I have not lost my way

One thing that I like to do when I’m logged in at Facebook is to share funny, cute and inspiring photos. The photos I choose to share either reflect my sense of humor or my philosophies. Or I share stuff just to have a good laugh with others. But sometimes, I’ll see something that I’d like to share, but the one thing that stops me is, believe it or not, a typo. I mean, seriously! If a word isn’t spelled correctly, then that really bugs me! Sometimes, though, I understand typos are intentional, like for funny animal pictures, and I’m cool with that. Still, a typo will give me pause. What WILL NOT give me pause is the site the picture came from or what sort of item is being “advertised” somewhere in a picture.

I don’t post a picture just to endorse a website or a certain drink. And it really bothers me when people take issue with that. You know? It’s really dumb. And I have to say right here and now that I DID NOT post a recent photo in an attempt to say “Yay Wiccans!” I posted it for the MESSAGE that was in that photo.

Now this sort of post bothered a certain cousin of mine, who is a Christian minister. He took issue with the photo coming from a Wiccan site. (Disclaimer: I’m a Christian, NOT a Wiccan. I HAVE tried the Wiccan path before but it was not for me.) His first post on this photo bothered me, but before I responded, I asked him what exactly was the problem. You know? I just wanted to see what it was he took issue with, over something that was, I might add, on MY Facebook page and not his. So when he spelled it out, it was THEN that I responded.

My cousin’s response was, I felt, judgmental and negative of Wiccans. While I’m not going to take any sides or anything when it comes to religion, I WILL speak out against intolerance and negativity towards others. I cannot stand discrimination, intolerance, racism or judgments against others, and I will fight anyone who thinks they can get away with being negative towards me, or other people. Especially if they think they can do that on MY Facebook page.

People, that’s not what I am about. I love and respect ALL people, no matter what their religion is or their beliefs or their lifestyles. I accept people the way they are, and I will not judge them. I have friends who are Wiccans, Pagans, atheists, Christians, Catholics, Jews, agnostics and all the rest. I have friends and family who are gay, and some who are straight. And I love them all. I will not judge or be negative towards any one of them. This is their choice and I totally respect that. And you know what? They respect MY beliefs, too. That is all that I ask of them. I respect their beliefs and they respect mine.

I am not a judgmental person. I would rather show kindness, friendship, compassion and love towards someone of a different religion, rather than judgment. It is not for me to judge someone because of their faith. Only God has the right to judge.

Now, that said, yes, I AM a Christian. And you know what? I still call myself a christian even though I accept others despite religious differences – and my cousin thinks that is BAD.

I would have let this whole thing go if it had not been for what happened this morning. The whole furor over that photo took place yesterday, and I would have let it go. A new day is a new start, right? Let bygones be bygones. But, against my better judgment, I decided to have a look at my cousin’s Facebook page this morning. And I was outraged at what I saw. His most recent post was about how he thinks it’s so very, very tragic that “confessing believers” ignore the Will of God. Not only this, but he says this certain “believer” (me) has decided to “pick and choose” what we want to do in God’s name.

I was very angry about this. And I’m sorry, I love my cousin, but I had to unfriend him. I just don’t want people judging me like that.

Some people think that they know me, but they DO NOT know me. I am not the “devoted good little Christian” they tried to fashion me into. I am a more modern Christian, a "Different Kind of Christian,” who loves and accepts all. I believe this is how God would want us to represent Him to others. Show love, kindness and acceptance. Not hatred, judgments or scorn. You know, what ever happened to “love the sinner but hate the sin”? Or how about “judge not, lest ye shall be judged”?

And if I am going to be judged for being the way I am, then I don’t want those kinds of people around me. Obviously, they don’t understand me. They don’t get that I will not judge others. I have my own beliefs, and other people have theirs.

And instead of preaching to others YOUR religion or shoving YOUR religion down another person’s throat, why not try a different approach instead and show them the Word of God through actions instead of words? Actions DO speak louder than words! Let your ACTIONS be for the glory of God and in Jesus’ name, and maybe that will inspire a nonbeliever. You know? It’s just a thought.

Judging others is a turnoff. A nonbeliever would not feel so welcome to listen to what a Christian has to say if all a Christian says is ‘You’ll burn in Hell for denying God.” That just doesn’t work.

But anyway, I choose not to judge others. That sort of thing is negative and it causes drama. The LAST thing I want to do is spread hate and negativity to others! And I have a “no drama” policy on MY Facebook page. So, ya know what? That sort of thing is not welcome on my page.
 
I love my cousin and I’m willing to forgive, but you know, if he does that sorta thing, then I’d rather not put myself into that position anymore.

I will not pass on sharing stuff on Facebook just because of what site it comes from or what drink it advertises. And I will not adopt a self-righteous attitude when it comes to others who have a different religion. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m a sinner. I’m not a saint. But I’m not someone who "picks and chooses’ what part of God’s Word to obey. I do not “focus only on this world.” If I was a missionary, then MAYBE I’d make it my mission to convert everybody else to Christianity. But I’m not a missionary. I am just an ordinary Christian who loves and accepts all. Let’s try and show a little love and kindness towards each other. This world is hard enough to survive. The last thing we need to do is make it harder for us all to get along. Spread love, not hate. Peace!

12 wished-for books for Christmas

Since I had some free time this evening, I decided to check out one of several articles I have bookmarked to read at leisure. One such article was "The 12 books of Christmas" by Sarah Crompton. This inspired me to create a list of 12 books I would like to receive for Christmas. Of course, I know I won't receive all 12. (LOL! Sure is a nice thought, though.) But I decided to go ahead and create the list, anyway. Besides, I had to wonder if there are 12 books I'd like to receive as gifts for Christmas, what would they be?

