Fun at the Lane County Fair 2017

The Lane County Fair came back to town last week! This is an annual event taking place in Eugene every summer. And of course, we always go every summer! We always have so much fun at the fair and the ride bracelets that allow people to go on unlimited rides until 10 p.m. are definitely a huge plus! My kids always get excited about the fair and we usually plan our trip for it weeks in advance! We usually got to the fair on a weekend because my husband works evenings all week so we went yesterday. We got home late and I was too tired to upload the 95 pictures that I took at the fair but I did upload a few of them, shared a couple on Facebook and, of course, posted my Ferris Wheel picture on the Snapshot blog like I do every year.

Today I have more time to do computer stuff so I am now blogging about our fair experience this year.

Did I mention yet that we had a great time?? It was really so much fun. I didn’t go on any rides this year (just didn’t want to) but I still enjoyed my visit at the fair.

Unfortunately, it was hot when we got there. The temp was 92 degrees. It was hot and sunny. I got pretty sweaty walking around after a while. Even though I was drinking water, I was still pretty hot and even felt a little lightheaded. I started to wonder if I was having one of those hot flashes again or just hot! I kinda got nervous about feeling like this in the heat and felt a little sluggish. I tried to get in the shade whenever possible or sit down so that I wouldn’t fall down! Eventually, though, it cooled off and I felt better.

At first, I thought we would be splitting up – with Trevor going off on hir own or with hir dad and/or me with my husband and Jesse or just me with Jesse – but we did stay together as much as possible.  On the occasions the kids went in different directions, they each had a parent stay with them. I know that Trevor is almost 16 but I just didn’t want Trev to be alone. I didn’t feel good about that, though there WERE times Trevor was alone for brief periods of time. Except for Jesse, we used our cell phones to text each other and find out where everybody was at.

Many times as I stood in one area, I could feel music playing. I wasn’t sure if it was fair music or not and Trevor pointed out that there was a band performing nearby.



At one point, as I got up to follow the kids, Trevor got my attention and let me know that I had just walked right past a friend. I really hadn't seen her! I had walked right past her! I do that sometimes. I tend to walk or run right past people I know! As I talked with her, she seemed a little hurt that I hadn't seen her and I felt really bad about that later. Fortunately, though, I saw her again later (I DID see her that time! Yay!), and so I went over to talk to her and gave her a hugf. I hope that made things right and helped her feel better. (I am terrible at noticing and recognizing people. Ugh!)

Just like last year, we ate a big fast food lunch before attending the fair because the food there is expensive (we once spent $60 on our dinner there!!) but we do buy junk food like popcorn, cotton candy and all that stuff. I had my eye on one “fair food” treat, though: Fried ice cream. I had it one year and loved it. And after dealing with being so hot, I was definitely looking forward to eating some ice cream!! Jesse got some fried ice cream too but he didn’t really like it. He also got an Elephant Ear (like Trevor did) and he liked that, too. (The Elephant Ears are good, too!)

I wanted to take a pic with Jesse but as it got darker and later, it didn’t happen. So I settled for a selfie with him.

Jesse won two toy prizes in games he played at the fair but he also got a Batman fidget spinner. I bought a Guns N Roses T-shirt. My husband asked why, since I’m deaf, I bought a band shirt. I explained that I was familiar with a couple of their songs before I lost all of my hearing. (Thanks to the movie Young Guns!) And, besides, a Guns N Roses clothing item is on my wish list. So, I was happy to get the shirt and I can cross that off my list!

Here are some of the pictures that I took at the fair. We really had a lot of fun and can’t wait to attend next year! I think next year, I will bring along extra water.

Clearing the air

Recently, a friend and I got to talking about a health-related issue that I was going through. I tried to make some dietary changes but ended up having dizzy spells and I suspected it was because of the dietary changes. (Unfortunately, the dizzy spells have happened many times before and usually when I tried to do this very thing. Sigh!) Somewhere along our conversation, though, I think she got confused about something, because she got something wrong about what I was saying. I don’t know where that came from or how that happened, but there it was.

After I realized she had made this mistake, I was trying to figure out how it had happened. I really couldn’t figure that out, but I realized, you know, this was just a misunderstanding. You know the saying, “What we have here is a failure to communicate”? I think that might have happened here. Maybe I was not communicating with her effectively.

In any event, I knew I had to clear the air with her and let her know that she had gotten something about our conversation wrong. She had misunderstood what I said, I think. Or maybe she later interpreted it wrong. Who knows! (Everybody’s perspective is different and there are SO MANY times people have taken things I have said the wrong way or taken mistakes I have made and twisted them around to make me look like I intentionally made that mistake or am an evil person. There was one time a friend and I had just one such misunderstanding and she really let me have it via text messaging. Later, after we had both cooled off, we both cleared the air, I was able to explain my side of the story and she explained her side of the story and we realized it was a misunderstanding and made up. We are still friends!)

So, yeah. I realized I had to clear the air with my friend. She IS my friend and I want to keep my friendship with her. And it was not a good idea to allow her to continue thinking that this wrong interpretation of our conversation was the RIGHT one. I had to let her know she’d made a mistake!

But….I didn’t want to. I knew if I said something, she might be embarrassed or feel stupid. She might take my pointing out the mistake the wrong way.

But it’s not like I was doing anything bad by pointing out the mistake! Like I said, it was a bad idea to allow her to continue thinking this particular thing when it was not the CORRECT particular thing! I had to let her know that was not true!

So, finally, at one point, I just did a mental about-face and told myself, “You have to SAY something!”

I had to let my friend know that there was a misunderstanding. I had to GENTLY let her know that what she thought I was saying was NOT what I was saying. That she had somehow misunderstood me. And that’s exactly what I said in my email to her this morning: “I think there has been a misunderstanding."

