Today at Borders

Today I had plans to go to the library and do book research. However, given my current financial troubles, I knew I had to pay a visit to the local plasma center to donate plasma. They don't pay a whole lot for donors but what they DO pay would help to buy some food when we need it.

Before I went, I did some Internet stuff this morning. Checking messages, email and such. I paid a visit to the Absolute Write Water Cooler. I needed to unburden myself with a lingering sense of guilt over last week's missed deadline. I just felt terrible about it. So I posted this thread: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43172 I did some other posting on that board before I got off the computer. (I'd been eating while I was online; had to make sure I didn't show up for "the blood thing" with an empty stomach.) I figured I'd go to the library after that but I ended up being there for over four hours!

By the time I got home to let my dog out, feed him and eat something, it was getting on to 7 p.m. I chatted briefly with my sister, Millie, my nephew, Nathan, and with Allison while I ate before I headed on out again. I DID want to go to the library...but since I'd be there for a few hours and they'd probably be closing, I decided to do the "library thing" tomorrow, while it was still day out. Instead, I went to Borders. But...before I had logged off the computer, I saw that post from "barbara" on the Water Cooler and it just got me angry. My impression was that she thought I just didn't CARE about meeting my deadline and that she thought I didn't even ask for any help. She happened to put the word "husbands" and "child's father" in bold letters. I had typed up a reply, but I didn't post it yet...I asked a friend of mine, who is also a mod at that board, if he'd read it for me to make sure I wasn't being, well, "snide" or bitter. Because I knew I couldn't be that way. I HAVE to maintain that professionalism with everyone on that board. It's non-negotiable. I HAVE to be professional. Which is why I used the word "fling" when I typed "Please note in my first post I said I am a DIVORCED parent. Now, I don't know why you felt it necessary to make the word "husbands" bold. I don't have a husband. I ALSO DO NOT HAVE a significant other, partner, boyfriend or "fling" to ask for help." Originally, I wanted to say "or even someone I do the bedroom tango with!" instead of "fling" but...ah, I decided against that one. It just sounded too angry.

But...I WAS angry. Reading her post made me very upset. This woman was judging me when she didn't have ALL the information about what was going on in my life. I guess if she had even bothered to read my OTHER blog, here http://dawncolclasureblog.blogspot.com/, I guess she would have REALIZED that I TRY to balance the writing and parenting duties. I try to be up to par for BOTH responsibilities...but if my child's needs are more than normal, I WILL put her needs first. I make NO apology for that.

All the same...I was stewing over it. I HAD planned to work on my article today, since I'm "free" anyway, but this post just really....REALLY irked me. I ended up marching into Borders grumbling, "I'll SHOW you I care about this deadline!" (Which was, alas, unmet...) I was also mentally stewing, "You want an article? I'll GIVE you an article!" I was mad but I didn't take it out on anyone. After all, I WAS planning to write up the article today, anyway. I was very courteous to the girl at the counter in the coffee area of the bookstore. I politely ordered a caramel apple cider then sat down to write up the article. I had my notes in my notebook with me and as I went over them, I hope I wouldn't get strange looks over my studying a police report. Ha. Because the new information I uncovered in my interviews had changed the whole angle of the story, I was trying to figure out just HOW I was going to organize this thing. HOW will I write it in an objective, informative and properly constructed manner? I started to mentally scan similar newspaper reports for ideas, noting how THEY were organized and the tone the writers used for them. Have to remain objective! I'm not here to point fingers or make anybody look bad. My job is to tell what had happened, and that's exactly what I started to do.

At first, it went down okay. I kept going over notes and written quotes, putting the article together.

Then something happened. Something...just came over me.

I didn't know what was going on at first. I just knew there was pain in my head. I thought it was just another headache and kept writing. I didn't think much on it. But it became harder for me to focus. My vision started to blur. I had to reread quotes and struggle just to put words down onto paper. Beads of sweat came down my face and I was breathing rapidly as I continued to struggle and keep my focus. A sharp wave of dizziness washed over me and I was literally straining my eyes just to see. I had to run my finger along lines to see where I was because my vision kept blurring.

I finally, finally managed to finish my article. I shoved the papers back into my notebook, not even caring if they got bent up or wrinkled, then I closed my notebook.

It was all I could do before everything went dark.