Spending my weekend with a married man

On Saturday, December 23rd, my plan was to go see the Grynch concert. Even though I've lived next door to these guys for almost 6 months now, I have YET to see one of their shows. *kicks self* But after I had a late breakfast, and just before I was about to clean the house, my neighbor, Jimmy, showed up, asking to borrow my dustpan. After I handed it to him, he started telling me he was having problems with his marriage and he was trying to get his house cleaned and ready for his Christmas Eve party the next day. His wife and kids were out of town for the weekend. Remembering how I'd thought of asking him if I could come over sometime to help get his house cleaned up (admittedly, it WAS a disaster area), I brought the idea up. Jimmy seemed relieved and I told him I'll be over later to do just that. I had to clean MY house first. Haha.

So I got my cleaning done. Then I went next door to get the cleaning done at Jimmy's house. (I was actually flattered he was up to letting me help him clean. Yay! Maybe he thinks I'm a good cleaner? Well, my daughter certainly thinks so, though there's been many times she'll stop me in action and ask, "Mommy, why are you cleaning the whole house?") I was surprised at how fast I worked, moving from one room to the next to the next. At one point, though, Jimmy stopped me before I could vacuum the dining room and said, "You're coming with me."

I froze, wondering what kind of infraction I had committed. I only moved the globe so I could vacuum! Honest! (Haha, it's been TOOOOO long since I've cleaned a person's house. Last person I cleaned for was my mom when she lived across from me in Rancho Mirage!) But actually, he had some shopping to do. At first, I was confused why he needed me to come along, but then I found out why when one pushcart became two and the back of his car got filled up. We went from one store to another and another, getting everything he needed for the food he'd have to make for the party. He kept telling me "you're going to help me cook all of this" and I could only dumbly look down at everything then back at him and ask, "How?" (His party has a Puerto Rican theme.) He only smiled and said, "You'll see."

When we finally got back, I ran over to my place to let my dog out, give him fresh water and feed him. Then I ran back to Jimmy's to help him cook the food. He said "now the real work begins" but, to me, it wasn't work. It was FUN! I love to cook so I thought it was fun to be in the kitchen cooking with him, chopping, cutting, sorting, frying and breaking things up. He gave me the job to break up the bulbs of garlic. I had NO IDEA how to do that and when he showed me, I thought, 'That looks like it requires some muscle.' But, actually, it turned out to be easy. I apologized that I wasn't moving as fast with all the food prep and cooking and he just waved it off.

At one point, he started blasting music and we had some tequilas. I...actually had three tequilas. LOL It was GOOD! Later, though, I was using the bathroom and I almost shrieked when I saw that my face was all red!! I told Jimmy I hadn't realized my face was red and he laughed and said it's probably from too many drinks. Well, I was a TINY bit tipsy, but not stumbling or messing up the cooking, or anything. :P

I did some extra cleaning in between cooking jobs. When there wasn't anything left for me to do, Jimmy encouraged me to just have a seat and enjoy a drink. We talked A LOT through all that time, about marriage and kids and just life in general. (Well, I'm not married. LOL But he did ask about my divorce, saying my ex-husband "seemed nice" so he was curious about what happened. I mumbled something about "emotional abuse" then warned him against throwing any pity parties for me. Nuh-uh, don't want that stuff! I'm charging full steam ahead through the here and now!) There was a movie playing on his TV. I looked at it from where I sat and saw this mother tucking in her little boy. It immediately reminded me of the many nights I've tucked my little girl into bed. That was enough to tug at my heartstrings and I almost started bawling like a baby, crying, "I miss my daughter!!" (I'm STILL not used to her spending the weekends with her dad...) But I swallowed that down, just like I have to every weekend. Instead, I turned to look at Jimmy and ask, "Are you used to your kids being away so much?"

He mutely nodded and continued working. Though now I noticed he was working a little faster. (His wife and kids go out of town a lot.) I had previously asked him if he'll be seeing his kids on Christmas Day and he said no. 'That does it!' I thought. I invited him to have Christmas dinner with me and my daughter. (I had planned to bake my usual ham but Jimmy had an extra turkey so he gave that to us for our Christmas dinner. Yay!!)

