Saturday, March 29, 2014

I'm all about the numbers!

One thing about me is that I am a big numbers person. I’m not fanatical about numerology and I actually suck at math, but I am interested in numbers. (And I MAY suck at math, but I still try to do math in my head!) Maybe it’s because my birthday is 5/25 (I once told someone that and he said, “Five squared is twenty-five”). I definitely pay attention to number patterns and even use them in my writing from time to time. In fact, there is a secret number pattern in my poetry book, Touched by Fire. As a kid, I was crazy about codes. Cracking codes, especially number codes, was a hobby of mine. And I actually find the number patterns and codes hidden in the Bible to be quite fascinating.

Numbers have been known to show up in my life a lot. For a while, after we moved into this house, I kept seeing the number “13” everywhere (even on a nearby street!). After 9/11, I’d often look at the time to see that it was exactly “9:11” and it would make me shudder. The number “11” itself also popped up a lot. (I once lived on West 11th!)

On a personal level, I have certain favorite numbers. The number “3” has been one of my favorite numbers for a long time. I don’t know why. I’ve just always liked the number 3. And I’ve tried to incorporate “3” into my life somehow, either by reading 3 books at a time, working on 3 books at a time or even by being on the computer at 3 different times during the day.

But I have noticed recently that the number “2” is popping up quite a lot. It’s starting to become a pattern for me. I try something and fail, then I try again and succeed. It’s like I have to try to do something twice in order to get it right. I failed the first time I tried to self-publish a book, and I succeeded the second time I gave it another go. I failed at this one writing gig that I had, then when I tried my hand at it a second time, not only did I succeed but I made 100 times more than what I originally made the first time. I failed as an editor for one book, then succeeded the next time I tried editing another writer’s book. (This is what made me decide to return to editing.)

And there’s other things, too. I have 2 kids. I have 2 jobs. I have a husband that I married two times. (I kinda wonder if, following that, we’ll end up being divorced twice!)

You know, the number 2 is really prominent right now. And it’s a number that is growing on me. I still like the number 3, but I am starting to like the number 2, as well.

I hope the number 2 will continue to work for me. I once failed when I ran a race so I am going to run a race again and I hope this time, this second time, I will succeed. I have to rewrite a book that was submitted to my publisher, and I hope this second time I submit it, this one will work better. 

This numbers thing may not be so much of a big deal to most people, but for me, it’s something that has actually played quite a role in my life. I have always been interested in numbers and have paid attention to the patterns. I don’t like the thought of my life, my future, my habits being at the mercy of some kind of bizarre number pattern, but I have definitely noticed how the numbers have affected me and the things that happen in my life in a very big way. 

Update: OMG! This blog post was posted on 3/29 and at 9:23. 9:23 backwards is 3:29! See!!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Sometimes, the heart really IS wrong

In the past, I have often said “my heart wasn’t in the right place” when referring to a chapter in my life. The time has come for me to confess a little more about that and make some changes. Because, you know, this sort of thing has been making me miserable for a long time, and I feel it is time to put a stop to all that.

What a lot of people don’t know is that the man I am married to right now has not always been my husband. There was a time when we were divorced. Before we got divorced, I fell in love with someone else. And as embarrassing as it is to admit, I fell in love with this guy only through knowing him via the Internet. I never knew him in real life. There was talk of that happening, but it never did.

My daughter’s father and I reconciled, but I was still feeling love for that other man. This is why I said “my heart was not in the right place.” I reconciled because I saw how much the divorce was hurting my child, and since we had NO support, no family to lean on and no one was really there for us save my friend Jimmy who was trying to offer advice in whatever way he could (shoutout to Jimmy! I love you, hermano!), I pretty much resigned myself to giving up on being with someone I loved and just “going back the way I came.”

Still, my heart would not comply. It loved that person even still. Even when there was no love returned in any shape or form.

So, yes, for a long time, I loved two men. I was married to one of those two men.

And now I realize that I can’t allow this to continue anymore. I realized this thanks to a comment a friend left on my Facebook page. My friend said, “Sometimes the heart is wrong.” Now we were talking about something completely different. When she said that, I was confused. How can the heart be wrong? I wondered. I always felt that we should trust our heart with what it wants, because it’s probably the One True Thing. So my friend’s comment left me reflecting over how the heart could possibly be wrong. And my friend did not realize she was actually saying something that resonated with me on a whole nother level about a whole nother topic: This secret part of my life that I don’t really talk about with anyone.

But I am putting it all out here on my blog. I am confessing to all this on my blog. I won’t keep this secret anymore. And I don’t lie on this blog, either, save for any April Fool’s Day post that may show up. That’s the one day that I post something in good fun just for the spirit of April Fool’s Day. But I do put EVERYTHING about my life onto this blog, because that’s the best way to talk about stuff that happens when it happens. There should be some background.

So what happened, exactly? I woke up. I have now understood what my friend meant when she said that sometimes the heart is wrong. Because now I see how that can be true.

And now I’m having a little sit-down with this here heart of mine and saying, you know what? Things need to change. We can’t allow this to continue anymore. After all these years, it is time to close the door on that part of my life for good. Just activate the kill switch and move forward.

I know I would only cause myself more pain if I allowed my heart to continue to have its way with that sort of thing. It’s time for all that to stop. It’s time to walk away.

Because there can only be one. The one who I am married to.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Good friends are hard to find

Today I was thinking of posting the following status on Facebook: “I’m so glad I have friends who get me.” But I wasn’t entirely sure if I could say that after what happened last night.

And what DID happen last night? I failed. I royally, epically failed. Twice, actually.

