Today I took Jennifer along with me when I went to the grocery store. She wanted to use her allowance money to buy two dinosaur toys. She was a dollar short so I suggested that if she forfeit her allowance for tomorrow, then I would cover the extra. (I don't know if I'll stay true to that deal, though; she went above and beyond in helping me with the housework today. I was so proud of her for being so helpful. But I am trying to teach a lesson here, so maybe I'll keep the deal. But also take her out for ice cream tomorrow!)
Anyway, later in the day, I saw her playing with all of her dinosaur toys. She has five little dinosaurs and now the two big ones. I asked her if the big ones were the mommy and daddy dinosaurs and she said they were.
I asked her, "Is that why you wanted to buy those dinosaurs?"
She answered, "Yes, so that they can have parents now."
Ah, my daughter, the future adoption advocate.
This evening, I started getting dinner ready, unsure of if my husband was going to spend his "lunch break" having dinner with us. Still, I made enough chicken taco stuff for everybody. Unfortunately, he could not join us because he was so busy with his work.
When I informed Jennifer, she looked at Jesse then began to pretend crying like a baby and saying, "Dada. Dada."
I frowned at her, thinking she was trying to get him wanting his "Dada." And I said, "Jennifer, I don't think that's going to make him do anything."
Then she REALLY started to cry and say, "I want my dad!"
My heart just broke right then and there. At first I went back in time to when I was divorced and she would cry for him and say "I want my Daddy!" and he was not "there" there for her. And now she's crying for him again, when he COULD be here for her, but wasn't. By choice.
I calmed her down and explained to her that her dad had A LOT of work to do and could not have dinner with us. I was upset with hubby for not having dinner with his family and putting work first instead. I know I should be grateful he HAS work. That he has a job and everything. But he misses out on so much downtime stuff with Jennifer, like reading her a bedtime story.
I was also mentally kicking myself for opening my big fat mouth about it. I shouldn't have said anything.
Later, Jennifer brought the "daddy" dinosaur to me and said I could have it. I jokingly grinned and asked, "Are you trying to get your money back?"
She said no.
Then I said, "Are you giving that to me because that one's the daddy?"
She nodded. "I wish daddy would spend more time with me."
I told her to keep the dinosaur and don't worry about it. I comforted her and told her I would talk to her dad about this. (Just the other night, she was crying about how he hardly ever spends time with her. We were watching a show on TV and this father was fishing with his daughter. She started to really tear up over that. She is a Daddy's girl without the Daddy.)
I am trying to get my husband to actually spend that time with her. So far, I've managed to get him to take her to the park to fly her kite and I've also suggested he take her along when he goes on his outings. (He rarely does.) I will keep trying but I think I will also need to talk to him about this, too. It's been bothering his daughter for some time and he should be reminded that it's important he spend some quality time with her every once in a while.
Even though I enjoy watching reality shows like How Clean Is Your House? and Trading Spouses, I know that these reality shows are NOT reality. They are just shows for entertainment. ALL TV shows are meant for entertainment, and not to document actual reality. I am well aware that the people participating in these shows are coached by the producers to say things and act a certain way. (C'mon, people. Reality is not REALLY all that interesting enough for TV!) I still like to watch them, because, with shows like Nanny 911, there is still some takeaway value to be had. There is still some THING about these shows that make me think or get me motivated.
That said, I need to back up a little bit. Last night, while my hubby and I were chatting, he noted how I was not being very communicative and not responding to a text he sent and asked me what was wrong. If I was mad at him and if something was bothering me.
At first, I just shrugged it all off, like I normally do. I said I was just grouchy from the heat (which is true!!) and also busy with housework. But then, I just let it all out. I decided to just speak my mind and tell him what has been nagging at me lately: The fact that he spends all day watching TV or playing computer games while I'm doing the housework. How he promises to help out with the housework before he leaves for work or after he gets home, but he never does. How I felt unappreciated by him because he complains about the housework or how it was never "good enough." And how I felt like the MAID....and I didn't like that feeling.
I told him this is why I hardly do anything on the weekends when he's home all day. I pretty much relegate everything to HIM on weekends, but even then, he does nothing. No dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting. He will bathe the children and put them to bed (he doesn't get to do that M-F because he works at night), but not much else. Then on Monday, when it's my "shift" again, I have a whole crapload of mess to clean up from the weekend.
I also wanted to tell him that I don't even feel like his wife anymore, because of things going on between us, but decided to save THAT argument for another time.
He told me he refuses to do any work in this heat (yet I have to???) and that he is just tired.
Well, despite his excuses, I was glad to get that off my chest. I wanted to tell him that for some time but just never said anything. I AM sick and tired of being the maid in this family. And being taken for granted. That probably adds to my grouchiness these days.
Well, today, I was watching Wife Swap. Hubby decided he wanted to watch TV, too, then whined about why I was watching this show. I gave him "the look" and told him, "I want to watch this show." (I normally only get to watch ONE TV program a day!) Then he just sat there and watched it, too.
And something weird happened. On the show, one of the wives in the swap was named Dawn...and she is in the same boat I am in! (Or was, actually.) Doing all the housework while her husband didn't lift a finger. Granted, her husband worked a full-time job, but he could still at least clear the dinner table or do the dishes after dinner. The thing blocking him from helping?? The tired idea that the housework is "women's work." Even the wife was saying it's the woman's job to do the housework while the man works outside of the home.
My opinion? Bullcrap!
I am TIRED of these couples with these REALLY outdated ideas that a woman's place is in the home. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP and it's not the man doing this or the woman doing that. EVERYONE in the family should help out. EVERYONE participates. It's not "you do this and I do that." EVERYBODY DOES EVERYTHING! If somebody sees trash on the floor, pick it up! If there's a dirty cup on the counter, put it in the sink! Don't wait around for a "woman" to do it.
That's just....my opinion, anyway.
And I was sitting there, stewing over that. I was also stewing over how this poor woman had to work TWO full-time jobs (one as a mom and one as a medical transcriptionist) and STILL be expected to do all of the housework AND survive on 4 hours of sleep each night???
Um....no!
That picture was ALL wrong and I thought the wife was nuts to put ALL of that weight on herself. I think that sometimes, women are just too hard on themselves.