I did clear the air with her, but I didn’t do it in a way that was blatant or harsh. I gently let her know that what she thought I said was NOT what I had said. (And before we go into psychological debates, let me just say that I did not need to review my conversation with her to let her know that that was not what I had said – unlike that OTHER mistake that is going to be hanging over my head for the rest of my natural life!!!!!)

After I sent that email off, I actually felt better that I had cleared the air with my friend. I was relieved to have finally tackled this issue and get the truth out into the open. And if she really is my friend, she would understand. She would know that I was not trying to be condescending and I was not trying to make her look bad. We have never fought (though that COULD happen someday because that is the true test of friendship – if we forgive each other, we really ARE friends!) and we basically get along well. I love her, really. She’s an awesome friend and I hope to keep my friendship with her. And if the friendship is sound, this would not be a deal-breaker with her. (I have never known her to act all high and mighty about what she perceives or what she thinks, so I don’t think it will be.) But the bottom line is, I felt a huge weight lift off of me after I sent that email. A problem had come up between us and I finally took action with it. I was really nervous about doing so, but I couldn’t just let that SIT THERE! I had to clear the air with her, and I did.

And you know what? Getting THAT particular thing resolved and taken care of helped me to feel a little bit better about being able to tackle OTHER sticky issues with my friend, should any of that stuff come up.

So thankful for our Christmas miracle!

If there is one thing I have learned this year, it is this: Just because I have been doing something the same way for so long, that doesn’t mean I must always do it that way. No, there has to be room for trying something new. For growth and learning. For “thinking outside the box.” Something happened a few days before Christmas that made me realize that maybe the same old method of Christmas shopping for my kids just isn’t a good system to rely on anymore.

What we usually do when Christmas shopping for the kids is I get them a few things earlier in the month – usually on Cyber Monday, since I prefer to shop online, but I also did something different in that regard this year. But, yeah, I usually get them a few things. Then, later on in December, my husband buys the rest of their Christmas gifts. (It’s pretty cool that we take turns with it!) But this year, he wanted the kids to have a more “memorable” Christmas. He suggested I buy them one “big” gift and he’ll get a couple of other “big” gifts too. No little gifts like pajamas or books or stuff like that. He wanted it to be different this year. So I agreed to it and bought the kids their most-asked-for (AKA "the items they’ve been bugging me to get them all year") gifts, along with a stocking stuffer. Little did we know that this Christmas was definitely going to be a memorable one, and that was NOT going to be based on the gifts they found under the tree!

Let’s stop for a minute to cover how my Christmas shopping experience went. And let me first say that I’m a bargain hunter! If I can score a good deal on an expensive item, then I’m all over that!

First, I waited for the right day. Since most of the shopping I was planning to do was online, I waited for Cyber Monday to shop for Christmas. It was worth the wait: Not only was an item marked down 50% but I also got FREE SHIPPING -- a perk many online retailers were providing on Cyber Monday.

I also comparison shopped. One way to find the best deals on the items I was planning to buy was by comparison shopping. I check prices on an item at different stores. I also kept an eye out for any coupons or "bonus savings" being offered on an item. For one Christmas present I bought, I noticed a site was offering it at a 20% discount price. I checked a store where I could buy it locally and it was being sold at full price BUT if I bought the item through the store's website (Barnes & Noble), it was on sale for 50% off! That's a nice slice of awesome!

Another thing is I didn't settle. There was one item I wanted to buy for my son this year that was something I was NOT ready to forget about. It was really bugging me to get this thing for him. The problem is, I had a hard time finding it at a price I could afford. Although it's an old item, ordering it from Amazon or Barnes & Noble meant getting a shipping cost that was MORE than the item price! Not cool! I didn't want to pay an arm and a leg for shipping. I was willing to pay a reasonable price but not pay more for shipping than the product price! So I kept looking. I decided to hit local stores. Unfortunately, none of them had it. BUT, when I went to Target.com, I was able to buy this item from the website. Awesome Thing #1: It was at a discount price. Awesome Thing #2: Ordering from the site meant FREE SHIPPING! Yay! If I drove to another town to get this item from a Target store, it would cost more than the price on the website. But ordering it from the site meant a lower price AND free shipping! I was stoked to come across this and it was definitely worth the extra time it took to find a deal that I was happy with.

Okay, now, back to what happened a few days before Christmas.

Gee, I thought getting hit by the cable company was bad! We got hit by another company with an even larger bill to pay…three days before Christmas. We could NOT get an extension on this bill. We were forced to pay it. And the amount that we paid was almost all of the money we had for our kids’ Christmas presents as well as groceries for next week. So we were looking at not being able to get the kids anything else for Christmas. They had 1 present from Mom and Dad under their tree (along with a gift they got each other, as well as gifts from family friends).

This was really depressing. I was SO upset! That stupid company ruined my kids’ Christmas!

I shared about this on Facebook. I had felt so down and out about it that I even said I had lost faith in the spirit of helping others. I mean, why would people DO that? They were right up there with people who break into houses on Christmas Eve and steal all the presents! They were right up there with the Grinch!

I have some AMAZING friends and relatives who took the time to offer support and some suggestions on Facebook on how to turn this thing around. A lot of people I know have been in just such a situation before and they shared some really helpful information on how to handle this. My kids have never been in this situation. There was always more than one Christmas gift from Mom and Dad under the tree. So I didn’t know how to handle it. How to talk to them about it or what to do to make our Christmas happy despite this setback. I mean, even with 7 kids, my parents STILL managed to get us all more than one Christmas present every Christmas! I remember that some years, we even had a family sponsor us and get us all gifts for Christmas! Heck, a whole fire department did, one year! And when Jennifer and I were on our own and I was struggling to put food on the table, I still got her more than one Christmas present that year, because I worked as a babysitter and cleaning a friend’s house! This kinda situation was completely new for me. It wasn’t new for my husband – he comes from a family of 6 kids and he’s been there – but I really didn’t know what to do. So all of those comments and messages from people REALLY helped a lot. I soon had a plan on things we could do to make the day bright all the same.