Another thing that tugged at me was the fact that I wasn't at home so much. I'm SO USED to being at home so much. But this whole "new life" I'm living means stepping outside of my comfort zones, so I told myself, "SO WHAT if I'm not at home so much today! What would I be doing?? There's NOBODY there! What, am I gonna sit on the computer for HOURS, chatting? This stuff is TOO FUN!! And I need to be with people, not by myself." Part of me thought maybe Jimmy needed to be around people, too. He's so sociable! There were people we were talking to on our shopping trip and we'd be hugging people and talking with them.

So, I was glad for the company. And I was glad that I could offer someone else a little company, too.

He kept reminding me to bring my digital camera with me to his party tonight. Even though it's a crappy camera, it DOES take satisfactory pictures.

It was after midnight when I got back home. Jimmy came over to store some food in my refrigerator. We talked some more for a bit before he headed on back home. I gave him a hug and said I'll see him tomorrow.

The party will be a great fun time. And I'm happy I got to have a hand in helping him throw this party.

I'm heading on over there again today to help out some more!

I've been sad my daughter and I won't be spending Christmas with family. But, at least we'll be spending it with our friends.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!! :)

Computer problems? Blame ghosts

I wish it was possible for me to claim I live a normal life. But the truth of the matter is, my life has been far from the common definition of "normal." Rather, it's been a life of interesting highs and lows, but also interesting aspects in and of themselves.

One particular thing that stands out about my life is that I have seen ghosts. Ever since I was a child, I have seen ghosts.

One ghost who pops up from time to time is my grandfather, my dad's father. My mom first saw him at my crib when I was a baby so long ago, after I had the car accident. She was stressing out over if I would live, if I would be all right, and my ghostly grandfather assured her that I would be okay. Here's another instance: Shortly after I had my child, I awoke one morning to see his spirit in the bedroom, hurriedly leaving because he knew I was awake now. But he turned to take one last look at me before he left, and I still remember his face to this day. I told my mom and she guessed he wanted to see his brand new great-grandchild, who'd been sleeping in a bassinet in my room.

Then Grandpa made another appearance in my home, but this time he didn't show himself visually.

One evening, I was sitting on the couch in my living room, going over old family photos. I remember lingering over the photos of my grandfather with my dad. I'd sadly look at those pictures, wishing I could see him just one last time. I was a baby when he died and even though there are pictures of him with me, I don't remember him too well. Perhaps some things are remembered, deep inside, but I can't just "pull them out" to fondly recall my short time with him.

After I placed the pictures back in the envelope they were kept in, something bizarre happened. There was an entertainment center across from me, with a TV set, VCR and cable box. Immediately, the TV came on, but it was all fuzzy. Then it turned off again, came back on showing the same picture, then it turned off. A tape left in the VCR suddenly popped out and the VCR shut off.

I was startled by this, of course. But then I smiled, knowing my grandfather had somehow let me know he was still with me.

That's what I thought because I know that when there is a presence in the room, when spirit activity is occuring, a number of things can happen to confirm they are there. Some people suddenly get a headache (yes, this is true!), some pick up on smells, some feel a coldness in the room, the hair on the back of the neck stands up and some items move. A very common telltale sign of spirit activity, though, is when the electricity starts acting up. Lights flicker (this happened in the haunted house we lived in), watches stop working and radios just come on all by themselves.

I often joke that I'm a jinx around ALL technological things, because just using the microwave gets it working weird. Or even not working right at all. Ha. But I actually suspect that something else is to blame for these techno quirks: Spirit activity.

I wish I could say I "grew out" of all that ghost-sighting stuff, but I haven't. I can't, really! I still see ghosts from time to time. Admittedly, not as often as I used to, but I do see them. I will also see strange flashes of light and feel a touch on my arm or even a "hand" going through my hair.

Recently, I have been having computer problems REALLY bad. One such problem is my computer constantly rebooting itself. Unfortunately, it happens when I'm in the middle of writing something, answering an email or ordering something online.

And I end up sitting there as the computer reboots, grumbling about it.

So many people have been telling me to get this computer looked at. My ex can't figure out why it's been like this (and he's a computer expert) and others I have talked to don't understand why the computer does these things.

Well, since there's no other logical explanation for this....then it would seem I have nothing left but the glaringly obvious one to cite as my culprit: I had a special visitor around me, one which the computer couldn't really function very well around.