First of all, if she's a full-time mom, she should NOT be expected to also work a full-time job. That is just craziness. Even though she works from home, it's chaotic trying to balance the two. You're either a stay-at-home mom with traditional ideas or a work-at-home mom with MODERN ideas that include a bit of help and childcare! (Oh, but it's a double-edged sword. If you are JUST a stay-at-home mom who does not work at all and relies on the husband to support the family, then society decides to call that wife "lazy" and a "moocher." Gotta love all of those negative stereotypes traditionalists like to pile onto women.)
Anyway, while I was sitting on the couch, stewing over ALL of that, I noticed that huibby was not so disinterested in the show anymore. In fact, he seemed to be paying a bit of attention to how that life mirrored our life (though I do not work a full-time job). It was strange how Dawn said she felt like a maid...and how I said those same words just last night. And how she said she didn't feel appreciated as a wife. And how I said that I didn't feel appreciated, either. (I kinda left out that whole "wife" part.)
Needless to say, during the show, he got up to help me get lunch on the table. I was surprised by this sudden interest in helping me in the kitchen, but glad for it. I can only hope that show left a lasting impression on him. That he will SEE just where I'm coming from, and how I really feel about the way that things are.
And wouldn't you know it, today even my daughter decided to help out around the house, too. She ACTUALLY vacuumed! Hey, maybe these reality shows aren't all that bad after all.
When it comes to teaching a baby ASL (American Sign Language), I always think the better way to do it is to follow the advice, "Less is more." In other words, don't push up. Don't be on their case about learning the sign for something. Go easy with it.
That is the approach I took with Jennifer. And that probably explains why it took her a while to learn even basic signs (let alone come up with her own home signs, which she doesn't even use anymore now that her hands are more nimble). Her dad was not involved in trying to teach her any signs.
However, he has made it a point to be involved in teaching Jesse signs. We have been working with him in teaching him signs here and there, like "mother," "father," "all done" and "sleep." He pretty much picks up on the audible cues instead of the physical ones. If I sign "sleep," for example, he does not get that. But if I say "Baby want to go sleepy?" he will run for the bedroom. (Sometimes, I can't tell if he is tired enough for a nap or just to sleep, so if I say that and he runs to the bedroom, that's a big clue he's tired!)
Today, my husband was on a mission to teach Jesse how to sign "more." It was during lunchtime and he kept holding our son's sippy cup and signing "more?" to him. He kept doing this for some time and I started to wonder if he was overdoing it. If it was just taking too long and Jesse didn't understand him.
At first, he would not sign it if he knew he was being watched. But, eventually, he got around to signing it on his own. (Well, I'm not surprised; his father was holding his sippy cup hostage!) Then, when his dad was walking away with the empty sippy cup, he looked up at him and signed "more" to indicate he wanted more milk. I was so happy about that.
Later, at dinnertime, Jennifer decided to become The Pickiest Eater in the World and count off how she didn't like the cheese in her manicotti, she didn't like her breadsticks and she didn't like her spinach.
I said, "PLEASE try to eat your spinach. Don't you want to grow up to be big and strong like Popeye?"
She gave me a VERY serious look and said, "That cartoon is not real."
Oh, no! Now I can't use Popeye as an example of why you should eat your spinach anymore! I debated going on about how it was all symbolic, about how the immediate strength Popeye got from his spinach only represented how spinach will help you to "be strong" in some other way, but I knew all that would be lost on her.
Well, at least she ate her salad. She kept going on about how she LOVES salad. (Heh, that's my California girl!)
But Jesse had a problem with dinner, too. In fact, a BIG problem. He ended up throwing almost all of it on the floor. (He did eat some of the bread.) When he was finished, I looked down at the mess and sighed, "Oh, Son."
He innocently beamed at everybody and signed "more."
I laughed and said, "I think it's the wrong time to ask for more!"
And speaking of babies who sign, I found this really cute video. SOOOO CUTE!!!!
One thing I tend to do is get caught up with the writing. I have been working on my two current books a whole lot every day and it's put a strain on how much housework I have been able to get done. When I really get deep into a book, it's either the housework that suffers or me eating and sleeping that suffers. I know that this is only temporary, that everything will be back to normal once I get these books sent off to the publisher. But I get grouchy if my house is too messy.
And with a husband who does not do that much around the house, it can get messy pretty easily! (I am not kidding. He leaves trash and clothes lying around, he leaves his cups of tea out all night and doesn't do much else). So, I made a promise to myself that, today, I will NOT work on the books.
Instead, I will clean. And clean. And clean. (When I become a famous author, remind me to hire a maid!) I don't mind cleaning, really. I DO mind hubby complaining that I don't do a good enough job at it, though. And I had to put up with his complaint today on that very subject.
One thing can be said about me: I can write pretty damn good, but, apparently, I can't clean worth crap!
Still, I soldiered on. I did the dishes, the dusting, the vacuuming, laundry, cleaned off the countertops and stove, swept and mopped the floors, cleaned up the bedroom and all that other fun stuff. All I can do is the best I can do!
I worked up a good sweat and thought I could just rinse off later in the shower before going to bed. But that didn't happen.
We have been having problems with our water heater. For the second time, my landlord came over to fix it. During the time he spent working on it, there ended up being a water mess on the kitchen floor. Ding! Ding! Ding! There's one of those facts of life, folks! You mop the floor and, on the same day, IT GETS DIRTY AGAIN!
He cleaned up the mess, though, which I was grateful for.
After he was done, at around 9:35 p.m., he said it would be a few hours before we had hot water again. So I was not able to give the children their baths before bedtime. Oh, well. I suppose it won't kill them to miss ONE night of a bath. (Actually, Jennifer was happy about that. She would LOVE to never have to take a bath again!) I am STILL trying to accept this, though. I have this rule that the children MUST have a bath or shower every day. EVERY! DAY! Husband does not agree with this, of course. He says it's fine if they have a bath every other day. I dunno, maybe it's because I grew up seeing neglected children who were so dirty and smelly that makes me want to make sure my children are bathed every day. I have seen other children who are taken out and about with dirt on them, messy hair and not a lot of clothes on them. Yuck! You won't see that with MY kids!
Anyway, I am trying to deal with this. My children did not get their baths tonight. EEK! And I couldn't rinse off in the shower to get this yucky sweat off of me. *dies a little inside* I'm going to be sweaty lying down on my clean sheets! GAH!
