Sunday, September 06, 2009

What's a girl gotta do for romance?

Despite the fact that I majorly dress in "guy clothes" (jeans and T-shirt), I do like to be girly sometimes. I am, more than anything, a girl. And girls like a little romance every once in a while.

So it was a huge disappointment when, last night, while my daughter was at a sleepover and the baby was asleep, there was NO romance with hubby. At all.

I had hoped we could spend some alone time together. But it didn't happen. Instead, he spent hours playing a computer game. While I was left alone. And when I was trying to get his attention, he didn't notice. I sat there grumbling, "The house could burn down and he wouldn't even notice!"

Our marriage hasn't exactly been great lately. There has not been much physical expression. Just a hug. We don't even hold hands when we go out, if we ever go somewhere together at all. He hardly ever says "I love you" and, if he does, it's because I have to say it first. We've grown emotionally distant and just don't spend any time together. At all.

So last night, eventually, I just opened up to him about it. But in the wrong way: We had an argument. I complained about the lack of intimacy and the lack of emotion between us. I told him I feel like we're roommates and not husband and wife. I kept stressing this WAS NOT about sex (and lack of it); this was about how we are so emotionally distant from each other. There's no closeness.

I also reminded him how he does so much stuff with his friend but nothing with me. We don't have coffee together. We don't "meet for lunch." We don't go to community events together like we used to. We've stopped treating each other like husband and wife and instead act as father and mother.

I also told him how I had hoped we could have a romantic evening together, since we FINALLY had that chance. FINALLY!! That chance to spend time together is finally there...and it never happened. I was so upset.

He said that he was waiting for me to say something. Or do something. And I asked him why he didn't say or do anything, either. I told him, "Don't wait. Just do something!"

Anyway, there came and went our one chance for romance. It bothers me because it has been so long since any romance has been a part of how we relate to each other. I told him I am very unhappy here and very lonely. I doubt it would do much good to even have said that, though.

Sometimes, I feel like he just doesn't care.

It's not exactly the kind of marriage I want to be in. I want my companion. My "other half." My soul mate.

And that is not there.

It really has made me see things differently and think about this marriage differently. Before, it used to be for my child's sake. (Despite this, she told me she's scared of her father.) But now I have to take a look at myself and ask myself if I can continue to live with unhappiness and disappointments. If that's something I want to continue to carry. And even if it's something I want to fix or have the strength to fix.

It's a lot I've been thinking about. Sometimes, we just really need to ask ourselves whose happiness should come first. A lot of the times, it feels like he puts HIS happiness first. Maybe I should do the same for me.


April said...

I can relate. I've been with my guy (we're not married) for a long time and there wasn't ever romance. I'd take being treated like a lady, to be honest. Yesterday we we going to a store and I was a couple steps ahead, so when I got to the door I stood to the side and waited him to open it. Nope, I got there first so I was to open it. My hero.
And we definitely don't sit and have coffee together. We had started playing board games more often, and then it just stopped once again. I don't know how to bring romance into a relationship without it seeming like work or like you're telling them what to do, or begging them to be romantic. You know? After we do our bit, they have to do theirs. And, by george, do something first men! Don't wait to be asked or told. That is so unromantic.

Anonymous said...

Well the fact that Jen is afraid of her need to get to the bottom of that and tell him hey, she's afraid of you, you need to be nicer, kinder, smile more, compliment her, whatever it takes for her to NOT be afraid of you anymore!

That said, people can grow apart when they have kids, and you HAVE to make time to be together in order to grow together and not apart. You guys should choose an activity that you can do together where there will be eye contact. I know I know, so what kind of activity...dancing...playing a game together...go fishing. Also do some things together that will rev up your adrenaline even if its just like hiking, because when you do this, the human mind interprets the heart pumping hard to mean they are falling in love....yes! its true! do something physical and (or even ride a roller coaster together) and you can "re-fall" in love. As long as the activity is followed by eye to eye contact.

If you can't do that...just have sex because if you do this you get adrenaline rush too....and that tricks the mind into thinking they are falling in love. There is a study on this somewhere I will have to find it.

Beyond the physical, two people both have to make an effort to "hang out" together. Even just watch a movie or tv show together, something you both like. Is there anything you guys both like to that.

Dont wait for him to hold your hand in public, you take his hand. Dont wait for take the lead because sometimes men just get LAZY. My hubby will get lazy sometimes and then I have to wake him up. Occasionally I have to give directions...its ok I dont mind.

Soul mates. I dont I dont know if that really exists. I think people can be happy with any number of people in the world if they want to be. But love is an action word, not just an emotion. If people dont do things to prove their love, it can fade away.

You cant change someone directly, or order them to be different. But you can change yourself and in doing that cause the other person to want to be different too. It never fails if I do something nice for my hubby he will be nice back.

Just try. Nothing ventured nothing gained!

Dawn Colclasure said...

April: No kidding! Hubby says that, because he's not a romantic kind of guy, it's up to ME to initiate the ro,ance. I reminded him, "It takes two to tango." Right now, he's addicted to computer games. I feel like I'm married to a child. I'm sorry you have had to deal with this, too. This is, obviously, something to work on. We like to have a little romance in the relationship, and not just on day out of the year!

Nancy: I didn't know that. He would NOT go hiking with me, though. And as far as sex, it's nonexistent. Has been for some time. Yes, I know a couple can grow apart after having kids. Like I said, it just feels like we are Mom and Dad and not Wife and Husband. I told him as much but it just doesn't seem to bother him as much as it does me.

I did talk to him about Jen being afraid of him. It's definitely something that needs to be remedied. I don't want my children growing up afraid of their father. I had that and I hated it.

Thanks for all the comments. I am really tired and will talk more on this later.