But I think God had another idea. And I think I have God to thank for what happened because, on that night, when I was feeling so low about all of this, I did what I usually do during my darkest times: I prayed. As I prayed, I acknowledged that Christmas is not all about gifts. And I understood that this was a good opportunity for my kids to appreciate that Christmas is so much more than about getting presents. But I said, you know, it would still be nice if they had more than one gift from Mom and Dad. And I just gave the whole mess over to God. I asked Him for help and guidance and just the strength to get through this.

After that, I felt a little better. One thing I kept thinking about that night, though, was the movie A Christmas Carol. The version with Patrick Stewart is my favorite, and it’s the one we own. I remembered in that movie how the Cratchit family enjoyed Christmas despite having nothing. The savvy Mrs. Cratchit still managed to get the family a goose for their Christmas dinner, and we at least had a nice ham for our Christmas dinner. The family was all together for Christmas and WE were all together for Christmas. The family sat together on Christmas Day feeling blessed to have each other and appreciating the little things. And we would do that, too! And at least the kids still got to make and decorate gingerbread men just like they do every Christmas. And we also had a Christmas breakfast of cinnamon rolls to look forward to with our usual movie of A Christmas Story. So some of the usual traditions were with us despite the lack of gifts.

But then something pretty awesome happened. And I’m starting to think that my saying “yes” to this very first thing is what allowed the other awesome things to come our way.

One of my fellow GSP authors saw my Facebook post and contacted me. He wanted to be a “secret Santa” and give us an Amazon gift certificate so we could get the kids another gift. At first, I was not sure about accepting his gift. Usually, I have this whole “We can take care of ourselves and we don’t NEED any help!” kinda attitude. I’m all for being self- sufficient! And, anyway, I didn’t post that on Facebook hoping someone would step up and help us out. I needed ideas on what to do! But I had a strong feeling that I should accept his gift. He wanted to do something nice for our kids. And I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by turning him away. So I accepted the gift from him and his wife. I used it to get the kids yet another thing they had on their Christmas list. (Thanks, Paul and Dorothy!)

And I think that by being open to someone’s kindness and generosity, it allowed for the other things to happen, too.

One of my sisters also heard about what happened. She knew I was really upset. So she and my sister-in-law (her partner) sent us a gift basket. I was so surprised when I opened the door and saw the delivery lady there with that gift. At first, I thought they had the wrong house! I even looked at the label, saw my name, and said, “That’s me.” Wow! I was really touched. The gift basket was filled with goodies, too. Turns out Jen knew about the surprise and made sure I was at the door to receive it. What a lovely gesture! I was so touched, I had tears in my eyes. (Thanks, Millie and Allison!)

Then we got another surprise gift. Soon enough, there was someone else at our door: One of my daughter’s best friends. She had a Christmas gift for my daughter – and a family gift for us, too! How nice! I was surprised and also very touched. I ran outside and, despite the rain, went to my friend who was in her car and hugged her, thanking her for the gift and wishing them all a Merry Christmas. (Thanks, Kim!)

Then another awesome thing happened, too. My husband was able to sell something and he now had a good amount of money available to buy our kids another Christmas present! He actually got them each 2 other gifts. And he was able to get me something, too! (I had already bought his gift earlier in the month.) So I was very happy that happened and what wonderful timing for it, too! Lots of stores were having sales on Christmas Eve, which made it lots easier for him to get stuff. (Thanks, Mr. Buyer!)

So Christmas was saved for us, after all. I consider this to be our “Christmas miracle.” It was certainly a time when my prayer was answered and we learned just how much we are loved by certain people in our lives. This has helped us to appreciate our friends and family all the more and be very grateful for when we are blessed in such an amazing way. I certainly feel that these things happened for a reason and I know that the true value of these blessings should be cherished and remembered. In the past, I have helped other families who have struggled with Christmas, and it was nice to be on the receiving end of that help this year. People really came through for us and we are grateful to them all. I am also grateful to another family friend who stopped by on Christmas Day with more gifts!

As to changes to our routine, I have decided to move forward in shopping for Christmas all year long, and not just in December. That way, we can avoid financial hits like we had this year. (I guess I shouldn’t be surprised we had TWO financial hits in December this year. This year has been awful!) Also, I am DEFINITELY going to make sure we have a savings account next year. As it is, we have no savings! But next year is THE year we create our savings so we can have something to fall back on in the event of another financial disruption.

This year’s Christmas was amazing and we were definitely blessed. I hope that by next Christmas, I can spread that sort of feeling to another family, too. Because it’s a great feeling!

Giving another chance

First, let me say that I am definitely the kinda person who believes in second chances. And depending on the person, I may even give a third chance. But something happened recently that made me start to wonder about this whole “chance-giving” thing.

Today, my son asked me if he could take a toy with him to school. I couldn’t give him an answer right away. Yesterday, he’d taken this same toy with him to school and, unfortunately, he forgot it. (Well, he’s 8, so naturally he’ll forget his stuff sometimes.) I was upset, however, because the toy was a gift for his birthday last weekend, and I didn’t want it to be lost. Not cool! I had told him he can’t take his toys to school with him anymore, even though we went back to his school and it was found. Still, as a person who gives second chances, I was not prepared to say “no” right away.

But I couldn’t say “yes,” either.