While creating this list, I decided to have a theme for it. I don't have a whole lot of Christmas-themed books on my mega wish list of books I'd love to own someday, but I DO have a lot of Bible and religious-themed books. So these are those kinds of books from my wish list. Since I am planning to really work at studying and reading through the Bible next year (one of my personal goals for the year), I have some books on my list that might compliment this. Also, I am writing a book about prayer, so I also look for those kinds of books, too. I don't have a Kindle or e-reader, so I had to limit the books on my wish list to books that are available in print.


1. A Bible
(Unfortunately, my KJV Bible is falling apart. I am sad about this because I have had it since 1985 and it was given to me by my dear aunt and uncle. So it's time to get a new one and the one I have will be a keepsake.)

2. Know God and Love Him by Joanne M Rypma

3. You Were Made for More: The Life You Have, the Life God Wants You to Have by Jim Cymbala

4. The Peace God Promises by Ann Spangler

5. The 52 Greatest Stories of the Bible: A Devotional Study by John Alan Turner and Ken Boa

6. Bible: The Story of the King James Version 1611-2011 by Gordon Campbell

7. Through the Bible in One Year: A 52-Lesson Introduction to the 66 Books of the Bible by Alan B. Stringfellow

8. Revelation of the Magi: The Lost Tale of the Wise Men's Journey to Bethlehem by Brent Landau

9. The Authentic Letters of Paul by Arthur J. Dewey

10. Meetings with Mary: Visions of the Blessed Mother by Janice T. Connell

11. Tortured for Christ by Richard Wurmbrand

12. How to Pray Without Talking to God: Moment by Moment, Choice by Choice by Linda Martella-Whitsett

Why is this an issue?

Recently, one of my cousins posted a “post this for 1 hour if you agree” status update on her Facebook page. The message was in support of gay rights. Someone on her Friends list posted judgmental comments and made discriminating remarks against gays and homosexuals. It got so bad that she had to block him. (This was a childhood friend.) While I’m all for gay rights and agree we should not judge them (only God can judge), I have to wonder why a person’s sexual preference is even made an issue. Why is it so important that we all know what everyone does in the bedroom?

The reason why I feel this way is because I just don’t see the logic in judging someone based on their sexual preference. Whatever happened to judging someone based on their character? Their skills? How about judging someone for how they treat others? Is any of this making any sense?

A person’s sexual preference does not interfere with how well they can do a job or how they treat others. Heck, it does not even influence how they treat their co-workers! (And on that note, I’ve heard of some straight employees who treat their co-workers pretty rotten.)

And yet, sadly, we live in a society where a person’s sexual preference is being judged, even harshly. This is just so wrong. If a person is gay, then no matter what they have done in the past, what kind of perfect record they have at their job or how nice they have been to others, they are OUT OF HERE. Apparently, some people are just so insecure, self-righteous, homophobic or judgmental that they simply won’t tolerate being around someone who is homosexual. Once again a person’s sexual preference is being judged, and not their character.

In some way, I guess people are always going to find something to judge another person with. If it’s not their sexual preference, it’s their religion, the color of their skin or what university they graduated from. People these days are so judgmental of others that to NOT have some kind of judgment against people seems almost unreasonable.

We should not judge other people. It’s not for us to get on our high horse and say “I am better than you.” Really, is anybody really so perfect themselves that they can be in a position to judge everybody else? And on the note of judging a homosexual: Can’t people even see past this difference and get to know the PERSON instead? Stop seeing someone as “gay” or “lesbian.” See them as a HUMAN BEING.

Because, bottom line, that’s what they are. That’s what we all are. We’re all in this world together, and if we want to survive in this world together, we need to stop this hatred, stop this discrimination and stop this judgment of each other. Life itself is hard enough. Let's not make this journey any harder.

Forgiveness and karma

Lately, I have had forgiveness on my mind. Mainly, forgiving others. I was reading a column about the importance to forgive in the newspaper the other day, and it really got me to thinking. Actually, this is a topic I will occasionally revisit, only because I have had a very hard time forgiving someone that did a Very Bad Thing to me long ago. I thought I had forgiven him, but because it still makes me angry, I guess I haven't.

That column I read really touched a nerve. It stressed that carrying around a grudge was unhealthy, and that even if the person who has wronged us does not ask for forgiveness, then we should still try to forgive them all the same. I know this is true, how carrying around a grudge can be unhealthy. But I just haven't been able to bring myself to forgive that person yet. He has never asked for forgiveness. In fact, he acts like he didn't do anything wrong. And even if I did forgive him, he'd laugh about it, thinking he got away with a crime.

In a way, he did....

The other day, I was thinking more on this. I always keep asking myself, "WHY did he do that to me? Why?" But I know the reason why. I KNOW it. The family he is in loves HIM more than any of the other family members, and he knows he could get away with anything because, in his mother's eyes, he could Do No Wrong. Also, he was the "special" one in the family. He was raised to believe he was superior to others. That is why he did what he did. I understand that. But I still get angry. That should NOT have happened.

But it did happen. I can't change the past. I believe that we can learn from the past and draw strength from it. But that has not happened, with this particular incident.

I also know that, because he is not remorseful, he would just do it again to somebody else. That is another reason why it's so hard for me to forgive him.

But I could write a whole book of reasons why I should not forgive him. The bottom line is, they are only excuses.