Jennifer and I had activities planned today but we were not able to get to them. I was just busy getting the house back in order. Still, we spent time together and did silly stuff together when possible. Sometimes, I'll act silly just for her benefit, and it warmed my heart to see her laugh and smile the way she did.
Well, today, Jennifer wanted me to wake her up this morning when I got up. Every other day, I do aerobics in the morning before hitting the shower. (I am starting to think I shower a lot. LOL) But this morning, I did my morning prayer. Then I got my coffee and I thought, Okay, I'll drink the coffee then get Jen up to exercise with me. But I started reading emails. And reading. And reading. I lost track of time and, before I knew it, it was too late to exercise. (I have over 1700 emails, people!) Jennifer was NOT happy. But I assured her we would go for a walk later. That did not happen, though, because of my cleaning spree.
Well, now that I am caught up on the housework, I have to STAY caught up. Just do the things I have to do every day so that it won't take me all day to clean and I'll have more time to spend with the children and do things with them. (This is part of why I wish I had a maid. I want to spend as much time with my children as possible, if not have more time to write! When I was working cleaning houses, I always missed the time to spend with Jennifer. I had to keep telling her I couldn't play with her because I had to clean.)
I wonder about Jennifer exercising with me, though. It's not like I run 10 miles or do 100 push-ups. But I still wonder if this is something she would be able to do without trouble or complaint.
I try to learn at least ONE new thing every day. Part of the reason why I read like crazy!
So today I learned something very interesting indeed. George Washington's last name was not ORIGINALLY "Washington."
In fact, it was "De Wessington."
Later, it became "de Washington" then just "Washington."
This, according to a news article.
I feel so betrayed.
But! Speaking of last names....I do believe I may have a "hobby" of sorts.
I used to be into my family's genealogy. Then I lost interest. Not only that, I lost all....and I mean ALL information I had on the last name "Colclasure."
Then I did some checking around on the 'Net. Checked out a bunch of genealogy sites where the last name was being discussed.
And now I'm interested again. Because it seems like there is a very rich history associated with this last name. And....about 30 different spellings of it! I do know that when my ancestors came to the U.S., the "K" version of my last name was Americanized and the new name started with a "C." I have been trying to find out what the original version of the name was, but all I've come up with is "Kalkloeser."
As to origin, we don't really know. We definitely know it's European. Could be German, Irish, maybe French. I also have ancestors from England, Hungary and Israel.
What's interesting is that my married name is also tied to my maiden name. When I told my husband, he joked, "I hope we're not cousins." Oh, my God! I think I would die if that happened!! (But, it reminded me of how Fate works. Even when we don't want it to work that way!) Somehow or another, the two names used to be connected.
So I guess that, when I'm not busy writing, this is something for me to get back into. It'll take time before I get the straight facts on the "Colclasure" history, though.
Fortunately, I have an aunt who has been doing this genealogy stuff for years. And I can try to reconnect with her to see if I can learn any information. And one of my sisters has a bit of an interest in it, too. So at least I have somewhere to start.
They better not trust me with anymore paper records to hold onto, though.
Today while doing some grocery shopping, I headed over to Starbucks and got coffee. Today they gave away a FREE pastry to anyone who bought a coffee. I bought 2 coffees and got TWO free pastries. Yay! I chose the blueberry scone, which is my favie. I ordered a venti White Chocolate Mocha for myself. This is my chosen drink but sometimes, it tastes different when other people make it. One lady who works there knows how to make it just right. Still, I can't complain. IT'S COFFEE!!
Which is what I drank a lot of today. A LOT. Sure that meant running to the bathroom a lot, but, hey! At least I got my caffeine fix for the day! (Which, apparently, is not yet winding off. Hmm.)
Also today, I had some computer glitches. Been having some problems with MS Word but hubby fixed it today. Woo-woo! Now I can get back to work! I was practically tearing my hair out of my head because Word kept freezing up and I couldn't get ANYTHING done! Gah! I took this as a sign to get my short story written and finished up (which I have been working on since Saturday), but I still wanted to work on the books. Must! Stick! To! Schedule! Believe me, the only time I'll be able to take a break from these books is when they are DONE and SENT OFF. Then I will relax.
I just can't until then, y'know?
Must finish books! Must meet deadlines!
Today we were planning on having a talent show for a special activity. Jennifer wanted to sing but she had a thing about singing when I wouldn't be able to hear her sing. So I invited the neighbors over but they never showed up. She felt bad about that. I assured her we'll have another talent show next week and she can do something else. I suggested she do something else today but she was SO insistent about singing. She does like to sing.
And I bought goodies for nothing, too. So I guess both of us were disappointed.
Still, in the evening, she did sing her song to me. She sang a bedtime lullaby. It was SO SWEET! It was one she made up. This reminded me of how I made up a lullaby for her when she was a baby. I wrote mine down at the time, but she has not yet written this one down. I think I should tell her to write it down. If anything, it could be a keepsake for her brother, who she made the song up for. It's a really sweet lullaby.
Today when I did the housework, I went the extra mile and dusted areas of the house I usually don't dust. I was appalled at how much dust can collect EVERYWHERE in a house! That's craziness! I made a mental note to be sure to keep up with the dusting in those little areas just so dust does not collect. Too much dust in a house can cause serious respiratory problems. As it is, I have bronchitis, and I know that too much dust will only make it worse.
Anyway, another computer glitch we ran into was the speaker not working. This was my "duh moment" for the day. I was trying to play some tunes via YouTube the kids could enjoy listening to but Jen tells me that the speakers were not working after I already ran two videos. This, after she played her computer game for over an hour, with the speaker turned on! I thought it was working. So I got a tip on how to fix that and soon they were rocking to the Beach Boys and ZZ Top.
The problem with the speaker is that, by default, it's muted on my account. Gah! I did NOT know that. So now I know that, from now on, I have to turn "mute" off if Jen wants to use the speakers on my account.
And the other computer glitch I had was with Firefox, the browser I use. (I read on a friend's blog how Firefox had MUCH better security then IE, so that's why I started using Firefox.) Today I upgraded to the new version of Firefox and thought it was pretty cool. For one thing, no more going to "File" and WAITING for the drop-down menu to show to open a new tab. Now I just click on the "plus" sign and a new tab opens. Huzzah!