Just yesterday, I was grumbling over how I’ve come across so many people who have a problem with giving people – mainly, me – a second chance after screwing up in some way or another. I know I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes. My friends – my REAL friends – know that I make mistakes. I get clumsy. I’ll have my head in the clouds. I walk right past them without recognizing them or seeing them. I say awkward shit. And, oh yeah, I SWEAR! LOL They know ALL that about me, and they have forgiven these goofs when they have come up. And we're still friends!

But, lately, I posted something on Facebook that apparently offended somebody and he unfriended me. Let me say that I know this guy in real life. I don’t know him TOO well, but we’ve been friends a long time. Well, I THOUGHT we were friends. I guess I only had to screw up one time to lose his friendship. Upon realizing this, I got angry and was all like, “Fuck him! I don’t have room in my life for fake friends, anyway!” No, I want REAL friends. And my real friends know that I screw up every once in a while. It happens! Nobody’s perfect. The important thing is, they forgive and forget. This person didn’t.

I was grumbling about that yesterday, because it reminded me that that dude was just ONE more of the many people I have met in my life who decide they want to walk out of it if I screw up once. Just! Once! One mistake, and they’re gone!

I wanted to know why these people don’t believe in giving second chances. Or even third chances.

But I know that everybody is different. Just because I believe in giving a person another chance (and I’ll only go so far with that!), I know it doesn’t mean everybody else does that, too. I have been lucky to have friends who give chances. I give them chances, too. But I know other people just don’t do that. For them, if someone makes one mistake, even if it was by accident or unintentional or because they were having a “blond moment” or they were drunk or something, they walk out of that person’s life for good. They won’t talk to them or answer their emails or anything.

There are just people like that.

And when I was fuming over it yesterday, I started to wonder. Should I start being like that, too? I mean, I am sick of all the bullshit I have had to deal with from PEOPLE. That is one reason why I am not social. Too many people in this world are jerks and they just suck. So maybe that was actually something I should start doing.

Or, so I thought. Getting back to the situation with my son, I started to ask myself why I was allowing jerks to influence me like that. Just because someone is that way, it doesn’t mean I should be that way, too.

No, I had to keep on being me. Keep doing what I’m doing. Just do my own thing.

And my own thing includes giving second chances. Especially where my children are concerned.

Besides, I reasoned, how was my son going to learn how to be responsible for his stuff if he isn’t given the chance to do so? If I told him no, I would be telling him two things: That you can’t give someone a second chance to make things right, and that he can’t learn how to be responsible for his things when he’s away from home because he can’t take his things with him.

Those were not very good messages I wanted to teach him.

So, I said “yes” – but on one condition. He had to be responsible for his toy. He had to take care of it and keep it with him or in his backpack or in his cubby. I stressed to him that he was lucky to get the toy back yesterday, but that might not happen again today. If he lost it again today, it might be lost forever. He said he was willing to take that chance. So I let him take his toy with him to school. And when I dropped him off, I reminded him about it.

Well, after I picked him up this afternoon, he had his toy with him. I gave him a high five and told him I was proud of him for being responsible with his things. I told him he’d done a good job and that I was glad he didn’t lose his toy. Yeah, he was glad, too.

And I’m glad this happened, because it only reinforced my decision. Yeah, I’m gonna keep on giving people second chances. Or even third chances. I’m gonna just keep doing what I’m doing, even if it’s not what everybody else is doing. That’s their thing, and this is mine.

Three things from my morning

Today was an unusual day – or, should I say, an unusual morning. Every once in a while, my mornings can be eventful. I get up and there’s something or another going on and I have to take care of that before I can even have my first cup of coffee. That’ll happen sometimes. But this morning, three different things happened, all in one morning! I know they say that things usually happen in threes, but these were not “bad” things. Just things that really had an impact on me.

Well, the first thing that happened this morning had to do with an event I had been invited to on Facebook. I need to back up a bit on that first and provide some background. I used to know someone locally through my daughter’s friend. This was the friend’s mom. She seemed nice so I figured I’d stay in touch with her and communicate with her every so often. Then she moved and we lost touch. Because we were connected through Facebook, I had hoped we would stay in touch at least through Facebook, but that didn’t happen. I did hear from her sometime after she moved – she needed my help with something – but after that, nothing. It’s like she dropped off the planet, or something. I figured, it’s fine. She’s going through stuff. I’ll hear from her when I hear from her. But it got to be like she didn’t really make much effort to try to communicate with me very much. I mean, it was years until I heard from her again, and even then, it was about something to do with stuff I was writing. (It was nice to know she was paying attention to what I was writing!) Then I recently heard from her again, about something mysterious, and then I get an invite to her event.

Which brings us up to date. This person organized a rally that she was hoping to get “at least 200 people” to. The rally was to be held in downtown Eugene. Now, I know that Facebook’s event invites system has it where EVERYBODY on the Friends list gets invited to an event, but when I got the invitation, I was not sure I wanted to go. I did feel bad for my friend and I expressed to her my condolences over her loss. But I was not sure about attending the rally. I had to put some serious thought into it. Be there for a friend who hardly kept in touch with me? Or put my kids first and not attend something where I could be arrested, Tasered or trampled to death if the shit hit the fan?

I decided to go with the latter. I had to think about my children. I just could not put myself into a situation where their mother would be arrested, Tasered or trampled to death if the shit hit the fan. (FYI: Part of the theme of this rally was anti-police.) I made peace with this decision – or so I thought.

This morning, as I was drinking my coffee and reading the news, I saw a news announcement about this rally on my personal Twitter feed. I took one look at that and ALL of a sudden, guilt reared its ugly head. I felt bad. I felt guilty. I felt like I was being a lousy friend.

But…I know that I made the right decision as a mother. I know that choosing NOT to participate in the rally was the right thing to do for my kids’ sake. I HAVE to be there for them. And I have to put them first. Even if I feel guilty about it or look like a lousy friend. So I saw that and just reminded myself, I made the right decision.

