Muted

For two days now, I have had laryngitis. I am starting to feel really frustrated over not being able to talk. I've now realized just how much I LIKE to talk! LOL Or should I say...like being able to talk. It's kind of eerie, knowing that I can't. That my voice is just "gone." But I know it'll come back, eventually.

Still, the frustrations over not being able to talk are mounting.

Not being able to talk means not being able to say sweet things to the baby.

Not being able to talk means not being able to read to Jennifer (something which she has gotten upset about, too).

Not being able to talk means not being able to sing.

Not being able to talk means not calling Jennifer to dinner or telling her it's time for her bath.

And not being able to talk means I don't get to say a little something extra I say after I pray at night. The ONLY thing that I say before ending my prayer.

All of that really bothers me but, on the other hand, it's given me the chance to experience firsthand what it's like not being able to talk. I remember that scene in the movie THE OTHERS, where the mother is demanding the mute girl to answer her question, and the poor girl is grunting and struggling to speak. I finally understand how hard it must've been for that girl to speak when she couldn't. I have done that same grunting in trying to talk but, darn it, no luck. It just makes my throat hurt even more.

Also, I once chatted with a deaf man who told me he couldn't talk. He was born deaf and he was never taught how to talk. I asked him if he has ever TRIED to talk, or learned how to talk, and he said, "It's too hard." I tried to understand how it could be "too hard" to talk. I mean, talking is a natural thing for humans! But having a condition which prevents my voice from working has made me realize that, for some people, it really CAN be "too hard" to talk.

One other thing I have noticed is how much I rely on voice to express my emotions. Like anger (swearing and yelling), love (saying "I love you"), caring (talking in a soft voice to my children), faith (singing a church song). I have seen ways in which I can express these things nonverbally. Like, with getting angry, I stomp my foot. With caring, I caress my child's arm or give an extra strong hug. With love, I sign "I love you" or kiss a cheek. It's interesting to see how I can express myself NONVERBALLY, ways I don't really normally express myself. I have always used my voice to express myself with. Now I can't.

And, finally, there is something else which my inability to talk makes me think about: How there are so many deaf people who don't talk. I'm not repeating what I said above, about the deaf man saying it's "too hard" to learn how to talk. Just the fact that there are many deaf individuals who don't. They just don't speak. I've pondered using sign in place of whispering (which is what I am forced to do, and even then it's really low. Jennifer can barely hear me so I often end up whispering into her ear). I don't sign a whole lot as it is, but we DO sign. Just not as often. But it does give me an idea of how that is like, too. Being a nonverbal signer.

Of course, I am not going to get dramatic about this and have the mindset of being a mute. BUUUUT....I would not be able to write a mute character realistically enough if I did not take notice of what being unable to talk is really like. I will take note of these things, of what it IS like to not be able to talk, and hopefully I can use it for future reference, if I need to.

And meanwhile, hope that I get my darn voice back SOON!

At least I don't need to be able to talk to do Internet stuff.