Friday, December 28, 2007
This is the message I got last night, from a dream. Yes, a DREAM! Of all things. Now I'm not one to just....ignorantly follow every old suggestion which a dream makes. After all, my first opinion of what dreams are is that they are a reflection of our self. Of our...psyche, or whatever you want to call it. But sometimes, I think, dreams can be a useful self-help tool. Especially since I hardly have ANYONE with whom I can consult on a variety of matters!
I mention this because, the other night, I dreamed that someone was telling me I shouldn't say a certain....swear word that I had often been saying. (Unfortunately, in my verbal speech, I tend to swear like a sailor. Bad habit, I know! I'm still a work-in-progress, folks.) The person in my dream said it was bad to say that word, because it took God's name in vain. And God wasn't happy about that! After I awoke from the dream, I was frightened because that word was just a normal part of my "normal" vocabulary. :P And I didn't know how I would stop myself from saying it. But I started praying on that. And I'm hoping that will help me to REMEMBER not to say that word.
Yeah, I do believe what the man in my dream said. I mean, it makes sense that the..."G-D" word takes the Lord's name in vain. Although I hadn't realized it before. I thought it was like saying, "God, damn this thing!" But I guess...not?
Anyway. There's another dream I had with a "message" I didn't ignore. A dream in which an angel told me "God loves all women." This dream came about during a time I was struggling with my religious convictions. I really had issues with the whole "women are EVIL!" message the Bible kept promoting. And how women are undervalued in so many religions and considered to be nothing more than mere slaves and breeders. That we weren't special. But when I had this dream, in which the angel also told me "God does not hate," it really moved me. You know? Now THAT was a message I couldn't ignore! I didn't care what people said or how a Bible story was told. I BELIEVED the angel in my dream that God loves us! He loves ALL women, young and old, black and white, rich and poor, Christian and Jewish. He loves ALL of us just as equally as men!
In the dream I had last night, I was living in a different house. I was at the computer, typing up a blog post on MS Word (although I normally use Notepad LOL). Then some men I didn't know came into the room. There were two of them. They were behind me and I turned to see them. One of them smiled and said, "Look at her. She's writing a story!"
"What are you writing, Dawn?" the other asked.
And I just....stared at them. Just blankly looked at them. I hadn't been working on a story. I had been writing up a blog post. But I didn't want to say THAT. They seemed so excited over me writing another story. Over creating something new for them to read.
But I wasn't writing a story. Apparently, I was wasting my time writing a blog post! When they were expecting a story! And I felt guilty. I felt so....disappointed with myself. I SHOULD have been writing a story! I got a bazillion story ideas WAITING to be created! Why don't I just WRITE them??? Forget about people saying "it's not realistic" or about me thinking "I can't write THAT!" I should just write them anyway!! JUST WRITE THEM! And stop making excuses NOT to write them...
But blogging was taking up all my free time now. Not writing, BLOGGING. And I have just been spending way too much time on my blogs. I should spend LESS time blogging and MORE time writing!
That is the message from my dream. I won't ignore this message. And why did this dream come about in the first place, anyway? Because lately, my husband has been complaining that I'm blogging too much. Instead of blogging, he argues, which IS a hobby, I should be working on my books instead. And he has a good point. I won't argue with him there. He's right. I WAS blogging too much! And my writing was just...getting so neglected. I have the tendency to obsess over things and get addicted to things. (I forget what that personality type is called....) And for a while, blogging was my addiction.
But I'm not going to let it be my addiction anymore. I CAN'T! There is just too much work I have to do! Too many books I want to write! Too many stories I want to get written! Too many manuscript edits I have left to do!
So I'm going to DO them! Cut down on the blogging and get more writing done. That is the message from my dream. That is the message which I won't ignore.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Recently, I asked one of my sisters for advice on something to do with my marriage. I asked her because she has been studying psychology for some time. After she gave me her advice (which helped), I had to owe up to what I REALLY had to do: Talk to hubby about what was bothering me. And during our talk, he reminded me of how annoying it was that I didn't open up to him about EVERYTHING. He'd KNOW if something was wrong (well, we've known each other for 12 years!!), but I'd never bring it out in the open. I'd always say stuff like..."it's nothing" or "I'm tired."