I don't need to forgive him for him. I need to forgive him for myself. It does trouble me that I have not.

All the same, this has made me think about other people out there who have had worst things visited upon them by bad people. Parents whose child was murdered. A child who was abandoned by a drug-addicted mother. I know there are people who have had worse. And I wonder, have they managed to forgive the wrongdoer?

I think if they can, then so can I.

And, you know, this isn't about vengeance. I don't want revenge. I just want closure on that part of my past. I want to stop getting angry over it. I want to heal that wound.

And as for vengeance, well, I am reminded of a quote from the Bible: "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." When someone does something wrong to one person, something wrong is done to them. It's the law of karma, which I believe in. You get what you give. I have seen this in action. I have done bad things to people in the past, and I have had bad things happen to me in return. Sometimes, it's the exact same thing I did. (I was reminded of this today, in fact. Someone in my family who stiffed me ended up getting stiffed by another family member. What goes around comes around!) And, in fact, the person who did that to me has had bad things happen to him, too. You know, life has a way of balancing things out. An eye for an eye. So I have no interest in seeking vengeance.

Just...forgiveness. Peace. Closure.

I have prayed on this a lot. I will continue to pray on it. Hopefully someday, I will be able to forgive that wrongdoer. That is the one thing I must do before I can find peace. Forgive.

"When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive."-Alan Paton

Excerpt from Bringing Up Girls, Dr. James Dobson's opinion of the movie Grease

As we have seen, the popular culture refers to public nudity as "becoming comfortable with your body." Huge numbers of girls have accepted that interpretation and brazenly disrobed for Playboy, for movie producers, for soft-core and hard-core pornographers, and for anyone else who offers to pay them. It is another form of prostitution, of course. Some teenage girls seeking attention receive no compensation in return. In a transmission called "sexting," they send nude or sexually explicit photographs through their cell phones or the Internet to boyfriends, who download the images. The guys can then distribute the pictures widely for decades to come. More than 20 percent of teens have engaged in this activity.Whatever happened to the voice of conscience that told generations of young women that disrobing before strangers was wrong and cheap? It has been perverted by a popular culture that instead condemns modesty and morality, urging girls to get comfortable with nudity.

Everywhere teens turn, they hear versions of the same party line. I am reminded of the enormously successful movie Grease, which subtly helped to weaken what was left of traditional morality. It was released in 1978 but set in the 1950s as a fluffy, glitzy, relatively tame musical about teenage love. The film starred John Travolta as Danny Zuko, a big man on campus who made the girls swoon. Olivia Newton-John played a cute little blonde named Sandy who was a newcomer from Australia. Clearly, she didn't know the ropes. She was a "good girl" who usually dressed in white or pale yellow. Every other girl at Rydell High seemed to be having more fun than she was, and in fact, her new friends were concerned about Sandy's embarrassing innocence. They invited her to a sleepover to toughen her up.

Sandy's virginity was the focal point of the party. When one of the girls, Frenchy, offered to pierce Sandy's ears, another girl handed her a "virginity pin" to penetrate the lobe. Get it? the blood was symbolic of the loss of virtue. The girls introduced Sandy to wine and smoking, which sent her scurrying into the bathroom to throw up. While she was inside, the brashest member of the clique, Rizzo, said, "Little goody two shoes makes me wanna barf." Then she put on a blonde wig and began to sing, mockingly:

Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity.
Won't go to bed till I'm legally wed,
I can't, I'm Sandra Dee.

The lyrics went on to lampoon Sandy's good-girl image. The relationship between Sandy and Danny continued to go sour in the days that followed. He took her to a drive-in movie and gave her his school ring. "That means so much to me," she said. "It means you respect me." Then Zuko made his move. He tried to touch Sandy's breast and then pinned her down on the front seat of his car. Sandy screamed and struggled free, then stumbled from the car. The incident frustrated Zuko and caused a rift between them, after which they drifted apart. Sandy was very confused by what was happening.

Then a drag race was staged at the Los Angeles River, pitting Zuko against his rival. Sandy is seen sitting in the distance and thinking about what had gone wrong in their relationship. Suddenly, it hit her. She realized she was altogether "too good." That led her to sing Rizzo's sleepover song sadly,

Wholesome and pure, of so scared and unsure,
A poor man's Sandra Dee.

The last words of the song are, "Good-bye to Sandra Dee." Remember that Sandy was said to be "lousy with virginity." That was the big problem.

Sandy knew exactly what she had to do. She asked Frenchy to oversee a makeover, and in the next scene a vampish-looking Sandy emerged wearing a leather jacket, skintight leather pants, and spike heels. She saw Zuko and said, "Tell me about it, Stud." They pranced through a dance number at an all-school carnival, at times moving their hips toward each other symbolically to the beat of the music. Then they got into a futuristic car and soared into the clouds while the students at Rydell High danced with glee.

I have described this entertaining movie in detail, not because it is the worst movie that has ever been produced. It is actually rather tame and quite funny. I have singled out Grease because it subtly and convincingly destroys virginity as a virtue. It illustrates precisely the point Shalit and Liebau make in their books. Being "wholesome and pure, oh so scared and unsure" is how girls are told they will feel if they are too virtuous. ... Girls today, like their predecessors, look to Sandy's character as a role model who teaches them why they also need to get rid of their lousy virginity. Today's girls are warned that they'll never get the attention of guys if they continue to look and act like Sandra Dee.



Excerpt from Bringing Up Girls by Dr. James Dobson. Copyright 2010 by James C. Dobson. Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. The excerpt was taken from the hardcover edition of this book, which was a gift to me. The excerpt is from pages 158-60.

