Pretending that I knew that would happen all along

This is me, trying to do something with my life. Trying to make it better. To make things happen. To challenge myself in a way that is harder than before just to have that accomplishment under my belt.

This is me, living life this way.

But sometimes, things just don’t happen the way I hope that they will.

I try.

I wait.

I work.

I live.

I SURVIVE.

But it’s like no matter what I do, and no matter what I try, the end result is the same: Disappointment. I don’t accomplish that goal. What I THOUGHT would happen … just didn’t happen. Here I was, under the impression that it would, but it’s like….. NAH.

And it’s really disappointing. Really painful. Really frustrating.

They tell people, “Never give up!”

Yeah. Nice thought. Whatever.

But even as I change my mind about things, and even as I change course, it does not mean I am "giving up." It only means that I am tired of all the frustrations, the gimmicks, the letdowns and disappointments and I just want to make a change. Hopefully, for the better. A girl can dream and all that.

So when I try and do something with my life, try to BE something, and things don’t go the way I had hoped, all I can do ….. all that I MUST do …. is have my little cry, pick myself up again, and just try something else. Or do something else. One or the other.

Life is full of disappointments. People are full of disappointments. I just have to get to a point where I just give it all the finger and walk away. I already have, for some people and some things.

Yes, I’ll be going on a different path. Yes, I’ll keep doing only the things I feel passionate about and WANT to do, instead of the things I think I SHOULD do, but at least I will keep going on with my life, only giving myself, my time and my energy to the people and the passions that I WANT to give them to. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing my own thing. Nobody else cares about any of it, but I care, and that's enough. 

As to the world? I will just give that sigh of disappointment and mutter with a wave of my hand, “Carry on.”