to make his dream of racial equality a reality in this world that we all share. Let us try to keep his dream alive and one day make sure it's a reality that will be here to stay.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Yesterday I was feeling pretty sick. The night before, I got sick with REALLY bad dizziness, nausea, stomach pain and my vision was spinning. My husband had to come home from work early because it was so bad. Fortunately, the dizziness went away but the stomach pain remained.
Yesterday, the stomach pain was pretty bad. I started to wonder if I had a case of food poisoning or some kind of 24-hour bug. All week, I'd been dealing with dizziness. I thought it was food poisoning that caused me to get hit even harder, though, with the dizziness and everything else, because my husband had not been eating with us lately (eating at work all week) and it could have been something that I ate on one of my solo meals. Or maybe not; Jennifer was too sick to go to basketball practice yesterday, having the same complaints, so it might have been a food that we both ate.
Nevertheless, I was cautious on just what I ingested. I didn't have any coffee (*cries*) and drank lots of water. I had a little bit of Coke with water. Not too much, though. For breakfast, I ate toast. Then later, yogurt. After I had the yogurt, I was feeling a little better and my husband got us chicken tacos a VERY LATE lunch. I had that and a cheese quesadilla. ( I was CRAVING cheese!) Then by dinnertime, I was hungry again but not too sure about eating so much. I had a little chicken broth and that settled my stomach.
The good news is, stomach pain is ALL GONE now. Yay! And....I AM STARVING! LOL I am definitely gonna make up today for the very little I had to eat yesterday. As it is, I am sitting here eating Goldfish crackers and having my coffee. I missed the coffee!! But I'll keep it in mind to go easy all the same. The shock of too much foods, especially too much stomach-discomfort-causing foods (like spicy stuff), will likely cause trouble. We're having a goodbye party for Angel today (the dog I have been pet-sitting) so I'll just nosh on some veggies instead of the chips and salsa. ;)
I hope I made the right food choices, though, when my stomach was as bad as it was. I know that plain toast is okay to eat when you're having stomach trouble and that yogurt is helpful, too. I'll have to look into that sort of thing and maybe I'll learn of some other things that are good to eat/drink when having stomach discomfort.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
When KidSports offered a basketball clinic for K-2 graders, I knew I had to sign Jennifer up! She loves sports and was disappointed she couldn't participate in basketball at the Y. So we were both happy that yet another chance to play basketball came up for her. Woo-hoo!
The basketball clinic is headed by University of Oregon men's bssketball star player A.D. Smith. You can read all about it here:
There were other coaches there, for the different teams. Jennifer decided to be on the orange team. They practiced a bunch of different drills. There was A LOT of running. The kids got to do some free-play with shooting hoops and dribbling, but they also had to practice things like guarding, traveling and taking shots from different areas of the court.
When Jen started to just play and shoot hoops, I was blown away at how well she threw that ball. I mean, she REALLY threw that ball! I know she's athletic but I never realized my scrawny offspring was so strong! There were a lot of times she threw that ball behind the hoop. One time, the ball even got stuck up there and she had to ask one of the coaches to get it down for her.
After a lot of drills and trying different actions, she came to sit next to me for break. I asked her if she was having fun.
"Mom, it's so boring," she whined. "I want to play basketball."
"Well, Jennifer, you have to learn basketball before you can play basketball. You are doing these drills for a reason, you know? You gotta practice guarding and bouncing the ball around, so that when you play, you can do those things well."
I don't think she really got all that. Mostly, she was upset over not having free reign to just run around and shoot hoops. But I kept up the encouragement and tried to get her excited about being on a team and having a coach. Every time she made a basket, I cheered and clapped. I was really proud of how well she played. Not bad for a first day. She'd been so worried about making mistakes and playing bad, so I was relieved that she ended up playing so well. (She gets that from ME, ya know! LOL)
After practice, I took a picture of her with A.D. Smith:
She really enjoyed basketball and we're both looking forward to going to more practices. I'll have to start taking her to a park with a B-Ball court so she can play and shoot hoops all she wants to.
