From giving up to trusting again

Last night, I had this whole “defeatist mood” come over me. But before we get to last night, I need to back up just a bit. For some time, I have been trying to make a couple of things happen. With one thing, it’s slow going, but I know if I keep at it, I will eventually get to where I can do this thing that I want to do (which is to run in – and complete – a race by myself, without help, because the last time I ran in a race, my coach had to help me finish it!). With the other thing, though, I have faced some hurdles. Hurdles like, fear. Uncertainty. Insufficient funding. That sort of thing. But I really wanted to make this other thing happen (the publishing company), so I didn’t give up on it.

And last night, you know, I just had it. I’ve been trying so hard and for too long to make it happen and it just very likely will not happen. And even as I decided well, you know, I’ll try another tactic, I sort of felt pretty defeated and just didn’t want to keep trying anymore.

And I was thinking about this a lot last night. I started thinking about all of the other times I’ve tried to make a dream come true – like with landing a GOOD agent with one of my novels and getting the book placed with a major publisher (I have had 2 bad agents so far and I really don’t think I have the energy anymore to try a third time) or how I want to have something of mine published in one of the glossies (I came VERY close with that one!) – and of how that never happened. And at this point, I just don’t care anymore. I am at the point where I am willing to give up on those dreams.

Just as I have given up on other dreams…..

Then I thought about an article I sold some months ago, about how you should never give up on your dreams. And how I’ve been able to make a few of my dreams come true.

Yes, I have made some of my dreams come true. I do want to try to accomplish my goals. I’m not the kind of person who’s just going to float aimlessly through life, doing nothing. I want to DO stuff! So, yeah, accomplishing my goals has been important to me for some time. And I’ve spent many years trying accomplish some of them.

But as I got lost in thought last night, I was thinking about the ones I have not yet accomplished. And I was asking myself, am I really willing to try again? For all of them?

Not really. And I just thought, 'Screw it! And screw them, too!'

I just decided it was time to walk away from those dreams. Just abandon them, give up on them, and focus on other things.

And that’s the kind of attitude I had on Twitter last night! In one of those “ellipses-ending tweets that are actually a looooong statement” that I have often used.

Then I logged off and sat down to enjoy a novel I have been reading all week. I’d made my decision about things and thought that was the end of it.

But maybe that wasn’t the end of it. Because this morning, as I was logged in at Facebook, I saw this quote a friend shared that said, “Let go and trust the universe.” I shared it on my page but amended it to read, “Trust GOD.” (Because I trust in God, not “the universe.” Some people think “the universe” is God, but not me!) And that quote just really stuck with me. What good timing for me to see it! It got me thinking that maybe I DON’T need to abandon those dreams I’ve struggled to make come true. Maybe I just need to let them go and give them to God. Let God handle them. So I prayed this morning, “Okay, God, I’m going to give these impossible dreams to you. If they are meant to happen, they will happen. And if not, then not. And I’m totally okay with that. I accept that.”

I just let them go. Just threw them up to God to see if He decides whether or not a dream is meant to come true.

And I know they say that the Lord helps those who help themselves, but, dammit! I’ve been TRYING to make these things happen myself! I have tried for soooo long and I am at the point where I just don’t want to try anymore. I just don't have the energy anymore. Let God decide if they should be a reality or not. I’m giving Him the steering wheel!

Meanwhile, though, I’m going to work on those other goals. That race! Yes, that is still on my to-do list for the year. I know, it’s almost winter, and that’s terrible weather to run in. But I definitely want to keep at this one. This is the year I will do that! And maybe some other things, too. We shall see. At least I’ll give them as much time and energy as I can to make them a reality. And if I get to the point where I just can’t keep trying anymore? I’ll let go and trust in God.