Sometimes in life, we go about our day like all is right with the world. We never expect for life to throw a curve ball or for something to come around and knock us off our feet. That’s pretty much what happened with me recently. For the past several weeks, I have been asking myself one question: Do I have cancer?
It started out with an annual exam gone wrong. It got worse when I had to go through a procedure and my doctor was saying she didn’t like what she saw. Unfortunately, my doctor did not explain much else. She did answer some questions, but she didn’t tell me exactly what was wrong. And I kind of needed to know exactly what was wrong. Thing of it is, there is a “cancer cloud” hanging over my family. My mom had cancer twice – though it was not cancer that took her life in the end. So we in the family are aware that cancer might strike one of us again. It did actually strike one of my sisters. Some of my cousins and aunts have had or are currently fighting some kind of cancer right now. So we know it is THERE.
And that’s why I was freaking out, stressing out and literally panicking over the possibility that I might have cancer.
What made the situation worse was that my doctor was NOT telling me anything. She was not communicating with me at all. She just said “you need to get this done” and that was it. I had to find out on my own what exactly it is I am dealing with, and the heck of it is that it took me a long time to figure it out. I didn’t know what to even look for!
And that was pretty stressful, right there. Every day I woke up I wondered, Am I going to get sick today? I started asking that question an awful lot when I finally learned what it is that I have and that it CAN lead to cancer. But apparently not anytime soon since my doctor thinks it's okay to have this procedure next month instead of next week. But I still wondered and it was a scary thought to carry around.
Thankfully, I have some wonderfully supportive and amazing friends and family who have been there for me during this whole mess. They are awesome! Everyone has been sharing their experiences, offering advice, being a shoulder to lean on and just being there to talk to about all this. I am so grateful to them all.
But still, I’ve been upset I wasn’t getting answers. I got a second opinion, as many suggested, and was told the same thing. I have considered getting another doctor because this lack of communication is not altogether something I am okay with. But, finally, in the end, I decided to make ONE last attempt to try to get through to my doctor and make my concerns known. I told them straight out today that I am not going to just blindly go through something just because the doctor says I should. I said I would NOT talk to a nurse – I’ve already talked to THREE nurses and they were NO HELP – and I was frustrated because everybody was just brushing off my concerns. But finally, they said, okay, you can come in and have a sit-down with the doctor. And I made sure this appointment was scheduled before the procedure my doctor wants me to go through.
It’s not that I don’t trust my doctor, I just want to know what’s going on. I also want to know why she isn’t telling me what’s going on. And since I had complications after the last medical procedure, I needed to make this VERY CLEAR to her that I don’t think I am healing properly and I am concerned that I’ll drop dead, or something.
So I feel that I really need to do this. I am glad I will be able to do this, but it won’t happen until after New Year’s.
That’s okay. I’m fine with that. I am so done with all of this stress, this worry and confusion. I don’t want that anymore. It’s Christmas, for God’s sakes! A time to be happy and not so stressed out.
So since I won’t see the doc until AFTER Christmas, I have decided I’ll just put this situation away for a little while. No more stress, no more worry. I’m going to just enjoy Christmas and have fun baking with my children, opening presents with my children and ringing in the new year with my children. I will just push all that business away for a while and start focusing on Christmas again.
It only comes once a year, you know.
This thing I am going through, this medical situation, it won’t really have anything happen until after Christmas. So I think I’m going to just get on with my life and live like there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, and enjoy these wintry holidays.
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