Friday, January 09, 2009
You. Guys. Rock!
Now I need to rant a bit. Sorry, but I REALLY need to get something off of my chest.
While people in the family are checking out the site, my husband is not. Yep, my own husband doesn't give a crap about it. He doesn't ask about the book or anything. You know? And it hurts my feelings.
Well, some other issue gets me upset about this. See, he is SOOOO devoted to a friend of his out here. The same guy who got him the job that he moved us out here for. He spends HOURS at this guy's house, with this guy's family -- even on weekends. Leaving us alone. I try asking him, why can't we go, too? How come we're not invited? And he says we just wouldn't like it there or that we'll get bored.
Hey, at least we'd all be together! Right??
But the thing about this is, he's doing work with this guy. And of course, that means literally more hours away from us. He's been creating web sites for this friend of his and working ALL of the time to do what his friend wants. First thing he does when he gets up in the morning? He checks his phone for messages! Sometimes, it's like he even forgets we are even there....
So he's doing all that and ALWAYS checking his emails for emails from his friend...but there's nothing with us. And, you know, he hasn't bothered to look at the site yet.
I guess I'm really starting to feel resentful. I started feeling neglected and unloved a LONG time ago. Especially after he spent weeks not sleeping in the same bed as me. And even still, even when not doing some other job for this guy, he falls asleep on the couch. And I've been sleeping alone.
So I'm just really upset about this. I wanna say things like "well, maybe if I asked (the friend) to send you the link, you'd look at it!" or "I guess you just don't care!" I just really want to blow up at him about it.
This friend has my husband by the balls and he doesn't even know it! Maybe that's why hubby is so against us moving back to California. He wants to stay here in Oregon, close to his good buddy. (And just for the record, this friend is NOT my good buddy.) Maybe it's NOT a money thing or "life is better here" kind of thing. You know? He could be offered a job in Florida that pays him a million bucks a year and I bet he'd turn it down!
I was watching Trading Spouses today and it had Palm Springs in it. My heart just ached. God, I miss Palm Springs!! How I long to go back to that area. Just to live there again. Enjoy that beautiful sunshine, see those beautiful mountains. I miss my mountains. *sniff* I swear, if I was able to, I would move to Palm Springs in a heartbeat. And STAY THERE. At least we could visit with Millie and Allison again....and I wouldn't feel so lonely for company.
OK, so I just needed to get that off my chest. I just needed to rant. I'll get over it. I have had to get over a whole lot of things lately. But don't be surprised if you hear about us seeing a marriage counselor or something like that later on down the road.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
She's also excited about signing up with basketball. I couldn't sign her up at the Y because my husband doesn't want her doing sports at the Y (which I don't understand, really), but, luckily, the same sports club that she joined to play baseball is also offering basketball, so she's raring to get into that!
When I was getting her ready for school yesterday morning, I had Good Morning America on TV. I put it on every morning and there's also the occasional local news show coming on. Both of us tune in to the weather forecasts on there. Anyway, they were talking about preparations being made for the new president and I started talking with her about that. How we're going to have a brand new president soon. She got excited and I told her, "The President we have now has been the president for your whole life!"
This gave me pause. Wow, has George W. REALLY been in office during the entire lifetime my 7-year-old has been on the planet?? Wow. It's hard to believe, really. Plus, there's the war hanging over her early years of life, too. And September 11th happened a month before she was born.
What a dangerous world she came into!
But I think about how things are going to change now. This is a NEW year. A time for NEW things. We desperately want change -- and already we are seeing that change. Gas prices are at an all-time low. I was literally shocked to see gas cost $1.87 at a local gas station. I couldn't believe my eyes! For the first time in a LOOOONG time, I said 3 words at the gas station I have not said for some time: "Fill it up."
The lowering of gas costs is just the beginning. The inauguration of a brand new Commander in Chief is just the beginning. When Barack Obama won the election, people saw it as a racial victory. However, it would seem to me that it's so much more than that. It opened the door for change. The same change our President-elect has been advocating to his constituents. We have change and there will continue to be change.
