Wednesday, September 25, 2013

A sad time, then a happy time

Today was my “day off” from the new job, so I decided to make it a “day off” from working on my books, as well. I have not had one of those days for some time; I’ve been so busy working on the books. So it was nice to just step away from it for the day and just do other stuff. 

And while I may have stopped working on the books for the day, I did not stop writing. After I got a Starbucks, I opened my writing notebook and wrote down a few poems. After I finished the poems, I sat there drinking my coffee, lost in thought. I thought about the friend I’d seen on my way to getting the coffee, feeling bad for her because she’d told me her husband of 40+ years recently died and she’s really been having a hard time with it. I thought of how I told her “just take it one day at a time” and I just felt sad for her. But I was glad I was able to see her and offer some comfort. Then I started doing some people watching. I happened to notice this one person who looked like a man my mom once knew, and of course, that got me to thinking about my mom.

It’s been over a year since my mom has passed away. It has not been easy. I still miss her so much. It may have been over a year, but it’s still hard. Then I started to wonder if I was being selfish wishing she was still here, because she is in a better place now. She is happy, healthy, young, free, and able to run again. She’s able to even TALK again. And she’s pain-free. I told myself ALL of these things but they did not make me feel any better. I just started to feel sad. Then I made myself STOP thinking about her – because if I thought about her too much, I’d start to cry. And I didn’t want to cry in front of these people.

So I distracted myself with more people-watching and texting. Then I went to buy some dog food. I was able to hold it together until I got to the car. That was when the tears came. After I cried a little, I got myself together again, started up the car and went to run a couple of other errands before I picked Jesse up from school.

After I got home, there was something waiting for me that made me forget the tears, the sadness and the pain. There was something there that got me excited, made me happy and made me smile: The proof copy of my new poetry book, Touched by Fire. Hooray! It arrived today!

Here is a picture of me holding the book:

That's me with the print proof of my new poetry book, Touched by Fire! For the record, my hair is up in a ponytail.

The proof copy looked great and I got online to approve it. I shared about it on Facebook and I also showed it to the kids. When the print goes live on Amazon, I’ll share more about it on my writing blog.

So today, there was a sad time and then a happy time. I am grateful the happy time is something I can end this day with.


Angel said...

Hi Dawn,
I'm excited to read your new book! I'm so very sorry about your mom, its true, she is in a better place, with her sister, and Mom and Dad and other relatives who have passed, but it doesn't feel good to the people that survived her. And it never will, my mom has talked about how she still misses her Mom, and its been 28 years since she left us. I believe grief hits us in layers. Congratulations on the new book <3

goodnight said...

Knowing they are in a better place does not make us feel better, not really. Its good to cry though, its good to let yourself feel it. Tears are empowering and let you feel better later. These moments will become fewer and further between in time, but they are an important part of healing. Congratulations on your book!!

Dawn Colclasure said...

Angel: Thank you. :) I hope you like the book. It's hard with my mom being gone. It really is. I don't think losing a parent can be something we get over eventually. I guess that's always going to be there. I try to honor her memory the best way I can. And, you know, there's a poem in that book called "When You Remember Me," and reading it again, especially on that day, helped a lot.

Goodnight: Thank you. Yes, I agree, letting the tears come out can be helpful in dealing with the grief. I just don't want to cry in a Starbucks where there are strangers. I guess tears CAN be empowering. That is an interesting way of looking at it. :)