But this evening, something weird happened. When I tried to close a tab by clicking on the "x" thingy, a new blank tab opened! Huh?? I tried to close it and another one opened. Then that happened again!
My hubby and I were chatting at the time. He advised me to just close Firefox then try getting back on to see what happens. After I finish with this blog post, I will see what happens!
This week, we started a new "summer schedule" for Jennifer. Basically, it's a "back-up plan" to beat the summer vacation boredom that can likely ensue when there are not a whole lot of activities planned. And it's also my way to prevent Jennifer from spending her entire summer vacation lazing around the house doing nothing fun or educational and watching TV all the time. Things on the schedule include activities like playtime, cleaning up around the house, reading a book (or being read to), going for a walk, visiting the park, etc. It also includes a daily "special activity."
The special activity is assigned according to what day of the week it is. These are the special activities for the week:
Monday: Craft project Tuesday: Talent show Wednesday: Nature walk Thursday: Science project Friday: Write Something Day! Saturday: Go on an outing Sunday: Cooking day
I know you can't exactly "plan" fun, but Jen sometimes has a hard time figuring out what she wants to do. I have definitely had one or two occasions in which she'll get frustrated and say, "I'm bored!" So having the schedule is definitely a great way to beat the boredom. In fact, she keeps going on about how much she loves the schedule because it sort of helps give her a sense of direction on what to do with her day.While it has been great for her to have new and fun summer-y experiences, it hasn't been so great for me. A lot of these things include me participating with the kids, which eats into my time to do housework and the writing. I am still managing to squeeze those tasks in somewhere or another. Still, the laundry ended up piling up this week, the trash can was overflowing and the floor in the living room hasn't been vacuumed for 3 days! (I am hoping I will be able to vacuum later tonight.) I have managed to get some housework done, though; dishes, beds made, floors swept and mopped, toys picked up, etc.
All the same, we've been having a great time using the schedule. We are not on track with it yet, much to Jen's chagrin. But I told her it takes time to get used to any schedule. We also have to work activities around Jesse's naptimes.
This week we went on a nature walk and it was just awesome. We enjoyed looking at the many gardens, and especially liked seeing a pumpkin patch in somebody's front yard! Jen collected a lot of leaves, rocks, pinecones and sticks that she thought were all interesting.
When we walked to the park, a funny thing happened. There was this yellow squiggly-shaped pipe on the street next to a curb. But when I saw it, my first thought was that it was a snake! I jumped then grabbed Jen and pulled her away, freaking out and going, "Aah! Snake!" I swear, it looked so much like a snake. But Jennifer laughed and said, "That's not a snake!" I almost fainted when she bent over to pick it up. It was then I noticed it was a pipe! LOL How embarrassing. A guy passing by who saw the whole thing was laughing about it, too.At the park, I took pictures of the kids playing and also of Jen playing in the sprinklers. You can't have summer without playing in the sprinklers!
For her science project, the theme this week was space. I picked space to celebrate the launch of Endeavor which FINALLY happened on Wednesday (after so many delays) and also because it is almost the 40th anniversary of man landing on the moon. Yay!! I love things that have to do with outer space (part of why I love Star Trek and sci-fi so much) and my dream house even has an observatory in it. (I have actually drawn out what my dream house looks like!) So for a science project, Jennifer made a space shuttle and a rocket. Originally, she was just gonna make the shuttle, but decided to go ahead and make the rocket, too. I helped her make the shuttle and she made the rocket all by herself. Woot! They are not perfect, but, hey, she's 7. You can see them here. Afterwards, I found a site on the 'Net where she could learn about rockets. What they look like, how they're made and what everything in a rocket does. I was amazed she was able to read the word "Oxidizer." Woot, go Jen!
Today, Jen had to write something. Previously, I made a list of writing prompts so she could have an idea of what to write. You can view that list here. She's usually gung-ho with the writing stuff. It's like she is always writing something! (And crafting something or drawing something...) But, today, she had a serious case of writer's block. Oh, no! She didn't want to write ANYTHING on that list. As she kept refusing every idea, I started to wonder if she was struck with perfectionist syndrome (which is what I am known to fall prey to quite often; EVERYTHING I write just HAS to be perfect on the first go). But as I talked with her more about what to write and why she didn't want to write some things, I learned she was just shy. She said it was embarrassing to write about those things. I assured her she could trust me with whatever she wrote. I promised not to laugh or tell anybody about it or point out any mistakes. (Though I DID have to stop her in the act of plagiarism. Yikes! I am going to have to have a kid-friendly talk with her about plagiarism.) After the talk, she wrote about her favorite color. When I read it, I gave her high praises, a high five and mondo congrats for writing something awesome. She beat her writer's block! Yay!
Tomorrow, we're planning to go out to the park and fly a kite. That is, if we get some windy weather. If not, we'll go on some other outing. And on Sunday, we're baking brownies together. Yum. Should be fun!
LATER: You know what? I'm not going to get all worked up over not being able to stay on top of getting ALL of the housework done every day, or every week. I have realized that my kids are not going to stay young forever. Time flies by so fast and, before I know it, they'll be teenagers wanting to spend ALL of their time with their friends instead of with Mom or Dad. I am going to enjoy this summer fun with them. I'll get caught up on the housework eventually. That housework will always be here, but they sure won't. And I don't want Jennifer to go back to school saying, "My mom spent the summer cleaning the house while I did stuff by myself." At least we ALL get some of the housework done every day. And that should be enough, for now!
Today we went to see an eye specialist for a consultation for Jesse. He has had two eye doctors recommend he have corrective surgery on his eye. I have been very nervous about this and praying very hard that his left eye, which is a lazy eye, will get better. So far, we have tried using an eye patch to get his eye better but it hasn't gotten better. So I pretty much relied on prayer for his eye to get better. And feeding him lots of carrots! I've been praying like crazy for him, but to no avail.
The eye specialist definitely recommends that Jesse have the corrective surgery. I asked if there is any alternative and I had to think on this. I was asking the THIRD doctor who recommended surgery if there's an alternative! I think that, by now, if there WAS an alternative to surgery, they would have mentioned it. The paper they gave to me that had an FAQ about the surgery said they would recommend an alternative treatment if surgery could be avoided. We did try using the patch longer but it did not work.