Bringing Up Girls: Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next Generation of Women by Dr. James Dobson

Messages from Beyond

A funny thing happened not too long ago. I kept calling my daughter's coach "Kim." Now what's so funny about that, you might ask? Her name is not "Kim." It's actually another "K" name, but I'd rather not write it here since this is a public blog and she's kinda/sorta appeared in a T-ball pic or two on here.

Anyway! I thought it was very odd indeed that I kept calling her "Kim." It was completely by accident. And I kept trying to figure out, what's up with that??

But I kinda/sorta had a clue.

Before this started happening, I came across a book at the bookstore which I desperately wanted to buy: Animals and the Afterlife: True Stories of Our Best Friends' Journey Beyond Death by Kim Sheridan Ph.D. I have long been fascinated by animal ghosts and animals in the afterlife ever since my beloved dog Lukas, an Australian Shepherd, died and I started to hear (yes, HEAR!) a knocking at my door. Nobody was at the door, of course. Shortly afterward, I learned that there's a folktale about how our animal friends are known to come visit us in spirit, and make their presence known by knocking at your door. (One person who lost their dog often heard scratching at the back door and no one and nothing was there. The dog was buried in the back yard.) (Psst! You can read more stories like this in my Shadowlands article that's in the June issue!)

Sadly, I was not able to buy the book at the time I saw it, because I didn't have enough money. Then that whole business of accidentally calling my daughter's coach "Kim" happened. I started to think, is it because the author of that book is named Kim??

Well, I think maybe that's why, because after I bought the book (yay!), I stopped calling her "Kim." Yay! (I was starting to feel like I was my mother. She used to go through ALL seven names of us kids before she got to the right one, when she was talking to us. For the longest time, I could've sworn my name was Elizabeth-Jeanette-Troy-Melissa-Neal-Millie-Dawn. Just call me "Dawn" for short! LOL)

So I've been reading this book. It is VERY GOOD! My husband, being the eternal skeptic, would take one look at the stuff in here and declare all of it a lie. (I, personally, seriously DOUBT that, number one, the author would be so foolish as to ruin her good name/business by writing a book of lies and that, number two, all of the people who have given their real names in this book, along with their web site URLs, are telling tall tales.) I believe every word of it. And I am astounded by all of the stories in this book. Wow! It's definitely worth the price. Not only does it convince me that our animal friends do indeed exist on the Other Side (take THAT, you skeptics who say that animals have no souls!) but it is also a comfort to me. Even today, I still miss Lukas, as well as my other animal friends. (I have also had rats and cats as companions.) And sometimes I have dreamed of other pets who have moved on. So reading this book makes me feel comforted knowing that Lukas is still here, in some way, some form.

And I had to wonder, is THIS why I really needed to buy this book? Is this the reason why this book just HAD to be in my hands??

I kept pondering this. Why was it so important for me to read this book? What message was it supposed to give to me? Aside from the reassurance that animals DO exist on the Other Side, and that Lukas is still here.

I thought on this for many days, even as I kept reading the book.

Then I came across something in the book. A woman received a direct message from God. NOT that she saw God Himself. But the message was given to her from Him.

So I thought, maybe this is what I needed to see. This woman's message from the Lord.

But I will tell you, it is not the first time I have read about someone receiving a message from God. I myself had angels in my dreams telling me things, among them a message from God. And I have even heard God say things to me. (One of the things He commented on was His disapproval over greed being the driving force behind a writing career.) I look at these messages people have received, and I can recall reading Bible quotes that match them somehow or another.

Of course, I know we can't believe everything we read. We ALL could use a healthy dose of skepticism if we are going to expose ourselves to what people are saying/writing/publishing. But I do think that some of the things I have read about messages from God do make sense. I mean, especially since some Bible quotes back them up. And I don't see why people would say such lies, or something.

And I think, wow, this is really something important God wants us to know!

So, to sum up, here are messages from God which I have come across both in my dreams and in my readings:

1. God does not hate.

2. God loves ALL women.

3. Love and take care of the Earth.

4. Love and take care of the animals.

5. Love one another.

I guess all of that can be identified with one common saying about God: God is love.

Bible study

While we were getting ready for church today, Jennifer complained about even going. She didn't want to go to church, she said. Because it's "boring." (And, yet, every time we get there, she's soooo excited to see all of her friends.) I really wanted to go because we haven't been there for a while on account of life being so chaotic and also, I wanted to see MY friends. I sure missed seeing them. I don't see all of them every time I go, but I'm bound to see one or two of them.

So we decided to go to church all the same. I convinced Jen she might have fun!

During the sermon, the pastor was talking about the story in the Bible about how Jesus says "man does not live by bread alone." From what they put up on the screen, I was able to tell that the pastor was explaining about how Jesus was referring to how we should not just rely on food for survival, but how the Word of God will give us the ultimate means of survival. Like we should also turn to our Bibles and to God for helping us to "survive," not just by relying on food to keep our physical body going.

I thought that was really an interesting interpretation. It put a whole new meaning on the story, and on the things talked about in the Bible. I have known for a long time that a lot of things in the Bible are symbolic and that there is heavy use of metaphors and allegories. But I mever realized some quotes have a deeper meaning to them.

And while on that subject, the pastor noted how the reference of "daily bread" refers to the Word of God. I remembered reading somewhere of how someone wrote out the meaning behind the Lord's Prayer, and how "daily bread" referred to something else. Not just bread! I always wondered about that and now I wanted to look into it some more. Hopefully, I can find on the Internet a copy of the annotated Lord's Prayer.

