Friday, May 23, 2008

The unhappy list

I've been feeling depressed lately. I keep being asked why I'm so upset but I can't really talk about it. There is just so much stuff mixed together and making me sad a lot.

So I decided to write it all down. Sort through it. Think on it. Get to the heart of it all. Figure out EXACTLY what it is bothering me. What things were making me unhappy. And maybe some of those things can be resolved.

So here is my unhappy list:

1. I am unhappy because I don't get to see my family as much as I would like to. This is THE number one grievance I have. I miss my sisters. My nieces. My nephews. And I really miss my mom. A lot.

2. I'm unhappy because I hardly ever get to talk with any family on the phone. It's hard with the relay calls and they think I'm a telemarketer, or something.

3. I'm unhappy because I don't like living in Eugene. The people are great. The school is great. The city, not so great.

4. I'm unhappy because I don't have many friends to hang out with. Just Jimmy. But I need FEMALE friends to hang out with. Girlfriends.

5. I'm unhappy because I don't even have the TIME to hang out with anyone!

6. I'm unhappy because my writing career isn't where I want it to be and it's taking so long for me to move it up.

7. I'm unhappy because I can't wear a regular hearing aid -- THE ONE I HAVE.

8. I'm unhappy because of things in my past that I wish I could change. I wish I had done certain things different or hadn't done them or STOPPED in my rush to realize things or that I hadn't said things. I don't have a second chance to fix ANY of that. I can't turn back the clock and slow myself down or make myself smarter. There are so many things that I regret and it weighs me down.

9. I'm unhappy because I never finished college. Also because the prospect of EVER finishing college is not looking too good. I really want to have that accomplishment in life.

10. I'm unhappy because people have ALL of these wrong judgments about me and make me out to be this horrible, evil person or someone I am not and they decide that I am just not worth talking to. Or they need to have drama so they create these ideas or rumors or assumptions about me. Or they just don't want to take the time and ASK if what they think about me is even really true. These are people that I really care about. And that kinda thing hurts.

Now it's time to make a HAPPY list.
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3 comments:

Jana B said...

Maybe another good list would be "small steps towards changing what I'm unhappy with?" Things always seem easier for me to deal with when I have a plan of attack.

For now, I'll just give you a hug. *hug*

10:00 PM, May 24, 2008
J. Dreamer said...

well generally I say list the things you like about your life, but without contrast its sometimes difficult to pin point exactly what you like about your life or what you want. Now you created the contrast. All these you list are valid. However, what if this is how it is MEANT to be? For example, If you could NOT in this lifetime have a college degree, it would not mean you couldnt be a famous rich beloved published author. And guess what all of those things would be magnified because you are self taught. Not only would you be admired, but you would be an inspiration to those who also had no opportunity to go to college. If you knew for a fact that you would never have this, could you let it go? Assume you know what you need to know to write your books and just trust yourself? I hope you can! (I'm trying) (Probably as soon as you let it go, your will have the opportunity to go to college, thats usually how it works.

12:11 AM, May 25, 2008
Dawn Wilson said...

Woooow....Jane, what a comment! And that is really good advice. It's true, a lot of the things I do, I did learn by teaching myself. I guess that's a good thing? It kind of reflects on the philosophy of whatever works for some people. Thank you for that. :) It has made me think! And it's true: This list really IS the contrast!

Jana, thank you. :) That's exactly what I felt after I finished this list. I was looking at it and thinking, "OK, these are the problem spots I need to work on fixing. How will I fix them?" I will think about ways to change these things. I was given some REALLY good advice on dealing with that whole "dwelling on the past" stuff. I'm going to take that advice! And thanks for the hug. **hugs**

7:57 AM, May 25, 2008

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