A gentle reminder from my subconscious

I forced myself awake this morning. I was having a bad dream so I woke myself up. I tried to shake off the bad stuff that was in that dream. (Somebody in my family did something terrible to me a long time ago and, unfortunately, I have not yet made peace with it, or with him. So sometimes I have nightmares in which he is acting like some monster or he is hurting my daughter or me. In this case, he was hurting my daughter AND acting like a monster!) Well, I didn't want to think about it that much and I just kept trying to push it away from my thoughts. That person is not in my life so much anymore. He is VERY FAR AWAY and can't hurt me ever again. And he can't hurt my daughter, either. As long as I know he's far away, I don't need to be afraid.

Still, one part of that dream stuck with me. I was looking at a brown apple and it had lip marks on it, like someone had taken a bite but there was the whole intact apple in front of me. I heard this lady asking me, "What do you have against the New Kids on the Block?" And I answered, "They hate me." She said, "They don't hate you." Gee, I'd like to believe that! As it was, I mentally said back to that voice, later on as I thought on that again, "Yes, they do!" I kept going back and forth with that today. Her saying "they don't hate you" and me saying "yes, they do!"

Anyway, my stomach was all sour when I woke up. Ugh. Well, I got a glass of Alka Seltzer in water and drank it as I sat down to watch TV. In a little while, I got up and went to the computer. I answered some emails, even though I had every intention of doing some writing first. But I did emails first instead. I had some friends' emails WAITING to be replied to so I wanted to get to that first. Then I got caught up reading friends' blogs and making some edits on this blog. (Don't worry; I was just responding to a comment and changing the Blogroll. You don't need to strain your eyes looking for anything different!)

I got up to make some coffee and do some other blog reading as I drank some of it. THEN I finally got to the writing. Wouldn't you know it? The chapter I had to write next ended up being super-short. As it should be. But of course, maybe I'll touch it up when I revise the manuscript later.

That done, my stomach started gurgling again. Yuck. Maybe it was the coffee and Alka-Seltzer mixing together. LOL Oh, no, exploding stomach!

Today I planned to do some Christmas shopping for the kids. My husband and I have decided to split up the shopping between us two, and to get each child three gifts each. I got them both one gift so far (now that my daughter can read, I'm not saying what it is here!) So I went to Target this morning to get the other two. The thing she has been asking for, the thing she REALLY wants, costs $60.00. Good grief!! I don't make any big purchases like that without first consulting with my husband and he said not to get it. Spending $60 on a 7-year-old's Christmas present was just too much and to wait until she's older to buy her the more expensive gifts. I was not happy with this decision, because I know she's got her heart set on it, but maybe I can buy it for her some other time. Still, you just can't put a price tag on a child's gift, if it's what they REALLY want. Christmas is supposed to be about magic. It's supposed to be about wishes coming true. And I really felt bad I couldn't get that for her.

I was happy to get Christmas shopping out of the way, though. I'm still so frustrated with myself for STILL forgetting to send out cards. GAH! I have just been so busy with the parenting and my book, I kept forgetting to do that! Thank goodness for E-cards, but I'm STILL going to make it a point to mail out my Christmas cards. I am a total supporter of sending regular cards. It's just a really nice touch to send a regular card, if you can. It shows you really care about the person because you put thought into getting them something they can actually hold in their hands to enjoy.

I got another chapter of the book written today. It was the last chapter but not the "last" last chapter. I wish I could celebrate over the first draft being done today, but I still have an earlier part of the book to write, which includes 6 chapters. I skipped over it last time because I wasn't ready to write it yet. Now I have no choice but to write it so I have to keep up on the research and just do the best I can. Soon I WILL be able to celebrate writing the very last chapter to write. Very soon!

I kept thinking about that dream today. It's not good to carry stuff like this around. This...part of my past I haven't made peace with yet. I know there is anger over what that family member did. And there is shame. Sometimes I get so upset, wishing I had handled it differently. Wishing to GOD it had never happened. I tried to reach out to someone about it and he suggested I get a restraining order. Something the REST of my family would give me the third degree over. I was just too afraid of hurting my mother. I wish I had done it, though. Maybe it would have saved me the agony of that worse thing happening.

But, you know, what's done is done. I can't go back and change anything. This much I know. I can't expect to get an apology from that person because he acts like nothing happened. So all I can do is pray. Just pray to God to take away the memories and the pain. Maybe the bad dreams, too. I will just pray about it and, hopefully, one day I can make peace with it.