After church, we went to the mall. Jennifer needed a new Bible. BADLY. Her Bible is literally falling apart. It's very old. And, anyway, it's not a real "Bible" for children, but a book of stories from the Bible. It was time for her to have a REAL Bible!

So we bought her a Bible spefically for her age group. She was reading through it on the way home. Later, we sat together going through her papers from church and I noted how it said that if she read the Bible every day according to the verse suggestions on one paper, she would earn 8 dollars of "church cash" for each week. Every month, the kids in her church get to spend their church cash at the church store. She got all excited and started reading her Bible, dutifully recording what she read. I could only shake my head and roll my eyes over this. They are essentially PAYING kids to read their Bible! Good grief! It hadn't taken any persuasion or temptation of money to get her to read her Bible in the car. I started kicking myself for even pointing that out. Kids should read the Bible if they want to and WHERE they want to. Not so they can get paid for it. Sigh.

After that, I tried to explain to her information about her Bible. I explained that it's divided into two parts. The Old Testament is before Jesus and the New Testament is after Jesus. I said that it contained books for each part and that the books had "chapters" unlike she normally saw in her chapter books. The chapters can be on the same page. And each chapter contained verses. I showed her the verses and I explained that the verses help people to find certain parts of the Bible and parts of the chapters. I also said that when people cite a passage in the Bible, they mention the book it is in, the chapter number then the verse number. We looked up this week's Bible verse and I showed her how to find it.

But she didn't get ANY of that. I might as well have been talking to a wall. It just went right over her head! I tried to explain it 3 times but she just didn't understand it.

Well, at least she is happy with her new Bible. She read it a lot today and we even read one chapter of it together. I really like how it is kid-friendly and not as complicated as an adult Bible. I know I can't expect her to understand everything about a Bible on the first try and hopefully I will be able to get through to her on understanding how a Bible is put together and how she can use it. For now I'm just glad she's willing to read it and that we can spend time reading it together.

Leaving him

This morning, I planned to take Jesse with us to church. I wanted to wait until he's 6 months old before I would take him with us to church. Now that he is 6 months old, today was the day he'd go to the nursery at church for the very first time!

But he almost didn't.

Right at the last minute, right before we were going to leave, I started feeling nervous. I didn't like the idea of leaving him in the nursery while I attended services. (The parents usually aren't allowed to hang around.) I just didn't like the thought at all. I talked to my husband about it. He was not going with us to church (he doesn't attend) and I said, "I want to leave him with you."

But my husband couldn't watch the baby while we attended church. He had too much yardwork to get done today. So, I had to take him with us. But first he wanted to know WHO would be watching the babies in the nursery. I explained there'd be 2 or 3 volunteers in there. He wanted to know what kind of volunteers and I said, "Members of the church."

"Do they take just anyone?" he asked.

And I said, no, the volunteers have to go through a background check first. I know because I once received paperwork from the church shortly after joining, inviting me to volunteer in the Children's Ministry. Part of that paperwork was a form I had to sign agreeing to a background check. (It was A LOT of paperwork! With A LOT of questions.) Next he wanted to know where the nursery was located and if it was in the same room as the older children. Satisfied with my answers, he shrugged and said, "He'll be okay."

We COULD have stayed home today, but I didn't want to. I HAD to go to church. I felt a strong need to go. And apparently, I had to take the baby with us, too.

So when we got to church, I dropped Jennifer off at her classroom. Then I took Jesse to the nursery. I signed him in there, explained that he'd already has his bottle and cereal, and said that he'd probably just take his nap. I watched them carry him to a part of the nursery. They left him in his car seat and sat it in an area where a volunteer was sitting, holding another baby.

So I walked out the door, determined. I looked down to see that someone had lost their calling slip. Each child is given a number, which is written on a calling slip. The parents keep the slips with them. There is a screen in the sanctuary where a number will flash. That number is for the parent who is needed in the Children's Ministry. I looked down and saw the name "Josiah" written on it. I picked it up and took it back into the nursery and told the volunteer that someone had dropped it. When I walked back out again, I froze. All of a sudden, my strength and determination just left me.

I could not leave.

I lingered outside of the nursery, by the door. I tried to walk farther away, but I couldn't. I just felt so scared to leave the baby in there. I knew he wasn't alone. I knew he was clean, fed, comfortable and in a calm atmosphere. So why was I so nervous to leave him? I'm so darn attached to my baby! Even with my best friend Jimmy, who has babysat Jennifer for me in the past, has volunteered to babysit Jesse, I COULD NOT leave him! Not even now...

So I did the only thing I could think to do. I started to pray. I just stood there and prayed to God for strength and to please, PLEASE protect my baby. Keep him safe and watch over him for me. I would only be gone for 2 hours. No longer than that. And after I prayed, I felt better. I felt safe trusting in God to watch over him.

So I went into the sanctuary to attend the adult church service. You would think I'd STILL have my confidence, but it instantly disappeared again. Maybe because I sat ALL the way on the other side of the room, farther away from the nursery. I could barely breathe. I was nervous, fidgeting and unable to focus on my surroundings. So I just kept praying. I sat there, silently praying to God to protect my son. Keep him safe. After a while, I was able to breathe okay and sort of focus on the sermon. But mostly I just prayed through the whole thing and kept my eye on the call screen. (Well, they were mostly talking about missionary work, anyway! It was one of THOSE sermons.)

