Despite the fact that I majorly dress in "guy clothes" (jeans and T-shirt), I do like to be girly sometimes. I am, more than anything, a girl. And girls like a little romance every once in a while.
So it was a huge disappointment when, last night, while my daughter was at a sleepover and the baby was asleep, there was NO romance with hubby. At all.
I had hoped we could spend some alone time together. But it didn't happen. Instead, he spent hours playing a computer game. While I was left alone. And when I was trying to get his attention, he didn't notice. I sat there grumbling, "The house could burn down and he wouldn't even notice!"
Our marriage hasn't exactly been great lately. There has not been much physical expression. Just a hug. We don't even hold hands when we go out, if we ever go somewhere together at all. He hardly ever says "I love you" and, if he does, it's because I have to say it first. We've grown emotionally distant and just don't spend any time together. At all.
So last night, eventually, I just opened up to him about it. But in the wrong way: We had an argument. I complained about the lack of intimacy and the lack of emotion between us. I told him I feel like we're roommates and not husband and wife. I kept stressing this WAS NOT about sex (and lack of it); this was about how we are so emotionally distant from each other. There's no closeness.
I also reminded him how he does so much stuff with his friend but nothing with me. We don't have coffee together. We don't "meet for lunch." We don't go to community events together like we used to. We've stopped treating each other like husband and wife and instead act as father and mother.
I also told him how I had hoped we could have a romantic evening together, since we FINALLY had that chance. FINALLY!! That chance to spend time together is finally there...and it never happened. I was so upset.
He said that he was waiting for me to say something. Or do something. And I asked him why he didn't say or do anything, either. I told him, "Don't wait. Just do something!"
Anyway, there came and went our one chance for romance. It bothers me because it has been so long since any romance has been a part of how we relate to each other. I told him I am very unhappy here and very lonely. I doubt it would do much good to even have said that, though.
Sometimes, I feel like he just doesn't care.
It's not exactly the kind of marriage I want to be in. I want my companion. My "other half." My soul mate.
And that is not there.
It really has made me see things differently and think about this marriage differently. Before, it used to be for my child's sake. (Despite this, she told me she's scared of her father.) But now I have to take a look at myself and ask myself if I can continue to live with unhappiness and disappointments. If that's something I want to continue to carry. And even if it's something I want to fix or have the strength to fix.
It's a lot I've been thinking about. Sometimes, we just really need to ask ourselves whose happiness should come first. A lot of the times, it feels like he puts HIS happiness first. Maybe I should do the same for me.