Some explanation:

Several years ago, I waited until the last minute to let one of Jennifer’s friend’s know that she was too sick to play. The friend was upset and her dad was upset, but when I explained the situation to her dad, of how I was waiting to see if Jennifer felt better before saying “yea’ or “nay” on the playdate, he understood and let it go. This happened again, except with a sleepover and not a playdate, and, well, the outcome wasn’t as good as last time. It caused a disaster. And this time, the parent let me know that was not a good way to go about things.

The other thing that went wrong with one of my friends is that I accidentally sent a text that was meant for my husband to HER husband! Oh. My. God. When I realized the mistake last night, I just about died. I was soooo embarrassed and wanted to bury my head under the covers. Thankfully, it was NOT a risque message. It was just a text message about dinner, though in this case, with the typical “xoxo” we insert in our messages. But, still! it was NOT meant for her husband! It was for mine! I hoped, prayed and practically threw myself at the mercy of Fate that that little “xoxo” part in the message did not just totally destroy my friendship with these two people. They are awesome friends, really. And I didn’t want her to think I had any kind of fantasy going on with HER husband. No way! Homey don’t play that! I am a FIRM believer in monogamy and WOULD NOT commit adultery. I won’t do it. Not ever. Even if the marriage sucks, even if there’s no sex for nearly a year and I am pretty much alone for most of the time, I Would Not commit adultery. I’m not the cheating type. And this guy is cool with us being friends. I’m cool with it, too! And they are such a lovely family. Why would I want to muck that up, anyway? I am lucky to have good friends who are also good neighbors. I wouldn’t want to muck that up, either!

So I spent some time this morning sending out texts explaining ALL of that to my friends. I explained the situation and why this type of thing even happened in the first place.

Thankfully, with Friend #1,
she accepted my apology. I told her that I realize now what I did was uncool and I am sorry and hope that we can still be friends and the girls can get together soon. (And, yes, I DO realize that I made a mistake. I am so glad my friend understands that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes. I am willing to recognize a mistake and change myself and my habits where needed to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I am willing to owe up to my mistakes and try to make things right again. And LEARN something from them!!)

With Friend #2,
she totally understood the accidental text. She said this has happened to them, too. She totally forgave me and, thankfully, this did not cause any problems. This did not destroy our friendship. I am SO relieved.

So, the crisis was resolved and everything is okay again. I am so glad and just so very, very relieved.

My friendship with these people is too important to lose so easily.

Maybe I can still put that message up as my status. Or, maybe instead, that message can read: “I am so glad I have friends who are willing to forgive me.”

Saturday, March 01, 2014

February disappointments

The month of February has come and gone, a fact I am grateful for! It just wasn't a very good month for me. Never mind the LEEP (which totally threw me off course for the following week after because of pain and side effects, which I'm still experiencing), but I also did not reach my "book goal" for the month. My book goal for the year is to read a new book every month and while there WAS a new book out I could've ordered and read last month, I just didn't get around to it.

Some other things did not work out very well for February, either. Such as:

1. My visit to an elementary school class to talk about sign language. We've been having scheduling conflicts for this thing for months! I am beginning to wonder if they still want me to come by.

2. My goal to write in my personal journal every day. Didn't happen! I have pretty much resigned myself to not being a "daily journal writer" but I'd really like to see if I can change that, just for the challenge of TRYING to change that! (Can you tell I like to challenge myself??) Soo, didn't happen. Sometimes I go weeks or months between writing in the personal journal! I don't know why. Even when I have things to write about or thoughts to put down or dreams to write about, that stuff may not get written down!

3. Start saving money. It scares me that we don't have an emergency fund. That is really NOT cool! We really need to set up an emergency fund.

4. My training for the race was totally thrown off schedule, because of the LEEP. My doctor said I have to take it easy for 2 weeks. And there's one more week to go. Argh! IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!! I have itchy feet and wanna get OUT THERE! Watching the movie Chariots of Fire last night did not make it any easier to be on the DL. (Why, oh why, did I watch Chariots of Fire when I'M NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY RUNNING???!!!!)

5. I didn't finish the haunted cities book. Darn it! Yet another month of NOT finishing this book! I am trying to be patient but it's really getting to me. I'd like to think I'm on the last chapter. (I am also disappointed that I won't be able to include Tombstone, AZ.)

6. Another goal I have for the year is to get EVERYBODY in the family a birthday present every month. This did not happen in February, unfortunately. There was just too much that went wrong there.

7. The February newsletter DID NOT get sent out. Heck, I have yet to put the January issue up on my site. Good grief!

And while some things did not happen in February, I am happy to report that some things DID happen. For instance....

1. I took the first class required for childcare training. Yay! I am in the process of being scheduled for the next class. I have to take Child First Aid & CPR, Recognizing and Reporting Child Abuse, Early Childhood Development and I also have to get a food handler's card. Then I'm in. Like Finn. :)

2. I managed to go over the proof for the Parenting Pauses book in a timely manner, which will be out any day now. Woo-hoo!

3. I got more research done for the health book! Yay!

4. The cover goof that was on the new edition for the poetry book Follow That Dream has been FIXED! I am so glad it is of much better quality now. Many thanks to cover designer Charlotte Holley for getting the new image to me and I am glad it all went through okay.

5. I figured out a new plan to ensure I can get everybody their birthday presents!

6. I FINALLY got caught up on books to review for Night Owl Reviews. Wow, I really fell behind!

So, not as many good things as the things that didn't happen. I hope March will be different! March needs to be a better month than February was!

Today, I am also thankful for something that I myself did not accomplish last month but still thankful for all the same: I am thankful my senior dog survived another month. He turns 21 years old today!