At one point, though, I DID go back to the nursery to check on Jesse. On my way there, I saw Houston at one of the doors. We exchanged smiles and waves. I remembered how, after I met him, I asked a friend, "Is he the one everybody goes to if they have a problem?" I started hoping there wasn't a problem this time. At the nursery, the volunteer assured me that the baby was fine. He took a nap and now he was awake and just calmly looking around. So I went back to the services and tried to distract myself by reading the book of hymns.

Interestingly enough, that helped calm me even more.

When it was time to leave, I went back to the nursery to pick Jesse up. They were all very happy he had been there and said there was no trouble at all. I was SO RELIEVED. When I had him in front of me again, I gave him hugs and kisses and started talking to him. His smile to me just melted my heart. I was so thankful all had gone well.

I went to the classroom where the older children were. After I picked up Jennifer, we were on our way out when I saw Evie, another friend at the church. We smiled at each other, hugged and wished each other a good Sunday. (It was nice to get a hug from a friend! It sure helped ease my anxieties.) So we went out to the car and when we got out there, I said another silent prayer. A prayer of gratitude.

Later, I looked up who Josiah was on the Internet. Just out of interest. I came across this link: http://www.keyway.ca/htm2003/20030620.htm The name "Josiah" means "The Lord will support." Amen.

Let go and let God

I have known of the saying "Let go and let God" but I never really understood it before. I kept thinking, 'Let God what??'

Yesterday, I found my answer.

We didn't go to church yesterday. I was almost done with a project and I wanted to get it all wrapped up so that I could send it out today. I did finish the project (formatting a manuscript), but my joy was bittersweet.

In fact, I felt more guilt-ridden than I did happy.

Why feel so upset just because I missed church? I've missed church before, when Jennifer was too sick to go or the weather was too bad for me to drive in, so why get upset now? It's not like anybody would notice we weren't there! But I knew why. I was upset because I needed God. I was so ravaged by guilt because, on the day before, I had set a bad example for my daughter. I had just blindly looked the other way when she had done something wrong. Something that she shouldn't have. To be honest, I was feeling too sick to really pay attention to what was going on. My silence was telling her that it was okay to do that bad thing. I should've snapped out of my queasiness, should've stopped being so rushed to get home, and put my foot down about it. She KNEW it was a bad thing, but she didn't say anything about it. If I had corrected the situation, I would be telling her that what she was doing was wrong. But I didn't and I felt terrible about it. I'd made a big mistake as a parent and I was just really beating myself up over it. I'd prayed to God for forgiveness that night, but I still felt bad. I still needed something to help me understand that it was in God's hands now. I shouldn't worry about it anymore.

Later that day, I was trying to read a book but I still felt miserable about what I'd done. So I put down the book and just started praying right there on the couch. I didn't go to some private room. I didn't get on my knees or make the sign of the cross. All I did was put my hands together and pray. My heart was feeling so heavy and burdened and I just had to unburden myself. I had to let it all go. I had to give my pain to God and once again ask His forgiveness.

And after I finished my prayer, I felt better. I really did.

Jennifer had seen me praying and asked me why I just started praying like that. I told her I was upset about something and needed to talk to God about it. She said I could talk to her about it, too, but I told her, "No, Jen. I already prayed to God about it. It's okay. I feel better now. I am going to let God handle it now."

That's when realization struck. "Let God handle it now." Wow. That's it! That's what the saying means! Just let it go and let God handle it. "Let go and let God." That's it!

I'm glad I was able to have that realization. There are so many times things will burden me. Things trouble me or get me upset. But from now on, once I pray about it, once I send it up to God, I'm not going to let those things burden me anymore. God will answer my prayers and He will guide me to the answers that I seek. He has done this for me so many times before. There are so many times I've prayed over things and something would happen -- I'd read the Bible, see a movie, see someone say something -- and my answer will be right there. (This has really happened! I have wondered about things, prayed about them. and later opened the Bible right to a passage telling me an answer.) So, as far as this recent burden is concerned, I know I can't put myself down about it anymore. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. Every parent makes a mistake, too. The important thing is that I realized that mistake, I talked with my daughter about it and I prayed for forgiveness. I just let it go. I let it all go. I let go...and let God.

Open arms

Today I did something that I wouldn't normally do: I signed up to join a Bible study/journaling group. Now I wouldn't NORMALLY do this because, well, I'm an awful private person and I'm not so...gregarious or sociable. (My daughter is the complete opposite!) But I am making changes in my life, changes for the better. And I really wanted to join this group not only to understand things better but also because God has really touched my heart in a BIG way and this is my chance to really glorify in that.

I don't know why I get nervous about being around people I don't know. Maybe it's a natural thing for this to happen? Sometimes I wonder if it's on account of my deafness. Am I afraid to socialize with others because I can't hear? Am I worried my deafness will present communication hurdles which OTHER people just won't have the patience to work around?

Well, it's not like I'm new at this church. Actually, I've been a member of this church for about two years now. The people there are wonderful and VERY friendly, very patient. Some of them actually reach out to give me a hug or shake my hand when I'm walking by them with my head down, minding my own business. I mean, they are really good people. So why should I worry about them being all impatient with me during conversation or deciding to talk to somebody else if I can't understand them?

On the other hand, they HAVE suggested I find someone to act as my interpreter for the services, etc. I'm still trying to do that. There is one girl who might be acting as my interpreter for the church, but we'll see how that works out. The last two interpreters I had moved away!