Often, if I surrender myself to this, it works out in the end. I'll step away, do other things and think about what I'd been writing or what I'd been trying to do or say. And usually that gets me to realize that perhaps the computer flatlining on me like that had been a good thing after all, because what I'd been doing before it shut down wasn't really the right thing to write...or even do.

But this also happens during other times, and not just when I'm writing. It'll happen during chats with people, when I'm checking stuff out, ordering online, etc. Usually, something ELSE comes up, which I realize while the computer reboots itself. I need to be somewhere, I need to call someone, I have to do SOMETHING that needs my attention RIGHT NOW.

So maybe it's my grandpa paying a visit after all, checking up on me like he always used to.

Guns and laundry

I think I picked a bad day to do laundry today.

This afternoon, my ex showed up, after disappearing for a couple of days due to him being sick. So he stopped by today, apparently not working, and he hung out here until the time to go home with our daughter in tow. While he used the computer, I was doing different stuff; making lunch, tidying, reading and doing a load of laundry. I use the laundromat down the street from me (it's not even a whole block down, really), so I took a load over there to wash. When I got them into the dryer, I walked back home and made lunch. After a while, I saw my daughter run to the living room window to look out at something. I didn't take much interest in this until I noticed my ex was at the window, too, looking in the direction of where the laundromat was.

When I got his attention, I asked him what was going on. He said there was a police car out there, right across from where the laundromat was. I figured it wasn't any big deal, maybe somebody was getting a ticket, or something, but apparently there was also a motorcycle police officer over there and more police officers in the alley behind my neighbor's house.

I started to panic, worrying that once again some lunatic was running around, shooting people. (This had happened before.) But I tried to stay calm and not stress over it too much. As long as we stayed inside, we'd be okay, right?

I started to worry about the laundry, though. I mean, I couldn't just LEAVE that stuff there! What if the owner was involved and what if they needed him to clear all that stuff out of there or what if the police wanted everyone accounting for what should and shouldn't be there?

Well, I didn't think whatever it was involved the laundromat. I mean, if there were cops behind my neighbor's house, chances are whatever went down happened in that alley.

Still, I was concerned. I SHOULD get my stuff out of there. I told my ex but he repeatedly told me DO NOT GO OVER THERE. I said it didn't look like anything serious had happened and he said he'd seen a cop run over there with a shotgun.

Whoa. Okay. Now I wasn't worrying about the laundry so much. I started worrying about my neighbors. Shoot. What if something had happened TO THEM?? Why were there cops behind their house? I mean, there was one officer, wearing plainclothes and one of those "crime scene" tags, walking around, looking at something. Had someone been shot? Had someone gotten hurt???

I wanted to run next door to find out. I started to worry that maybe Darrell or Tobby or even Sean had been hurt. That their home had been broken into, or something. Alley or no alley, the cops were RIGHT THERE. I could see them outside of my kitchen window.

But I knew I couldn't go out. I had to stay inside. If it was THAT bad, I could not go outside.

But at the same time...I was grateful. NORMALLY, I stick around at the laundromat while my clothes are drying. And I was SO GRATEFUL that today I had not. I was just thanking God Almighty I had come home and not stuck around there.

So, finally, the excitement died down. I was finally able to go get the laundry and bring it home. The police were all gone, there was no yellow tape and there seemed to be a sense of things returning to normal.

That's what I thought until I saw a news van pull up across the street. 'Oh, shoot. The frekking news,' I thought, hurrying home and PRAYING they didn't see me. The whole time, I was hoping a reporter hadn't spotted me and jumped out of the van to chase me down to ask questions. I was thinking, 'I didn't see anything and I LITERALLY did not hear anything. Please. I don't wanna be on TV!' I got home with no reporter at my heels. Whew.

My neighbors were okay. Whatever had happened hadn't involved them. I asked Tobby if he had heard anything while all that had gone down. He'd been really busy working and wasn't even aware that the cops had been outside. But at least he told me he hadn't heard any gunshots being fired. Who knows what had REALLY happened...but I'm just glad all of us were okay.