I see change in my own life, too. My writing is changing; things are falling into place that didn't before, and I'm moving on to bigger and better things. My attitude is changing; I'm learning to be more resilient to daily burdens, daily pains, and keep on keeping on in the face of troubles. My relationship with my family is changing; I am learning to set boundaries and stand up for myself, rather than do what THEY want me to do. I will honor my heart and be true to myself. Nobody is going to live this life except me and it's not up to them what kind of living I do with it. It's up to me. And I'm learning to just...distance myself from their negativity and criticism, judgments and pressure. I don't need it and it's REALLY time to just shield myself from it.
I also want to stop getting depressed over the bad things in my past. The thing that bothered me the most was WHY those things even happened. I mean, that was my father. That was my brother. WHY did they do those things to me?? But...that's life, you know? Bad things happen. Even in your family, when things like that SHOULDN'T happen. The important thing is that it's over, they're gone, and now I need to make sure I don't let them happen in MY family. That is what I can teach my children: How I was raised and treated won't define how I will raise and treat them. Because I KNOW what was bad and what was wrong. So, I just won't let them happen, and that is what I will take away from those past wrongs.
And that right there is a whole 'nother change, too. Yay!
But the thing about changes: They don't just happen. I mean, you can desire change, but it really takes making a change before there will actually be change. If you want change, make change. Do at least one thing different. Make one change. If you do the same things again and again, you'll just keep getting the same things again and again. BUT if you do something different, that changes things. And it opens the door for MORE changes. That won't happen right away, but it WILL happen. It's like some universal law. Once you change one thing, it starts a domino effect for more changes to happen.
I'm looking forward to what new changes the future brings. This is The Year of Change. Let's make those changes good changes.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
I made a decision some time back not to get TOO personal on this blog. After all, it's a PUBLIC blog. Everyone and anyone can see it. And it's hard for me to trust people because too many people have already hurt me. I am not going to make room in my life for anyone else to cause more hurt. So I decided to be discreet with this blog.
And I almost broke that rule. I almost took the one remaining resolution I have yet to figure out and make it something like "bare it ALL on the Palms to Pines blog." I almost did it. I was awake early this morning, mentally writing something that would do it.
But I didn't. I found some other way to get over my anger and frustrations. I found something to help me get over all of it and just forget about it. If only for a little while.
I don't want to use this blog as a place to bitch and moan. I don't want to use this blog as a platform for "pity me parties." I don't want to use this blog for drama or angst. All that stuff is not for public eyes. A lot of that stuff is private and it should stay private.
This doesn't mean I'll censor my blog to only have "happy stories" or things like that. I blog about the stuff I feel comfortable blogging about. I blog about the "eventful" stuff, the insightful stuff. The stuff that highlights my world as a deaf person and a deaf parent. And I'm not giving myself permission to whine or complain about OTHER stuff.
Because that's not up for public scrutiny.
I know there are people who like to pass judgments on me without getting the facts right. I know there are people who like to talk shit about me and come up with all these stories or assumptions that aren't true. People get me wrong ALL the time. It's sad, really. Happens with my own family members. And I have been tempted to show the REAL me to the world through this blog. Since it IS my personal blog. But I just don't want to make it too personal. As I said, I have been hurt too much. I have been manipulated, abused and deceived too much. And I'm not prepared to tear down any walls. I'm just not ready to trust the WHOLE world with the real me.
Not yet, anyway.
For the time being, I will continue to censor my blog posts. I will also censor any comments from people who make personal attacks or who start bickering with others. You may say it's a free country and you can post whatever kind of comment you want. I say it's MY blog and I'll do what I want with it. It's my blog and I'll censor if I want to. (HA!)
If anything, I have to do this to avoid people taking stuff I write on here, twisting it around and trying to get at me with it. Sorry, not opening the door for that to happen again. Not on my blog.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and share my world. I love reading and responding to all of your comments. I'll definitely try to keep up with reading and commenting on your blogs, as well. I look forward to keeping up with the "blogworking" with all of you and I can't wait to see what new things the new year has in store.