After I filled out a form to sign up for this group, I sat to watch the services, all the while wondering just what possessed me to agree to going. The timing wasn't a problem; the group meets 3 Sunday nights a month for an hour or two. My husband will be home to watch the children. That is NOT a problem. So I...couldn't exactly use that as an excuse to back out. But I WANTED to do this, and I kept thinking on WHY I decided to sign up. What exactly compelled me to sign up even though I am so nervous about this very same kind of situation?

As I watched the pastor speaking and taking notes of the text they had on the overhead screen, I saw the pastor stretch out his arms and make the sign of the cross in the air, like he was saying something about what the cross symbolized. Well, we ALL know what the cross stands for: the crucifixion of Christ at Calvary! But as I watched him make these gestures and I kept looking at the picture of a cross in the background, something ELSE about the cross struck me. The fact that it looks like a person holding out their arms. Ready to embrace someone. Ready to embrace NEW THINGS. NEW EXPERIENCES. NEW FRIENDS.

If ANYTHING should symbolize what the Christian faith is all about, it is that very attitude of welcome. It IS a vulnerable position to be in, true, but one which the Christian is willing to submit to all the same. We cannot grow in Christ unless we open our arms and our hearts to LIVING THROUGH CHRIST. And part of living through Christ is GETTING OUT THERE to fellowship and socialize with others. Not just others who follow Christ, but others everywhere. Those who don't know God, those who do not accept Jesus as their Saviour and those who are just hungry for communication with others.

THAT is why I must open myself up to this new experience. THAT is why I must look past my fears and embrace the challenge of TRYING to communicate with others even if there could be difficulties in trying to communicate with them. I can't let my deafness prevent me from sharing the Glory of God with others. I can't allow it to scare me away from people and hide myself away from the world. I don't let my burn scars do that; why should my deafness be any different?

I walked away from that sermon more enlightened than I ever had been before. That very insight gave me the key to facing my fears. I must open up my arms and be willing to embrace new things. Just as Jesus spread his arms out on the cross so long ago.

And now I want to end this blog post with an inspirational quote I saw somewhere on the Internet:

"I once asked Jesus, 'how much do you love me?' 'This much,' He said, then spread His arms out and died."

On a mission from God?

One of my favorite movie lines comes from The Blues Brothers, in which Elwood often repeats, "We're on a mission from God." Last night, we watched the movie Evan Almighty. Jen and I LOVED it! I thought it was a good, wholesome movie the whole family can enjoy. But I also thought of how Evan saying that God "told" him to build an ark ranked right up there with hearing voices and believing they are someone else. In other words, the whole thing screamed, "Insanity!" (Another movie, Frailty, highlights that very same downside of receiving messages from the Man upstairs.)

This reminds me of a joke I always get a good chuckle over.

One night at the asylum, a man exclaimed from his cell, "I am Napoleon!"

"Who told you you are Napoleon?" a cellmate asked.

"God told me."

Another man from a cell down the hall replied, "I did not!"

How sad that, these days, receiving a message from God is akin to having a psychotic episode or mental illness. I could see how people going around killing certain races or religions all in the name of the Almighty could have something wrong with them in the head, but when God tells someone to do a certain task (like build an ark -- hey, it's a free country, ain't it??) or make a change for the better in their lifestyle (stop drinking, stop smoking, pray more often, etc.), what's the harm? Why is it so bad? As long as they're doing something that doesn't hurt anyone or something that's really quite innocent, who cares if they got the "message" to do so from Donald Duck??

As I watched that movie, I also thought about something else. The fact that the story included a remake of Noah's Ark. I remember another movie, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and of how, when asked, "Who was Joan of Arc?" Ted replied, "Noah's wife?" Ah, yes. Joan of Arc. Yet another recipient of a message from the Man upstairs. And look at what happened to her. Maybe that right there made God rethink this whole "giving people messages" thing. Maybe He decided it was better to be a little more subtle on the whole giving part and also a little more heavy on that "proving I mean business" part. (Though I think the whole "Genesis 6:14" thing in the movie was a bit overdone.)

With the kind of world we live in today, people are not so accepting of the idea that God is giving people messages. Our first impression is that they are crazy or...having some kind of midlife crisis. But I think what's important is that, despite society's reluctance to accept the fact that God speaks to His people, His people never lose faith. That's what most important. That we don't lose faith in what God has planned. Evan never lost faith in God that a flood was going to happen, even though he had a little doubt. He never lost faith. His wife learned of the importance in having faith in her husband. (At first I was mad that she just left him like that. You don't just drop someone if you love them! You stick by them and try to HELP them!) These people were not perfect. They were not religious fanatics. But they learned of just how important it is to "keep the faith" despite EVERYBODY thinking they were crazy, and of how strong that faith will make them when God rewards their faith in the end.

"It is finished"

I was watching The Nativity Story the other day. Such a good movie! I enjoyed watching this movie that was written from Mary's POV. How adequately it portrayed how frightened Mary must have been, just a teenager (if I recall Bible studies correctly, she was 14 years old), when told that she would marry a stranger she barely knew, a man 40 years old and who she did not even love. It also really zeroed in on her fears of what others would say when she conceived the baby Jesus. What if they didn't believe her? What if she was ostracized because of it? I mean, she faced DEATH because of it. But she didn't say, 'Oh, I'll just get rid of it.' 'I'll run away and no one will know.' 'I'll accuse Joseph of lying about his innocence.' No, she didn't do anything LIKE that. She took on her mission from God, despite her fears and worries. She said goodbye to a comfortable life and embraced the difficult road ahead of her.

And at the end of His life, when Jesus was on the Cross, His final words were this: "It is finished." He, too, had a mission from His Father. And now His mission had been fulfilled.