Once bitten

There is this Web site called DeafConnect.com that was recently part of an online scam targeting the deaf community. http://www.4hearingloss.com/archives/2006/11/internet_scamme.html

As much as I have wanted to meet other people who are deaf (mostly in-real-life; it's not an issue with my online friends), I have not used DeafConnect.com. But I DID use a similar site: DeafSinglesConnection.com. http://www.soulmatesource.com/deafsingles.html I joined that site because I was hoping to find other deaf/HOH people in my area who I could meet up with. When I lived in the desert, I was a part of this "deaf club" that had "deaf coffee" and pizza gatherings and meeting for a bowling night, etc. It was really a fun thing to be a part of and it helped to be around others who were deaf/HOH, too. Though we DO have "deaf coffee" here in Oregon, the one closest one to me is about an hour away. (UGH.) So I joined DeafSinglesConnection.com to see if I could find any local deafies. I also used MySpace to find local deafies, but that didn't pan out. I HAVE met with other deafies through MySpace, but no one local. (Oddly enough, there is someone on there who is deaf yet CONSTANTLY advertising "free ringtone" bulletins. What the...?) And the same happened with the DeafSinglesConnection site, too.

Actually, something ELSE happened while I was a member of that site. Something similar to what happened at DeafConnect.com.

When I had a profile on there, I received many messages from people, mostly men, interested in getting to know me better. I kept things discreet and went through messages that just gave me bad vibes or had guys saying "I LOVE YOU! Let's meet!" LOL I ended up deciding to delete my account there because I just DID NOT feel comfortable being a part of it. I mean, one guy wanted to meet with me for sex! (OF COURSE I blew him off! Good grief!!) But I ended up choosing one person to communicate with by email who ended up doing something suspicious.

Before I deleted my account, I contacted 4 people on there and gave them my email address. One person ended up chatting with me frequently and I ended up no longer chatting with him after things got a little...scary. But there was one other person whose profile appeared shady to start with, but I figured he was nice enough to talk to so we sent emails back and forth. Supposedly, it was someone living in the UK. (I'm such a sucker for those British gentlemen. LOL) At one point after a few weeks of our emails, he asked for money.

No longer did I see this person as someone just interested in communicating with another deafie. Now I saw him (or HER??) as a possible scam artist. I mean, the first thing I thought after I read that was, 'Smooth.' (This person had been professing his love to me, even though I kept saying "I want to take things slow" and saying he wanted to fly out to meet me, etc.) It's not like I had any kind of emotional attachment to this person, or anything. So I told him I couldn't do it because my finances were strained.

Didn't expect to hear back from him after that -- but I DID, after a while. This time, he offered to send ME money!

OK. This was getting weird.

I told him "no thanks" and after that, never heard from him again.

So I guess something WAS up?? After hearing about that whole DeafConnect.com thing, there's a big chance that perhaps something WAS. I have talked with one other person who had joined that site, someone who is the sole survivor of my original list. LOL But he told me the same thing happened to him, too. There were people who befriended him through that site and acted all nice, even sent pictures, then asked for money.

I would NEVER give money to people I don't know over the Internet. Not people I don't know WELL, anyway. I LOVE!! my friends at the Absolute Write Water Cooler, and they HAVE helped out me and my daughter during the hard times. They are TRUE friends to me who I would gladly help in return (when I CAN!!). But other than that, no. Not complete strangers. Not people I don't trust. Not people I barely know. Stuff like that is just TOO risky. And, I have a child who depends on me; I can't compromise that sort of thing. Also, the same goes for RECEIVING money. Deaf or not deaf, if they're not family, if they're not people I trust or people I KNOW very well, then that is NOT gonna happen. There are just too many scams and too many scary people out there to let stuff like that go down....

Good thing I have learned to be more careful with people online, from now on. Deaf or not deaf, you just CAN'T lower your guard so easily.

Every parent's fear

I need to talk about something that happened today because it REALLY touched on one of the fears I have as a parent. One fear EVERY parent has, really: When your child goes missing.

This did not happen to me. But it DID happen to my neighbor, Jimmy.

I spent a lot of time today on the Internet, looking for jobs, checking out job sites, checking out job assistant resources and job training programs and also going through ads both on and offline. My neighbor, Jimmy, showed up at around 4 p.m. asking if we had seen his 5-year-old daughter.

Suddenly, red flags went up as I told him we hadn't seen her all day. (My daughter plays with his daughter almost every day.) He said some things about how he was trying to find her and said as he was walking away that he was going to call the police.

