Monday, April 06, 2015

The Easter blog post that wasn't

Yesterday, my blog post was a little bit different than the norm, only in that it was not written in one sitting! Because of yesterday being Easter, I didn’t have a lot of time to sit at the computer. So I wrote that blog post in 3 intervals.

Then, after I was done writing it, I posted it then shared it on Facebook.

But right after I logged in at Facebook, I saw some distressing news: My dad had passed away. He had died on Easter evening.

At first, I didn’t believe it. I thought the person who posted about it was not acting on very accurate information. So after I shared my blog link, I started texting my sisters AND asking questions on Facebook.

Eventually, I was shocked and saddened to learn that it was indeed true. My dad died yesterday. He was 67.

I was so upset over this news. I posted about it on Facebook but I was still literally trying to process this. My dad was dead? Really dead? How? Why?

Later on last night, I found out the how and why. My sadness soon turned to anger towards someone who SHOULD have taken better care of my dad but of course decided to be neglectful.

So, yeah. I was sad last night. Shocked and angry.

Today I was still all those things. I kept seeing it in my head: DAD IS DEAD. I kept trying to grasp this as a very real thing even though the shock kept telling me that it wasn’t true. It couldn’t possibly be true.

But we knew this was going to happen. We knew it was coming. But nothing prepared us for it. Nothing prepared me for it. Even though I knew it was going to happen, there was still this sense of shock and disbelief when it did. I am also stunned that now BOTH of my parents are gone. Both my mother and my father are dead.

I spent most of today talking with my sisters about funeral arrangements. We are still working on that. Well, they are. They’ve got more going on with that than I do. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it out in time for his funeral. But I’m going to try.

I also spent some time going through my photos to look at pictures of my dad. I will share them soon. Along with a tribute.

The thing that saddens me the most is that I never tried to make things right with my dad before his death. The last time I saw him was in 2011. I had not talked to him for years.

I was mad at him. I held stuff against him. Stupid past stuff.

And I realize now all of that was trivial. He was my father. You only get one father. I still loved my dad no matter what. He wasn't that person anymore, he was sorry for the past, and I should've seen that but I didn't. I longed to reconnect with him and have some kind of relationship with him again. But we never did. And that can’t happen now.

But I will honor my dad. Because I still loved him. He was my dad. Through good times and bad times, he was my father. And he will be missed.

Rest in peace, Dad. You no longer have to fight those demons anymore. You no longer have to be in pain. Now you can finally be at peace.


Millie said...

Try not to have that regret. Just try an remember Dad for the good memories and let things be how they are. Just know that he is still listening, you can still say whatever you need to say. He will hear you. :)

Dawn Colclasure said...

Yeah, I know. I actually told him "I'm sorry" the other night. I know that the dead know EVERYTHING after they have crossed over so Dad probably by now understands why things went the way they did. I was really hurt when he pushed me away after Mom died and it just got to where I decided to close the door. I didn't want to acknowledge he existed anymore. I did still love him, though. I mean, he was our father! You can't just wipe clean 40 years of a parent's existence. I have realized that regret doesn't do anybody any good. Nor does holding on to grudges. His life came to an end now. Everything is all between him and God now. So I am wiping the slate clean and won't carry around any grudges or regrets. We may not have had Father Of The Year for our dad but we still did have some good times with him and that's all I want to remember from now on. I am letting everything else go. It's called "forgiveness."