Something very interesting happened today. I ended up getting two answers to two things I've been thinking about! Very cool!
The first thing I was thinking about was a little talk I had with hubby yesterday. I'd related to him that I'm unhappy about a few things and he wanted to know what those few things were. One of the things that's been bothering me is how I'm not as successful with freelance writing as I would like to be. I wish I could break into those glossies, but after over a decade of working as a writer, it just hasn't happened. And I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever happen at all. (I've gotten a few rejections from the glossies, as well as zero responses from others.) And I'm tired of working for peanuts, which is what I label what I'm paid for one particular writing gig I have. It's just unfair. I put so much into it and get so little in return.
That got hubby started on how he, too, was frustrated with my ongoing attempts to get...SOMEWHERE with the freelance writing, and not making as much progress (read: money) at all. One of the things he said was, "I don't know why you write."
I'll admit, I started getting a little defensive at that point. I wanted to stress to him I was talking bout my failures as a freelance writer, not as a writer. With the books, I have no complaint. The books are where my heart is with the writing. And I do THAT because I want to.
Later, I was stewing over that little comment of his. I was angrily stomping around the house, wanting to scream, "What do you want me to do all day? Watch TV??" But, I kept my anger under control. He's not a writer, I told myself. He doesn't get it what it means to be a writer. He doesn't understand that drive to write, that NEED to write, the neverending impulse to create something with words.
Honestly, I tried to evaluate what I would be like if I was not a writer. If I didn't write the words and ideas which burned in my soul. But I really could not picture my life without any writing. I write because...it's what I want to do. And maybe I was beginning to lose sight of that. I don't know, maybe I was losing sight of WHY I write: I'm a dreamer who dreams. I'm a storyteller. An entertainer. A creator of worlds, weaver of words. It's just who I am.
But I still wondered...could I ever give up writing? Would I ever give up that part of me and be the wife that hubby wants instead? The kind of wife with no hobbies, interests or dreams?
It was pretty hard to fathom.
At one point in my day, as I was cleaning the living room, I came across something on the floor. A tiny black thing. I knelt down to turn it over and it had the word "dream" on it. It was a magnet from the poetry magnet set I have in my closet.
Yes. In my CLOSET! I have those magnets in a box in my closet! Save a few, that I have on one of Jen's pictures. But how in the world did THAT end up there?? Jen hadn't gotten into that box and neither had the baby. And I didn't have it on any of my pictures, even in that room.
So, outside of the VERY slim possibility that one of the kids dropped it, I took this as a sign. It was a message to me. A message to always dream. Dare to dream! Never stop dreaming!
I smiled, comforted by this message. It was like receiving permission to continue with my writing. To dream up new stories and write about them. I won't let what others say stop me, or even my inability to be a "famous" writer or the kind of writer who earns a $1,000 check for an article stop me from dreaming my dreams. I have and always will be a dreamer. And I will continue to dream, with words.
Now....as to the second sign I received today. This one is not so glamorous. But still interesting.
I recently bought Jesse a Star Trek onesie as a Christmas gift. At first, I thought I'd buy 2, because I couldn't decide on the color: Red for Engineering (Mr. Scott) or Blue for Science (Mr. Spock). I eventually decided to buy him the Engineering onesie. It just seemed to fit him best. Later, though, I thought, should I have bought an extra? In case one is ruined? After all, a baby that makes messes will be wearing it! And it is a one-of-a-kind onesie.
So I decided, yes! I'll get him another one! Just in case.
But which color? The gold one, for Command? Or blue? Or another red? Hm, decisions, decisions.
I got my answer, though, when I gave up thinking about this and instead focused my attention on the baby. I smiled at him and signed, "I love you."
Believe it or not, he signed back the Vulcan sign! I kid you not! I had to look good and hard at that little hand making that sign, because I couldn't believe my eyes!! WOW!
He has tried to imitate the "I love you" sign for some time. He hasn't been very successful, though he has gotten close. I think it's so neat he made the Vulcan sign, but also that it's a sign for something else. A sign to definitely get him the blue Star Trek onesie.
I laughed as I nodded back at him and said, "Live long and prosper."