Sunday, December 21, 2008

A gentle reminder from my subconscious

I forced myself awake this morning. I was having a bad dream so I woke myself up. I tried to shake off the bad stuff that was in that dream. (Somebody in my family did something terrible to me a long time ago and, unfortunately, I have not yet made peace with it, or with him. So sometimes I have nightmares in which he is acting like some monster or he is hurting my daughter or me. In this case, he was hurting my daughter AND acting like a monster!) Well, I didn't want to think about it that much and I just kept trying to push it away from my thoughts. That person is not in my life so much anymore. He is VERY FAR AWAY and can't hurt me ever again. And he can't hurt my daughter, either. As long as I know he's far away, I don't need to be afraid.

Still, one part of that dream stuck with me. I was looking at a brown apple and it had lip marks on it, like someone had taken a bite but there was the whole intact apple in front of me. I heard this lady asking me, "What do you have against the New Kids on the Block?" And I answered, "They hate me." She said, "They don't hate you." Gee, I'd like to believe that! As it was, I mentally said back to that voice, later on as I thought on that again, "Yes, they do!" I kept going back and forth with that today. Her saying "they don't hate you" and me saying "yes, they do!"

Anyway, my stomach was all sour when I woke up. Ugh. Well, I got a glass of Alka Seltzer in water and drank it as I sat down to watch TV. In a little while, I got up and went to the computer. I answered some emails, even though I had every intention of doing some writing first. But I did emails first instead. I had some friends' emails WAITING to be replied to so I wanted to get to that first. Then I got caught up reading friends' blogs and making some edits on this blog. (Don't worry; I was just responding to a comment and changing the Blogroll. You don't need to strain your eyes looking for anything different!)

I got up to make some coffee and do some other blog reading as I drank some of it. THEN I finally got to the writing. Wouldn't you know it? The chapter I had to write next ended up being super-short. As it should be. But of course, maybe I'll touch it up when I revise the manuscript later.

That done, my stomach started gurgling again. Yuck. Maybe it was the coffee and Alka-Seltzer mixing together. LOL Oh, no, exploding stomach!

Today I planned to do some Christmas shopping for the kids. My husband and I have decided to split up the shopping between us two, and to get each child three gifts each. I got them both one gift so far (now that my daughter can read, I'm not saying what it is here!) So I went to Target this morning to get the other two. The thing she has been asking for, the thing she REALLY wants, costs $60.00. Good grief!! I don't make any big purchases like that without first consulting with my husband and he said not to get it. Spending $60 on a 7-year-old's Christmas present was just too much and to wait until she's older to buy her the more expensive gifts. I was not happy with this decision, because I know she's got her heart set on it, but maybe I can buy it for her some other time. Still, you just can't put a price tag on a child's gift, if it's what they REALLY want. Christmas is supposed to be about magic. It's supposed to be about wishes coming true. And I really felt bad I couldn't get that for her.

I was happy to get Christmas shopping out of the way, though. I'm still so frustrated with myself for STILL forgetting to send out cards. GAH! I have just been so busy with the parenting and my book, I kept forgetting to do that! Thank goodness for E-cards, but I'm STILL going to make it a point to mail out my Christmas cards. I am a total supporter of sending regular cards. It's just a really nice touch to send a regular card, if you can. It shows you really care about the person because you put thought into getting them something they can actually hold in their hands to enjoy.

I got another chapter of the book written today. It was the last chapter but not the "last" last chapter. I wish I could celebrate over the first draft being done today, but I still have an earlier part of the book to write, which includes 6 chapters. I skipped over it last time because I wasn't ready to write it yet. Now I have no choice but to write it so I have to keep up on the research and just do the best I can. Soon I WILL be able to celebrate writing the very last chapter to write. Very soon!

I kept thinking about that dream today. It's not good to carry stuff like this around. This...part of my past I haven't made peace with yet. I know there is anger over what that family member did. And there is shame. Sometimes I get so upset, wishing I had handled it differently. Wishing to GOD it had never happened. I tried to reach out to someone about it and he suggested I get a restraining order. Something the REST of my family would give me the third degree over. I was just too afraid of hurting my mother. I wish I had done it, though. Maybe it would have saved me the agony of that worse thing happening.

But, you know, what's done is done. I can't go back and change anything. This much I know. I can't expect to get an apology from that person because he acts like nothing happened. So all I can do is pray. Just pray to God to take away the memories and the pain. Maybe the bad dreams, too. I will just pray about it and, hopefully, one day I can make peace with it.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey woman, are you aware that my blog My Own Personal Writers Group is now defunct? I closed it a long time ago, but the good news is, it looks like my new blogs are here to stay! Yay! Though I am forever changing the names.