Noticing my discomfort and answering my husband's questions about the procedure, the specialist assured us that she does 50 operations like this a year. She has never had a patient die or lose their sight or have any other problems because of the surgery and/or anesthesia.
Still, I am stressed out and disappointed. Jesse is only 20 months old. In fact, he is the same age I was when I was in the car accident and knocked into a coma. It's like...history repeating itself. (His birth date is on a 25th day, just like mine. And my birth month is "5" where his is "10." Yep, he's definitely a mama's boy. Woot!) This is hard for me to deal with because he's just a baby. I am trying to be strong, though, and hang in there. I still have my faith. Even though my prayers were not answered, I still have my faith. I know that things happen for a reason. There are only so many prayers that can be answered. And no matter how much we pray for something, it still will go the way it is meant to go. What must be will be. And apparently, Jesse MUST have this corrective surgery done. There is no way around it.
I have to think about how different it is from Jennifer, though. Jennifer also had a lazy eye at birth, and we also used the patch and, later, corrective lenses to help her. They DID help her. They did get her eye better. It's not 100% perfect, but her eye doctor said that her progress ever since is satisfactory. (Granted, she has a different eye doctor now, but I would think he would base his opinion on how her eyes are working at present and not compare this to how they worked before.)
It's just, it was something that could be fixed with Jennifer, but not so with Jesse.
And another thing: When I was filling out the paperwork for the specialist, they asked for the names of ALL doctors who have treated the patient and I had to marvel over the many names of doctors who have seen Jesse ever since he was born. Believe me, there were quite a few! One doctor seeing him for this, another doctor seeing him for that. It was not this way with Jennifer. Jennifer was VERY healthy and, despite a scare during my pregnancy with her, she has been without so many problems. The sickest she ever got was with a flu. She never had measles, an ear infection, croup, or anything.
And with Jesse...well, that's another story!
I look at this experience and I try to draw from it a better understanding of what may lie ahead. Things are so different with Jesse. What else lies down the road? And do I even want to know?
Nevertheless, I will keep praying for him. I will pray that the surgery will go well and that he will have a smooth recovery. I hate the thought of my little baby being poked with needles and having an invasive procedure being done on him. And I can't be with him when they do that!! But I will keep the faith and try to be strong. I guess I should pray for myself, too. To be strong.
One of my sisters has a child who had eye surgery. I am hoping I will be able to talk with her soon and see how it went for her and her child. What to expect and what it was like. Hopefully, she will have some advice or suggestions for me. And I think talking with her might ease some of the stress, too.
I won't be able to do too much writing work tomorrow since we're going out of town. So I decided to do today what I had set aside for Monday. I got some work done on the RGT book, put together articles to pitch for freelancing, and also worked on some trouble spots with another manuscript. I put pen to paper a lot today, making notes and writing out ideas.
But it was not just the writing that I was writing down things about. I have been upset about some things in my life for some time. Today I decided to just write them down. Instead of keeping them all in my head and stewing over them, I decided to write down every single thing troubling me and something I could do to resolve that problem.
I was not able to figure out a solution for all of the things I wrote down. There are two things on the list I could not come up with a solution for. Perhaps the solutions will come to me in time. For now, I can tackle the problems that I DO know how to fix and see where to go from there.
In the past, I've been advised not to write stuff down. I've kept journals, little notes and just ideas for things all put onto paper. I keep to-do lists and write little reminders on Post-It Notes. I've been told, "Don't write all that stuff down." Some people are just paranoid about my notes and journal entries falling into the wrong hands. (Though the neverending mystery of whatever happened to a journal I lost really nags at me.) But, really, writing things down and putting them all onto paper helps a lot.
First, when I write things down, it's easier for me to sort through them. Except for those TWO problems I could not find solutions for, I am able to think through things and figure stuff out better, become more self-aware, if I write them all down.
Second, when I write things down, like ideas, it's easier for me to expand on them, elaborate on them and add greater detail. It's like some kind of invisible tree on the paper and here's one branch with one idea, another branch built off of that idea, etc.
Third, writing about things helps me to get over them on an emotional level. I no longer bottle all that stuff up, because now it's on paper. It's out of my system. What's strange is that this works differently than talking things out. I don't know how, it just does.
Fourth, writing things on paper helps me to determine if it's something worth investing my concentration and time in. I ask myself, is this really something I can write about? Something worthy of actually being a topic? Ideas can be so fleeting and sometimes they are not what they seem. An idea that I thought could be a poem may be better suited as a scene in a story, etc.
And, finally, writing things out is just a great tool in helping me challenge myself to see things differently. Like the problems I wrote down on paper. One of them DID get me upset as I just sat there looking at it, because it's a personal problem (and one of the problems I couldn't resolve!), but I was able to look at most of the items on my list and be objective about them. Thinking about them got me emotional and confused. But writing it all out helped me to "see" them better so that I could work with them.
I know some people "aren't much of a write" and don't really work well with writing things out. But for some people, writing things down is a helpful form of therapy and a great organizational tool. And it's definitely helped me develop a "plan of action" to tackle certain problems I have been dealing with and try to make the solutions to those problems a reality.
The dental procedure went well. I opted for Novocaine and I didn't feel a thing. Actually, the only thing that hurt were the injections.
The painkillers make me dizzy so I try to avoid taking them if possible, The pain is not so bad, really. And the nurse said I can take 3 regular Tylenol, if needed. I might do that during the day and save the extra-strength stuff for the evening. I will be alone with the kids today. I think I can wing it.
Not liking the liquid diet, though. It just feels like I'm not getting sufficient nutrition. I'll probably throw in a multivitamin and my regular iron pill for good measure. At least it won't have to be for very long. Hopefully, I can switch to soft foods soon. Like mashed potatoes, scrambled eggs, oatmeal.
I am trying to get some writing work done but it's not easy. It's hard to concentrate. This, too, will pass, I know. But it's frustrating that I can't get on with it.
In any event, I'm glad the procedure went well and I am thankful to be rid of those bothersome teeth. I will have to get caps to replace that one bad tooth. I dunno, are you supposed to get caps after your wisdom teeth are pulled? I'll have to look into it. I'm looking forward to getting rid of the other wisdom teeth. Just get all that done and over with and I won't have to be nervous about my dental problems anymore. Yay for insurance!