I had to remind myself again later on when I was logged in at Facebook and going over the Events calendar. I usually just scroll right past them when I check to see if today is anybody’s birthday, but for some reason this morning, I felt a strong feeling to look at the event invites very carefully.

Which brings us to the second thing that happened. Earlier this month, Jen got an invitation to a friend’s birthday party. The mom created an Event for this on Facebook. Because I am paranoid and suspicious by nature, I contacted the mother personally to let her know we would be there. This is why I did not say if I was “going” or to “decline” on the event page. I don’t post my plans for events and so forth on the Internet because you never know who will see it and might show up and end up killing everybody. You know? But maybe my not doing that is what caused me to be left out when I saw that the date of the event had changed. I took one look at that and I was all like, “Gah!” Suddenly I was in emergency mode, because I was pretty sure that date conflicted with something else we have plans for later on in the month. I ran to check my calendar and, sure enough, we had a scheduling conflict. I immediately contacted the friend’s mom and we talked about alternative plans. At first, I thought it was a mix-up on the date, but then I realized later on that I just did NOT get the memo that the date had been changed. I made a mental note to keep an eye out on that for next time. (Still not gonna “decline” or “accept” invitations on Facebook Event pages! Oh, I’m sure some homicidal maniac lurking on the Web, or even Big Brother, would like that.)

I am just glad that I saw that and worked things out to fix the scheduling conflict. 

As to the third thing that happened: When I was on Facebook today, I was busy scrolling through the Timeline, liking and sharing things. Also reading links to articles as well as blog posts. (And getting frustrated over a video about a church sermon that WAS NOT closed captioned so I couldn’t read anything the pastor said. Boo!) I came across something one of my friends shared that just really made me think. It was about this lady’s day in Portland being among the homeless. You can read what she wrote here:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10206173075358670&set=a.1054787822753.10463.1617551447&type=1

I thought that was an amazing thing to read. So powerful. It really moved me. The homeless problem is not just bad in Portland but it’s also bad in Eugene, too. I see A LOT of people on the streets anyime that I drive anywhere. I give when I can. And I have given in the past. But it seems that we need to do more than to just give to the homeless. The author of that article pointed out something else we need to do too: “Talk to them.” She shared how she learned so much about the people struggling on the streets and cared more about their situations just by talking to them and hearing their stories.

This gave me pause. But it also reminded me of something that happened not too long ago.

See, I don’t make it a point to talk to people. I am NOT a social person. I don’t run my mouth when I’m around people. I am usually quiet, sometimes lost in thought, sometimes lost in a fictional world or listening to the music in my head. (Music I remember before I became deaf.) Yes, it is true that my deafness is the reason why I don’t socialize. I have had to deal with SO MUCH frustration over not being able to communicate with hearing people who could not sign or did not want to write things down that I just threw up my arms and gave up trying. I would LOVE to be able to talk with hearing people, but I can’t. That’s just the way it is. (It sucks being deaf!!)

And this is why I don’t really talk to the homeless people I see on the streets. I just can’t communicate with them. It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s just that I can’t!

But this one time, something really interesting happened.

One day, not too long ago, I was driving home from a doctor appointment. I came to a stoplight where a homeless man was holding up a sign saying “ANYTHING HELPS.” As a deaf driver, I make it a point to stay attentive to my surroundings and take notice of EVERYTHING when I am at a stoplight. This way, I can catch sight of people waiting to cross the street, a bicyclist coming to a stop beside me or a siren flashing of a police car or some other. I took notice of the man standing on the corner before I started looking around at everything else. (I have to rely on my eyes since I can’t rely on my ears!) Then I happened to see that the man was talking to me, gesturing and saying it was a hot day. I smiled at having understood what he said and replied that, yes, it was hot today. He started using gestures as he talked and, surprisingly, I was able to understand what he was saying as he talked just BECAUSE of these gestures. I was basically able to have a brief conversation with him thanks to his hand movements. That was a really nice surprise and I was glad for it too. I was glad I was able to understand the silent voice of someone who just wanted to be heard. And guess what? On that day, he was heard by a deaf person.

So after reading that article, and remembering that experience, I realized that, you know, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to give talking to them a chance. If I don’t understand them, then I don’t understand them. I will have to cross that bridge when I get to it. They just want someone to talk to or to get a smile from. If I can do that one thing despite being deaf, then I’ll call the rest of my day a good one.

The fallout from being slandered on Facebook

Some time ago on Facebook, I posted a mini-rant about someone. One person on my Friends list knew this person and pointed out that it wasn’t fair that I was saying as much when this person was not able to defend himself in response to what I said. That was a very good point and since then I have kept that in mind before I post stuff. (Though I gotta say: I no longer post ANYTHING like that that has to do with personal relationships because I would rather talk with the person privately instead of whining about it on Facebook. Whining does not solve anything!) Unfortunately, there are some people out there who do not think that way. Today I came across someone who I do not know and who is not on my Friends list but whose page I checked out because, from what I learned through a private discussion with a friend, he was slandering her on his page. I checked it out and, yes, unfortunately, he WAS slandering her on his Facebook page. By name. I was outraged because this dude was acting like such a hypocrite and he was trashing MY FRIEND. The worst part was that my friend could not defend herself because he unfriended her. That is just not cool.

The big thing that I worried about because of this, though, is that from now on, everybody on his page who saw that would forever believe that this particular person is EVIL. That she DISCRIMINATES. I won’t post my friend’s name here because I respect her privacy, but I WILL say that this dude was WRONG and anybody who believes him is WRONG. And I also gotta say that I have been where my friend is now. I was not attacked by name but, boy, did I get my ass chewed out on Facebook over a stupid meme. My worry then was the same that I had for my friend now: That everybody who saw all of that would believe what I was wrongfully accused of.