I returned to my task, though this time not as gung-ho as I had been about it before. I was also chatting with people online (which my daughter occasionally joined in on), but I didn't say anything about it.

That was, until one of Jimmy's sons, Jeremy, came by. First he came by because he'd gotten locked out of the house and needed to use the phone, then he was asking about his dad and sister. I told him about how his dad had been here earlier asking about his sister and he got really nervous and then told me, by pen and paper, that it was his DAD who was supposed to pick his sister up from school and that if Jimmy had been here at the time I told him he was, something was "VERY wrong."

When he left, I saw him run to his mother, who was in her truck at the corner, then he jumped into the bed of the truck and it took off down the street.

I started getting nervous now. Actually, I got really scared and I started praying that little girl was okay. I told one of my sisters about it (she's one of the people I was chatting with) and I just couldn't be much talkative after that. I started moving around the house, trying to keep myself distracted with little manual tasks, but I kept going back to the living room window to keep an eye out for either her or any of them. My daughter wanted to go outside to play but I wouldn't let her outside. I don't let her play outside when it is dark but I REALLY was more concerned about some kidnapper going around, snatching kids. I would not let her go out at all, even to stand on the front porch. I just had to keep her close by.

Finally, about 25 minutes later, Jeremy came back and said, "We found her."

"Oh, thank God!" I said, a wave of relief flowing over me. "Is she okay?"

He nodded and tried to explain what had hapened but I couldn't understand him very well.

I asked if his mother was okay. He said, "No." His mother was distraught, just hysterical. She was crying and just going nuts.

I tried to find out more but all I really needed to know was that she was okay and on her way home. He seemed anxious to get back to his mom so I sent him on home and told him I'd come by later.

I felt horrible for that poor woman. I didn't know what to do to help her. Finally, I went over there and hugged her. I stood next to her as she waited for her husband to get home with their daughter then I noticed Jeremy waving to me from inside the house. I went inside and he told me about what had happened. (For the family's privacy, that part will not be revealed here. But the little girl is okay and safely back home.)

I'm so glad this story had a happy ending, but I know that, for a lot of parents, there was no child found. There was no child returned home. There was no grateful, tearful reunion between parent and child.

My own child is a hider, which of course isn't always a great thing. There have been many times I would not be able to find her and I'd run around, frantically calling out her name until I'd remember she hides and to check common places she hides at. There was also the time in Lake Arrowhead she had wandered off into the woods with her cousins, unbeknownst to me, and I freaked out because I didn't know where she was and I went nuts trying to find her.

Recently, we were at this park. While she played on this swing, there were two dirty, misdressed men who kept hovering around her. At one point, the two of them, plus their big dog, started circling her and talking to her while she stood near the slide. I panicked, of course. I grabbed her and got her out of there. Who knows if they had the intention of snatching her or not. But I didn't want to take that chance.

I would NEVER take that chance.

A child's life and safety is just too precious to take ANY chances with...

The wheels on the bus

Part of my participation with Vocational Rehab involves securing transportation for when I can get a job. Since my car is out of commission and one of the cars my ex is letting me drive stopped working, I have mostly relied on getting to places on foot. Sometimes my neighbor, Jimmy, gave me a ride. Or his wife, Melissa, gave me a ride. But mostly I would walk to places and mostly my daughter walked with me.

But with the winter season moving on and temps dipping as low as 34 degrees, walking isn't always an option. Even for me. Vocational Rehab is working with me to solve this problem. My counselor got me a bus pass for December and I was SUPPOSED to have bus training the other day, but that didn't happen.

Why do I need bus training? Because I have NEVER ridden a public bus before, in all my life. Not ONCE.

That is, until recently.

Since the bus training thing didn't happen, I decided to try learning all about how to use public transportation myself. I've never read bus schedules or anything like that before and I never knew what the numbers are on a bus. so I have been asking lots of people lots of questions, checking out the LTD Web site http://www.ltd.org/index.html and also checking out the bus schedules people can pick up at certain locations.

And that seemed to work out okay for a while. I decided to take advantage of my freedom this weekend and REALLY crack down on figuring out how to use the bus. Getting to my destination was a breeze. I ended up getting off earlier than I planned to, but that ended up being a good thing because I saw a place with a "now hiring" sign on the door and went inside to fill out an application.

