There is something I am known to say from time to time: “Every time I try and freaking DO something!!”
This is usually after I DO try to do something but it just DOESN’T happen. It doesn’t pan out the way I had hoped. They way I had wanted it to. And there’s not a damn thing I can do to fix it, either, because it remains permanently screwed up.
I know, they happen to everybody. And it’s really frustrating when it happens to me, too, ya know? Sometimes even painful.
And the keyword here is “painful.” Because, once again, I tried to do something for someone and that Did Not Happen and he ended up getting hurt. I was hurt, too, but this particular person is my baby and his hurt is my hurt, too.
This particular person is my son.
This year, Jesse would have been able to enjoy his first Harvest Celebration at school. This is when parents are invited to have a Thanksgiving-style lunch with their child and play with them in the playground during recess. I went to all of Jennifer’s Harvest Celebrations when she attended that school, save one, because I was sick one year. But I went, and I wanted to be there for Jesse’s first one, too. He didn’t get to participate in the Harvest Celebration last year because he was going to kindergarten part-time, so they didn’t have it for his class.
But they had it this year. And, oh, I wanted to be there. I really did.
But I wasn’t able to be there to enjoy it with him. And now I feel pretty rotten about it.
What happened was, they gave a time on the “Harvest Celebration” paper when it was supposed to be held. I marked that time down on the calendar. When I dropped Jesse off at school this morning, I reminded him that I would see him at that time. He told me they don’t have lunch at that time, but at a later time. I thanked him for that info and he was off to school. I drove away excited about our “lunch date” later, thinking of how much fun we’ll have at the playground during recess.
Still, I wanted to double-check on that time. I just wanted to be sure it really was going to be at the time that Jesse said.
I tried to call the school this morning to find out, but the computer I use is REALLY messed up and having a lot of problems, so I was not able to use Internet relay. (This is why I have to back off on doing some Internet things on the computer, because it is just in really, really bad shape.) So I emailed one of the secretaries at the school, praying she would get my message. (I really don’t prefer to communicate with the schools through email so much anymore because sometimes I never get a reply and I don’t know if they ever got my message. Sometimes, they don’t.) This was an hour and 20ish minutes before the time on the paper that the Celebration was supposed to be at. Thankfully, I DID get a reply and was told it was actually at a later time. I thanked the secretary for that info then went off to do other things.
I didn’t get back to my phone until about 45 minutes before the time I was told the Harvest Celebration would be at. Only to find a message from the OTHER secretary, about 10 minutes after the original time, that it had already started, and if I jumped into my car to go there now, I could still join Jesse.
But by then, of course, it was too late. I was SO upset. What bothered me most was the disappointment that Jesse must’ve felt over me not showing up. God, he must’ve felt so left out! Seeing the other kids with their parents there, and him without his mom or dad there.
I just really, really felt so upset over it. I wanted to rush to the school, grab Jesse into a big hug and tell him how sorry I was that I missed it and that I’d make it up to him.
I know I can’t have a second chance on this. He won’t be able to look back and remember how his mom was there with him for his first Harvest Celebration at his school. The whole thing just sucks. It really sucks. And I feel bad about it, too.
So, Jesse, I am really sorry I wasn’t there for you for your first Harvest Celebration at your school. I’m sorry you didn’t have your mom or dad with you for that special event. I really wanted to be there with you. I didn’t want you to feel left out. You mean so much to me and I love you so much and I wouldn’t have tried to miss it on purpose. I didn't want to hurt you or upset you. I know it would’ve made you happy if I had been there. And if you’re happy, then I’m happy, too.
Sometimes, life just doesn’t work out the way we want it to. It’s a fact we all have to live with.
I wasn’t there for you this time, but I promise I will be there next time. The worst storm in the whole world won’t keep me from showing up to be there with you. Next time, I’ll get the EXACT time of when it’s supposed to be and the EXACT location of where I can find you. I will be there. Just look for me.