But I want to tell my friend the same thing I told myself after all of that blew over. I want to tell her this: If everybody who sees that post believes what that guy says about you, screw them. They do not know you. They do not understand you. They probably want some reason or another to gracefully bow out of your life without looking like a total jerk because they’re going to ride their Righteous Horse for all it is worth and BELIEVE what they think of you no matter what. And you have to let that go. Don’t waste your time trying to tell them they are wrong or defend yourself to them because They. Don’t. Care. They want to have this NEGATIVE view of you and milk it for all it is worth to make THEM look like some martyr or a prince and YOU look like a sack of shit. I’m sorry, but it is true. That’s how people are.

And, you know, if they were looking for some excuse to drop you, then maybe it’s a good thing this all happened. Because at least now you know that they didn’t really care about you at all. It hurts, yes, but there are people who wouldn’t bat an eye over hurting someone. It’s a cold, hard fact about this world. You know, people suck. You could try convincing them that they are wrong and you can talk until you are blue in the face, but they won’t listen. They won’t care. They will believe what the other person said. Or they will believe this incorrect and negative view that they have of you forever and ever and ever.

And, you know what? You don’t need people like that in your life. If they are the kind of person who does not want to take time to get to know you, understand you and accept you the way you are, then don’t chase after them when they choose to walk out of your life. In fact, show them the door!

People who DO know you will understand that you are not that person. People who DO care about you will realize what’s going on and remain your friend, confidante, whatever, No. Matter. What. I mean, they’ll see that crap that guy said and think that, obviously, there was a misunderstanding. There was some form of miscommunication. Or maybe that guy is just being a jerk.

So don’t sweat jerks like that. Yes, it’s wrong of them to slander you like that on Facebook, but really, there’s not much you can do about it. Just write them off. Accept their unfriending you with a glad heart. Because now you know what kind of person they REALLY are, and you are better off that they have walked out of your life. Good riddance!

10 years in Oregon

Today marks the 10th anniversary of when I left California for Oregon. I came here with my husband and child, who was 3 at the time. Originally, I didn’t want to leave California. Specifically, I didn’t want to leave my family, who lived close by. My parents, siblings, nephews. My older brother lived 2 hours away in L.A. I was so close to many of them and I really didn’t want to leave them, especially my mom. I also didn’t want to live somewhere where there was no family, I didn’t know anybody and it’s not like there was a job waiting for me in Oregon, like there had been for my husband. I was happy right where I was but he was not. He wanted a better job. Better opportunity. A better life for our child. After 2 weeks of his talking to me about it, I finally agreed to the move. My parents and I thought things would not work out for the best and we’d move back, but that didn’t happen.

We spent 10 days living in motels until we found a place to live. We actually got a place to live on my husband’s birthday.

I was devastated to learn that all of the things I had left behind in California HAD NOT been claimed by my family, as we had tried to do. What happened was, we had too much stuff to fit it all into the truck, and I had asked my parents and siblings to help me get the stuff out of the garage and somewhere or another. The problem was, we were living in a duplex, and our neighbors had the garage door opener, not us. So we could not get into the garage to get my stuff. And they refused to answer the door anytime we knocked and wanted to ask them to open the garage for us. So, none of us ever got to it and I was forced to leave it behind because we had to be in Eugene on a certain date. (It was a stupid arrangement, I know. We should have been able to get into the shared garage!!) My family had assured me they’d go get my stuff but that did not happen in time. The landlady in California hauled it all off to the junkyard. There were some irreplaceable things I had lost. It bothers me even still.

My husband and I had been having problems in our marriage even before we left California. The problems only got worse and it was harder still because I didn’t have any family around or living nearby to help out with that. I got to the point where I decided to divorce him. I was set on this decision. I later learned that I had to wait 6 months to become an official resident of Oregon before I could file for divorce. That did eventually happen and we were divorced for 7 months. During that time, first I was hoping that my daughter and I would have a better life with someone new who I had THOUGHT I had found love with, but that never happened. Then I tried to move back to California to be closer to my family again but I just didn’t have the money for that or the resources. So I gave up on THAT idea, too. Then I had a fling with someone who I got together with ONLY because I was constantly being pressured to get with someone new from someone in my family, and THAT was a disaster! (And I learned to never again bow in to that kinda pressure. It’s MY life, not THEIR life. Lesson learned, ya know?)

Meanwhile, my child was struggling with the divorce and I felt bad because her dad was depressed over the whole thing. We talked a lot and he helped us out with some things. He became more present in our lives again even though he was not living with us anymore. (I had moved out of our apartment and into a small 2-bedroom house which I felt was a suitable temporary residence.) I started to think I had made a mistake and that my daughter would be happier if her dad and I were together again. Instead of focusing on trying to make ME happy, I started focusing on trying to make my child happy. Her pain was my pain, too. It killed me to see her deal with her sadness over what happened with me and her dad. I cried when she cried. I just wanted her to be happy again. So, her dad and I eventually reconciled and remarried because the divorce was just too hard for our daughter. (We had NO counseling and NO resources.) Also, I was desperate for another child.

I am glad I made the decision to give him another chance. It has been a long, hard road for both of us but we eventually got to a point where our second marriage was happier and it still is. Our marriage is stronger than ever now and I fell in love with this man all over again. He proved to me he could be the husband and father I wanted him to be. Just goes to show that people CAN change and it’s worth it to give someone a second chance.