LATER: I called the dentist's office about the dizziness. The headaches and dizziness were getting pretty bad and I was concerned. They thought maybe it's because of dehydration and they reminded me to drink lots of fluids. They also thought maybe I was not getting enough to eat and said to go ahead and eat soft foods, as long as it's on the right side. The Slim Fast meal shakes are yummy but I could NEVER live off of them alone. My brain just won't function right and I hate it when stuff slows me down, be it hunger, intoxication, sickness, etc. They also said to stop taking the painkillers and just use Tylenol or Ibuprofen for pain. I'm not really having much pain at the extraction site. Hardly any pain at all. Just the headaches and dizziness are the big problem.
I blogged about how I need to have some dental surgery done. Actually, I need to have 4 wisdom teeth pulled. Uh...they were never really pulled. So I had something going last year with a dentist and they said they'd refer me to this oral surgeon and that office would contact me by phone about setting up an appointment. I reminded them that I am deaf and can't accept phone calls and that I don't have a TTY, so I said that the best way to contact me was by email. They said they'd relay that information to them.
Time passed. Months, actually. I never heard from anybody about getting my wisdom teeth extracted. I called the dentist about it and they just said the office would contact me by e-mail, but they never did.
I pretty much gave up on it. I figured, screw it. They won't contact me or anything. Forget it!
Well, something happened this morning that was like a tap on the shoulder that this kinda thing CAN NOT be forgotten about.
My tooth cracked.
I was really surprised this happened. I mean, I was breakfasting with a bowl of Cheerios when the tooth cracked. It was not like I was tearing into a steak, or anything! I thought it was so bizarre.
I called the dentist about it. They said I could come in today and they would "temporize" the tooth. I asked them what "temporize" meant and the lady said that they would "make it less sharp." I was thinking, why the heck don't they just pull the thing out??? I mentioned that I would like to have the tooth itself extracted (no cracked teeth in my mouth, thank you very much!) and they said they don't do that kind of thing. After some kind of checking in her system and I guess typing on the keyboard, the lady I spoke to on the phone figured out the whole "referral back in October, 2008" thing and suddenly became rude. She acted like I was wasting her and the whole office's time with MY teeth problems if I wasn't going to follow through on THEIR referrals. I was ready to get all huffy about it, wanting to scream, "Lady, that works both ways!!" But I kept my cool and just took her rudeness.
I called the oral surgeon's office and we talked about the WHOLE situation. Fortunately, THIS particular receptionist was very polite and was actually surprised about the whole "oh, you're the one referred to us last year" situation. We talked about me coming in and she was concerned about getting an interpreter for me. She said she would contact me about the interpreter and I asked, would it be possible to contact me by e-mail? I was literally sitting there, hoping PLEASE say you can contact me by email! I was relieved when she said that was fine and I gave her my email addy. Later she did indeed contact me by email and gave me directions to the office. She also contacted me again to let me know that the interpreter situation was a go. Yay!
So I got the kids into the car and went to my appointment. Hubby went to work. Miraculously, I didn't get lost on the way there. What a shock! The appointment went well, and it was VERY bizarre being in the X-ray or digital machine thingy with that BIG swivel thing going around my head and taking pictures. Very weird indeed. I suddenly felt like I was in some kind of science fiction movie.
The dentist examined the images then inside of my mouth. Jennifer kept the baby company, playing with him in the chairs next to me. She was VERY GOOD watching over him while I was being examined. The dentist confirmed I had to have my wisdom teeth pulled, but there was also another tooth that needed to be pulled. This is the tooth that cracked. Apparently, it was an infected tooth and had to get out of there ASAP! (And all this time, I thought the pain in my gums was from my wisdom teeth. I wonder how long I've had that infected tooth.) So for now, he'll pull out one wisdom tooth and the other infected tooth as of tomorrow. I'm really nervous about the dental surgery but grateful they talked to me about EVERYTHING related to it: How to care for my teeth before, what to do before and after the surgery, what I could expect and what the process was like. I was very appreciative they took the time to spell it all out for me and made sure I understood everything. Yay! They rock!
They talked to me about what kind of anesthetic to use. Seeing my two children with me, the dentist strongly urged me to use a local anesthetic, because if they used an IV anesthetic, that would completely knock me out. I would be out of it for the rest of the day. I would be a little sick and sluggish, very woozy and unable to care for the children. I've had dental work done before and I've had the Novocaine injections before, which is what the local anesthetic would be. So I know it would not be 100% effective in blocking the pain. (And this is a wisdom tooth we are talking about here!) He did note that the extraction would be pretty painful and that IV anesthetic would be best, but with the children, I would not be able to watch over them or care for them afterward. I thought on this and I really was not sure on which one to use. So I asked them if I could decide tomorrow because I wanted to talk to my husband first. They said that is fine. I could choose which one to use at the time of the surgery.
The M.A. started to fill prescriptions for me, for painkillers to take following the surgery. I asked her what kind she was prescribing and she said, "Vicodin." I almost had a heart attack! GAH! I explained that I can't take Vicodin. It is WAY, WAY, WAAAAYYY too strong for me. Once, when I took it, I was literally on the floor and the room was spinning. I got so sick! Thanks to my friend Nancy, I asked if she could prescribe Tylenol 3 instead. She warned me the surgery was going to be very painful and that I'd be in a lot of pain for a couple of days. (Well, I already live with physical pain every day! And at least this kind of pain is not long-term.) I told her I understood that but I absolutely cannot and will not take Vicodin. It just makes me really sick. I honestly thought I was dying the last time I took it and experienced something like vertigo. I pleaded my case for something else, even Tylenol 3. She told she would discuss it with the doctor first. Thankfully, he agreed to it. (Yes, I know I'm setting myself up for heavy misery later, but I would never, ever, EVER touch Vicodin again. Not after what that stuff did to me last time. I wouldn't take it for all the tea in China!)
Once all that was taken care of, it was time for the fun part: Insurance paperwork. The receptionist went over the insurance coverage with me about what would be covered and what wouldn't. She told me we'd have to pay a deposit of $175 for tomorrow and she said that, after insurance, that's probably all we would owe. My interpreter, however, was a little more savvy with health plans and couldn't believe I hadn't hard of OHP. Um...no. I hadn't. She said that I qualify for this health plan and that if I had it now, it would be combined with my current insurance and I wouldn't have to pay a dime. (WOW!!) She urged me to look into signing up with OHP. I told her I would, but didn't have much faith in getting it. So many hearing people talk about ALL of these benefits available to the deaf and hard-of-hearing, but I'm not seeing any of it. When I was divorced, I was urged to sign up to receive SSI, but they would not give me SSI because I was under the age of 55! Tell me, where are all of these "benefits" for the deaf everybody else knows about???
