Dangerous thinking

I had a REALLY bad day yesterday. It was just one of those days where my husband was in a real bitchy mood, I had to carry the bulk of the workload and I was REALLY missing my family. Add to this that I received news that a girl at my church who was going to sign for me at services had to move away. (Sigh! This is the THIRD ASL interpreter to leave the church. ARGH!!)

The writing was good, though. I was actually on a roll! I edited an essay for one manuscript and edited 4 chapters for another. I also FINALLY figured out how to write a chapter for the haunted houses book. Yay!

Still, everything else was just downhill. And by day's end, I was so tense and depressed (VERY depressed!!), that I had one thought: "I picked a bad year to stop drinking alcohol."

That's right. As of this very month, and actually, as of January 20th, I have made a new rule for my life: Absolutely, positively NO ALCOHOL. At all.

Recently, I have had the occasional drink or two. I NEVER got drunk, just one episode of getting tipsy. But I never got drunk and NEVER DRANK when I was alone caring for the children or during the day. It was always controlled. Still, drinking ANY alcohol, even a glass of wine, bothered me. For one thing, it made me remember the days of when I really drank bad. And I mean BAD! My drinking problems started up in my early 20's and went on ever since. It got so out of hand at times, though. To the point where I was drinking EVERY NIGHT.

For another thing, it's just NOT healthy. Of course I have heard stories of alcohol saving someone's life or actually bringing someone back to life! (True story!) And I know doctors say that red wine is good for the heart. But the fact is, alcohol just isn't healthy.

And you know what? There are reasons why I was drinking. These were actually dangerous thoughts that just blinded me to the fact that I had some REAL problems to take care of. Drinking does not solve problems. It only puts them off for a while. But I used drinking to escape.

Now I don't escape from things anymore.

There are just so many changes my life is experiencing right now, and this is one of the changes. Through all of these changes, I am gaining more insights about myself and about leading a happier, healthier and positive lifestyle. I feel so enriched with this new insight I am gaining. And stronger.

Last night, I was thinking that thought because of another thought I had. One of those "dangerous thoughts" that just made me drink more: "I need to relax." But I remembered my rule and I told myself, "You don't need a drink to relax!"

And, honestly, I couldn't think of any other way TOO relax! And since I was alone with the children and not chatting with anyone, there was no one to ask for ideas. So I thought on that for a while. I thought maybe I could relax on the couch with a good book, surf the Internet, fill out surveys for MySpace bulletins, read poetry on deviantART, read old emails or watch a favorite movie. It was late, so I couldn't call anyone. And I couldn't leave my sleeping children alone to go to my neighbor's house for a visit. Still, I tried a couple of those ideas, and they REALLY helped me to relax. A lot.
There are other dangerous thoughts I need to watch out for that I've used in the past to just drink it all away. Thoughts like:

"My marriage is having problems."

"My husband doesn't WANT me."

"No one could ever love me."

"I can't calm myself down!"

"I'm too angry!"

"I'm too hyper/wound up."

"It's Friday night."

"I deserve it."

"I want to have some fun."

"I need to loosen up.'

"One little drink won't hurt."

"I'm a writer. Writers drink!"

"I'm so lonely."

"There's nothing else to do."

"I can't sleep."

"It's the TASTE I'm after, not the buzz."

"I can handle it."

"It's okay, I'm not going to be driving or stuck alone with the kids."

"I have someone around to tell me when I've had enough."

"It's a PARTY!"

"Everybody else is doing it."

"People will think I'm a snob or a lightweight if I don't drink."

"I won't drink anymore tomorrow. I promise."

I know that these are just excuses to drink alcohol, not reasons. My decision to drink NO ALCOHOL isn't because I don't trust myself to stay sober. More than anything, it's a choice I am making for myself to be a better person all around.

And, for the heck of it, I'm going to RESPOND to those excuses.

"My marriage is having problems." -- What marriage DOESN'T??

"My husband doesn't WANT me." -- Sex is overrated.

"No one could ever love me." -- Oh, boo hoo. Here's a violin to play.

"I can't calm myself down!" -- Walk it off.

"I'm too angry!" -- Ditto. Or go outside and scream.

"I'm too hyper/wound up." -- Two words: Cleaning spree!

"It's Friday night." -- And...?

"I deserve it." -- Fook that. I deserve a freaking CRUISE if you wanna talk about DESERVING something!

"I want to have some fun." -- And getting tipsy/drunk is YOUR idea of having fun?....

"I need to loosen up.' -- All the more reason to turn off the lights, light some candles and lie down.

"One little drink won't hurt." -- Now THIS is true. Thanks to my Irish blood. LOL! But the rule is NO ALCOHOL. Not even ONE drop. So, yes, it WILL hurt, because I'll regret breaking my rule. (Regret hurts, too.)

"I'm a writer. Writers drink!" -- Not THIS writer.

"I'm so lonely." -- Then GO somewhere where there are people!

"There's nothing else to do." -- Um...write?

"I can't sleep." -- The Internet is open 24/7. Or just watch some TV.

"It's the TASTE I'm after, not the buzz." -- Yeah, right. LOL

"I can handle it." -- Yes, that may be. But the rule says NONE.

"It's okay, I'm not going to be driving or stuck alone with the kids." -- All the more reason to hide away to read a book! (Or WRITE one, in my case. LOL)

"I have someone around to tell me when I've had enough." -- Suuuuure.

"It's a PARTY!" -- Then do something fun besides drinking.

"Everybody else is doing it." -- If everybody else was picking their nose....

"People will think I'm a snob or a lightweight if I don't drink." -- WHY even worry about what "people" think?? Get over it.

"I won't drink anymore tomorrow. I promise." -- I've heard THAT one before.