Jesus was 33 at the time He died. Just 33 years old, the same age I am right now. I am 33 years old, and I think about what it must be like to die at such an age. To pass from this world to the next at the age of 33.

In a way, I AM dying...to my old life. To the way I was before. Just recently, I have made a major change in my life. I have opened up my heart to Jesus and allowed God to have complete control over my life. I have completely surrendered myself and my life to God. I have committed myself to Him. Before, I was only allowing God in my life SOME of the time. Only halfway. Whenever it was convenient. And then I realized, "I either have God in my life COMPLETELY...or I don't have Him in my life at all."

Being a Christian isn't about serving God whenever I feel like it. It's not about doing what God commands of me to do when it's convenient or when I'm not so tired. Either I am a follower of God or I am not. There's no "conditional commitment" with religion. There's no religious conviction only some of the time. God wants us 100%. He doesn't want part of us or most of us. ALL of us. Our minds, our hearts, our actions. ALL of us.

This is one truth that I have learned. When I was trying to get pregnant with my son, I KNEW I had to conceive this baby. And I knew this baby was going to be a boy. I knew it was time for him to enter the world. I didn't know these things by dream interpretation or reading a crystal ball(which I don't actually do, LOL). I just KNEW it. AND I KNEW I HAD TO DO IT. Don't think about it, pray about it. JUST DO IT! And there was no question that I HAD to do it.

Just as I know one other thing now: I must end the life I was living in the past and take on this new life of devoting myself to serving God. I may not know everything that I need to know and I may get confused by things. Not understand things. Be deceived by things. (There are people I know all around me who have and still do tell me to do things that are not Christian.) I get so easily fooled at times and so...misled. But I know I must follow God and I must do it NOW. Not when I am 40 years old, not when my children are grown, not when I am stronger or smarter or richer or pretty. NOW. RIGHT NOW. And it is a calling I cannot ignore.

Before, a long time ago, I was devoted to being a Christian. People teased me about it. Even my own family members said I was having this "holier than thou" attitude because I chose to live the Christian life. This time, one worry I have had is that people will accuse me of being a hypocrite, because I'm not exactly perfect. I have lived an unfaithful life. I have done things in the past that were wrong. That were a sin. I KNOW this. I am not perfect. Nor do I aspire to be. I'm human, I CAN'T be perfect. But I CAN try to live a Godly life. I CAN make it a point to SHUN sin, to SHUN the bad ways, and embrace the Light of God. This is my mindset. I'm no saint, but I now devote myself to living a Goidly life. I know people will say unkind things to me...accuse me of having a "self-righteous" attitude and persecute me for my beliefs. Even try to lead me astray. But I still take on this new life of serving God, despite all of that. People will say what they are going to say.

I have said before in my prayers that I will never turn away from God. Despite being married to a nonbeliever, despite people judging me, despite people calling me names, trying to deceive me, mislead me and cause me to sin. Despite ALL of that, I will never turn away from God. And now, with this new life I am living, I still have that conviction with my whole heart. I will never turn away.

My old life and my old ways are over. Done with. It is finished.

The Cross

Yesterday, I had an appointment with a lactation consultant at the hospital. While Jennifer, Jesse and I sat in a room waiting to be taken to the office, Jen pointed at something up on the wall and asked, "What's that?"

I blinked at her in surprise. "That's a cross."

"What does it mean?"

More surprise. "That's what Jesus died on."

"Who's Jesus?"

OK, I thought. I'm going to have to have a little talk with her Sunday school teacher. And, maybe I should be more informative to her on that end, too. "You don't know who Jesus is?" I asked.

She shook her head.

I frowned. "What are they teaching you at church?" I then gave her a brief, summarized explanation of who Jesus was, why He died on the cross and how He died for all of us.

Jennifer got all sad. "He died?"

"Well...yes. The bad people hung Him on the cross. But, Jennifer, it's a good thing. He died for you and me. His death took away all of our sins." I started to wonder how I could explain the concept of original sin to a 6-year-old.

"But He died!" she went on, all teary-eyed and sad. She looked down, a deep frown on her face.

"Honey, Jesus isn't really dead," I explained. "It's just His body that died. Jesus came back to life. And He went to Heaven. His spirit is alive."

This didn't offer much consolation to her. She just sat there all sad, looking down at the floor.

"Don't be sad that He died, be happy," I said, unsure of the right words to say! "When He died, He took away all of our sins. And that means we get to go to Heaven, too, when we die." I thought on this for a minute, then added, "If you're good."

I wondered if those last words had any affect on her.

Well, she soon wasn't so sad anymore. And I made it a point to get out her Children's Bible and read to her the story of Jesus. (Uh, we haven't gotten to that part....yet.)

All of this made me remember that gospel song, "Old Rugged Cross." It wasn't long before it was stuck in my head. I love that song! It's one of my favorites.

Here are the lyrics:

The Old Rugged Cross
Copyright: George Bennard, 1873-1958

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
the emblem of suffering and shame;
and I love that old cross where the dearest and best
for a world of lost sinners was slain.

Refrain:
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross,
till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
and exchange it some day for a crown.

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
has a wondrous attraction for me;
for the dear Lamb of God left his glory above
to bear it to dark Calvary. (Refrain)

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
a wondrous beauty I see,
for 'twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
to pardon and sanctify me. (Refrain)

To that old rugged cross I will ever be true,
its shame and reproach gladly bear;
then he'll call me some day to my home far away,
where his glory forever I'll share. (Refrain)