Well, anyway, everything is all set. I told my husband about what's up and he is taking tomorrow off so that he can drive me to and from the appointment as well as help out with the children later in the day, since I'll probably be a little woozy. I was advised to have a liquid diet for a couple of days following the surgery. So I'm thinking, Slim Fast shakes, Instant Breakfast drinks and broth. In addition to lots of water. It'll be weird being on a liquid diet for two whole days but should be an interesting experience. One more experience I'll get to write about first-hand! Woot! I talked with my sister on the phone about it and she shared her experience with that. She also suggested I get those yogurt drinks, too.
I know I won't be able to get much work done on the books for a couple of days. Or do much else. But, like my sister said, once this is done and over with, I won't have to worry about it anymore. I'll be done with those dental problems and free of the pain associated with having the wisdom teeth needing to be pulled. Free at last! I'll be free at last!
Once I'm feeling better, I'll get back to doing all the usual stuff that I do. And then, maybe some other things, too.
Today is my nephew's birthday. So, allow me to take a moment to say, Happy Birthday, Timmy! Yea! We love you and miss you very much!
As my other nephew, his brother, said in a text to me, hard to believe Timmy is 15. Gosh, I still remember when he was a little kid. And coming at me with a steak knife on a night I was babysitting him and he got mad at me. (Oh, I can laugh about that now, but it freaked me out then!)
It's hard to believe that everybody is growing up so fast. It's been ages since I've seen so many people in my family. I feel bad on missing out on all the birthdays and everything. (One of my other nephews is getting married next month. I don't know yet if we'll be going to his wedding.) My nieces and nephews are all growing up, getting married, welcoming babies, etc., and I'm not there to see any of it. Sigh.
We used to be a REALLY close family. But, like one of my sisters keeps saying, it's like we're all spread out now. It used to be we were ALL in one state: California. Now we're in California, Oregon, and Illinois. (Pretty soon, we'll be adding Maine to that list!) I think that no matter where we all live, California will be "home." I have often thought of moving back to California (and I even TRIED to make that happen, after the divorce), but even if I don't ever return to the Golden State, I think it will always be "home" in some way or another. At least for me, anyway. I often like to say I left my heart in California. I will definitely always be a California girl at heart!
Oregon has been a big adjustment. As of May 11th of this year, we have been in Oregon for 4 years. (Or is it 5???) Eugene has been VERY good for the children. They receive satisfactory medical care and Jennifer is a student at a GREAT school with GREAT people. Eugene has been good for me in that I have been able to receive an ASL interpreter at my appointments when I never had that available in California. And...that's about it, really. I have been trying to make something of myself here in Eugene, or Oregon, but that has not happened yet. Or try to belong to something, anyway. I just don't feel like I belong. The church affiliation has not worked out well. Jen isn't fond of the church anymore and I've grown weary of attending without an interpreter to let me know what is being said. I haven't had any luck in getting a job here, I haven't been able to find a group to be a part of and I've tried to make friends to have some kind of social life with but that hasn't worked out, either.
Well, hopefully, I can become part of something in which I would feel like I "belong" here or in which I feel like I'm "needed" here. It's hard and, after 4 years, I still feel like a "stranger in a strange land." I left all those friends and connections and networks behind in California. Maybe I just need more time to build that up here in Oregon? Four more years!
But I think no matter where we all are, what state we all live in, the family connection is still there. Maybe not as strong as it used to be, but I think it still exists in some way and some form.
A funny thing happened not too long ago. I kept calling my daughter's coach "Kim." Now what's so funny about that, you might ask? Her name is not "Kim." It's actually another "K" name, but I'd rather not write it here since this is a public blog and she's kinda/sorta appeared in a T-ball pic or two on here.
Anyway! I thought it was very odd indeed that I kept calling her "Kim." It was completely by accident. And I kept trying to figure out, what's up with that??
But I kinda/sorta had a clue.
Before this started happening, I came across a book at the bookstore which I desperately wanted to buy: Animals and the Afterlife: True Stories of Our Best Friends' Journey Beyond Death by Kim Sheridan Ph.D. I have long been fascinated by animal ghosts and animals in the afterlife ever since my beloved dog Lukas, an Australian Shepherd, died and I started to hear (yes, HEAR!) a knocking at my door. Nobody was at the door, of course. Shortly afterward, I learned that there's a folktale about how our animal friends are known to come visit us in spirit, and make their presence known by knocking at your door. (One person who lost their dog often heard scratching at the back door and no one and nothing was there. The dog was buried in the back yard.) (Psst! You can read more stories like this in my Shadowlands article that's in the June issue!)
Sadly, I was not able to buy the book at the time I saw it, because I didn't have enough money. Then that whole business of accidentally calling my daughter's coach "Kim" happened. I started to think, is it because the author of that book is named Kim??
Well, I think maybe that's why, because after I bought the book (yay!), I stopped calling her "Kim." Yay! (I was starting to feel like I was my mother. She used to go through ALL seven names of us kids before she got to the right one, when she was talking to us. For the longest time, I could've sworn my name was Elizabeth-Jeanette-Troy-Melissa-Neal-Millie-Dawn. Just call me "Dawn" for short! LOL)
So I've been reading this book. It is VERY GOOD! My husband, being the eternal skeptic, would take one look at the stuff in here and declare all of it a lie. (I, personally, seriously DOUBT that, number one, the author would be so foolish as to ruin her good name/business by writing a book of lies and that, number two, all of the people who have given their real names in this book, along with their web site URLs, are telling tall tales.) I believe every word of it. And I am astounded by all of the stories in this book. Wow! It's definitely worth the price. Not only does it convince me that our animal friends do indeed exist on the Other Side (take THAT, you skeptics who say that animals have no souls!) but it is also a comfort to me. Even today, I still miss Lukas, as well as my other animal friends. (I have also had rats and cats as companions.) And sometimes I have dreamed of other pets who have moved on. So reading this book makes me feel comforted knowing that Lukas is still here, in some way, some form.
