Sunday, March 23, 2014

Sometimes, the heart really IS wrong

In the past, I have often said “my heart wasn’t in the right place” when referring to a chapter in my life. The time has come for me to confess a little more about that and make some changes. Because, you know, this sort of thing has been making me miserable for a long time, and I feel it is time to put a stop to all that.

What a lot of people don’t know is that the man I am married to right now has not always been my husband. There was a time when we were divorced. Before we got divorced, I fell in love with someone else. And as embarrassing as it is to admit, I fell in love with this guy only through knowing him via the Internet. I never knew him in real life. There was talk of that happening, but it never did.

My daughter’s father and I reconciled, but I was still feeling love for that other man. This is why I said “my heart was not in the right place.” I reconciled because I saw how much the divorce was hurting my child, and since we had NO support, no family to lean on and no one was really there for us save my friend Jimmy who was trying to offer advice in whatever way he could (shoutout to Jimmy! I love you, hermano!), I pretty much resigned myself to giving up on being with someone I loved and just “going back the way I came.”

Still, my heart would not comply. It loved that person even still. Even when there was no love returned in any shape or form.

So, yes, for a long time, I loved two men. I was married to one of those two men.

And now I realize that I can’t allow this to continue anymore. I realized this thanks to a comment a friend left on my Facebook page. My friend said, “Sometimes the heart is wrong.” Now we were talking about something completely different. When she said that, I was confused. How can the heart be wrong? I wondered. I always felt that we should trust our heart with what it wants, because it’s probably the One True Thing. So my friend’s comment left me reflecting over how the heart could possibly be wrong. And my friend did not realize she was actually saying something that resonated with me on a whole nother level about a whole nother topic: This secret part of my life that I don’t really talk about with anyone.

But I am putting it all out here on my blog. I am confessing to all this on my blog. I won’t keep this secret anymore. And I don’t lie on this blog, either, save for any April Fool’s Day post that may show up. That’s the one day that I post something in good fun just for the spirit of April Fool’s Day. But I do put EVERYTHING about my life onto this blog, because that’s the best way to talk about stuff that happens when it happens. There should be some background.

So what happened, exactly? I woke up. I have now understood what my friend meant when she said that sometimes the heart is wrong. Because now I see how that can be true.

And now I’m having a little sit-down with this here heart of mine and saying, you know what? Things need to change. We can’t allow this to continue anymore. After all these years, it is time to close the door on that part of my life for good. Just activate the kill switch and move forward.

I know I would only cause myself more pain if I allowed my heart to continue to have its way with that sort of thing. It’s time for all that to stop. It’s time to walk away.

Because there can only be one. The one who I am married to.

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