Yes, that IS a bad habit of mine. And it seems I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself to just TALK about what is on my mind. Open up the lines of communication and just GET IT OUT THERE. One thing I am trying to do is STOP being like that. I know it's not healthy to bottle stuff up....and yet I have done this so many times. But I'm going to try to stop doing that.
And, on that note, I talked to him about what was bothering me yesterday. He didn't know that my cousin's death still gets me so upset. And he didn't really MEAN to say I do a lousy job of cleaning the house. He meant something else. (Whatever that means!)
I'm just glad we talked about it. It helped me feel a whole lot better. Now if only I can get myself to just KEEP talking about the things I need to talk about, instead of keeping it all inside.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
I had a long talk with hubby the other day. As usual, he complained that I don't do a good enough job of cleaning the house. He's been complaining about that FOR YEARS!!! YEARS! By now he should REALIZE that I do the best I can when I clean. But apparently, it's not good enough. I get SOOO proud of the work I do. The floors are all vacuumed, swept and mopped, everything's dusted, washed, scrubbed, cleaned, put away, organized, etc., etc. And sometimes my back will hurt or my foot will hurt because I work so hard to clean the whole house. But it's all for NOTHING. And we have a new baby; how in the world can he expect me to do any better than before??
But, anyway. It's because of that I barely did any cleaning at all today. I mean, why bother? He doesn't freaking care or appreciate it.
But I HAVE taken care of the children, of course. I ALWAYS take good care of them, even if I'm so down in the dumps....
I'm also upset about something. It's that time of the year, you know? I miss my family a whole lot. I wish I could see them. Especially Mom, with her cancer back like that. God.....
Another thing comes up this time of year. Missing my cousin Mark. I still get upset about his death, you know? It was SO UNFAIR! I wrote this....poem in his memory. On the anniversary of his death. But I still think about him. I mean, I was going to SEE him again!!! He was just not even a day away from seeing me. After so long. It just really hurts. I know that....he's not really gone. I know he's still with us. But I think about my aunt and uncle, who couldn't have imagined their Christmas without him. I think about how his life was just cut short like that. He was ONLY 29 YEARS OLD!! I think about his daughter, who won't be seeing him anymore. I think about his sister Dawn and how she grieved.... It's all just painful thoughts.
And, you know, last night, I was lying on my bed with Jesse, just lying next to him and talking to him. Before he fell asleep. And I was thinking of reading to him. I thought 'what book should I read?' and I thought THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Even though it was....Christmas day. LOL Then I remembered the last time we had enjoyed that book. When we were still living in the desert. Liz and Carolyn had spent the night with us. The girls were lying on the floor, we camped out on the carpet, and I read that book. I smiled at that memory, but then I stopped smiling when I remembered something else: That was the night that Mark died....
If I had known...if I had known he was going to be in that car accident, I would've done SOMETHING! I would've gone out to Vicki's house and just STOPPED him from leavig! I would've....suggested he stay the night at her house!! Dammit, why couldn't I have known? Why....
Well, to say the least, I've had the holiday blues REALLY BAD. Even with Christmas come and gone, I'm still depressed. I guess EVERY bad little thing is just pulling me down even further.
I am grateful, though. For my children. I love them SOOO MUCH!! Especially little Jesse. He's smiling now and it's just so precious to see him smile.
Hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon. I called one of my sisters yesterday and we talked for a bit. That helped. And I keep in touch with them through MySpace, too. It will have to be enough for now.
That, and my faith. God is not just my Lord and Saviour. He is also my Friend. And I think if there's anyone's shoulders I need to lean on or cry on right now, it's His.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
And at the end of His life, when Jesus was on the Cross, His final words were this: "It is finished." He, too, had a mission from His Father. And now His mission had been fulfilled.
Jesus was 33 at the time He died. Just 33 years old, the same age I am right now. I am 33 years old, and I think about what it must be like to die at such an age. To pass from this world to the next at the age of 33.
In a way, I AM dying...to my old life. To the way I was before. Just recently, I have made a major change in my life. I have opened up my heart to Jesus and allowed God to have complete control over my life. I have completely surrendered myself and my life to God. I have committed myself to Him. Before, I was only allowing God in my life SOME of the time. Only halfway. Whenever it was convenient. And then I realized, "I either have God in my life COMPLETELY...or I don't have Him in my life at all."