Now getting to my destination was no trouble. It's GETTING HOME I ended up getting wrong.

I checked the time and headed for a bus stop. Now, Allison has explained bus-riding stuff to me before. She said I need to check scedules posted at the stops. Some stops have schedules and some don't. This one did but I didn't check it. I pretty much relied on the schedule I had in my hands. Now therein was my mistake, because I ended up boarding the WRONG bus. Which took me to the WRONG stops. Then it went back to the station. I figured, "OK, I'll just stay on and it'll go to my stop next."

But what I didn't REALIZE is that a bus changes its number when it gets back to the station. So I ended up going all over the place again, nowhere NEAR my stop. (I pondered getting off at a familiar location then walking the rest of the way home, but by now it was dark and I try to avoid walking around in the dark when I can.) So I'm sitting there for two hours, thinking, 'Why aren't we going THAT way?' The bus got back to the station so I got up and asked the driver if he was planning to go along my route next.

Ah, actually, he was going home now. Whoops.

So I asked him about how to get to my stop and he pointed out the bus stop I had to go to.

Well, I FINALLY got home last night, but I was SERIOUSLY kicking myself over the mix-ups. OK, soo, to recap: ALWAYS check the schedules at the bus stops. MAKE SURE you have the RIGHT bus. If you're not sure about the route, ASK. The bus numbers CHANGE when getting back to the station. AND the bus routes stay the same after each round.

OK. Got that.

So this morning I was going to take the bus to get to church. But I overslept and missed it. So, I walked, despite the fact that it was FREEZING COLD. But something told me I HAD to get to church today. I HAD to be there. So, cold or no cold, I went. And it was a lovely service, really. I GOT THERE ON TIME!! LOL Yay!! People cried during the service and it was really enjoyable. As usual, I didn't understand a darn thing, but I still enjoyed it.

I had not been able to find my friend, Nicole, when I got to the church. (She signs for me.) But later, I got to the bus stop outside of the church, and I couldn't believe my eyes when I turned to see her walking towards me, smiling and waving. I REALLY thought my eyes were deceiving me. But there she was!! YAY!!

We hugged and talked. I'd been at the bus stop for a WHILE. As usual, I had relied on the wrong schedule and was waiting for a 12:38 bus that was actually a 1:11 bus. *groan* We talked about a lot of things, though. She said she was planning to move to Colorado to live closer to her dad and she had plans to do this next year. Of course, I was sad at the news, but I told her I had plans to move back to California next summer, so at least we'll be close. And I told her, "COME AND VISIT! I'll fly you out there myself!" She laughed and said one of her best friends lives in California and she knows a lot of people in California, so she'll definitely be coming out to visit, anyway. Sweet!

I told her about my little bus adventure and she laughed so hard. She said she has not had to ever ride the bus before she moved to Eugene over a year ago. This was the first time in her life she was relying on bus transportation. And I told her it was MY first time, too! At least Nicole had the smarts to rely on the schedule POSTED AT THE STOP to know what bus to get on when. I started eyeing the paper schedule in my hands more and more bitterly. Gah!

We also talked about her new job. She works at a feed store and she said it was funny how there are ALWAYS big ranch-type guys coming in to buy cowboy hats and cowboy boots. It was funny. She started imitating these big cowboy-guys coming in with their lopsided walk. LOL I told her about how I used to entertain the idea of getting one of those "ranch hand" jobs where you get room and board in exchange for doing the ranch work. I also told her I have always wanted to have a job working with animals. (My meeting Joleen Lambert has REALLY had that kind of an influence on me!! Ah, to live the life of a cowgirl.) She said right now in Eugene, there are NO jobs, but where she works at, they are hiring. She said, "We need people." I raised my hand and said, "I'm people!" She said they need help around the store. Stocking shelves and cleaning up. She gave me the name and phone number and I said I would definitely call them to see if maybe I could get something set up. That would be so awesome! Even more awesome would be working at the same place as Nicole. Yay!! Then I could FINALLY see her more often. (She MAY be younger than me, but we really are good friends.)

