Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Disappointed? OK, let's go there...

Ever since my dad died, I have been having these dreams. I either see my dad, my mom, or both of them. So far, the dreams have been nice. One of them was a little weird, but for the most part, they have been pleasant.

That is, until last night’s dream.

Last night I dreamed that I was sitting at a table with my parents. My dad happened to say that he, my mom, and even my grandmother (his mom) had all been so disappointed with me for dropping out of college.

After I woke up from that dream, I thought to myself, Well, there wasn’t anymore money to PAY for college! I had no choice!

At the time that that had happened, I was living in my own house, paying the mortgage and half utilities (since I shared the place) and covering the usual living costs like gas, insurance, food, etc. So, yeah, after paying for all that stuff, money for school was a little tight. It got to where I could no longer afford to go to school. So, that’s why I had dropped out. I am not proud of this, but you know, it’s not like I can go back in time and change anything. I DID try going back to school later but stopped because of the same result. (I was denied all forms of financial aid, by the way.)

I have always hoped to go back to school. But there’s NEVER been any money for it. Especially after I had kids. I would LIKE to go back to school, but right now, it is just too much of a financial hardship.

All that stuff was in my head today as I thought about that dream. But then the more I thought about it, the angrier I started to feel. Why in the hell did I even HAVE that dream? I KNOW I’m not doing anything with my life right now – just floating through it because I don’t know WHAT to do ever since I walked away from being a writer – but is that dream supposed to be any help to me at all? I have already contacted schools about enrolling and they all said “we’ll get back to you” but they never did. Story of my freaking life!

But then the anger started building up over the whole “we are so disappointed in you” card my parents played in that stupid dream.

So they were disappointed in me for dropping out of college? Wow. You know what? I have a whole book full of things I am disappointed with THEM about.

Like the fact that my dad ALWAYS let his temper get the better of him and he hit his kids. Or threw things around the house when he got mad.

Or the fact that my parents took the mortgage money that I gave to them each month for a house that was in our names and instead of paying the mortgage, they gambled that money away at the casinos. Then, when the house went into lien, they wanted ME to file for bankruptcy. Thereby ruining my credit even more. (That case was dismissed but it was ALWAYS on my record.)

Or the fact that they wanted to use MY name on their utility bill accounts and when they went bust on those accounts, I had to take the fall.

Or the fact that they knew that their precious son, the youngest one, was molesting me but did NOTHING about it. Oh, and my dad even accused ME of bringing him on to cause him to do it. Nice!

And while we’re talking about the Golden Boy: I’m disappointed in my parents for allowing him to get away with so much crap that he pulled with his siblings and other people. He was NEVER at fault. And it was totally fine he could mooch off my parents for years while doing drugs.

I’m disappointed in my dad for giving up on me after my novel was a bust. I was new to the book world. I had no idea signing with a co-op publisher was a bad thing. Of course the book was doomed to fail. It was so nice of my dad to call me after ALL of that blew over and to tell me, “You messed up.” He pretty much stopped supporting my writing after that. Not that there's anything to support since I never really succeeded with the writing anyway.

I am disappointed with my dad for failing to give me his new address after he moved in Illinois. How nice it was to get back the Christmas card I sent to him, which had pictures of his grandchildren in it. Oh, and while we’re on that topic: I’m disappointed they never tried to reach out and connect with the kids. My mom’s mental state was deteriorating before she died, so I get it that she forgot about my son and could not communicate with the kids. But my dad never even TRIED. In fact, I am grateful to my husband’s father for at least stepping up and trying to be a grandfather to the kids in his own way.

But probably the biggest disappointment I have is that my parents lied to me about the accident my mom and I were in. They told me some story about it but then refused to let me see any newspaper clippings about it. I found out that the story was told wrong after communicating with one of my cousins back east. This cousin knew the story better.

I’m not surprised I was lied to about it. People who KNOW my family knew we were all liars and cheaters and outlaws. It’s not anything new! But I was hurt that I was not told the truth. And for all those years, I told EVERYBODY that same incorrect story. I felt pretty rotten after that.

So, as you can see, I have my OWN disappointments I can file against my parents. Wouldn’t do any good now, since they’re both dead. But I fail to see what good bringing up past disappointments would be. You want disappointments? Oh, have I got them! I’ve got LOTS of them! And not JUST about my parents. I have disappointments about my life. About myself. So, yeah, I know ALL ABOUT disappointments. You know, my parents are not the only ones who have let me down. Other people have let me down. I have even let myself down.

There’s pretty much not much more worse it can get from here. But of course I could be wrong. It’s been a crappy year. I don’t think it's going to be getting much better. But, yeah, I know about disappointments. I know ALL about them. I have to carry all of them around and live with them every day. Sure I can try to fix things, make things right, and turn a disappointment into something I can forget about, but I just don't see it happening.


Joleene Naylor said...

Sending you hugs as you work through all that crap - you re such a strong lady, don't be disappointed in yourself because even if you haven't accomplished what you set yourself to do, you're still alive, which means there is still time to do it someday, but most of all you should be proud of yourself for surviving everything you have been through and coming out still strong and still swinging. That in itself is one hell of a HUGE accomplishment - one you should celebrate.