Being a Christian isn't about serving God whenever I feel like it. It's not about doing what God commands of me to do when it's convenient or when I'm not so tired. Either I am a follower of God or I am not. There's no "conditional commitment" with religion. There's no religious conviction only some of the time. God wants us 100%. He doesn't want part of us or most of us. ALL of us. Our minds, our hearts, our actions. ALL of us.
This is one truth that I have learned. When I was trying to get pregnant with my son, I KNEW I had to conceive this baby. And I knew this baby was going to be a boy. I knew it was time for him to enter the world. I didn't know these things by dream interpretation or reading a crystal ball(which I don't actually do, LOL). I just KNEW it. AND I KNEW I HAD TO DO IT. Don't think about it, pray about it. JUST DO IT! And there was no question that I HAD to do it.
Just as I know one other thing now: I must end the life I was living in the past and take on this new life of devoting myself to serving God. I may not know everything that I need to know and I may get confused by things. Not understand things. Be deceived by things. (There are people I know all around me who have and still do tell me to do things that are not Christian.) I get so easily fooled at times and so...misled. But I know I must follow God and I must do it NOW. Not when I am 40 years old, not when my children are grown, not when I am stronger or smarter or richer or pretty. NOW. RIGHT NOW. And it is a calling I cannot ignore.
Before, a long time ago, I was devoted to being a Christian. People teased me about it. Even my own family members said I was having this "holier than thou" attitude because I chose to live the Christian life. This time, one worry I have had is that people will accuse me of being a hypocrite, because I'm not exactly perfect. I have lived an unfaithful life. I have done things in the past that were wrong. That were a sin. I KNOW this. I am not perfect. Nor do I aspire to be. I'm human, I CAN'T be perfect. But I CAN try to live a Godly life. I CAN make it a point to SHUN sin, to SHUN the bad ways, and embrace the Light of God. This is my mindset. I'm no saint, but I now devote myself to living a Goidly life. I know people will say unkind things to me...accuse me of having a "self-righteous" attitude and persecute me for my beliefs. Even try to lead me astray. But I still take on this new life of serving God, despite all of that. People will say what they are going to say.
I have said before in my prayers that I will never turn away from God. Despite being married to a nonbeliever, despite people judging me, despite people calling me names, trying to deceive me, mislead me and cause me to sin. Despite ALL of that, I will never turn away from God. And now, with this new life I am living, I still have that conviction with my whole heart. I will never turn away.
My old life and my old ways are over. Done with. It is finished.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
But it's just not the kind of love that I want it to be. I don't love him the way I did before. I would like to. I would really like to have a marriage in which there is 100% love, 100% trust, 100% devotion. But that is not a part of this marriage. Probably because of how the first marriage was destroyed, when that love and trust were destroyed.
But I don't like things like this....being so guarded and "on the alert" in case the past comes up again or in case he hurts me again.
I have been reading this book called "The Purpose-Driven Life." It is an AMAZING book written by Rick Warren. And I recently came across a passage on forgiveness. How we can forgive people right away, as God does, but we can't trust them again right away. We are expected by God to forgive right away, but not expected to trust them again right away. That trust needs to be rebuilt over time.
So maybe over time, I will be able to trust my husband with my whole heart again. Not just half of my heart or most of my heart. All of it. It's not right that I'm on the alert in case my husband, the man I am SUPPOSED to be able to trust, turns around and hurts me again.
Ever since I opened my heart to Jesus and made religion a priority in my life, I have learned so much about love and forgiveness in my faith and worship. God has just taught me so much and I put my complete trust in Him. Hopefully this will help me to come to terms with my ability to trust my husband.
I know marriage is no paradise. I know that a relationship takes work. That it takes time. And I guess time is what we both need to fully heal from our wounds of the past. I've already let go of it. Now I just have to wait and see if I will ever be able to live with the certainty that it won't come back.
Friday, December 21, 2007
"Fixing" someone is just one VERY common (and unfortunate) misconception many people have. You hear so many women complaining about how men have that whole "fix it" attitude with their problems, when they just want to talk about their problems. But that whole "fix it" attitude can often be taken to the extreme. Sometimes people get all "martyr-like" and make it their mission to change others. If they're unhappy with their friends, family members, partners, spouses, kids, etc., they try to change them. Fix them. Make them into a whole nother person.
