Thursday, April 14, 2011

Just because I'm happy doesn't mean I don't care

They say you should never assume something, because then you end up “making an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.” But still, people assume. It seems like people can’t stop assuming things, especially about people. What’s tragic is that they tend to believe their assumptions are true. Never mind trying to see if it is true. They’re gonna go ahead and believe it is true! This has happened so many times with me. People have made assumptions about me. I hate it when people make assumptions about me. But what I hate even more is when they believe those assumptions.

Case in point: This situation with my mother. She has had cancer for a long time, and lately, it has gotten worse. Thing of it is, I have not seen my mother for YEARS. I thought it was four years. But now I think it’s been three years. Anyway, it’s been a long time. And with her cancer getting worse, her health deteriorating and things not looking so good, the pressure is on EVERYONE – all seven of her children – to see her before she goes. To be there with her.

I have no argument with that. In fact, I agree with it.

The problem is that it seems like one of my sisters thinks that I don’t. Somehow or another, she thinks that just because I don’t jump into a car or onto a plane to go out to Illinois from Oregon, I don’t give a crap that my mother is dying.

Or the fact that I’m apparently “happy” with life. So happy that I can continue to work as if I don’t have a care in the world. Or take care of my children. Write books. LIVE MY LIFE.

Excuse me, when did it become law that EVERYONE is supposed to stop living their lives just because their mother is dying?

And I may not act all sad or dramatic or cry all the time. But that’s just because I decided one day I’m NOT going to live like that anymore. I have already been there, already done that. I won't go back to that. I decided one day, you know, I’m not going to be sad anymore.

But then I went from being sad to being ANGRY. Whoa, was I angry! I was screaming a lot. Stomping around a lot. Wearing a bitter look on my face all the time. Drinking really bad, too.

That was a path of self-destruction. The anger was just tearing me apart. I was angry because my mother has cancer, that the cancer is obviously winning the battle, angry I couldn’t see her and even angrier that I might not see her before she dies.

That anger was just really tearing me apart. It made me into a bad person. I didn’t like that person, either. I CHOSE to be happy instead of angry. I’m done with being sad. And I’m done with being angry.

I choose to be happy, right here and right now. Even as my mother is slowly slipping away from all of us and I can’t see her. I won’t put my life on hold for that. I have seen what letting that get to me does. It hurt me and it hurt the children. All of that sadness – walking around the house crying and being depressed all the time – and all of that anger – the screaming and stomping around – it was making life miserable for all of us.

So I said, no more. No more of that. I want to be happy. And I want my children to be happy.

But because I have made this decision, now people are thinking, “Gee, Dawn’s mother is dying, and she just doesn’t seem to care anymore.”


I DO care. I DO give a shit, contrary to what one of my sister’s thinks, who said in a message to me yesterday, “I ASSUME you give a shit.” I’m just tired of people talking to me like I DON’T.

I CANNOT let this thing with my mother get to me that way anymore. I CAN. NOT!

YES, I AM trying to get enough money together so we can go see her. You people will have to accept the fact that I won’t travel to my mother without the children. If I go, they go. That. Is. That.

YES, I care about what is going on with my mother. I DO CARE! So don’t you people dare treat me like I don’t. I DO!! I just have my own way of showing it.

I pray for her every day. I support her and her fight against this killer disease. I love her more than any words could ever say. I DO make an effort to call her as often as I can – if by some miracle, my calls get through over there. Or somebody answers the damn phone. And if by some miracle I have a CHANCE to call her. You know, life can get pretty dang busy for me on my end. Some people just don’t get it how much work I do taking care of the kids, the house, running errands and TRYING to write all in one day. I have responsibilities, people. I can’t sit at the computer 24/7. I call when I can.

And unlike some people, I don’t have the luxury of grabbing the children and jumping into the car to drive back and forth from Oregon and Illinois. I am not blessed with the gift to snap my fingers and make enough money for travel to magically appear in my hand. You do know it takes money to travel, right???

I DO care about what is going on with my mother. But I will NOT allow this to tear my life apart. I am NOT going to act like my mother is dead NOW – because she is NOT dead! She is ALIVE! I am going to live as though she is alive, because she IS alive!

And while she is alive, I will be happy that she is alive. I will thank God Almighty that another day is here that my mother is alive. I won’t live as though she is dead. I want to be happy. And I want my children to be happy, too. I want us ALL to be happy and enjoy the fact that Carol Colclasure is living for another day! Instead of us all being sad with this…”cancer cloud” hanging over our heads.

And meanwhile, we, on this end, are doing what we can to make arrangements to go be with her before she is gone. Believe me, it IS on the “to do” list. It IS a priority. I KNOW we need to go see her. We WILL go see her. It’s going to happen.

So please don’t treat me like I don’t care. Because I do.

Peace out!

UPDATE: As of today, the doctors have revealed that my mother's cancer is GONE!! SHE IS NOW OFFICIALLY CANCER-FREE!!!! Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!! Praise God! All of our prayers have been answered!!!!!

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