[As a side note I don't think school is always the be all end all of accomplishments. There are careers you need it in - doctors, for example lol! - but in most cases it turns into a money draining waste. Ask my mom about college for a paralegal (she had to go an extra year and a half to get all the math credits she needed) and my brother's degree (he majored in forensics) that after thousands of dollars can get him a job on the police force, which he didn't need a degree for anyway.]

Dawn Wilson said...

Thanks so much, Jo. :) I really appreciate your comment and all the things you have said here. It really helps a lot.

I was not sure about writing this blog post. I don't make it a point to dwell on past stuff. My past is not my present. Yeah, this is my past. Pretty much. But I'm not constantly dwelling on it, ya know? I DO try to figure out what I do need to find closure on and how I can fix things I was not able to fix before. Like the financial stuff. I have been trying to improve my credit and pay off my debts. But it's a long, slow process. And I learned that it is better for me to pay for things myself instead of relying on another person to pay it -- though my husband DOES have my trust in that regard. I trust him to pay our bills and rent, ya know? A lot of that stuff that I went through taught me some really important life lessons. Mostly, things I should NOT do and how to look out for myself. I can't go back and change any of that stuff in my past. I can either learn from the past, fix something I failed at the first time, or walk away from it and forget it. The only reason why I actually went through with this blog post is because I didn't want to keep all that stuff bottled up. That's not healthy. I know I could write about it in my journal but I haven't done any journaling for a while. I know I survived a lot. Some of my siblings survived a lot, too.

I don't think I can really "walk away" from being a writer. I still write sometimes. I'm just no longer pursuing it professionally and no longer giving so much of myself and my time to it.

As to the degree, the only reason I'm thinking about it now is because of my new goal to teach. You DO need a college degree for that. I know I may not have any luck landing a teaching job even after getting a degree but I gotta try. I want to try...

I'm sorry your mom and your brother had that trouble. Man, that really sucks. :( I hope they did get something beneficial out of their college experiences. And I do hope their degrees WILL come to good use at some point. At least they went through with it and they did earn their degree. :)

Well, if it's meant to happen, it'll happen. My kids have to come first, especially on a financial level. I am happy to be just a "wife and mother" until I can get that teaching thing going. It'll happen in its own time and I'm not going to stress out over being able to afford it right now.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. You rock! Hugs back!

Millie said...

Wow I never saw this entry till now! Well I hope you're feeling better since this entry. I mean, everyone has disappointments and life is definitely not meant to be easy. Life is full of lessons. I'm sure you're proud that you have learned how to say "No" to people and not let people take advantage of you anymore. Carrying around regrets and disappointments only hurts ourselves. I hope you have found ways to let go and just live. I used to want to be a famous musician, I felt like life was meaningless unless I "made something of myself". I realized that we are all just souls trying to survive in the bodies we were given. Life goes on with and without people. I had to let go of ego and decide to just live life. Life is an adventure on it's own. Once you let go of the pressure of having to "be someone" you find that you can be humble just enjoying waking up everyday and seeing the people you love. Life is precious. And when we get to our last days of our lives we won't be thinking about if we became famous, we won't be thinking about how much money we made, we won't be thinking about how many likes we got on our Facebook posts. No. We will be thinking about the loved ones who surround us and those who have touched our souls in a beautiful way. We will be thinking about the sweet moments we shared on our favorite Christmas day. The feeling of the ocean touching our feet. Learn to treasure the beauty of life and learn from the hard lessons. Become humble, because we all struggle in this world. Yes, some "worse" than others. People do things because that's how they felt at the moment, and it's up to us how we choose to perceive it, and react to it. It might have hurt us and not made sense to us, but it might have made perfect sense to them. We cannot hold it against them, they have their own story and struggle as well. And if it was a bad choice on their part, it is their lesson to learn, even if it hurt others around them. But we all have our own journeys.

Dawn Wilson said...

Thank you for the very profound and thought-provoking comment. I have to agree with you there. This entry was made a long time ago. I am no longer feeling all that stuff anymore. I have let it all go. It's pointless to carry around disappointments. At the time, though, I just felt like I had to SAY something because it's always the same thing with people: They get all mad at me for some mistake or something I did wrong or some flaw, when THEY are not exactly perfect themselves. I know Mom and Dad were disappointed in me, but I had disappointments with them too. But they've been gone for some time and I really don't care about that stuff anymore. It's all over and done with. Their life came to an end and everything else ended with it. Yeah, my life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to in some respects, but that's okay! I am totally fine with that! You know? I tried to make some things happen or for things to go a certain way but that wasn't in the cards I guess. But I DID try! I am happy with what I WAS able to accomplish. I must say that: I Am Happy! I feel I must keep saying that because I have gotten flack from more successful writers in the writing community for "giving up" or "not trying hard enough" to become famous or earn a lot of money for my work. Or, there's the people who thought I went back to Jason because I was weak or not strong enough to live on my own (even though we were starving!). But those opinions and beliefs were not true at all. But they want to believe what they want to believe. I have gotten to a point where I just don't care about other peoples' opinions about me or my life anymore. Pretty much why I don't talk to them anymore! They can shove their opinions, false beliefs and insecurities up their ass.