She also told me she hasn't checked her email for a looooong time. I told her I have sent her emails and ecards before. So! She needs to be checking that there email! LOL But I knew some emails I'd sent her were getting returned.... She has a Hotmail email account and I used to have one, too. The thing about Hotmail (and lots of OTHER free email accounts) is that if you go several months without checking it, your account gets deleted. So I started to worry maybe her account was a little...compromised and that's why some emails I'd sent her got returned. So I reminded her to check it soon.

While we were waiting there in the ICE COLD windy and rainy weather, this white minivan pulled up with two guys inside. I was nervous so I remained quiet as Nicole talked to them. I didn't get all she said to them but I did catch her saying "thanks, anyway" before it drove off. I asked her what was that about and she said that one of them goes to our church and he was asking if we wanted a ride to the bus station. She later told me she'd turned them down because she felt bad and didn't want them to have to go out of their way for us. She said she DID know one of the guys and that he was a real funny guy. She also said she had thought the bus would be there any minute now.

But, it wasn't. Actually, it took FOREVER for the bus to show up. Meanwhile, Nicole and I were standing there, freezing our butts off. (Well, our HANDS, really. Neither of us wore gloves.) It was COLD!!! At one point, I looked up and saw a rainbow and I pointed it out to Nicole. She brightened and we commented on how big and colorful it was. Then I turned to see that a light drizzle was falling. I didn't know it was RAINING!! I showed Nicole and I said, "I didn't see it without the sunlight."

She said, "I love it when there is sun and rain."

More time passed. Nicole kept checking the time on her cell phone and when it was 1:11, she said, "The bus should be here right now."

"We need to will it here!" I said, using my hand to mimick using mental powers to make the bus suddenly appear from around the corner.

"Yes. Will it! Will it!" Nicole cheered.

After a minute or two, I saw Nicole standing there, shivering and saying, "For the love of God!!"

Finally, like only a MINUTE after that, THERE was the bus! FINALLY!!!

I showed Nicole and we jumped up and down, cheering and saying, "Thank God!" (LOL It was VERY COLD!!! BRR!!)

So we got on the bus and got ourselves warmed up. THANKFULLY, the busses are warm. Wow, free transportation AND warmth. Ahh, life is good. LOL

We got to the station and parted ways. Nicole had to go to one bus stop and I went to another.

At least this time, I knew EXACTLY which one to go to in order to get home.

Life, as it is

So, yeah. Things are kinda hard right now. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to bury myself into a hole and cry. But, I won't do that. Crying won't solve anything. I am TRYING to hang in there. I am TRYING to get a freaking JOB so that my daughter and I can have a nice Christmas. Everybody is so happy right now and I can't even afford a tree.

OK. Enough of that.

I'm sick of being all on my own. That's ONE thing.

I applied for a job at the Burger King. They told me today, "We just hired 8 people and we're all full." Damn. Boy, you know you're pathetic when you can't EVEN get a job at a fast food joint. *smirks*

I'm pretty much losing my enthusiasm for everything. And I MEAN...everything. I just want to tell off the people at the newspaper and tell them to SHOVE IT because they STILL haven't paid me yet. And now I've done 4 articles for them. They're crazy if they think I'm gonna do any more.

Well, that pretty much sums up my mood right now. I've deleted some emails I've sent to some people and removed people from my Buddy List.

I guess I'm just mad at the world.

But most of all, mad at myself. For being a big fat failure.

Merry Freaking Christmas.

What good ARE possessions, anyway?

This month brings a bit of a financial crunch for myself and my child. After the rent, bills and car stuff gets paid for, there's very little left over for food and Christmas. Today I put together a "to do" list on how to tackle this problem. I was LUCKY my church helped us out to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner, but I know I can't rely on luck to help us have a nice Christmas. And avoid starving to death. So I'm working on solving that problem. I guess I gotta try to get a job EVERY DAY until I have one, asking my neighbor to watch my daughter so I can walk to places if I can't call them. And tell people, "If ANYTHING opens up, please let me know." There's this one business I tried to get a job at, but they said they were all filled. I left my resume with this department store even though they said nothing will be available until February, and that got me to realizing I should leave myself available at OTHER places in case something comes up. So, I should tell them "email me" if anything comes up. I mean, ANYTHING! Outside of being a mom, I have no real obligations, so I'm willing to work full-time, 7 days a week, doing whatever job I can get. (I sure would miss attending church, though. But as it is now, it's too cold to even WALK to church, and I haven't had the bus training yet to see how I could get there riding the bus.)