Still, it wasn’t like that at the beginning. Things were still patchy between us, even though we were back together again. And it didn’t help that I still had feelings for that other person. I eventually got to a point where I realized, you know, this wasn’t right. I can’t love two men at once. I had to pick one – the RIGHT one. The one who was actually IN my life. The one who was actually making an effort to be with me. So I erased all of that from my heart and my life. I had to forget that other person. My heart was not in the right place and it HAD to be in the right place, because it was part of why I was so miserable for so long. And I eventually got to that point. I gave my husband my WHOLE heart, not just part of it. (And this is why I like to say, “Follow your brain, because your heart is an idiot.”) My husband and I both worked together to work out those issues we were dealing with. We wanted to be together, we wanted things to work this time around, so we were BOTH willing to step up and work things out. And now things are even better than before. It took a long time to get there but we hung in there, stayed committed, and we got to that point.

And, that other child? That is where Jesse enters the picture. Soon after we got back together again, I was thrilled to learn that I was pregnant with my second child. I was just as thrilled to learn I was having a boy. I’d always wanted a son and now I was going to have a son. That was a great feeling. (I feel very blessed to have one girl and one boy. Of my siblings, I am the only one to have just one of each gender! My older brother has 3 boys, my older sister has 3 boys, my younger sister has 2 girls and a boy, etc.) Little did I know the challenges that lay ahead in raising a boy, but I would not have changed anything at all. I am happy with my son and grateful he is in my life. And Jennifer has proven she can be a good big sister – even though she and Jesse tend to fight sometimes.

Here is a picture of Jesse taken hours after he was born:

And here is a picture of Jesse now. He is 7 years old. This picture was taken at the Eugene Public Library:

And while I'm at it showing pictures, here's Jennifer shortly after we moved to Eugene:

And here is Jennifer now:

This is me then:

And this is me now:

Sometime after Jesse was born, we moved out of the tiny house on West 11th into a bigger house my husband was able to find for us thanks to someone at his work. (I LOVE this house, by the way, even though we do not own it.) Fortunately, this house is located in an amazing neighborhood with amazing neighbors. We all look out for each other, really, and there’s a neighborhood watchgroup that sends out alerts of suspicious behavior, etc.

I have also made some amazing friends here in Eugene. They are not all in my neighborhood but I have met them through my kids’ schools and just from seeing in the area. I am so very grateful for all of the friends I have made here in Eugene. One of them is like a sister. She’s just awesome!

A lot has happened in the 10 years we have lived here, for all of us. We have had quite a few changes, gone through things and experienced firsts here in Eugene. I had some growing up to do and I have definitely filed a lot of my experiences under “things to learn from.”

I had to learn how to ride the city bus, because up until that time, I had never used public transportation. At that time, I didn’t have a car, and walking everywhere with a young child was becoming inconvenient. I also had to apply for public assistance, for the first time as a parent. Up until then, I looked down on people receiving food stamps or money from the state to help out in hard times. I kept thinking I would NEVER ask for handouts. Well, I had to ask for handouts, because life got pretty hard for a while there. It was definitely a wake-up call for me in viewing people receiving food stamps, as well as the experience of receiving and using food stamps. I had to become a smart shopper and meal planner to make that $10 a month work for us! I also had to abandon my desire to be a work-at-home mom, because work was really scarce, and try to get a job outside of the home. I applied for several jobs and eventually landed two, where I worked part-time (it was babysitting and housecleaning). THAT was also an adjustment and quite a change for me, too.

Jennifer is now a teenager. She had her first sports experience playing baseball through KidSports (where Jesse now plays soccer), her first surgery that was in Portland and her first date. She has made some awesome friends who she couldn’t dream living far away from. She went to preschool here, which I was surprised to learn I had to pay for (preschool was free in California, at that time). And now she has been learning how to manage when being left home alone, since she is legally old enough to be left home alone.

Jesse has had ALL of his firsts here in Oregon, because he was born here. He is the only one of us to be born in Oregon. Jennifer and I were both born in California. Her dad was born in the Northeast. Jen and I do still share that “California philosophy” about life but Jesse is a TRUE Oregonian in that he loves the outdoors, he’s active, athletic and he’s concerned about the environment. (And, hey! I DO care about the environment, but I’m not a fanatic about it.)

Things have definitely been pretty interesting here in Oregon. I have blogged about a lot of the things that we have gone through while living here. I actually started blogging because it was my way of staying in touch with family back in California and keeping everybody updated. (My parents and some of my siblings eventually moved to Illinois, to be closer to my mom’s family.) It has been hard living far away from family. I have not seen some of my siblings for years. The original plan was to go to California once a year to visit with everybody but for some reason, we stopped doing that. (My husband’s family lives in California, too.) So we have not seen family for a long time. My sister, Millie, and sister-in-law, Allison, came to visit us once, but that was about it. It has been hard. I recently saw some of my sisters in Illinois and that was just awesome. (We’re talking about planning a reunion!) I miss the closeness of my family. I miss being able to walk over to my sister’s house and chat over a cup of coffee. I miss being able to have a sibling nearby for emergencies or some other. (And I have definitely learned the importance and value of being self-sufficient because we have HAD to be self-sufficient!!)

But, even so, we do have a good life here. We have a good set-up for the kids here.

My husband has a good job he was eventually promoted at. And he still works there after 10 years!

My children have good doctors, healthcare options, recreational opportunities, athletic opportunities, as well as good schools with amazing staff. They have good friends, too, and some of them are like family to us. We’re even an emergency contact for one of them.