And I had to wonder, is THIS why I really needed to buy this book? Is this the reason why this book just HAD to be in my hands??
I kept pondering this. Why was it so important for me to read this book? What message was it supposed to give to me? Aside from the reassurance that animals DO exist on the Other Side, and that Lukas is still here.
I thought on this for many days, even as I kept reading the book.
Then I came across something in the book. A woman received a direct message from God. NOT that she saw God Himself. But the message was given to her from Him.
So I thought, maybe this is what I needed to see. This woman's message from the Lord.
But I will tell you, it is not the first time I have read about someone receiving a message from God. I myself had angels in my dreams telling me things, among them a message from God. And I have even heard God say things to me. (One of the things He commented on was His disapproval over greed being the driving force behind a writing career.) I look at these messages people have received, and I can recall reading Bible quotes that match them somehow or another.
Of course, I know we can't believe everything we read. We ALL could use a healthy dose of skepticism if we are going to expose ourselves to what people are saying/writing/publishing. But I do think that some of the things I have read about messages from God do make sense. I mean, especially since some Bible quotes back them up. And I don't see why people would say such lies, or something.
And I think, wow, this is really something important God wants us to know! So, to sum up, here are messages from God which I have come across both in my dreams and in my readings:
1. God does not hate.
2. God loves ALL women.
3. Love and take care of the Earth.
4. Love and take care of the animals.
5. Love one another.
I guess all of that can be identified with one common saying about God: God is love.
Even before summer vacation started, I had some ideas on how to keep Jennifer preoccupied and NOT parked in front of the TV all of the dang time. (Not if I can help it!) I figured we would do some cooking together, go for nature walks, go to the park, PlayLand, do crafts, read books and go on drives/trips.
I figured this would be enough for her with no school to attend and, now, no sport/games to be a part of. Now I am not so sure.
I'm beginning to think we need to throw something else in that's a little more physically active for her.
I got this clue today, when she had a major outburst.
What happened was, she came up to me while I was trying to read a friend's blog post. (I have so many blogs to get caught up on!) She wanted me to do something which I didn't want to do. Doing this particular thing involved using a sharp knife. After accidentally cutting my left finger REALLY bad years ago when I was slicing onions, I've been a little nervous using sharp knives. Sometimes, my left hand automatically goes to my back the MINUTE I see a sharp knife! Having the kind of hand that I do, it's never easy cutting things and I still get a shiver down my spine when asked to use a sharp knife to cut things. The cut on my finger didn't need stitches, thankfully, but I can still remember the blood squirting out and the AGONIZING pain.
What I told Jennifer was that there is another way to do the thing for her craft project that did not involve using a sharp knife and I'd be happy to make that happen for her. She'd just have to wait until we got to the store later in the day, as we planned to do, so that I can buy the thing she needed.
Right then and there, she threw a tantrum. She insisted that I use the sharp knife instead. I told her I didn't want to (didn't necessarily tell her I was not comfortable using the knife) and that the other thing for her project would be MUCH better to use.
She stomped away and went to her room, slamming the door behind her. (Believe me, I can feel that door slamming a mile away!) I got up from my chair and went to her room. I reminded her about the rule we have of not slamming doors. She got REALLY angry, glowered at me and started demanding that I at least TRY to do the thing she wanted her way. I kept telling her no.
Finally, I watched my little angel transform from darling to diva right before my eyes.
She threw her head back and screamed.
I stood there, in shock, watching her throw a fit, a REAL fit, over how I wasn't doing something she wanted me to do. "Why can't you try this!" she cried. "Why you can't you try things?"
"I DO try things, Jennifer, but there are some things that I just don't want to do! And you can't force people to do things they don't want to do. That's not right."
More screaming. More crying. More drama.
I decided she needed some space to cool off. "OK, if you want to throw a fit, you can stay in your room and throw a fit," I said, walking out of her bedroom and PRAYING my neighbors weren't thinking I was physically hurting my child since they might have heard her screaming. (They already let me know they've grown irritated with my dog barking!) I waited a little while, thinking that was enough to let her cool down a bit and get all of that angst out of her system. I was still so shocked at how she was acting! Never before has she thrown such a tantrum, one that even included screaming. Where did THIS come from?? Whatever happened to my sweet, kind, considerate, patient little baby girl?
Honestly, I thought I didn't have to deal with the "drama queen" episodes most girls have until she is a teenager. But I guess it can happen at any age.
Well, I went back into her room. She was lying on her bed, crying. She sat up, looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Go away."
"No. I'm not going to go away, Jennifer," I said. I would NEVER "go away" from my children even when they want me to. I think when they say "go away" to a parent, that's when they need that parent the most! "I want to talk with you," I added, hoping that my calm voice would help her to calm down.
She just sat there, crying. She went on about why I never try anything. I told her that I DO try things but I didn't want to try this. I didn't want to handle a sharp knife to make something on her craft project that she wanted to do. I know we could've used something besides a knife -- scissors, maybe -- but I was so certain the thing I was planning to buy for her was the best thing to use for this kind of thing.
We had a long talk. I told her she'd have to calm down and stop crying and being angry before I could help her finish her project. I left her alone again and, later, she came out of her room feeling better. I gave her a hug and she apologized for her outburst. I told her I don't understand why she acted the way she did and that that kind of behavior is not acceptable. She's going to have to work on curbing her anger. Though I know that's a BIG THING to ask of a 7-year-old. Boy, once she turns 13, there might be A LOT of that door-slamming!
Anyway, all was well and peaceful again. She was still punished, though. She lost her allowance for the week. She felt bad about that but understood why she was being punished. I did buy her the thing she needed for her craft project and, after I put it on there, she was happy with it.
And I guess she felt bad for that outburst because she started helping me with the housework. I appreciated her help and told her as much. Using up that pent-up energy she has will be a great way to get rid of stress and problems she's dealing with. But I still think something else will help her get more active and use up all that energy she has in a good way, so that it won't finally come pouring out of her in a bad way.
Writing by the name of Dawn Colclasure (my maiden name). Author of books for children as well as poetry books, writing books and books on the paranormal.
Former editor and publisher of Burning the Midnight Oil Book Zine. Former book reviewer for Night Owl Reviews.
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