This is how it is being a single parent. I am slowly but surely learning the ropes.

But, anyway. I know someone who sells off his possessions for money. I used to try to sell some of my dolls, even though I want to save them for my daughter. But I have also thought of selling other things, too.

Actually, one common idea I'll have is to sell ALL of my worldly possessions and just live on the road. Haha.

I have thought of trying to get one of those live-in jobs. I've read about people who had those. They lived at someone's house and either did nanny work or housekeeping. I've thought of this, too, but...I have a child, so I don't see how that would work. She'd probably miss her toys, anyway. Me, I wouldn't mind parting with my stuff. I mean, AS LONG as I'm employed, able to provide for my child, etc., I am one happy camper. I know there are some possessions I have I'd get into trouble for selling off, though. My dresser belonged to my grandmother, so if I didn't keep it, it'd have to go to another sibling. My entertainment center belongs to a sister, and my table and chairs once belonged to a good family friend. I also have this ring that belonged to another good family friend and some books, photos and miscellaneous items that belong to my dad and other family members. Soo, parting with THAT stuff is out.

Well, in any event, I'm crossing my fingers something will come along soon. A job. A nice book deal. Getting a roommate. Or even winning the lottery! Ohh, wait a minute. I don't play the lottery. Well....something!

The teased becomes the teaser

Tonight I had soup for dinner. I was once asked "why just soup?" when I told someone what I had. My answer had been, "Because I'm cold." There is NOTHING like a nice bowl of hot soup during the winter season. Yay! :)

It was REALLY cold today. The temp was 37 degrees! I learned a VERY IMPORTANT lesson: NEVER, ever, ever, EVER go for looong walks when it's 37 degrees. LOL I was SOOO COLD!!

I've lived here for over a year and I'm STILL not used to this weather. I always say, "You can take the girl out of California, but you can't take the California out of the girl." LOL Which is probably WHY I keep saying "like" in so many sentences. Haha!

Meanwhile, my family members in sunny California are telling me, "Oh, it's SO NICE here." And, "I think it was in the 70's today." *grumbles*

But...I chat often with my best bud, Mark. He lives in NORTHERN Cali. Now, it DOES get colder there than it does down south, but not as cold as here. And he TEASES me about that!!

But, tonight, I got to tease HIM. Mwua-ha-ha!!

So we were chatting. And I told him how I had two heaters running, because it was so cold. He made it a point to tell me how FORTUNATELY he hasn't had to be in that kind of a situation yet.

I typed back, "Well, Mark, you're moving to Boston! It's even colder THERE!" I also made it a point to note that it snows MORE there than it does here. At least, more than where I'm at.

Watch. After he moves to Boston, I'll be getting messages from him along the lines of, "It's sooo cooold here. *whines*" LOL!! Haha. Neener, neener, neener!! :P

What would MacGyver do?

This morning an online friend IMed me with her latest blog post. The subject of that blog post was, "I MacGyvered the Snowblower!" Here's the link: http://putzworld.blogspot.com/

One of the things I typed back was, "I had a HUGE!! crush on Richard Dean Anderson LOL" My former brother-in-law used to tease me about it, cooing, "You LOOOVE him!" And even though I'd get all defensive-like and say "no, I don't!" it's true. LOL I remember just TOTALLY being into him and even fantasizing about marrying him one day. *blushes*

But, of course, I had other crushes. On other actors. LOL Ricky Shroeder and David Hasselhoff. But it's definitely RDA I had the loooongest crush on. And every time I read about him in the news, or something, I would always remember that crush.

But today, my friend's blog post sent me back to the 80's. Not only did I tell a family member in a later IM "I'm thinking of crimping my hair again" (yes! I once crimped my hair!!), and not only did she tell me "let the 80's stay in the 80's" (haha), but I even started thinking nonstop about MacGyver!

He even got into a posting I made at the Absolute Write Water Cooler: "I decided to skip over my character getting all McGyver with her computer and leave her with the doubts." haha I IMed my friend and teased her, "It's your fault I typed this!" And I showed her that. LOL It got me thinking ALL about MacGyver.

And not so much about Richard Dean Anderson.

Well....maybe not THAT much. *blushes*