But that kind of thing just can't happen. Believe me, I know! During my first marriage to hubby, I thought the same thing. "Maybe I can change him." It's true he was in the wrong to put me through that emotional abuse, but I was in the wrong to think that I could make him better. I was in the wrong to think that it was MY job to "fix" him. It wasn't. Because I have learned that people need to fix themselves. It's good that there's a friend or spouse there as a means of support and encouragement, but that friend or spouse cannot change a person.
That person has to change themselves.
How sad that, so many times, so many people still think that it is up to them to change someone. It's not. You can't really "change" someone. You can't "fix" them, either. Depending on the situation, you can either just be their friend, or, if it's a situation in which your life is endangered, your sanity is endangered, your kids are endangered, etc., you can do something that is just as effective as trying to change that person: walk away.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Right- or left- handed: right
Mood right now: Restless and thinking about stuff I want to fix with my book
Favourite sweets?: silly question. chocolate. of course.
Is there anything you would never ever eat?: yup. lots of things.
Clothes right now: black shirt, dark blue "Nike" pants
Music right now: right now? nothing.
What was your last uttered sentence?: "I did NOT know that!" After reading this about roses:
"Drops of water on the leaves can cause burning, and lead to black spot disease so always water from underneath, soaking the earth until it is damp but not soggy."
Plans for the summer: Nothing right now....
Juice or alcohol: coooca cola. always.
How many pillows?: 3
Favourite weather: sunshine
Do you play any instruments?: no.
Mornings or nights?: Knight time is my time ;)
Save or waste?: SAVE!
Favourite film: nooo, i HATE these questions. i have too many....
Do you believe in life at other planets?: no
Do you remember your first love?: yes, unfortunately
Do you still love him/her?: Noooo. LOL Haven't seen him for YEARS!
Any gay friends?: of course
Is it possible to be faithful for ever?: of course
Do you consider love a mistake?: no
How many kids do you want when you grow up?: right now I have 2 *clings to them*
Cinema or walks?: yes
Are you ticklish?: you'll never know
Do you snore?: how would I know??
Afraid of insects?: no
The most disgusting insect?: no idea
I'm good at: creating
What superpower would you choose?: super strength!
What profession would you like?: gosh, ANYTHING?? Hmmm....rancher!! :) So I get to be around animals. (REAL animals. Not...human animals. LOL)
Chips, carrots or candy?: carrots
Pizza or hamburger?: PIZZA!
Do you keep a diary?: no...except for the blog
Do you have a boyfriend?: yes and a husband too (ROFL!!)
Do you ever plan to get tattood or pierced?: of course
Messy or tidy?: TIDY
Do you balance on your chair?: no
In which hand do you hold your fork?: whichever is available at the moment
Describe the boyfriend of your dreams: A certain Mr. Jonathan Knight (he is LITERALLY only in my dreams!)
How many sisters and brothers do you have?: 4 sisters, 2 brothers
Are you afraid of blood?: no
Do you salt your food?: sometimes
Do you like singing?: only for the baby or when no one's around LOL
What did you study at senior highschool?: the usual suspects
Do you consider yourself strong?: physically, kind of. spiritually, YES!!
Do you sunbathe?: There's no freaking sun in the Northwest!
What do you do when you have the hiccups?: Drink a glass of water
Do you smoke?: no
Do you take snuff?: no
Do you do drugs?: no. JUST SAY NO!!
Coffee, tea or nothing?: Both
Friday, December 14, 2007
That said, I didn't buy it that negative thinking caused negative results and that only positive thinking brings positive results. I mean, look at real life. There are times we all struggle to achieve our goals. And we have doubts. But we keep pushing forward and we never lose faith. And sooner or later, we accomplish the goals, despite having felt doubts and insecurities.
No, the "secret" which that movie is promoting is not the TRUE secret to happiness.
The REAL secret to happiness is this: We don't need to have everything. I am not saying we should have nothing. Of course it's important to have a roof over our heads, clothes to wear and food on the table. But we don't need to have EVERYTHING!
In today's society, there is just so much emphasis on having everything. Having it ALL! More money, more things, more land, more fame. More, more, more. But that's not the secret to happiness. That is not how we can TRULY enjoy our lives. Because if we have everything, there's nothing for us to really value or appreciate.
We need to be happy with what we DO have. We need to be content with our lives, and ourselves. If our lives are bad, we need to change them. But that doesn't necessarily mean that we need to have more. It just means that we need to stop and ask ourselves what it is we really want. And what it is that we really need.