Bummed

I have been REALLY bummed today. I've been doing so much praying, meditating and Bible-reading to try to feel better. But it just hasn't worked.

I had a long talk with hubby the other day. As usual, he complained that I don't do a good enough job of cleaning the house. He's been complaining about that FOR YEARS!!! YEARS! By now he should REALIZE that I do the best I can when I clean. But apparently, it's not good enough. I get SOOO proud of the work I do. The floors are all vacuumed, swept and mopped, everything's dusted, washed, scrubbed, cleaned, put away, organized, etc., etc. And sometimes my back will hurt or my foot will hurt because I work so hard to clean the whole house. But it's all for NOTHING. And we have a new baby; how in the world can he expect me to do any better than before??

But, anyway. It's because of that I barely did any cleaning at all today. I mean, why bother? He doesn't freaking care or appreciate it.

But I HAVE taken care of the children, of course. I ALWAYS take good care of them, even if I'm so down in the dumps....

I'm also upset about something. It's that time of the year, you know? I miss my family a whole lot. I wish I could see them. Especially Mom, with her cancer back like that. God.....

Another thing comes up this time of year. Missing my cousin Mark. I still get upset about his death, you know? It was SO UNFAIR! I wrote this....poem in his memory. On the anniversary of his death. But I still think about him. I mean, I was going to SEE him again!!! He was just not even a day away from seeing me. After so long. It just really hurts. I know that....he's not really gone. I know he's still with us. But I think about my aunt and uncle, who couldn't have imagined their Christmas without him. I think about how his life was just cut short like that. He was ONLY 29 YEARS OLD!! I think about his daughter, who won't be seeing him anymore. I think about his sister Dawn and how she grieved.... It's all just painful thoughts.

And, you know, last night, I was lying on my bed with Jesse, just lying next to him and talking to him. Before he fell asleep. And I was thinking of reading to him. I thought 'what book should I read?' and I thought THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Even though it was....Christmas day. LOL Then I remembered the last time we had enjoyed that book. When we were still living in the desert. Liz and Carolyn had spent the night with us. The girls were lying on the floor, we camped out on the carpet, and I read that book. I smiled at that memory, but then I stopped smiling when I remembered something else: That was the night that Mark died....

If I had known...if I had known he was going to be in that car accident, I would've done SOMETHING! I would've gone out to Vicki's house and just STOPPED him from leavig! I would've....suggested he stay the night at her house!! Dammit, why couldn't I have known? Why....

Well, to say the least, I've had the holiday blues REALLY BAD. Even with Christmas come and gone, I'm still depressed. I guess EVERY bad little thing is just pulling me down even further.

I am grateful, though. For my children. I love them SOOO MUCH!! Especially little Jesse. He's smiling now and it's just so precious to see him smile.

Hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon. I called one of my sisters yesterday and we talked for a bit. That helped. And I keep in touch with them through MySpace, too. It will have to be enough for now.

That, and my faith. God is not just my Lord and Saviour. He is also my Friend. And I think if there's anyone's shoulders I need to lean on or cry on right now, it's His.