Sorry you had a nightmare, but the New Kids on the Block part is sort of funny, he he. Every now and then I dream about some pop star, once I dreamed about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey when they were married and recently I dreamed of Pete Wentz, ha ha

I know you've been worried about the New Kids on the Block not liking you, but I dont think thats it at all. I think that is your worry, but really theya re simply not accessible to the general public and their non response seems like rejection, but its not its just non acknowledgement, you know what I am saying? Something like that happened to me several years ago and it took me a while to really believe the person was not rejecting me personally.

Anyway, I really really hope you understand why I dont comment your blogs at myspace anymore (someone there attacks me when I do) and dont take that personally, because it is totally 100% not about you.

I'm very excited to read all your new stuff! Way to go writer girl!
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Dawn Colclasure said...

Hi, Nancy,

Thanks so much. Good to hear from you again! I can't wait to get EVERYTHING out there for people to read!

I'm sorry about what happened on my MySpace blog. Like I said before, I'm not going to allow that kinda thing to happen again. If commenters are going to bicker with each other or make attacks against each other, I WILL delete those comments. However, a lot of my blog posts on there are cross-posted on the DC blog and of course you are welcome to comment on there. :) The person in question hardly ever reads/comments on that blog. Or even THIS one! LOL

Yes, I realized your other blog was out of commission. Wasn't 100% sure about removing it, though. I'll go ahead and make the changes. I forgot to add a couple of others, anyway.

As to the NKOTB: I am 100% convinced that person on AOL was NOT Jonathan. And none of them never said anything otherwise. So I'm confused and a little hurt they deleted my comments on their blog. I didn't say anything mean. I'm curious about if other people's innocent comments are being deleted, too, though I haven't noticed. Yeah, it is funny about the dream, but I have an idea why it happened. As the post title suggests, issues I've kept buried in my subconscious really came into view with this dream. I WAS planning on including a song by the New Kids in one of my future novels, but after this, I changed my mind. I was really mad at them and took the whole thing personally. I even deleted them from my Friends List. I have been NOTHING but nice to them. It all seems so trivial and stupid now. So that's probably why that voice was asking that question in my dream. I have no idea about the apple, though. Oh, well. It was nice being a "fan" of the New Kids while it lasted. At least I met some great friends with the other fans.

I can accept their not liking me. I mean, I can't expect EVERYBODY to like me. I just don't understand why. I also don't understand the "nonacknowledgement" thing. Are you saying they don't recognize I exist?

Well, we can't really know why they totally ignore me and don't respond, or anything. I would try asking but, here again, there's no response. So I'm pretty much left to just guessing.

Anyway, I hope the nightmares will end someday, too. I have thought of getting counseling to deal with that bad chapter of my past, but don't know how it'll work with me being deaf and they have that whole "confidentiality" thing going, so might have trouble having an ASL interpreter. We'll see what happens, though. Maybe I can get my hands on a book that can help me out.

Anonymous said...

Hi again! Send me a link to the DC blog...
Yep that is what I'm saying, the NKOTB dont know you exist...I think the myspace is run by a publicist. If someone wrote a blog and signed it by them, like Donnie or whatever, that doesnt necessarily mean they wrote it, just approved it. They could possibly never even view any comments at ALL.
I know in my heart, that if they knew you were a fan, they would be embracing you as a fan not rejecting you at all. You'd have front row seats to all their concerts.
This whole deleting of your comments I believe was done by a publicist. Publicists can be ruthless, and maybe they want a younger, less married with kids fan base! That would be my first guess, though it would seem to me that they would be biting themselves in the ass because the fan base of the NKOTB IS ALL NOW MARRIED WITH KIDS!!!! LOL
But all I can do is speculate, I doubt your comments were deleted because of their content, or a personal dislike or you or your myspace or anything. I think it was a publicist instructed to only keep a certain type of comment.

I should go comment them and see if they delete me. What could I say? Maybe I will leave one from me and one from my daughter and see which one they keep??

Dawn Colclasure said...

You know, that makes sense. I was a part of a NKOTB fan group on Yahoo and tried to post a comment on there. ALL comments had to be authorized first and the lady who ran the group never approved mine. So now I just don't say anything. I'm definitely not gonna be some zombie saying what THEY want me to say. That's for sure. I think some of them are jealous or act like they're "so special" because they're running that group or have that access, or something. I never did anything mean to any of them, like I said. If you do try commenting on their blog, let me know if it DOES get deleted. I'm really curious about that.

Oh, and the link to my DC blog is
http://dawncolclasureblog.blogspot.com/
Thanks! :)