Pausing

I hardly got any writing done today. I got some editing work done on the manuscript, but that's about it. When I got the baby down for a nap, the mail was here and I received a letter from my doctor that left me shocked and just...speechless.

Apparently, a test they'd done on me recently revealed that there might be a cancerous growth on my cervix. They want me to come in for a biopsy. If it is cancer, they noted, there is treatment I can receive that will remove the growth.

All I could say after I read the letter? "Oh, my God." After that, I just silently sat in the chair, a whirlwind of emotions raging within me. I was shocked, really shocked. Kinda scared, kinda angry. I am only 34 years old! Still, one of my sisters, who is younger than me, is also dealing with a type of cancer. And my mother has been battling another type of cancer since before I was born.

Then again, I was reminded of something: Cancer knows no age. Anyone, at any age, can get it.

I don't know if it even is cancer, though. The last time I had this test done, we got the same results. The doctor said "cancer" last time. Then she said, "Well, maybe it's not cancer." Then she said "We'll test again and see." So I had to wait, and here we are. Same test results and same possibility.

Wow.

I am going to stay strong, though. even if it is cancer, I am going to hang in there. Thousands of women have had to deal with this. They have survived. I will, too.

And, at least they caught this early.

As I sat in the chair, trying to process all of this, I started to think about everything going on in life. Something like this really puts things into perspective. I mean, if it is indeed cancer, then that sort of has my days numbered, doesn't it? And there's so much I still want to do in life. So much that I still want to see. I have always believed that we must embrace the day, live life to the fullest and go after our dreams. But I had to ask myself, just how much have I been holding true to that belief? Sure I'm going after my dreams with writing, but what about the other things? Why don't I try to find some way to get a hearing aid that won't hurt when I wear it? Why haven't I tried to learn how to swim or how to fence or how to build a web site? Why did I give up on so much? Give in to so much? Let go of so much?

I mean, really. What have I NOT done in life that I REALLY WANT TO DO?

I just sat there, thinking about all that.

I look at people running and wish I could go running, too.

Well, why don't I?

I look at all of these nice houses people own and wish I owned a house, too. And I'm not even TRYING to improve my credit or get savings put away to make that happen.

Well, why don't I?

The point is, that whole letter just really made me take stock of everything. It just really made me pause and think about everything. Even if it turns out that it's NOT cancer, I still have to look at the things I have done and the things I haven't done. The things I want to do. Deep in my heart, I want to have more children. My heart aches for more children and to have a large family. If the biopsy is positive, that won't be able to happen now. But if it's negative, well....I guess you could say that it's either now or never!

I am not happy with certain choices I have made in life and I know that because of those choices, I can't make everything right again. But this has definitely been an eye-opener for me and made me think, you know, time is running out. Why spend the rest of my life being miserable? Why spend it just...wishing for things but never trying to make them happen? Why do I constantly put up with a living situation that makes me feel less than good?

I mean, really. Why do that to yourself? Who wins in the end?

But something else happened today that also made me pause. Well, I paused after a good dose of yelling and crying.

After I got back from the laundromat, I was standing there next to the door, trying to hold it in since I'd had to go to the bathroom for the past ten minutes, and I was holding out a basket to my husband to take from me. I still had to close the door and the door and the baby was right there in front of me. I had previously held out something for him to take because I had to go back out the door but he didn't so I sat it on the table myself. Instead of taking the basket, he got busy doing something else. (He said he didn't see me holding the basket out.) I sighed in frustration, looking away as I lowered it. He noticed my reaction and angrily grabbed the basket from me and took it to another room. Then he stormed back and said he was sick of my "attitude" towards him.

WHAT ATTITUDE?? I was only expressing my frustration! That's not "attitude."

I was SOOO ANGRY at him for what he did and I'm still angry at him now. It definitely made me rethink my relationship with him. Let's just say it added to my whole episode of taking stock of things in life so far. Some people may see this and think it's not a big deal that a husband angrily grabs something from his wife. Well, you know what? It's a big deal to me. Wanna know why? I grew up in a violent home, where people physically reacted to their anger every day! Now slamming doors, screaming into a pillow and just slamming your fist on a table is one thing, as far as physically reacting to your anger goes. But when you let that physical reaction be directed at a person...that's just crossing the line. YOU DO NOT PHYSICALLY DIRECT YOUR ANGER TO A PERSON. In my family, there were people slapping, hitting, punching, physically attacking, throwing, pushing and throwing things. (Which is why I hate violence. I can't stand it and WILL NOT allow violence in my home.) If he's going to physically react to his anger towards me or anyone else, it can only get worse. Allowing him to angrily grab something from me can lead to something worse. It can lead to pushing or hitting. It's disrespectful. I will not tolerate that kind of disrespect from a man I am married to. I told him, "I don't care how angry you are. You DO NOT do that with me." He might hurt me or one of the children. (He DOES have that in his past, which is why I have never been able to completely and unconditionally love him despite remarrying him. But that's a whole nother story for a whole nother blog post.) I can't allow for him, or anyone in this house, to lose that sense of self-control over their anger. (At least he doesn't drink, in contrast to certain family members who did.)

For this reason, I have been doing a lot of reflecting today. I'm trying hard to avoid being depressed or scared or filled with anxiety. One day at a time. One day at a time. I will keep my faith in God, keep praying that God will watch over us, and see what the future will bring.