Friday, May 14, 2010

Jennifer's day

I sort of dreaded today getting here. The reason why? Jennifer had a talent show at her school today. And I didn't want to go.

Don't get me wrong; I am all for supporting my daughter's talents. I'm ready to cheer her on no matter what she pursues in life. I'll always be her biggest fan, her coach, her cheerleading team and her comfort group. I just didn't want to go to the talent show this one time. And it wasn't because of her. It was because of me.

Lately, I've started to think maybe there's a reason why I don't have a REAL friend here in Eugene. Maybe it's because...people just don't like me. It doesn't help that two different women have stared at me in horror. You would think that, as adults, they were mature enough to look past the burn scars on my face and try to see the real me. But....I guess not. It also doesn't help that a certain mom has decided she no longer wants to talk to me and her daughter cannot play with Jennifer anymore.

Of course I'm crushed I am rejected by everyone. It makes me sad. And angry. The anger only built up, adding to other reasons for anger that I carry. And it made me into a very bitter, angry and negative person. I just gave up trying to win somebody's friendship.

And today, I was hit with another blow by someone. I will blog about that later.

Anyway...that is why I didn't want to go to the talent show. I try to stay hidden if I can. Hidden away with these burn scars, since I am so rejected here and looked upon with horror. (Yeah, you can start up the violins now. LOL)

But...this was not about me. I tried to keep telling myself that. THIS WAS NOT ABOUT ME. This was Jennifer's moment. If it was a book signing, I would go. Though I would resent going, because I'd rather hide away my burned face. But, still! I was being selfish. I knew this. I was giving a petty reason to avoid something that would bring my daughter happiness.

Of course, she understood why I didn't want to go. I told her, "I don't want people to see me." And she kept insisting I am "beautiful" and that she's happy to be seen with me. (That is my baby girl. Her love is so unconditional. She would walk on hot coals for me!!) But, she understood. You know? Even when I apologized for being so selfish for not taking her to the talent show, she said, "What talent show?"

So she rode her bike. She played with her friends. We played a game of checkers while splitting a glass of root beer. She played basketball with kids at the park. She had fun. I even gave her and her friends ice cream sandwiches. (One of her friends is insanely polite. I respect him being such a gentleman but I have to chuckle about it.)

Then....I came to my senses. I FINALLY convinced myself...I can't do this to Jennifer. She has rehearsed for this. She was supposed to sing! She had to be on that stage and sing! So what if people stared?? So what if my clothes were frumpy and I wore no make-up and just looked God-awful? This was Jennifer's moment! JENNIFER WOULD SING!!

So I got the kids dressed up, especially Jennifer, and we went to the talent show. We were late, but she still sang. And I went there smiling, unafraid of looks or any other forms of negativity from people. My baby was going to be on stage singing and I was going to cheer her on! That's what I did. And I realized that as I smiled, laughed, clapped and cheered, people smiled, too. People around us were happy, just as I was happy. It was such an amazing thing to see. I may as well have had no burn scars at all. Everybody smiled just as I smiled. It was so wonderful to feel so accepted.

We left the talent show laughing and cheering about how much fun we had. I treated the kids to Happy Meals at McDonald's for dinner and the three of us watched a movie on the couch afterwards.

It was a great day for Jennifer. And, you know what? It was a great day for me, too.

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