Friday, June 20, 2014

The story (on the Internet) so far

For some time now, I have used Google Alerts, and while it hasn’t been perfect (I catch things Google Alerts has not), for the most part, it has worked out okay. For this reason, I keep using it. Well, yesterday I got an alert for something related to a screen name I use on deviantart, as well as Absolute Write. I checked out what it was this morning and, sure enough, it was about something related to me. It was a poem I’d written in the fall of 2006, at a time in my life when I was divorced. (We have since reconciled.)

I read the poem and while it was emotional and pretty much captured what I was trying to express, I couldn’t help but feel angry when reading it all over again. If I had been reading that poem on a piece of paper, I would’ve torn it up into millions of little pieces. I don’t like to think about that part of my life. I don’t like to even REMEMBER that part of my life. That part of my life was HORRIBLE. That divorce was the biggest ever mistake that I have made in my life – and I say that even though my father refuses to speak to me because of yet another mistake I have made. But this one, THIS one, was a mistake, because it caused so much heartache and pain for my little girl. As it was, she can’t even remember this part of our lives. She has mentally blocked it all out. I hate myself for doing what I did and only because I broke my little girl’s heart. Anyone who is not a parent could not possibly understand the terrible guilt and trauma I felt over seeing her be as hurt as she was over the divorce. I thought that we would have a better, happier life. I was in love with someone else -–who ended up NEVER entering our lives. And that is part of the reason why I am so angry at myself for all that mess. I was stupid and naïve.

But I know I cannot keep beating myself up over it. All that is in the past. We are a family again and we are all happy to be with each other. And I thank my lucky stars that it brought my son, Jesse, into our lives. We have moved beyond all of that.

Still, I know there will be the occasional reminders of that part of my past. I know these poems I posted on dA are one of those reminders. Yes, I could take them all down. I could remove all of the blog posts and all the pictures, etc., that could remind me of that part of my past. But I don’t do that. I don’t delete or erase things that I have posted on the Internet. Those are ALL parts of my past and the person that I was at that time. They are a reflection of who I used to be, but not who I am now. I have definitely moved on past all that and don’t spend any time reflecting on things I wrote or posted about which are related to those things in my past. I just keep moving forward. Those things will stay there, because they ARE my past and they ARE who I used to be, but they do not reflect who I am now. Everything that I share and post about now reflects who I am now.

If anything, I can use all those reminders of past pains and past mistakes as a chance to remember all that I have learned from them. I can look back and think about what I learned, what I have been through and all the things I have had to deal with in this life, without allowing it to ruin my whole day.  It’s like mental reminders. Sometimes there will be good things to remember from my past and sometimes there will be bad things to remember from my past. I must treat the bad things the same way I treat actual bad memories: Think about what I learned because of those experiences and then push all the rest of it away. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t get emotional about it. Just remember the lesson, push it all away, then keep going. And don’t look back.

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