Broken heart

Sometimes I wish there was no such thing as "love." Or that, at least, I couldn't feel it. That I could just close my heart up and NEVER feel love for anyone. The romantic kind of love, anyway. Life would be so much more simpler....

There are some things I need to fix, as far as my heart is concerned.

I need to start trusting my heart to the man I've remarried. I DO feel love for him (of course! he's the father of my children), but...I just can't trust him with all of my heart. A fact he has recently discovered. Some part of me is afraid. Afraid that he will hurt me again. And my heart is just so....guarded with him. Like it has all of these walls around it. I never saw this coming. Seriously! I never saw something like THIS happening. But, there it is. And as far as trying to fix THAT problem is concerned....well, I really think counseling would help. At first I thought "time" was the answer. But there are issues we need to work past. That I need to work past. It's not easy when someone ELSE in the past was abusive to me. And in some regard, I think that right there influences my relationship with my husband. So I think that, in this case, counseling is the answer.

I need to forget about someone in my past. When I say someone had hurt me, boy, do I mean it. Yes, someone had hurt me very badly. Someone playing a mean trick. And sometimes...I'll catch myself remembering it. Remembering things this person said to me. And wishing it had been true. That's when my heart starts to ache for that person...who wasn't really that person at all. Just someone playing head games with me. That's when I'll reign in my heart and say, "No. Don't be sad. Don't feel any kind of love for him. That wasn't even him. You want to love an impostor!" Those are the moments when I just have to tell my heart, "Stop." I have no idea how to fix THAT problem. I don't know, maybe with time? Maybe if I met/knew the REAL person and was friends with him, that would help me to just GRASP that it was all just a charade? I don't know. I want to understand how I can fix that problem my heart struggles with. That is something I need to work on.

And, finally, the other problem that I need to fix with my heart is learning to let go. Let go of my dream man. I now know why those dreams came back: Because I wanted them to. After the first dream, I was so riddled with sadness and guilt. Jonathan had killed himself in my dream because he thought I didn't love him. But I HAD! In the dream, I HAD felt that love for him! He thought he had NO ONE but he was wrong. And I wanted to set things right. That's why the dream came back. And it lasted for so long because I WANTED them to. There were times in my life when it was I who had no one. No friends, no one to love, and I had such a troubled atmosphere at home.... So it's natural that the dreams continued. My mind was giving me what my subconscious wanted. The kind of love I had in those dreams was REAL. It was TRUE LOVE. It was the kind of love that lasted over the years, the kind of love that was blind to how I looked, the kind of love that was NEVER destroyed no matter what. And I wanted that kind of love so bad. Even if it was only in my dreams. But now I know....it was not real. It was what my mind created for me, especially during the troubled times in my life. Those dreams were my therapy. And, sometimes, it was the love in those dreams, HIS love for me, that gave me strength to go on. And it was that kind of love that inspired me, too, in its own ways. But now I must let that love go....because the fact that it's NOT REAL and...not here in my life is just too painful for me to bear. I can't explain how I dreamed about someone who ended up looking like a real person, before I even KNEW about him. I can't explain that. It's just one of those...."common face" situations, I guess. But, in any event, I know I must forget all of that now. I must let it go and STOP my heart from keeping that love alive, because that love is not real and it never will be. As much as I want it to be. I can live with not knowing, but I can't live with not having....

These are the issues that I struggle with. Which my heart is struggling with. They are issues which no heart surgeon in the world could ever fix. Only me. And I may not have all the answers, I may not know who to talk to about these things, but I will do what I must to try to fix them. My heart is broken and it needs to be fixed. So I will fix it.