And I, as a deaf person, have had good options available to me through the city and state. I HAVE experienced quite a bit of discrimination against the deaf here in Eugene, but for the most part, things have gone well. I never really did fit in at my church because they stopped putting everything on the screen for people to read, plus my ASL interpreters both left, but that’s okay. While I was still a Christian, I worshipped in my own way. The kids missed going to church but I could never really find another one that was deaf-friendly. Eventually, we gave up on that and nowadays we aren’t really religious so much anymore, so it’s not really an issue. As to employment, I DID manage to enroll in a childcare training program and I was working there, too, but that also came to an end. (I don’t think I’ll be returning to that line of work, but no way will I ask the state to remove me from their system. I had to jump through too many hoops to get into that system at all!) I have continued to work from home with the writing, but I no longer pursue it. These days, I just write books (which I do not get any advances for, but I have an amazing publisher who I wouldn’t dream of leaving!). I am trying to get SOMETHING in place to develop some kind of connection with the community or the city or even the state. You know? My husband has something keeping him here. My kids have something keeping them here. But I…really don’t have anything keeping me here. Really. And it bugs me because I think I kind of need to have that. Some kind of “connection.” I don’t have that connection! No church. No group. No social club or anything. I have had health issues preventing me from doing specific tasks, but after all that’s cleared up, I plan on doing some volunteer work until I can get a job somewhere. SOME kind of job. Anywhere. Then hopefully I will have that connection. A reason to stay in Oregon come what may. (And I know I have my friends here, but I have friends all over the place. Friendship is not something that exists only because we live in the same neighborhood or city. I still have friends back in California, actually.)

After 10 years of living in Oregon, I can say it has been quite a ride. So much has happened. So much has changed. Life has really taken many turns and there’s been a lot of plot twists. We’ve had good times, we’ve had bad times. We’ve gone through so much. We have loved, lost, dealt with heartache, had our struggles and some pretty major challenges. We have had to go through losing people we loved (both of my parents passed away in Illinois) and not seeing people we loved. Not really having that family closeness that I once knew. My heart aches because my kids can’t visit their two remaining grandparents anytime they want to (and Jesse only saw my parents once in his life!). But this is all stuff that we have to carry on our shoulders. This is all stuff that has helped us to become the people that we are today. We learned from all of it. We grew from all of it. We recognized mistakes made and the lessons learned. And we are grateful for every one of those experiences, because we learned from it all, grew stronger from it all, and survived it all.

I like to say “Life is the adventure!” and, you know, it’s true. Life really is an adventure. Life, real life, is where we learn, we grow and we overcome. We have challenges, we have struggles, we have painful experiences and scary experiences. But we also have some good experiences, too. Those are the experiences that we need to embrace and hold onto. I often think I have so many stories to tell – stories about life and all the things that happen in it. Life is the adventure, but it’s also the story.

And this was the story of how life has been for us after 10 years of living in Oregon.      

A child tried as an adult

As a parent of a young child, I often have to remind myself of 2 things:

1. He is only 7 years old.

2. He’s just a child.

That second one pretty much does it for me. Yes, my son IS still just a child. He is a child and I am the adult. No matter how mad he makes me, I STILL have to be the adult, the mature one, and act accordingly. I have to set an example because I am his parent, his role model.

But I also have to understand that, yes, he IS just a child. He does not understand everything we grown-ups understand. He is not mature enough to express himself as an adult. He is still LEARNING and GROWING. And, unfortunately, there are some things he has not been taught yet.

And also unfortunately, that ended up being a problem for him today.

Today, Jesse was at a playdate at his friend’s house. After a while, he came home really upset and told me he had been banned from his friend’s house. I asked him what had happened and he said he had done something without asking permission: He explained he had been playing in the backyard with his friend then he had gone into the house and into a hall closet looking for something and he got in trouble for that. After a while, he thought he could go back to play with his friend outside. But after I explained to him what exactly it meant to be “banned” from somewhere, he broke down and cried. My heart really went out to my little boy as he sat on my lap with his head against my chest, sobbing. He had so looked forward to playing with his friend again and now he couldn’t.

I was a little concerned about this, too. I felt that banning Jesse for what he did was a little drastic. I mean, he is just a little boy and he didn’t know he had to ask permission. That had never been explained to him. I texted the child’s father to talk with him about it and after I got more information, I apologized and asked if I could walk Jesse over to apologize in person. I never got a response so I had Jesse text him his apology. I had also offered to host playdates here from now on because Jesse and this boy are best friends but still no response on that either.

I am a little upset over the whole thing, not only because of the punishment but also the fact that Jesse had even done that. But Jesse is VERY upset because he thinks he’ll never be able to play with his friend ever again. This child is his best friend. They’ve been buddies for years and they have even played soccer together. I tried to console Jesse that at least they’ll be playing soccer together again soon, but it was of no comfort to him. He was miserable thinking he’ll never get to play with his best friend again.

I also feel guilty too. I haven’t EXACTLY explained to Jesse what’s expected when he is a guest in someone’s home. I have not told him he needs to ask before playing with something that doesn’t belong to him when he is at a friend’s house (we HAVE gone over that many times at home with his sister’s stuff) nor have I told him that he needs to follow the rules when he is at a friend’s house.

But I know that, as a little boy, he tends to forget things. (Boys ALWAYS forget things!!) And I realize too that because he has hung out at that house so many times and we’ve known these people for years and they’re our good friends, there is a sense of familiarity among us and it’s a whole “mi casa su casa” sort of thing when he’s there. I understand that could’ve been what made Jesse feel comfortable enough to do such a thing.

But now he knows he cannot feel that way at his friend’s house. He has learned that lesson the hard way, unfortunately.

I really do hope he will be able to play with his best friend again, and not just at soccer. I totally respect the dad’s decision not to have Jesse in his home, but I really, really hope Jesse and his friend can continue to hang out in some way and have some playtime together somehow, even if it’s at the park or just to ride bikes. They shouldn’t have their friendship put on hold or destroyed over something like this. Jesse made a simple mistake, he is sorry, and I would feel really bad if he lost a friend because of that mistake.


UPDATE
As of 3/22/15, this matter has been resolved. Jesse will be able to play with his friend again, just on different terms. Things will be different all around, from now on.