Lately I have been moody. My husband keeps asking me what is wrong.
What's wrong? Well, let me see. I can't get an ASL interpreter at my church. So far, four of them have left. My best friend who lived next door is no longer living next door. (Some creepy guy and his inconsiderate daughter are there now.) I haven't seen my family for a year. I don't have friends to hang out with or talk with, or anything. And I can't even find the chance to join a gym so I can get myself into shape!
What's wrong?? Jeez. What is even right.
I try to console myself. I tell myself stuff like, "Well, at least I have more time to write. At least I have my kids with me. At least I'm not getting addicted to anything and crying over my problems."
But it's the lack of socializing thing that bugs me. That really bugs me.
It's true, I haven't seen any of my family for a whole year. I could be sarcastic about that and make some crack over that is how I've managed to keep my sanity for the past 12 months. (Yeah, right!) Or that is why I've been writing so much and obsessed with my work. Or I could get angry about it and think, 'If they wanted to see me, THEY would come out to visit instead of me being the one to come out and visit.' But instead, I get sad.
And after I got depressed over something going on with people on the Internet, that was my wake-up call that I need to start filling the void. I need to stop feeling so isolated, friendless and lonely. The sad thing is, most of my friends are on the Internet! How sad IS that??? I mean, really. It's pathetic that I have more friends on the Internet than in real life.....
I need to have friends IN REAL LIFE. People to talk to. Hang out with. Do stuff with.... But I don't have those kinds of friends. I DO have friends, just the kind that I rarely see.
I need people to fill the void. I'm sick of being by myself so much. I'm a Gemini, for crying out loud! Geminis are SOCIAL CREATURES. Not solitary. But it seems I might as well get used to being solitary. I might as well get used to being by myself. Even sleeping by myself. I might as well get used to it. Embrace being solitary.
At least I have my children. I know THEY won't move away. Not yet, anyhow. And while I still have them, I'm going to make my world revolve around them.
One little clarification here: I DO like having online friends. There are online friends who have REALLY been a friend to me. People I love and care about. It just bothers me that I have more online friends than actual, in-person friends. But, I will accept this. This is how my life is, and I will accept it.
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2 comments:
hey Dawn its me Authormom. I can relate to this of course, I also have more online friends than in real life. But you have to understand something, its the nature of being a writer, we are more conversational, talkitive, when writing. Your online friends are able to actually really love you for who you are INSIDE, because they never see your outsides, not really. Pictures sure, but its not the same.
But I do understand that its sad. I recently had an argument with my cousin AND my sister based on the fact that I dont feel they care much and I actually said so. I am learning as I go in this life that not everyone has the capacity OR intelligence to be my true friend! Ha ha Its probably the same for you. There is nothing wrong with you that you dont have more people in real life around you. I have a friend that I thought, hey I could go to movies with this person and we could chat and hang out sometimes, but she is always too busy. The key thing I have to remember is she is too busy, not just too busy for me. Its hard though. Well I am sorry your church has been so difficult. I tried for 4 years to find a church I loved and could relate to people with in, in my area. Finally I decided it was MORE detrimental to my moods than to keep trying. It sort of propelled me into the direction of studying philosophy and religions and has been very informative and interesting and the thing I have learned is, church is necessary for people to hang out with like minded people, NOT to have a relationship with God. So I gave up on the church search. Religion is man made, and if they are not doing what religion is supposed to do for you. Relax and let it go for now. Stress is not what God wants. Find somewhere else, where you can socialize with people. God will not be offended that you arent showing up in church, only if you lose your spirituality and joy of life.
You know I am agnostic so my view is that church is simply another place to socialize and talk about like minded spiritual things. There are other things you like to talk about though, right? Go find a social venture that you like, and go there. God WILL be pleased, and it will show because of how happy you are. You dont have to give up the search for a church, but sometimes we find things when we have relaxed the insistent need to find it. Like you lose your keys, you search for five hours turn the house upside down. Finally you have to cancel an appointment. Later you decide to take a walk. And the keys...are in the door.
Hey there. Thank you SO MUCH for this. Every time I read this comment, I learn a little more and feel a little more better.
I know, it IS hard to find friends we "click" with in real life. It is just not easy. I WOULD like more real-life friends...and I keep telling myself they'll come into my life at the right time. At this point, I am learning to embrace isolation and using it to empower myself on the inside. Spiritually. I HAVE to be able to live with isolation and solitude without losing my mind or going crazy. It's been a wonderful learning experience so far and I am learning that even if we don't have the adult companionship and socializing that we want, we can still have SOME form of communication with other adults as a TEMPORARY substitute. It's hard with a little baby. I can't drag him around all over the place just so I can have a social life.... And I know that this, too, will pass.
I have learned of the one and only church in Eugene that DOES have a deaf ministry. I will look into it. I hate the thought of leaving my church, which I have attended for over 2 years, but what I want out of church is spiritual guidance in my walk with the Lord and it seems to be the only place I can get that guidance.
Thanks. :)
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